2nd Chances

**Warning** this is a long post mainly about breastfeeding.

OK you have been warned...

I have thought a lot about my experience with having Max. Reflecting on the aftermath of my long induced labor, lack of sleep, problems with breastfeeding, and ultimately my high anxiety and postpartum depression that made it extremely difficult at the beginning of his little life. When he was about 3 months my depression was treated, he was sleeping a little better, and I was no longer experiencing overwhelming anxiety that I started to think about what I would do differently if I was blessed with another child.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ashleigh I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding again. Much to Chris's dismay.

Now you have to understand that with Max he was very challenging to breastfeed. I was given flat nipples that make it impossible for a newborn to latch on to, and Max did not have much patience with me to wait for my letdown. So if I was miraculously able to get him to latch he would immediately pull off and scream at my breast for not giving him what he wanted fast enough. Then he would frantically try to latch again, usually improperly, doing much damage to my already hypersensitive a sore nipples. It was a NIGHTMARE. But I had wanted to breastfeed him so bad and felt like if I was determined enough we would be successful.

So I researched whatever information about breastfeeding I could to try to remedy our issues. I felt overwhelmed all of the time. So overwhelmed that I felt even reaching out to a le leche lactation person would be too much for me. I cried about breastfeeding every time I fed Max...at least 10 times a day. Chris hates when I cry. It was so hard for him to see me going through this. He did his best to comfort me, but he couldn't make it right. He hated that. So I understand why he NEVER wanted me to do it again.

I quit and restarted multiple times. Pumping milk and feeding it to him, then quitting, then starting to pump again because I was engorged. I remember I told Chris that when Max was 7 weeks that I was completely done, but I still pumped 2-3 times a day in secret until he was 9 weeks. I had a hard time letting it go. But I hated it at the same time.

So with Ashleigh I knew I wanted to do things differently. From the Hospital stay to breastfeeding. I went in with the attitude that Hey... I formula fed my first so if breastfeeding sucks as bad as it did the first time than she will be formula fed too. I just went at it with a more relaxed approach. I was going to try, but it would be OK if I wasn't successful. So this is what I did differently that I think helped my experience be more positive. Some was in my control...some wasn't.

Labor -  With Max I went in a 9:00 pm and labored all night including 4 hours of intense back labor with no progression and I was begging for my epidural which I had to wait an additional 45 minutes because of shift change.Then I pushed for 2 hours before ultimately getting an episiotomy and tearing really bad. With Ashleigh my labor was induced as well but I was dilated to 2cm (+) so I didn't have to go in the night before to be induced. Obviously not in my control (Thank you body!) This enabled me to get a full (well somewhat full) nights sleep before laboring all day. My labor was pretty smooth. I was doing Ok and got my epidural when I was dilated to about 6cm. Then 3 hours later I pushed her out in 2.5 pushes with less tearing.

A lot of that was out of my control, just luck of the draw when it comes to labor... but I want to give a background as to why I think I was more successful with breastfeeding. It started with the differences in my labors.

Nipple Shield - I had to use it with both children. But with Max I had never even used one nor was I explained how to properly use one. So it was always very awkward when I would use it with Max until I finally googled it and learned how to properly use one. So I knew and felt more comfortable when I had to use it with Ashleigh.

Hospital Stay- I had a really hard time being separated from Max. Plus I didn't trust the staff to bring him to me when he needed to breastfeed. So he stayed in my room the whole time pretty much. So I got no sleep in the hospital. With Ashleigh, I took an ambien the night I had her and slept a solid 6 hours while the nursery gave him a bottle. I needed that 6 hours. The next night they brought her to me to nurse her and then took her back to the nursery. I felt so much more rested.

Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) - I used this with both children as well. It helps them latch on to the nipple shield and stay latched while you wait for your milk to come in. It is a little tube that you put formula in and you fill the nipple shield so the baby will latch on. With Max... super awkward since I never done it before. With Ashleigh... still awkward, but less since I had experience with it. This gives your baby a reward (milk) for latching on and keeps them sucking to stimulate your milk to come.

Waiting for my "milk to come in" - I waited almost 5 days with Max. My milk came in at 3 days with Ashleigh. I personally believe that this is the reason a lot of mom's quit breastfeeding right away. You feed your newborn, they either get really mad at your breast or suck for what seems like an eternity with no gulps they fall asleep and then 1 hour later they want to feed again. You feel like your baby wants something and your body is not providing it for them. It is very frustrating. So 3 days is hard. 5 days was agonizing.

