"CNN executives were baffled by a large crowd outside their offices and in their lobby Friday, not having seen an audience that size in many years."

From the Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN executives were baffled by a large crowd outside their offices and in their lobby Friday, not having seen an audience that size in many years.

Execs quickly added the hundreds of people outside their offices to their audience numbers, more than doubling their ratings for the day.

"Woohoo! It's happening!" said the station's founder, Bob CNN. "Brian! Anderson! Come quick! We're finally drawing crowds! Years of hard work finally paying off!"

Peering out the window, Brian Stelter muttered, "No social distancing or masks though. But we'll take what we can get at this point."

Mr. CNN then walked through the lobby handing out fliers inviting the protesters back to watch CNN's failing weekend shows Saturday and Sunday. "This is where it all turns around for us."

Yes, we are nakedly partisan; yes, we are plainly dishonest, but we're journalists!

Ace of Spades writes,

CNN is a nakedly partisan actor as well as a plainly dishonest actor, but they're still wearing the SkinSuit of "Journalism" and demanding that others pay them respect.

That comment is in reference to complaints about Vice President Pence not allowing members of his task force to appear on CNN.

Read more here.

How many more multi-million-dollar lawsuits can CNN afford to lose?

Last week they settled with Covington Catholic High Schooler Nick Sandmann. Now, Cynthia Littleton reports in Variety,

CNN has agreed to pay $76 million to settle a back pay case involving union workers that marks the largest “monetary remedy” in the 85-year history of National Labor Relations Board.

The dispute began in 2003 when CNN fired a group of unionized subcontractors working as video technicians and in other technical and support roles.

The cabler then hired new, non-union employees for most of the same functions. That sparked a trail of litigation with National Association of Broadcast Employees and Technicians and Communications Workers of America, that has been winding through federal adjudication for more than a decade. The NLRB is the federal agency designed to protect the rights of employees to organize in the workplace.

The settlement will be spread among more than 300 people.

Read more here.

CNN's settlement with Nick Sandmann

The Babylon Bee is on an incredible roll!

ATLANTA, GA—According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

"Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place.

Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some could construe as 'smug.' Wouldn't want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that."

CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, "Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we've ever had."

Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a clown nose instead, as usual.

"CNN hosts called for Texas to designate their churches "gun-free zones," so that the mentally ill can do whatever they please without being stopped by deranged conservatives."

One more from the Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—Churchgoer Jack Wilson shot and killed a mass shooter at West Freeway Church of Christ, preventing what could have been a much worse shooting.

But CNN reported on the event with the headline and caption "Trump voter shot a mentally ill man in a Texas church," causing some to question whether CNN might be a biased source of news.

"Once again we see that Trump voters are hopelessly wicked," said one somber anchor as footage came in of a shooting in a Texas church. "There is nothing they won't do to attack the oppressed, mentally ill community. All this man wanted to do was express his true identity and live out who he really is, and he was stopped by yet another psychotic Trump voter."

CNN hosts called for Texas to designate their churches "gun-free zones," so that the mentally ill can do whatever they please without being stopped by deranged conservatives.

"You don't have to take America's word for it...go ask the Europeans!

Watch this beautiful woman the Trump administration has hired to be spokeswoman for the State Department absolutely demolish the person representing fake news CNN!

CNN loses defamation lawsuit

Oregon Muse posts the above meme and writes in the Ace of Spades blog this morning,

"WE'RE NOT THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!" screamed CNN as their accountants wrote out a big honkin' check to Nick Sandmann for defaming him.
"I'd like the settlement to include an epic groveling on-air apology by Brian Stelter, wearing oversized diapers, while eating kibbles from a dog dish on all fours, but that's probably too much to hope for.

"So, my question is, what are they going to do to improve? I'd like to think that there will shortly be a meeting of the CNN bigwigs where the CEO gets up in front of everybody and says something like, 'Guys, we really fcuked it up this time. We screwed the pooch, we got caught with our pants down, we pulled a boner, we dropped the ball, roughed the passer, stepped on our own dcik, got called for unsportsmanlike conduct, and made an unforced error. So what are we going to do to prevent these giant payouts in the future? How do we improve our product?

"Because in any other industry, a meeting like this would be taking place. A failure analysis would be started, procedures reviewed, and there would most likely be personnel changes. But you turn on CNN right now, and what do you get? The same lineup of half-sentient tubers whose reporting was so incompetent and maliciously biased that their bosses knew they'd lose the defamation case if it ever came to trial, so they bravely turned their tails and fled.

"And this nonsense will continue until the crappy journalismists start losing their jobs because of their crap journalismisng. But first, they have to see this is a bug, not a feature of the way they do business. In other words, they have to first admit they have a problem, and I don't think they've even got to that point yet.

CNN caves, Washington Post and NBC next?

Paul Goldberg reports in News Thud,

CNN just caved and agreed to settle a massive lawsuit brought by Covington Catholic student Nick Sandmann.

Read more here.

Historic

Ace of Spades asks and answers: Shouldn't a historic television pageant be good for the ratings of CNN, the Orange Man Bad network?

Apparently not.

