She adores Him.

As I was gassing up at Costco this weekend, after E & I were visiting a friend and her 4 kids, this conversation with my sweet 5-year old took place:

E (very serious, yet happy): "Mommy, I adore that boy Alex because I've always been looking for a big boy who's 10 and he's so handsome that I hope he'll be my husband. I've been wanting someone who will always be 5 years older than me and I've finally found him. I just adore him."

Me: "Really? That's sweet. But, what about Cade? He's a big boy too." (He's my other friend's son, whom we're secretly conspiring an arranged marriage with them since they'd be so cute together and that way we'd be related and get to spend family holidays together and wouldn't have to split time with the grandchildren - you know, normal reasons.)

Me still: "Don't you think Cade's handsome?" (I mean just look at them together getting married bowling!)



E: "Well, yes he's cute, but he's only 8. Alex is 10 and that's perfect because he's older and I want my husband to be 10."

Me, pouting: "oh. well. ok. honey. whatever you want." (on the phone canceling the reservations at the church we've already made for June of 2029.)

The Art and Math of Seduction

My husband just declared he doesn't know how to seduce me. This makes me wonder why it's taken 10 years of marriage to figure that out. And also? What is it about seduction that's a mystery? I'm pretty positive I can seduce him in about 5 seconds flat. It's a fairly elementary equation with men...

Bare skin = turn on.

For example, yesterday I had on a bathing suit that is somewhat risque. It was a 'treat' for my husband on our 10th anniversary trip. It is a fairly basic 1-piece but there is a sizable area in the between 'the girls' that is open and that goes down a little ways. It's all the rage right now. But I ended up not wearing it as I had planned, because husband couldn't handle it in public. He kept pulling back each side of the top to see "how easily one of the girls could just fall out". Then he'd examine it from the side saying "I can see the 'cuppage'" (and he'd insert hand to be sure.) You see where this is going.

I suppose it can be a bit more complex for the man figuring out this equation with a woman. Because, this would require said man to understand it is indeed a DIFFERENT equation.

Much to my dismay, apparently husband doesn't understand that. Since he's still mad at me after yesterday - he came back to our resort room and stripped down from his bathing suit and just walked around buck nude while eating an apple, occasionally giving me 'the eye'. He admitted he was trying to seduce me. By walking around. Naked.

This morning, he's tried a different tack. Doing the dishes and saying, "well if doing the dishes isn't a turn-on, I don't know what is." hmmm.

I've read articles advising men that a sure-fire way to seduce a woman is to be funny and make her laugh. Now, perhaps I'm a different bird, but if I were to dream about a man seducing me, I would not be dreaming of rolling on the floor laughing, snorting and gafawing and then oh! whoops! we're all of a sudden in a passionate lock. But, I do live with a "funny guy" so admittedly, the wife of a 'funny guy' has immunity to that type of strategy that builds up over the years.

I suppose a mathematical lesson is in order. It looks something like this:

Equation for Seducing a Woman:
Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances + manly 'take-chargedness' = turn on

One clarification: by genuine verbal compliments, I don't mean "you're so hot". Just sayin.

Now obviously, it can change and become more simple or more complex, such as:

Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances - the amount of sleep I've had (or lack thereof) + manly take-chargedness +\- the kids' (or his) unruly OR especially helpful behavior the previous week or 2 x my mood & the day of the month +/- how fat I feel = turn on

So, seriously - what's so hard about that?

My blog. How I've missed you.

I have admittedly been absent from my blog for a while. Life. Kids. Stuff. BUT, I am back. For a week at LEAST! Today marks the first day of my 7-day "second honeymoon" with husband, meaning it's almost our 10th anniversary and kids are in another state for the first time ever and I'm at a loss as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with myself. And since I'm typically always at my computer, I will be blogging uninterrupted for this week. It's my comfort away from home. Perhaps not every day - but at least I'll be giving my blog some much deserved love. Some attention after so long... so much neglect. I do heart you, you little bloggy you (shyly running my finger along the screen). Now don't you be mad at mommica. Here's a cookie. Now be a good little blog and let me release my creative energies, my emotions this week. I have a feeling I have a lot stored up and have no idea what's ahead. My blogs may be short and sweet or long and wandering this week. Maybe funny and maybe not. We'll see what you lead me to, sweet little creative outlet bloggy-poo. Mwah!

