Guilt

I've been feeling guilty lately. Like I'm not honoring Alexis in the way I should. I feel bad not posting here very often. I want to do something in her name. Like one of my friends holds sewing days where people come and sew gowns and blankets for the local hospital. I want to do something like that. But I don't know what. I wish we had had a bigger party for her on her birthday. I wish I could see her again, even if for a moment. Even if it was in a dream or something. I miss her.

I have a song playlist called Alexis...its songs about grief/trials that have brought me a lot of comfort through the past couple years. I haven't listened to them in a long time. But the other day I was talking to a friend who also has lost a baby and one of these songs came up and she said she hadn't heard it. Its one of my very favorites so I thought I'd put together a quick video with it so she could hear it and I could remember my angel baby. The beginning of the song talks about when the mom was carrying the baby so I included pictures of me pregnant with Alexis, then it talks about the short time they had with the baby and then the years after how the mom still carries the baby in her heart and the mom is being carried as well. You've seen most of these photos before, but take a moment and remember with me...



- Amy

2 Years

Two years....two years since I gave birth to our beautiful angel baby. My heart is breaking all over again. We miss you baby girl. Words cannot express how much.

Feeling Sad

I've really been feeling down this past week. I'm sure it has to do with this being the week two years ago that my first baby died. Our sweet Alexis died. I don't know when it was exactly. I wish I did...when did her heart actually stop beating? But I do know that it was two years ago today that I laid on that table in the doctors office totally naive to the crushing blow that was soon to follow.

Doctor squirts the gel on your tummy. Presses the doppler to your skin. Normally there is a strong thump, thump, thump...a healthy baby's heart beating. But in my case, two years ago today, there was silence. Nothing but silence.

Then comes the ultrasound machine. More silence. Then the words that brought my whole world down..."I'm sorry but its not beating (talking about her heart)."

Sitting here two years later with our healthy 2nd baby girl jumping in her jumperoo I can hardly believe it was real. Does that REALLY happen?! Babies DIE?! Unfortunately they do. It happened to me.

I have two children though you wouldn't know it to look at me.

I really have been feeling a lot more sad this whole week. Even when I haven't been necessarily thinking about Alexis I've just been sad.

I've been feeling a little angry too. When I was pregnant with Alexis things were really good...I mean for me personally, I felt like I was doing really well in most aspects of my life. Things that I had struggled with before were not really a problem. I was in a really good place emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Then my baby died. And I feel like I'd been slapped down hard off the proverbial ladder. I'd been climbing, working, and then all of a sudden WHAM knocked all the way to the ground. I started struggling mentally and emotionally again, and I didn't have the strength to fight it this time...I was dealing with my daughter's death.

 And so I sit here now feeling like I'm still trying to work my way up that ladder again. In some ways I still feel beaten down, like I'm barely getting off the ground again. Its really frustrating.

Of course we are stronger in some areas because of it. There are some wonderful things that have come and still come from this experience, people I've met, opportunities I've had...but right now I'm just feeling sad.

We miss you Alexis.

When All Is Said And Done

*Thanks to those who commented on my last post on the blog or FB...I'm grateful for loving family and friends who care. Its just another step on this journey we are on.

So tonight we watched a video about Esther for Family Home Evening. She is a remarkable woman of great faith...despite facing the loss of her own life she did what was right. I have a special fondness for the story of Esther as my middle name is also Esther.

When Mordecai told Esther to go into the King she told him that if she went without being summoned she would surely die. In response to this Mordecai told her that if she didn't she and her "father's house" would be destroyed, then he said "...who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"

It is a question we can all ask ourselves throughout our lives. We each have a purpose on this earth and we are here at this time for a reason. Was I born at this time, meant to be a mother of an angel? Yes. Is that my only purpose on this earth? No.  

As part of the story on the video there was a song played called "When all is said and done"...its a wonderful song and some of the words particularly stuck out to me at this time in my life (I've bolded those)....

"When all is said and done
as the season slips away
when I've taken steps beyond my sight
will I find my strength in greater light
will my courage grow with every passing day
and will my faith be constant as the setting sun 
when all is said and done

When all is said and done
and the years have turned to gold
will my life become a legacy
of the things that matter most to me
will the fire of faith burn bright as I grow old 
and will I want to be the person I've become
when all is said and done

When all is said and done
when my eyes can finally see
will I glory in the sweet release
and will mercy fill my soul with peace 
will I kneel in wonder at the Savior's feet
will I hear him say 'well done'
when he sees who I've become
will I live with him
when all is said and done"


- Amy

Horror

*Warning...this is not a happy or reflective post, its raw and real. You've been warned.

Its been almost 2 years...2 years since Alexis died. You'd think that by now I would have felt the full range of emotions related to my experience but I guess not...yesterday I had a new realization, a realization of sheer horror. Horror of the fact that my baby DIED INSIDE OF ME! She was alive...and then she DIED, INSIDE of me. I don't know if I can communicate what I'm trying to in words but the fact that a living thing actually lost their life inside of me is horrifying. Maybe its shows like NCIS or Fringe that we've watched lately that made me think of things this way... but really...How did I not know?!