"The first 1-2 months is hard" - I found this statement to be very true. I knew my nipples would be sore. I had no IDEA that they would have weeping blisters on them. This was a result of Max's poor latch. If you're getting sores USING a nipple shield you don't have a good latch. With Ashleigh I had learned what nipple cream I liked, how to properly use a shield (OK it's not THAT hard, but there are some ways to use it better), and to know that the pain gets better.

 Also, newborns want to nurse FOREVER. At least mine do. I remember that Max would eat for nearly an hour and than want to eat 1 hour 15 minutes later. Round the clock. I was so exhausted. Ashleigh also wanted to nurse for about 50 minutes sometimes but she would go 2 hours in between. And it is like this... for a month. I had told myself that I would give it 6 weeks and then decide what I wanted to do. I remember at about 4 weeks feeling very frustrated that she ate for so long and how long I could really do this. Then suddenly it started to get easier. She was getting bigger and either her or my breast changed but she was eating for 30 minutes a feed at 5 weeks, 20 minutes at 6 weeks and is down to 10-15 minutes now at 8 weeks. So it does get easier.

Personality - Max had not patience with my breasts. Ashleigh did. She would stay latched long enough for her to get milk. Every baby is different. I have a philosophy that unless you have fed my baby with my breasts you can't judge what I do.

Ultimately what it comes down to is my postpartum depression was a HUGE factor in why I quit with Max and I honestly do think it was for the best. I learned so much from my experience with him that I was able to use to be successful with Ashleigh. I am happy things are going better with Ashleigh and want to continue it as long as it is working.

Time is FLYING!

I can't believe Ashleigh is 7 weeks! Time is flying even if I haven't got much sleep. Well I am getting sleep... it's just interrupted.

Things are going well. The adjustment to two kids has been challenging at times, but I am grateful that Ashleigh is a good baby and Max has taken to his sister so well. He does get jealous at times when I am trying to take pictures of her, but other than that he is totally fine with her being here in our lives.

 

The biggest challenge is that Max's sleep schedule has been altered so much I think I may have ruined his sleep for life. It all started with the crawling out of the crib. Then we changed his crib to a toddler bed. Then he would fall out of that. THEN WE MOVED (which changed his bedtime routine). Then he discovered he could get out of bed and wonder the brand new house. Then he started crawling in bed with us...and as a 9 month pregnant lady I allowed it. Then we got him a twin size matress and placed it on the ground. Then his baby sister was born. Then we had to start locking him in his room since he was wondering the house and can reach all sorts of dangerous things. Then he did ok for a few weeks. Then he started waking up again. It started at 6:00 am. Then 5:00. Then 4:30. Then as early as 2:30. Not fun when I am already getting up 2-3 times a night to feed Ashleigh. Then the TIME CHANGED. And it continues. So there is little sleep going on over here. I guess it's just a sacrifice of being a mom. Hopefully I'll get some sleep soon.

 

Anyway.... PICTURES!!

 

Here are a few of my favorites from the past 7 weeks:

 

Siblings

 

Halloween 2012

 

Halloween was good. First time in our new neighborhood. We got a lot more trick or treaters than at the condo! Max didn't trick or treat very long. He had already had a lot of treats from our own bowl. It was also impossible to take pictures of him. These are the best ones after about 30 minutes of effort. Oh well. He's still a cute little bugger. He really enjoyed answering the door for the trick or treaters more.

 

Can't believe how fast time is flying.

Ashleigh

My baby girl is here!

 

Ashleigh Paige Cannon arrived at 4:22 pm on Friday September 21st weighing 8 lbs and 21.5 inches long. She is fantastic!

 

After being bumped from Wednesday, my doctor was nice enough to induce me on Friday which is not normal for him or the hospital (probably because the hospital would like to close on the weekends like everyone else, but can't so they restrict weekend stays whenever possible... believe me... I work in a hospital... I know)

 

I arrived at 8:15 am and they broke my water shortly after. Then started my pitocin and antibiotics. I spent most of the morning talking to Chris and feeling my contractions getting stronger and listening to her heart beat.