Day 1: Now what?
10 a.m.: The day started a bit rough - husband made us 2 hours later than mommica-determined schedule. I know we don't need a schedule for a road trip, but still... I did want to get some sun once we arrived, but after some deep breaths and several progesterone cream pumps, I was happy to finally be leaving even if it meant 4 p.m. arrival time. Relax mommica. Seriously.
Noon-thirty: Husband and I have been TALKING in the car for 2.5 hours straight! Without interruption. And not just chit-chatting about blah blah blah, but REALLY talking. Like about deep life-issue stuff. Excusez-moi? I truly don't recall the last time we did that. My heart beats wildly at this thought. Husband clearly couldn't wait to chat it up because he had some GOOD stuff to say! Lots of great discussion. Realizations and wisdom thrown all over the place. I had no idea these ideas were even in my head!

Hold on. I need to relocate the computer so I can see the ocean instead of the fridge while I'm getting my inspiration on. Yeeeeeessssssss.. That's better. Outside looking at the ocean.

Anyhow, the car ride was everything it should have been - filled with great conversation, great music, hand holding, some tears, some laughs.

4:00 Arrive at the resort. One minute inside the room and I'm completely stir crazy. It's a little too far from the action. A little too quiet. I'm totally bored already. I'm giddy. I'm almost hysterical. What now? Call the kids. Not home. Step on porch to look at the ocean and notice the bees all over the beautiful purple bush thingy. Worry? Did we sanitize after McDonald's so we don't get swine flu while we're here? Ugh. Unpack. Arrange shoes. Open wine. Get music started. I'm not sure but I absolutely know there's some kind of responsible thing I'm not doing right now.

5:00 Alone. Husband ran to store for dinner (my amazing gorgonzola/evoo/garlic spread on Italian bread for apps, shrimp scampi with linguini and salad, of course, for dinner). By myself. Start blogging. Finish my glass of wine. Start breathing. Releasing. Relaxing. Listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I want to sleep and cry. Why is that I wonder?

We have no plans. No time schedule. Nothing to do but learn about each other again after 10 years and 2 kids and lots of rough times and lots of great times and complete financial stresses so intense that I thought we could literally crack from the pressure and all the while feeling God's grace and care.


Breathing.


I still want to cry. Not a sad cry. Just cry?


And now, as I sit here waiting for husband to return to me, I realize after all the guilt I've felt this week with Princess E sobbing, begging me to cancel my trip and worrying about all the details of having them with 3 different people...

I neeed this

Cleanse Follow-up. One month later.

So, I didn't post every day of my 8-day cleanse. Shoot me. Here's what happened in a nutshell... I made it 4.75 days without eating a single thing (yay me!) - was really in a pretty good mood the entire time, much to my surprise. The last day you're supposed to feel better than ever and the beginning days people typically feel tired, cruddy, headachy - none of which I felt. However, my last day I couldn't get out of bed and felt so horrible I couldn't move. I had this amazing urge to sob, which I did, and was shaky and lifeless. So I guess that my 'deep cleanse' reaction came at the end, which kind of stinks since I was really looking for that super high as a perk for doing it, which I never got. So I ended up eating a sliver of canteloupe that morning and started feeling a bit better - then went the rest of the day without eating and had dinner.

My overall feeling about it - I would do it again! It was hard - but do-able since husband really helped out with feeding the kids at night, which was the hardest/most tempting part. I developed a superhero sense of smell while I was on it - could literally smell food a mile away, which was like being pregnant x 100. I'm not sure I feel any different after doing it, but I was able to lose a little weight, and I now can say I have some will power, which I'm pretty happy about. OK, boring post done.

The Cleanse. Day 1.

I have decided to get a happy colon and do an 8-day cleanse with a 5 day liquids-only fast. Crazy much? Yep. Why???? You ask. Well, because a) I don't have an unhappy colon, but a healthy (aka cleaned out) colon is essential to some body stuff, and I'm all about ridding my body of toxins, and b) because I ADORE eating and could quite possibly eat a small child should they get in my way of dinner, and c) because I need to lose 10 pounds and due to reason (b) I have trouble reducing my portion sizes to allow me to drop said weight and figured this would be the perfect way to do that, and d) because I'd really like to prove to myself I'm as strong as my friend Melissa who has done this twice already.