Did she suffer? I know I've thought of this before but never really dwelled on it, hoping that she didn't. I know most people would say no she didn't but really? Do you really think that or are you just being nice? Because the cord was wrapped around her neck...it wasn't instant...it had to be gradual...when they did the autopsy they said they found some of her blood vessels burst, evidence of asphyxiation! They BURST...oh sweet baby I'm so sorry....I hope you didn't suffer or hurt but if you did I'm so sorry Mommy didn't know....I wish I could have saved you, but it was not meant to be. We miss you so much. Your little sister will know about you and we will see you again someday.

"Little Angel"

I found this song the other day, it came with a little book and CD I'd bought. Its a book called "Calling All Angels", its about Jessie Clark Funk's own loss and has a CD with the song "Calling All Angels" on it (its the second song in Alexis' video at the bottom of the page) and then it had this other song called "Little Angel", its written by Brit Smallze and performed by Jessie Clark Funk. I LOVE music and as I've said before it really speaks to my soul. I loved this song and I wanted to share it. I couldn't find it anywhere online so the only way I could figure out how to share it was to put it in a video, so I put together some pictures of our Lexi, some you have seen before but its been a while and I figured its always good to remember. Some pictures are new. Push play and listen to this awesome song, and if you would do a favor for this momma, take a minute to remember my angel. Thanks. :)

Wave of Light

I'm a little late in posting this but I wanted to invite everyone to light a candle at 7pm tonight your time for all those babies that have been taken so soon. We have our's ready to light for Alexis and all her angel friends.

Peace

This scripture came to my mind last night:

Philip. 4: 7
7 . And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I was making cookies and my mind was wandering. Thinking about things. I don't know why or how but I got thinking about one of my friends who also has lost a baby. Then that made me think of my own loss. And I just had a strong feeling, thinking "How in the WORLD am I still alive after that, how did I live through that without becoming completely messed up?!" And the only way is in that scripture above, the peace of God. I think there is a reason time dulls the pain, it makes it manageable...you forget how poignant and excruciating it felt in that moment...thats why women have more than one baby, and thats how I can continue my life and have joy again. Its a blessing from God. I still remember, but the pain is not the same as it was that fateful day I heard the doctor say my baby was gone. If time didn't take some of that sting away I wouldn't be able to live, I wouldn't be able to function. But I do live, I do function, I'm a mother to another baby girl and we are happy. We still miss Alexis, we still have our struggles, but through the grace of God and His peace, we know we will see her again and we can still have joy. It is truly a "peace that passeth all understanding". Our mortal minds think how could we survive such sorrow?! But we can and we do, through God's "peace that passeth all understanding".

I still have moments where it hits me like, "I REALLY lost a baby!" and the sadness floods me. But those moments are few and far between now and I look forward to the day that I will see my precious baby again. These are just some of the thoughts that have been going through my mind lately...sorry if its a little rambly (I think I made that word up :) ). I just wish I could hold her again, just for moment, so I could remember how very real she is. I miss her.

Long time

Its been a long time since I've posted here...Alexis has a new sister, Addilyn, and I've been consumed with taking care of her. I've also been feeling guilty, like I'm betraying Alexis. I don't want to forget her, and I know I won't, but I want her to be a part of our lives, to be remembered in our home every day...and I'm afraid as we continue to have children that it won't happen. I just feel guilty for loving another baby, almost like it means I don't love her as much. I know thats not true...but its hard when she isn't here, as the days go by since I held her in my arms the memories slowly fade and its harder and harder to remember what she was like, that I've actually given birth to two beautiful girls, though only one is here with us right now.

I've wanted to continue posting here...but I just haven't known what to say. I came across this poem from a fellow angel mommy's blog today and decided it was the perfect thing to start my posting again. Its such a sweet poem...

"It isn't letting go
its going on.
It isnt only shadows
and it isnt only dawn.
It isn't GETTING THROUGH IT
...it's letting it come through me,
not living in the darkness
though the darkness I can see.
Its living with the sorrow
but finding memories sweet.
Its knowing that it takes both sides
to make it all complete.
It's soaking up the sunshine
along with the rain
Its learning to let laughter
live side by side with pain.
Its knowing that the past
wont change a love thats real
or take away the joy you brought
or the sorrow that I feel.
Its knowing tears and laughter
can live on the same face,
and your impression on my heart
can never be erased."

We love and miss you sweet Alexis and have felt your presence near!

Miracles

I am sitting on my couch in tears as I've watched this sweet video of Baby Bronson...what a miracle! NOTHING short of a miracle. Its so amazing what has happened and such an incredible blessing for this family. I'm so happy for them.

But here comes the honesty, because this is my blog and I need to get this out, I am also INCREDIBLY jealous of this family. They got their miracle! Their son lived! Though our situations are very different there is a similarity...their child lived after distress and mine died. I don't understand God's ways and why their child lived and mine didn't. I try to have faith and I do believe that God's will is best. But my WHOLE SOUL aches that my baby had to be the one that died. Of course I don't want any babies to die, but especially mine! I have so many friends who have had babies this past year, and we were looking at pictures of one of them the other day and I thought, "They are SO LUCKY that theirs lived!!"

All I know about pregnancy is death, and though I have great hope for this new pregnancy, there is no guarantee for me. I HOPE and PRAY that this one will end happily, but do I have enough faith? Did Bronson live because his parents had enough faith and did mine die because I didn't have enough faith? I do believe God is a God of miracles, it is obvious in so many things around me, but I do struggle heavily with the belief He will perform a miracle for ME personally. I feel very weak and very fragile.

As immense as the Staker's joy is at this moment, my sorrow is just as immense as I struggle with my own insecurities and my own loss.