 

As my contractions started to get real uncomfortable they checked me and I was at 5cm. I was still doing OK, but I was worried since I waited to get my epidural with Max and by the time the Anesthesiologist came in I was in severe pain and crying. I knew I was getting one so I had them come.

Then I was comfortable even though I could tell each and every contraction, it wasn't painful. My cousin Katie and my mom came for a visit so we were talking for a little bit and all of the sudden we lost the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. I tried moving my monitor around to find it and it wouldn't pick up. A nurse came in to check my monitor as I was getting very nervous. She moved it way down at the bottom of my belly where it picked up again (whew) and then she checked me and was like... let's have a baby!

 

We had to wait for my doctor to come. Luckily with the epidural I didn't have the overwhelming desire to push, but I could tell I wanted to push. The nurse even said lets have you push just slightly and see.. and when I did she said,"Stop, stop, stop!" He arrived and the nurse just told him to put on all his gear because this baby was coming.

 

And she did

 

in 2 and a half pushes.

 

After the epidural (thank YOU!)

Just after she was born

holding my baby girl

getting checked out

Daddy with his girl

Skin to skin

Max giving his sister a kiss

tiny toes

 

Ashleigh has red hair with some blonde. She has blue eyes and a little dimple on her left cheek. She looks a lot like Max did when he was a newborn. She has my ears. She is such a good baby. hardly ever cries, nurses well, sleeps, is pretty easy going. She is our angel baby. We love her so much!!

 

 

One of the best parts about being pregnant...

 

Being pregnant can be a challenge. Not that I am not grateful for this blessing every single day, but it has been challenging for me. I know women who absolutely LOVE being pregnant. I have a hard time with it. I love having kid(s), but I have a lot of the discomforts that come along with pregnancy. I did have nausea/vomiting and not appetite the 1st trimester, not as severe as with Max, but it was there. Then I had insufferable headaches the 2nd trimester, and my back and hips have been constantly hurting this third trimester.

 

However, I LOVE FEELING THE BABY MOVE! So fascinating that there is life in there and the kicks and pinches remind you of that. It truly is an amazing experience.

So in honor of the last night (hopefully) that I will be pregnant, here is a video of my baby moving!

 

Maybe Baby?

The last few months have been some of the most stressful and some of the most exciting for Chris and I. We found a house, waited for it to close, waited two more weeks for it to be finished, and then moved. All in the third trimester of this pregnancy. Not recommended. But we are so happy to be settled or mostly settled by the time the baby arrives. We love having a house and I am surprised how much little things make a difference. Like my garbage cans being right outside the kitchen in the garage instead of down three flights of stairs and across the parking lot. I also love that I don't have to climb stairs for groceries and I can successfully transfer Max to his bed from the car if he falls asleep in the car around nap time. Never was I able to do that before!

About two weeks ago I was good with maybe waiting until 40 weeks to see if she would come on her own. But the last couple weeks have been rough between my back/hip pain, Max not sleeping since we moved, and the constant energy drain I feel. I KNOW I will be even more sleep deprived when she comes, but she's coming and at this point I am looking forward to meeting her. I am also looking forward to in a few weeks when getting up and down off the floor is not so difficult. I never knew how much I got on the floor with Max until I was very pregnant.

I was supposed to be induced yesterday. My baby has been measuring big and my belly is anywhere from 3 to 4 weeks ahead. At my 39 week appointment my belly was measuring 42 weeks. And by the significant amount of new stretch marks I am getting I know she is stretching my belly even more than Max did.

However, lots of babies decided to come yesterday and so I was taken off the list. I thought at this point in time I would no longer be pregnant and have my daughter in my arms. To say I wasn't disappointed would be a lie. Maybe even a little heartbroken. But I know she is still coming. And my doctor was gracious enough to induce me tomorrow even though he doesn't normally do inductions on Friday's.

So I'm Anxiously waiting for tomorrow and meeting my little girl! Hope I don't get bumped again!!

Moving, Pregnancy, and Back Pain

You may or may have not noticed that I've been somewhat absent from my blog. I think it's a combination of a lot of things that has caused it.

I am so excited that we are closing on our house in 1 week and can move in. But at the same time I am completely overwhelmed. We are renting our condo through a property management company. And while we are super relieved that they are taking care of finding/screening/contracts with the potential renter which helps with the stress, we still have to take care of little things like dealing with the utility companies setting up landlord agreements and keeping my house clean all the time for the several different showings that I hope produce fruit (i.e. a renter) soon.

