Bad Blogger

Yes, I am a bad blogger. Not only do I not post but I haven't even been reading much lately. So much has been going on too.  The neighbor mentioned in the previous post did claim she forgot.  We got together a few weeks later but then she's also canceled on me a few times with short notice.  I guess if I want to continue the "friendship" I will accept or expect that she's not as invested in pursuing things.

I've also moved. Yes, again. I gave up my view for more space. I was going a little bit crazy in a one bedroom apartment. I found a condo close by (I'm still less than half a mile from the beach) that is two bedrooms and it has a garage.  It also has stairs which my knee doesn't always appreciate but my cats do. They love running up and down the stairs. I also could potentially still fit a longarm quilting machine somewhere into the space, especially since I just moved my bedroom into the smaller room and my sewing room into the master bedroom.  I still find myself really wanting to give starting my own business a go. Even if it's only a part time business. I may have even found a machine. It's an older machine but it's also priced accordingly but heck, they are built to last longer than cars. It would be a good starter machine and I could always trade up later if I got my business off the ground and if not, then I didn't spend so much on it that I can't justify keeping it for my own use. My bankruptcy was paid off in January and finally discharged in May. I'm done with it. Yay!

Emotionally I'm still struggling.  I had went up on my anti depressant about a year and a half ago and then I cut back my dose in December due to not being able to get into a Dr. in a timely manner to get it refilled. Since then I've seen a Dr (who I didn't like at all) but when I tried to go back up on my dose the insomnia hit pretty bad. I'm thinking though that I may have to give it a try anyways though as I'm just struggling so much. I love where I live yet I'm so lacking in energy and so blah that I rarely motivate myself to leave my house on days off.  I'm also so tired of constantly being in pain. I can't say that it's unbearable pain but it is nearly constant.  I did try acupuncture a couple of months ago but at $75 a week it is not really in my budget.  I'm tired of being in pain and having every medical person I see make light of it. I do like for the most part the rheumatologist I've been seeing here.  He doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis however interestingly for the first time ever I now have a positive ANA which does indicate possible an auto-immune issue of some type. It's funny since I've had that tested numerous times before and it's always been negative.

Another factor has been thinking about my mortality. Odd maybe but I had a coworker pass away a couple of weeks ago and it has hit me pretty hard. Partly because even though I didn't know her well she was a great person who I really liked. Plus it made me more aware of my isolation. I found myself wondering what would happen and who would tell my loved ones since I'm very much alone here. I'm guessing that since on my job, apartment and any other paperwork I've filled out I've listed the same two people as contact people that if something did happen they would be contacted. I have discussed my health care wishes with both of these people and have an advanced health care directive listing them as contacts and people to make decisions for me if I'm not able to make decisions for myself but I guess I need to take it a bit further. I think I need to put in writing what all of my wishes would be for myself, my cats and belongings and make sure those two people have copies of it and phone numbers for various people in my life who would need to know.

School is still on hold. That was frustrating and a relief all at once. I just didn't have the cash up front in April to sign up for the next class I needed. Last year that class was offered twice during the years so I wasn't really worried about it, I figured I would take it in September. However this year is of course different. They are only offering it once and I missed it. Oops. So, next year I need to start getting it figured out in like February so I can be ready to take my last three classes and finish this damn degree once and for all.

So that is a very short version of my life lately. 

Overly sensitive?

I know that on occasion I am overly sensitive to various things or that my feelings can be hurt easily. I have a hard time initiating plans with others. It is something I've been working on with my therapist and mostly I know that the voice inside saying people really don't want to be with you is lying or at least deluded. However when I do initiate something and then it doesn't happen I have a hard time quieting that voice or not getting angry.  So here I am tonight, annoyed. 

My neighbor has a couple of times in the past invited me to go for a walk.  Last week she mentioned we should do something on the weekend but I explained I was working, maybe next week.  I'm not sure she understood why I couldn't go for a walk,or something when I wasn't at work although I explained that on days I work, I work and I sleep. Seriously that's about it. So Tuesday I texted her and asked if she wanted to do something this week. She responded with "walk tomorrow" "wine Thursday" I responded with sure, either sounded good or both, she said "great". So last night it was nearly 8pm when she got home which is later than usual. Never texted or anything saying something had come up.  Never said anything today or texted etc. I never heard from her this evening either.  So my thought is if she doesn't have enough respect to at least text and say hey, something came up, it's not going to work, she's not really the type of person I want to make an effort to initiate plans with.  Then I wonder if I'm being to harsh as it's not like they were major plans.  However again it feels like a lack of respect. It wasn't that I was so disappointed we didn't go for a walk. More that if she couldn't follow through on this why would she follow through on something bigger.  Also I would see this differently (at least a bit although I'd still probably be hurt) if this was a close friend I'd known for quite a while. 

Am I being unreasonable in this? I will also admit that there is a part of me that tends to feel like "why bother, people will let me down" and something like this reinforces that however most of the time I'm just fine with my own company and not going crazy with loneliness since I spend a large amount of time on my own. 