CNN posted its lowest primetime ratings in three years over the Thanksgiving holidays, while Fox News posted higher ratings than CNN and MSNBC combined.
...

It was CNN's worst primetime week in three years, and its worst week among the 25-54 demographic. Here is a video with many CNN pundits saying it was "an historic day." Ace of Spades:

apparently CNN leaned on one of the traditional media companies it is illegally colluding with, and Google -- parent of YouTube -- took down the video at CNN's demand.

SUPERCUT: Every day on CNN is “historic” when Trump’s being impeached pic.twitter.com/QbqIstrl8n

— Tom Elliott (@tomselliott) December 5, 2019

Places where you can leave your spare quarters!

The satirical Babylon Bee reports,

WORLD—Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.

For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you're waiting for your flight, leaving you with the "far superior" experience of just staring at a blank screen.

"At long last," said one man waiting for his flight at LaGuardia as he dropped a few dollars' worth of quarters into the "Turn CNN Off" slot. "Honestly, I might fly more now." He's not alone: airports expect a 426% uptick in traveling over the holidays as flyers no longer have to worry about having the droning words of CNN hosts pounded into their heads for hours on a layover.

The feature has been one of the most-requested by travelers along with the dismantling of the TSA and pretzel bags with more than 3 pretzels in them.

The money-making move has inspired moments of human compassion and unity as travelers lend each other money or leave quarters behind atop the television sets for future travelers to turn off CNN. One anonymous philanthropist at DFW prepaid for over a year of CNN-less travel throughout the terminal.

"It's great to see what humanity can accomplish when we unite," said one man at LAX as he rummaged through his pockets to lend a quarter to a woman who wanted to turn off the CNN screen near her. "Here you go, miss. Enjoy your flight!"

CNN is protesting the move, saying it has cut their viewing audience in half, leaving them with just one.

A similar program is being rolled out in hospital waiting rooms throughout the country.

"Pumping out propaganda"

In Fox News, Brian Flood reports,

Undercover recordings made by an alleged 'whistleblower' capture CNN employees casually confirming the network's anti-Trump bias and show company president Jeff Zucker telling top news executives to focus solely on impeachment even at the expense of other important news, according to the conservative activist group that posted the bombshell footage online.

Read more here.

What CNN reports and doesn't

Things CNN has reported:

-Trump gets 2 scoops of ice cream, everyone else gets 1

-The shape of Trump's genitals

-How many Diet Cokes Trump drinks daily

Things CNN won't report:

-An alleged illegal alien serial killer who was charged with murdering 12 elderly women in Dallas pic.twitter.com/teXZUh1oWn

— Ryan Saavedra (@RealSaavedra) May 21, 2019

Fake News

Virginia's Democrat governor, a supporter of full-term abortion, is in trouble for two pictures in his college yearbook, one of a person in blackface, and one in a KKK hood. CNN plays his apology video, and labels him a Republican!

Nothing to see here just CNN labeling Ralph Northam a ***Republican*** pic.twitter.com/zTGHqG17JE

— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) February 2, 2019

"The President's political advisor?"

Notice the CNN man at the beginning of the tape saying "arrested Roger Stone, the President's political advisor." I did not know Roger had that title. Could that be fake news?

CNN having a hard time containing themselves today

It's certainly a big day for Nancy Pecongresscongress Today Todaylosi pic.twitter.com/Hz7DstK5tz

— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) January 3, 2019

Lying to Congress, then getting hired by CNN

In The Federalist, Sean Davis reports,

A newly declassified report on Russian interference in the 2016 U.S. elections reveals that former intelligence chief James Clapper lied to Congress about information he shared with CNN on the infamous Steele dossier.

...As The Federalist‘s Mollie Hemingway noted after Comey’s memos were finally made available to the public, the fired FBI director’s account of the briefing of Trump suggested that the entire briefing was a setup from the beginning, and that it was scheduled and held just so it could be leaked to journalists who wanted an excuse to publish a dossier nobody had verified.

...Clapper, who previously lied to Congress about whether the U.S. government was electronically spying on millions of Americans, was subsequently hired by CNN just months after his leak.

Read more here.

Back to the future

hat tip Oregon Muse

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

CNN expands into Russia.

CNN should heed this suggestion!

At PowerLine, John Hinderaker suggests that CNN

should abandon all of its television programming, and simply fill the screen with a sign that says, “We hate President Trump.” That would save a lot of trouble, and avoid quite a few factual errors.

...CNN, in its daily effort to discredit President Trump, hastily published a leak from Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee that turned out to be false. CNN initially claimed that someone emailed Donald Trump, Jr. a link to a Wikileaks DNC dump on September 4, 2016. CNN said this information was based on “accounts from two sources who had seen the email.” Those sources obviously were Democrat committee members or staffers; Donald Jr. testified about the email before the Intelligence Committee on Wednesday.

CNN attributed significance to the email because it allegedly was dated September 4, nine days before the Wikileaks documents in question were made public. But–oops–the Democrats misinformed CNN. The email is actually dated September 14, the day after the documents were released. So a Trump supporter was simply trying to call the Trump campaign’s attention to publicly-available documents.

Read more here.

Not shown on CNN!