Moving. We have to pack up everything and move it. While I'm 31 weeks pregnant. I KNOW this is not the greatest time to be moving. But what do you do? I think Chris is overwhelmed by it too since he know I will not be capable of much.

I'm in my last trimester. While I feel this pregnancy was much easier in the beginning I almost feel it is getting harder in the end. My back KILLS almost all the time. I have a little relief in the morning, but by the end of the day I want to curl up in a ball and cry most of the time. I did not have this kind of pain when pregnant with Max. But I also wasn't haulin' a 35 lb toddler most of the time. I have resulted to making Max walk a lot, but I still have to lift him into his car seat, the tub, his crib. I make him crawl into his high chair which he is willing to do because he loves to eat. I am trying to take care of my back, but it is hard to lift with your legs when you also feel like your pelvis may come apart as well. It hurts too. And working full time on my feet for 12 hours probably doesn't help either.

Ugh. I don't mean to complain, but back pain is what woke me up today at 4:27. I am never gonna get the much needed sleep in prep for the sleepless marathon that is having a newborn at this rate. I've tried Tylenol, warm baths, heat packs, back rubs, resting at night. Cute Chris was getting all sorts of things for me last night so I could just lie in bed. He even rubbed my back for me. So grateful for him. I am willing to take any suggestions for relief if you have them.

Anyway, dealing with everything has been a bit overwhelming which is why I have been absent, but I hope to get some pictures up of the brand new house when we finally settle in!

Belly Pictures!

Just wanted to have a record of the different belly pics between my pregnancy with Max and this pregnancy. So here they are in all their glory!

16 weeks with baby girl Cannon

18 weeks with Max/17 weeks with baby girl

20 Weeks

24 Weeks

26 Weeks

In other news... Chris and I have found a house and we are currently awaiting closing!! It's in West Jordan and is everything we could want in a home. We are very thankful that Ivory Homes has a 3 year lease program that enables us to rent the condo out for three years and then hopefully we can sell it and not lose any money! We feel so very blessed.

It's A ...

GIRL!!

We are so excited to find out that Max is going to have a little sister! Chris and I couldn't be more happy. She looks healthy too.

Pregnancy Progression

So we have had a rather interesting week with a bout of a GI bug that ransacked my whole family, but I may have to delve into that later. It has been weird to compare my two different pregnancies.

With Max, I had so much morning sickness (week 7-24) that was barely relieved by Zofran, acne/breakouts (I was a teenager again), terrible gas (early on), constipation, sickly looking (pale, always asked if I "felt OK"), weight loss (about 10 lb's), and felt first fetal movement between weeks 14-15 and felt it regularly at about 18.

With #2 I have felt so much better. I have had bouts of morning sickness, but only vomited twice. Able to curb nausea by eating frequent small meals. No Zofran. I have had a few zits, but not more than normal, not much gas, regular BM's (sorry if it's TMI but it is MY blog), Weight loss (only about 5lb's... apparently pregnancy is my best weight loss plan), First fetal movement... jury's out, but I think it was about 13 weeks. I "might" have felt some at 12 weeks, but they still aren't regular, just sporadic.

One of the biggest differences (BESIDES the MORNING SICKNESS/PREGNANCY SICKNESS) is my belly. I didn't feel like I started "showing" with Max until about 18 weeks. That's the first time I noticed a stomach "pooch" that was more than my normal belly chub. But with #2 I swear I noticed a bump at about 11 weeks and I feel so big already and I'm not even half way there. Maybe my stomach muscles are way out of shape...

Here's photo proof. I am wearing the exact same shirt:



18 weeks with Max

17 Weeks with baby #2

The Grass is Always Greener...

Just a few of the conversations I've had this week at work have come back to the old saying "the grass is greener on the other side" and it is funny how many situations this saying applies to. There is always something we want that we don't have.

My thought process started this week when I was talking to my coworker about how much Chris and I want a house, and how we feel stuck in our Condo since the economy plummeted and our house lost value. How many homeowners 5-6 years ago (when we bought our place) would have ever thought that renting for 5 years would be more beneficial than owning a place for 5 years. Because that is the situation we are in. If we were renting, we could just leave/ not renew a lease. But No, we have to sell and most likely take a loss if we do. We feel stuck.

