Pray in Cambodia

I still remember vividly the first Sunday of 2012, Clarence* spoke about nothing is accidentally. Events that happened in your life and what you're today are all destined. And the last Sunday of 2012, Su-Lin* spoke about gratitude, be thankful in all circumstances in life.

This Pray trip crystallizes some thoughts which have been in my mind for sometime. Reading the email from Rev. Yap* about human rights last night in Cambodia gave goosebumps all over. How apt can it be? I'm still right here in Cambodia, writing this on the bus heading to Phnom Penh from Siem Reap.

Visiting the Genocide Museum and Choeung Ek Killing Field on the Independence Day of my own country (Malaysia achieved its Independence Day on 31 Aug 1957) made me reminisce about the good old days with my fellow Malaysian friends and ponder about what Malaysia is today. Why the unrest, why the backtracking? Why still manipulate issue that is so passė even after 56 years of Independence? Don't we know we are so blessed that we should be grateful and progress further together? Don't we learn from the history of our very own and others?

I'll never forget my tuk tuk driver whom brought me around to see the Angkor Archeological Park, when I gave him an extra dollar for tips, the gratefulness that showed on his face. He stood there for a while and thanked me. As if he took the money and left right away would be disrespectful. He didn't taut like others, spoke fairly good English, had been a dutiful and thoughtful driver. As much as I wanted to give him a hug, we both put our palms together, bowed and greeted each other farewell. That one dollar note taught me a lesson that money can never buy. I wish you all well, Wanda, and will always live with dignity.

I should always be grateful for having born in a so called civilized society. I am one of those in the 20 percentage of the world population that was born and live in privilege. But I cannot ignore what my heart speaks to me, the hard lives of billions of people out there.

Indeed, life is not an accident. What have brought me to see, hear and live, meant to show me the meaning of life.

It's like a pilgrimage ahead for me. I'd probably have started it.

Bless me.

 

*both Clarence and Su-Lin speak on and off at Free Community Church (FCC) on Sundays. FCC is the only non-denominational church in Singapore, which welcomes all walks regardless of religion, race, and sexuality.

*Rev. Yap has been the pastoral advisor of FCC since it was founded. Rev Yap is in his 70's and he is still an active advocate of inter-faith dialogue, social justice and human rights issues.

Lay your head down... Yossi.

It was a good sneak out at 5pm for a movie, on a Tuesday afternoon

It was no ordinary, but an Israeli gay movie.

His lover died in his arms in a battle field. 

His heart was wrenched and exhausted. It's time to move on. As he painfully faced himself, stripping down to naked, letting the armour down, finally laying his head down in the new found pair of warm arms.

I don't see myself end up in a gay sauna again. I don't want to go down that path. Neither do I know how to undress my armour in front of someone new. Leo and I have been chatting for months without meeting up. 

I wish to lay my head down... in a pair of arms.

As if I see myself in Yossi. 

Afterall Yossi is Joseph.

Sketch a little more...

Looking back at some old blogs, I had the urge of deleting them! 

They looked disoriented, in bad grammar, poor vocab, jumbled up sequence...

Martin said please keep them, they are memories, and precious!

Many thoughts came into my mind lately.

I want to jot them down 'cause I will forget them.

I might die tomorrow or get into an accident and turn paralysed... 

lose memory...

I want to remember all these.

How the crooked, straight, thin, thick lines in my life have been sketched.

Catching up with Hew and Scott

Hew introduced me to Scott.

And I and Scott have been close friends.

Hew met Matt. I had been harsh 'cause Matt doesn't want to commit. Hew deserved someone better, simple as that. But Hew defended Matt. That's it, the last time I met Hew was a year and a half ago.
What went wrong? 

Life is really, really simple sometimes.

When it can be simple, don't make it complicated.

I'm so glad I met Hew again.

I said sorry.

Just catch up more.

Many hugs.

One Day

I didn't expect this movie would get to me so much.

Anna said: "I've never seen you this quiet."

My mind was occupied with the thoughts, even the next morning, that how could she be just taken away from him after so many years of hardship, reconciliation, reciprocation...

Life is not fair.

Martin struck me.
"I am always impressed and inspired by those whom pulled themselves together and moved on from great despair."

He moved on with his life, acknowledging what she's done for him, the meaning that had been brought to his life, remembering how they first met, just as how the movie ended.

Life, is beautiful.

And I want to thank Martin for letting me see the positive and courageous part of the movie.
I need to embrace life no matter what, pay respect and acknowledge those who have journeyed, cared and loved us, so that our lives are worth and well lived.

Applause for him.
Applause for all of us.

Memories... are living entities

Before Sunset is always on my iPad.

"Memory is a wonderful thing when you don't have to deal with the past."

Memories shape many parts of what we are now.

As much as I wanted to move on, but past is past, it can never be edited nor altered.

There are there, remind us of how we have been this far, whether you like it or not.

Recuperate... and go on

It is 8 months since the last blog.

And there goes nearly 7 months I am in the relationship.

Whether be it single or attached, it takes equal courage to be living happily and contentedly.

I just wish there'll be always something for me to look forward to.

Are memories indispensable?

I have never asked so many questions before trying out a relationship.

Nothing is absolutely safe - but somehow I am just trying to set up a safety net for myself, if it is the case I woud fall, at least the injury can be minimised.

Tina said I was being - really - careful; will I lose the adventurous part of the relationship?

When comes to relationship, to me, now - I just wish it can be as steady, as possibile as I wish.

Drama? I am sure bits and pieces of it come along the way.


But just - when you are starting to build memories with somebody, the memories will be with you for a long time; It may be sweet when you're flashing them back again sometimes; but vice versa, it may be bitter.

are memories dispensable?
sometimes I wish it can be.
probably it would alleviate the pain better.

whether dramatic or monotonous?
whether turbulent or steady?


I guess sometimes when you are already in it -
half of it
is not in your hands.

loving it, hating it

i don't know how the life can exactly be if i ever get into a relationship again.

what i'm feeling now - the urge of missing somebody and wish not to be missing somebody makes me, very uneasy. Though he sounded all right, though we both, sounded, comfortable with each other.

is it a pre-emotional stage of falling into - something called love, again?

I know it clear loving somebody again is never easy, for me.

Can I just be with someone comfortable, for a long time, enjoy the companionship, without thinking of - Love?

A companionship driven relationship VS a Love driven relationship.
How much of these can the emotions handle? and constructively build the future together?

And either way the relationship will get complicated.

I am just wondering whether I am ready enough for the forthcomings.

restless drizzles

I was as restless as the drizzles -
as I thought it shouldn't be rainy now. And the rain was caused by the La Nina phenomenon.

I thought my steadiness could stay with this routine for a longer time, but I couldn't.

anyhow, the restless didn't cause much ripples.
I went to see my regular messeur and he has been accomodating as usual. and I rejected and thanked him for his offer of jerking me off. He is a nice guy. and tired and he needed some rest. I hugged him as might he need it as much I needed to be in someone's arms.

the sexual urge does subside as my body and thought go by;
and sometimes I need more warm arms rather than jerking stimulation.