Tis The Season

For holiday parties.  In the past I have always loved holiday parties. Lately though I find it difficult to force myself to take part and socialize.  Taking part when you don't know anyone? Sort of like torture. This year there were a couple holiday parties. One is a big corporate thing that I'm told is a dressy event. The other was just a unit event done by the doctors on our unit.  The big dressy event I've pretty much said no thank you. I don't have proper attire for it, I don't love clothes shopping and I spent nearly everything available on the car. The smaller event I did figure it would be good for me to go. It was good to go and to meet people and visit.  The first hour was torture but it did get better and I did notice that a lot of people made an effort to talk to me which was appreciated. It strikes me though that I'm not entirely sure how I went from being a very outgoing social person when I was younger to a very introverted and rather untrusting person I am now. 

All I know is I'm home now in my jammies with kitties on my lap and so much more comfortable. 

Plan B

So. 

I bought a car yesterday. The car. The fruition of my plan B when I gave up TTC. I LOVE it! I'm just so excited although driving home from the dealership I wanted to scream at everyone to back away from the car! Here is my new car. I haven't figured out what her name is yet. 

The plan right now is for Scooby (my older car) to go to my sister.  I'm honestly having a few doubts about that at the moment for various reasons. There is so much happening in her life and so much drama. Also a lot of "I don't know what to believe." So for now I guess I will wait and see. 

I did finally receive another email from my birth mother. She seems nice although maybe a little socially awkward? It's funny the superficial things we seem to have in common. Things like the love of all things bright and colorful. With so many other things in life I'm working to just be present in the now and not have expectations. Not an easy thing but I think I'm getting better at it. 

Otherwise things are good. I'm back to work and my hand is healed up fairly well. Work seems good and while it's always a challenge to change jobs I really like where I'm at and feel like it will be a fabulous experience. 

Worse

Every time I think my relationship with my mom is at rock bottom I found out it can get worse.  I haven't spoke to my mom since 2005. I haven't seen her since she remarried in 2002 which I can truly say was the second worse day of my life, the first being the day my dad died.  The last several years I've see-sawed between numb and anger towards her.  Part of me feels like I grieved the loss of my mom back in 2002.  Occasionally something will come up that makes me feel like I miss having a relationship with her.  I also will still on occasion have dreams about her in which she is usually being horrible to me, screaming at me, name calling, hitting me.  Often though the numbness is more common and has even before left me feeling like there is something wrong with me that her behavior doesn't bother me more. 

I know my sister has been struggling a lot the last year or so with how mom is treating her.  I know my sister has tried to win her over or please her in various manners, some of which I didn't approve but I do understand feeling like you need your mom and trying to win her back. Goodness knows I've tried in the past myself.  My sister told me a while ago that mom had given her all of the old family photo albums.  She expressed concern that something was wrong with mom or that she was dying.  Strangely my first thought was she was removing all the little left over bits of us from her life by getting rid of all the old photos. 

Today my sister called my mom to once again attempt to connect with her and mom confirmed my suspicions.  Mom told my sister she didn't ever want to hear from us again.  That after February she is moving to somewhere we won't be able to contact her.  Mom of course plays the victim and it's all our fault.  Her children which she gave everything for have abandoned her.  My sister admitted that at one point she called mom and told her she wanted to die and that mom hung up on her. Today I guess she brought up the fact that I was suicidal.  Hmmm... Not anymore thanks and I don't see how that is relevant now.  At one point in my life, yes I was.  However when I finally decide to stop letting my mom's opinion validate my self worth and decide to work on not being so focused on making everyone around me happy things improved.  That plus medicating my medical condition (mom never felt I should be taking medication because God of course should be more than enough) and my depression is pretty well managed.  My poor sister begged our mom to be part of her life again and mom basically hung up on her again.

This breaks my heart, mostly for my sister.  I know this is emotionally devastating to her. I'm so angry all I want to do is send my mom a letter telling her exactly how I feel about her right now throwing in a great number of things with the intent of hurting her. I wish I could help my sister see that this says more about mom as a mother than it says about us as daughters.  This has left me feeling irritable and angry all day.  It's just so wrong on so many levels. 

More pictures

So I've had some requests for pictures.  I forget that what I share on FB isn't necessarily seen by my few readers here. So I don't have many as for some reason I haven't been taking many but here are a few I have taken.

This is just down the road from my house, I was walking along the boardwalk in the evening. Interesting tidbit is in Santa Barbara the sun doesn't set over the ocean as we are a south facing beach. So the sun sets behind the Mesa but it still makes for a pretty sunset.

This was taken from the pier the same night. We have a pier with some little beachy shops and several places to eat. Of course you pay for the view but it's still nice once in a while for a treat. 

This was just across from my house. I've seen them landing on the beach a lot lately and actually went over and talked to them about learning to hang glide.