Is it just me or do you ever feel entirely wimpish around people who have the strength of Jesus during his 40 days in the desert? Like I have a friend who regularly runs full marathons, am I'm all "huh. I attempted to run a marathon in high school (without training one single day) and made it 7 miles and literally felt like my calves were hack-sawed in half for about a month. Granted - that was due to sheer stupidity - not my will power, but still. I could have actually had the willpower to train consistently.

Another example - after 15 hours of labor without feeling much of anything contraction-wise, they turned my petocin up to full volume and one contraction sent me over the edge and I was practically french-kissing the anesthesiologist as he walked in the room with my epidural. I have many friends who suffered through natural child birth without hesitation.

So, you see, I'm trying to develop more discipline in my life and with that comes development of self-control.

Anyhow. So I'm here today. My ritual the past 3 days has been to reduce portions by 25% each day. Fine. Done. No prob. Then today I started the fast. I drink this sand with juice Toxin Absorber with apple juice 5x a day. I've been irritable and my mind has been playing some serious games with my determination. But I think I've already lost about 2 pounds. And I called my friend Melissa and she kicked my a@$ back in shape to finish this thing out.

So, I'll be blogging about my experience each day until I quit - I mean finish the 5 days. Ugh. God help me.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE BRIDAL HEADPIECES!!!

Some of you may know that I work in the wedding industry. And those of us in this industry musn't take ourselves too seriously, now shall we? While doing my due-diligence in trend-spotting and the latest fashion research, I came across these runway photos from a very talented Haute Couture designer, who shall remain nameless because I don't want him tracking me down and killing me. However, the photos from this fashion show just crack me up.

PLANNER TIP: If you're a bride & were trying to be chic and trend-setting by having an unusual headpiece to add to your bridal attire and wanted ... say... oh I don't know... maybe a clipper ship on your head? Sorry - think again. It's been done. Unfortunately.

Check out these unique headpieces ... I'd guess by the looks on the models' faces, they're real peachy to try to hold up with the mere strength of one's neck.

I'm thinking this next one is some sort of saxophone with a dive-bombing airplane, but any of your guesses would be ultra helpful...

Your standard guitar on the head... ugh - so overdone these days.

Goodness gracious, someone help this woman! Her ruffles are eating her face off!

Enough of the headpieces, let's discuss the next hot hair trend... rosehawks. That's right. You've heard of mohawks and fauxhawks, but now there's something better for your special day!

Kids, hold on to your hats because here comes Sesame Street's very own... Big Bird's Bride!

And now we bring you a very special look at what can happen when you try to plan your own wedding. This is your brain. This is your brain on blueberries. (Doesn't she look like she's having the most wonderful day of her life??)

Just so you all know, I truly truly mean no harm or attack on this amazing designer. I respect his work and am just having a little fun! (But between you and me, I do wonder what malicious woman broke his heart and ripped it to shreds to make him take it out on these poor models.) Just sayin.

Pshaw. No I don't.

Whenever I complain about my husband's snoring, he always comes at me with "well, so do you!" and I'm all "psht. whatever. puh-lease." I mean, everyone in my family knows there's NUTHing that can compare to the sonic booms that come out of my 94-year old grandma's mouth when she snores, but I. Do. Not. Snore. I may drool, but I don't snore.

Buuuuut, then something happened. After many sleepless nights reading about my very dangerous and pale lover, Edward Cullen, I fell immediately asleep last night - mouth wide open, dead tired. And I remember subconsciously that my body started doing something - that I was doing something that felt very ... good, shall we say? (one eye brow seductively raised) And that it was lulling me to sleep. It was almost hypnotic (mmmm.... yesssssss, drumming fingers together), whatever it was that I was doing.

So then, I woke up and my husband tells me, without missing a beat, that I was snoring. And as I was rolling over telling him I don't do that sort of thing, I realized, hmmm... while I have NEVER done this before, I was indeed snoring. And it drew a strange sense of comfort to me. Hard to describe. And I think I might try it again. I kinda like it (mwahahahaha!)