Time for a new chapter

So, I have taken some new turns in life. First, I have decided it's time to move forward and let Dylan go. I have taken off my necklace and taken down the shrine in my bedroom. I will always love him but I need to move on with my life and this seems like a good place to start.

I am going to quit school. At least the current classes I am taking. I no longer want to work in this field and am going to work my way towards what makes me happy--baking. I need you're help, however. First, please spread the word. I am going to start small and just from my home from word of mouth. I will attempt anything anyone needs. My prices for now will be cost of supplies plus $10/hour. So please, any help you all can offer would be much appreciated. Second, I need a name for my "business". Any suggestions?

Back to the school thing. I am going to take some business management classes and accounting classes. Stuff I feel will help me run a good business when it turns out to be that way.

I am happiest when I am cooking. Standing there in the quiet creating a masterpiece. I absolutely love it and want to do more of it. So please feel free to order away and spread the word.

I remember

I remember your eyes
I remember your smile
The two combined
At my first glance in your direction.
I remember your smells
I remember your laugh
I remember your touch
I remember your anger
I remember every date
I remember all the fights
I remember everything there is to
About the only meaningful years of my life.
I wake up sometimes
To see a shadow
Scares me at times
And then its gone.
I walk by the bathroom
I picture you standing there
Taking too long to get ready
Such a girl :)
Cooking meals
Watching movies
Doing drug flash cards for paramedic school
Demolishing the house.
The way I know
You were the one for me
Is everything that has ever happened with us
I remember...

Thoughts for the day...

I have figured out some things about relationships over the past couple of days. I think there are two ways to find out you love someone. One-you see them for the first time and your life as you have always known it is over. It makes everything before seem so unworthy and everything in the future is different at that very moment. My best explanation of the feeling is "paralyzing". Two-I think is the most common way to find love. You meet someone, you get to know them, you grow to like and/or love them, and then the future. For some people, this works. It could be what lasts for them forever. But think of this for a moment...My only question is, what happens if you find the next person you meet to be even more compatible then the current one you're with. There is always someone even more perfect for you (or we wouldn't ever have exes). Or what happens if you get that "paralyzing feeling" for someone else. Do you stay where you are because it's the "right thing" to do or do you go for what was meant to be?

I have this idea of what I think love should feel like. I don't know where I got it from because I have never seen it in my life growing up. I think you should long for the person you are with every second you are apart. Not to the point that you can't function but almost to that point. When you are with this person you feel complete. When you touch that person, you melt inside. I know it sounds like infactuation, but why does it stop? For me, love it that feeling forever, not just the beginning.

Now for me...I have felt that "paralyzing feeling" of not knowing that person across the room, but not being able to take another breath without his smile, glance, or touch. It is a hard act to follow. I have yet to find someone to tell me about the first time they met their significant other and me knowing they felt the same thing that I did that night. Will I find it again, I'm not sure. It doesn't really seem to be that common. Am I happy it happened, yes I am. I am a better person for knowing and loving Dylan as much as I did. The hardest part for me is settling for something that doesn't feel that great. Maybe someday I will find the way to, who knows.

Dylan and I had a lot of problems just like everyone else. I think our biggest problem, however, was us getting in our own way. We didn't know the feelings we felt were so great, we didn't trust them, and we didn't know how to just go with it. I'm not complaining about anything right now, but most of you think I am "broken" or have issues, but the truth is I know what it is I want and what I should be looking for again. Yes it may be my downfall in the end, but I'd rather search my whole life for that "feeling" again, then just be with the person that's there to "take care of" me. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think those of you that are closest to me will understand what I'm saying.

Just a Dream

"Just A Dream"

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hand

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Oh,
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah, Yeah

Been a little while..

Okay so it's been a bit since I wrote and I'm sure Tryn and Em are dying to hear what I have to say (not sure why, LOL). Me and Beau broke up (for good this time, at least for awhile). We are still friends, and have decided we don't work as a couple. Maybe in the future, after being friends, we can build something, but for now, not so much.

I am moving. Yes, I am moving hopefully to an apartment in the Aves about a chocolate factory (assuming all goes smoothly in the next couple days). Ericka will be moving in with me, so it should be good.

My new days off are okay but this week has been stressful so I'm not sure how the weeks will really be once I'm used to them.

I'm going on a much needed vacation to Arizona at the end of May. My brother is graduating from high school as valedictorian. I am very proud because I feel like I had a hand in that being that I raised him for a few years.

So, not too much exciting, just the usual work, trying to sleep, and drama that is my life all the time. I hope all is well with everyone else.

New developments...

So we have hashed it out and laid into each other. We have decided we want this to work if it's possible, therefore we are giving it yet one more chance. I am going to try and be more openly happy and excited in life. It is time. Tryn I know you will be mad so I am sorry. You are a great friend and I know ultimately you will support what I decide to do LOVE YOU! :)

We had an amazing date night last night. We went on a drive through Emigration Canyon (haha saw my old casa w/ Dyl) and up to Park City. It was cool. Then to dinner at Sizzler for some sirloin and scrumptuous salad bar. Then we watched the Avalanche hockey game, they won yay!

Yesterday was my first day into a new me...better outlooks on life and happier times to come.

I love all of you my friends and I hope you realize this even though I am terrible at showing it!

I never told you by Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you