This is Sara looking out the windows in my living room.  I have corner windows which I LOVE! You can also see a bit of what my view is. The ocean is just on the other side of the Palm trees.  There is a baseball field right across the street. However I can sit on my couch and see the ocean which is more than I ever hoped I'd be able to do. 

Here are my three goofy girls hogging my spot on the couch. But not touching.  Sara the white cat is my old lady at 9.5 years. Annabelle the darker Siamese looking one is my jealous middle child. She likes the other two fine until it comes to sharing me with them and then she's a bit of a diva princess. Cleo the calico is my newest baby who is about 6.5 months old. I got her in July and don't know if I've mentioned her here before. Considering how most places in SB say no pets I feel incredibly lucky to have found such a great apartment in such a nice location with three cats. 

Just for fun here's a picture of my multicolored hand. It's doing better since I had it pinned but is still pretty tender. Hoping it's better soon though so I can get back to work.

Since Forever

Yes, I know. I'm a bad blogger. I feel a bit like I've nothing to talk about yet I do have things going on.  I am still typing all this out on my iPad which is driving me a little nuts. I have yet to get myself a laptop. 

For one thing, for the first (and oh please let it be the only) time in my life I broke a bone. I've had many accidents, sprains, bruises, etc but never a broken bone. Two weeks ago I was walking, tripped over a ledge in the side walk and fell. I fractured my 5th metacarpal (hand). Thankfully it's my left so I can still write but I can't work with my hand in a splint. Yeah. This happened one week after I started my new job. So now I'm off work until it heals, no idea when that will be. Last week they went in and pinned it which has been rather uncomfortable. In the meantime I've been bored out of my mind. Sewing is difficult to near impossible and there is only so much to do when you're trying not to spend money since you don't know when you'll next get a paycheck.  Tomorrow I at least get the splint off which will be nice even if they just put another one back on. This is itchy. 

I'm still loving where I'm at. I just feel so at home here. There is so much I love about it. Being able to look at the ocean daily is something I don't think I will ever tire of. I've watched hang gliders and para gliders a lot lately. When I was a child I always wanted to try hang gliding even though my mom told me it was a sin as it took unnecessary risk with your life.  Now I'm thinking I will give it or at least para gliding a try. I've been looking into tandem para gliding and while I need to wait until the timing is better financially I'm definitely planning to do it at least once. Even though the kid I saw land last week looked like he was going to puke or pass out. 

I've heard back from my biological mother several times now. I now have more of a health history than I did before which I find somewhat calming although it will possibly lead to a sooner than planned colonoscopy. We've exchanged some information on likes, dislikes etc. she seems pleasant and happy to "talk" to me. She expressed that she was curious about me. Yet it feels like a detached curiosity. I'm not totally sure what I expected but it wasn't really what I got. I had hoped I suppose for a sense that she was proud of me and how I turned out. I knew that a replacement for the mom I no longer have was expecting too much. Even a fabulous and loving relationship wouldn't make up for my mom abandoning me. I do know that. However it still feels like I'm searching for approval from outside of myself which is frustrating. I think I also was hoping or craving a sense of belonging some where or a sense of family that feels at least partly missing from my life. As far as I know I don't have any siblings. 

I'm sure there is more than these few random things but I can't think of anything else at the moment. Hoping I soon can get back to work both for the paycheck and the interaction with other people. 

Newness

Well, I'm here.  I'm in s@nt@ b@rb@r@.  I've been here a little over a week and while it of course decided to get hot here right after I got here, so far I love it.  Getting out of the lease in my previous place has been a bother but it's done I think.  The manager states he has no plans to sue me and told me to go live my life. 

I'm still feeling a bit like I'm in shock with how fast everything happened.  When I came here in May to interview I had looked at apartments and left fairly discouraged. Many places didn't allow pets and if they did it was a two pet limit and apartments went fast.  I sort of figured I would have to find temporary housing or a sublet and then look more once I had moved down here.  I had also resigned myself to the idea that I would maybe have to live 30 miles south of here where there are more housing options.  Never dreaming I would find something here in town and within walking distance and sight of the ocean. Yet I am. The whole thing came together so remarkably easy that I kept expecting it to fall through right up until I moved in. The owners are ok with all three of my cats and are really very friendly. It is a much smaller space so I'm still struggling some trying to fit everything in but it is working out.  I just feel so incredibly lucky or blessed to have this chance to live my dream. It seems like I've spent so many years hoping and wishing for things that never happened and now the things I've dreamed about are happening. I don't know if I'm explaining that well but I had dreamt about having a place along the beach while always believing it wouldn't happen due to cost and availability.  Now here I am and while I'm not right on the beach, I'm only half a block away. I can see it from my apartment and at night when there isn't as much traffic, I can hear the waves.  So while I find myself trying to downsize further and find new creative storage methods I find myself thinking I never want to leave here.

The front of my apartment (it's a duplex).

The view from my apartment!