Then I was talking to a coworker about her life and her new purchases since she just bought the new iPad and was telling me how excited she was playing around with it. She is a single girl living with roommates making RN wages (we aren't millionaires... but we do alright) and she just got back from China doing charity work for Operation Smile. It was her second time.

As I was driving home I was thinking about all the places she has been and how she not only has the money to do so, but the free time as well. Her rent is probably 1/2 or even 1/3rd of what my mortgage is. And she can buy a new iPad if she wants.

However, that is a narrow way of looking at it. I look at her situation and see the freedoms I used to have and how I have sacrificed some of that to be a wife and mom. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a wife and mom (I wouldn't trade that), but there are some things you have to sacrifice to do so. I read a post on Pinterest that said, "You know your a mom when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation". There is some truth to that.

But what it really comes down to is looking at the WHOLE picture.

My work friend has expressed a desire to find a good guy and get married. So maybe she looks at my life and sees that? Who knows?

Maybe Chris and I's situation with our Condo isn't ideal, but there are families in my ward with 2 or even 3 kids... (with more on the way) that are in a 2 BEDROOM CONDO.... that bought their place for more than we bought ours. There are family's just barely getting by with one income. There are family's where both parents have lost their jobs and have little education to fall back on. And I'm complaining that my 3 (soon to be 4) person family is "running out of space" in my 3 bedroom condo. There is always someone in a situation worse than yours. It really puts things in perspective. I am humbled a lot talking to people in my ward.

I'm glad that we do desire more for ourselves and look to others for inspiration. That desire helps propel us forward. Without it we would never progress. However, we do need to keep things in perspective. That way we can be grateful for what we have, while we work for our dreams.

#2

So, for those of you who don't know (or haven't see the little "creepy baby" counter in the corner of my blog... as some people like to call it):

Chris and I are expecting baby #2 in September!

I am very excited to have this new little life coming to ours. We had a rough year last year, but despite all of that, we have had so many blessings! This baby being one of them.

It is strange how different this pregnancy has been from Max. I was so sick with him. I threw up nearly every day, was so nauseated all the time, and was taking zofran from 10 weeks to about 24 weeks.

This one I have experienced some nausea, but it usually goes away when I eat (That DID NOT happen with Max). I have not taken one zofran pill, nor anything for nausea. I have felt overall pretty good besides the absolute exhaustion I feel nearly every day. Like I could sleep all day. Then I can't sleep at night. But I don't want to complain because so far this one has been easier.... even with a 2 year old in the house. (Maybe someone is watching over me)

The 2 year old on the other hand... has challenged me in ways I never realized. He is striving for independence and does not like to do anything that is not HIS way. I understand why it is called the TERRIBLE two's. So many power struggles each and every day. Some days I lie in bed fearing that I can't even handle the one I have, how on earth am I going to handle 2! But like all challenges in life, we figure out a way. It is a learning process and it won't always be easy, or go the way we imagined. But that is Life! All you can do is try to enjoy the ride, however wild it may be.

But even with our challenges, I sure do love my son. He makes me laugh every day. This is his future "blackmail picture".

He found my bra and a swimsuit insert in my underwear drawer and used them as a necklace and hat. He kept saying "hat" and putting it on his head. So funny!

He also does this silly dance whenever music comes on. I call it his "white boy dance" because it is so funny and sorta awkward looking. He sorta moves his arms like a monkey and rocks back and forth. We were watching American Idol the other night and he just kept doing his little dance and laughing because Chris and I were laughing. If I ever need a laugh, I just think of his white boy dance.

He loves the outside! I swear he would live outside if he could. I try to take him out on warm days, but I really dream of one day having a fenced in backyard where I can let him run free without having to chase him so he doesn't go in the street, or the Jordan River, or some place scary. He loves the slide, and when Max finds something he likes he does it OVER

 and over 

And over 

and OVER

Again!

I am so excited for the future with Chris doing really well at his job, a baby on the way, a sibling for Max, the possibilities of going part-time soon, and the dream of a house.

By the way, if you know any one looking for a great 3 bedroom 2 bathroom condo in a central valley location then let me know. We are hoping to get our place on the market this summer. But who knows?