May I Have Your Attention

I was just at the library with Emily Joy and came across a book, whose title perfectly wrapped up a train of thoughts I've been having the past few days.  The title of the book is "A perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life". I found it, ironically, in the home organization section, where I often go when I realize I stink at house keeping.   I have to say that book title just warmed my heart and not just because it made me feel better about my un-kept house.  Let me go back a little and say there have been shenanigans in my house.  She-nan-i-gans.  Now, I'm not totally opposed to the shenanigans of my children.  The fact that they test their boundaries and my patience is truly a sign of their brilliance and independence (right?).  But, my home has felt a little like the Thunder Dome lately, to the point that this weekend I had to wonder "WHAT is going on here".  I would like it to go down on my permanent record that I pondered this thought calmly, sitting in my chair with my scriptures on my lap and NOT slamming kitchen cupboards and punt kicking toys out of my kitchen while 2 of my little angels sat in time out (I think we all know what really went down).  Anyways, while pondering the aforementioned chaos it occurred to me how rarely my children have my full attention.  I have so much to do and so little time, so I am nearly always doing at least 2 things at once: Fixing dinner/working on homework; cleaning/returning calls; putting laundry away/putting kids to bed etc. etc.  and usually all the while I have one or more children talking to me.  I realized that I am usually so distracted doing My Stuff that I'm listening to my kids out of one ear, mmming and uh-huhing when appropriate.  I'm not really hearing them or seeing them.  And, being brilliant, my children have realized that if they pull the closet door completely off, or actually try to strangle a sibling, or say a naughty word they have my total undivided attention- immediately.  What if, when they started talking to me, I just stopped what I was doing and listened, not superficially, but deeply.  Would we finally accomplish that much singed about "Love At Home"  if they weren't fighting for full attention and sincere validation?  I'm seeing how distracted I am 90% of the time and realizing that not only is my distraction making my attention seem precious and in short supply, but I am missing the tiny details of of their lives.  So, here's to letting go of the list a little and not misspending my life.  I get one chance to raise these kids.  Please don't be appalled by the clutter when you come over. 

Good Stuff

Emily Joy. She's 12.  This daughter of mine, that came in to this world chubby, red and screaming is now tall, soft-spoken and beautiful.  She used to be afraid of Grover, and now she is afraid of nothing (except library closure).  Her little baby foot was so tiny and slender that I couldn't find shoes small enough to stay on her feet.  Now when we go shoe shopping she tries on the tallest stilettos she can find "for fun" and I try not to be disturbed by the fact that she looks like a tiny woman.  This is all very bizarre and I can never feel just one thing about Emily's growing up.  Happy and sad; worried and proud; excited and nostalgic.  She went to Young Woman's for the first time today and loved it and I love that she loved it.  I love the women in that program for giving of themselves and their time to help my daughter navigate through the crazies time of her life.  To help Joel and I keep the candle that is the gospel, lit, to guide her on her way. You're on your way Joy, and we love you.

On a less blubbering mother note, we just got back from the world famous Lake Powell and it did not disappoint.  Well, actually it kind of did the first night because IT WAS FREEZING.  Sunday night was cold and the wind was literally howling outside of the houseboat.  We usually all want to sleep on top of the houseboat, under the stars.  This time we all wanted to go the the Holiday Inn Express.  We toughed it out (well, I didn't - I slept inside because Linc couldn't sleep in the wind with his allergies and because I am such a caring mother I slept right by his side - haha- mostly I wussed out.  Sorry Joel).   Fortunately, after that first night, the weather was amazing.  Sunny and warm, but not hot enough to turn you hostile.
As an added side note I might add that after some choice experiences with Lake Powell heat induced anger, I have developed a theory that the mean people in the middle east would be far less contentious if a nice brisk autumn came their way.  I just sayin.  Back on track we really had a great time.  The older kids all water-skiied and looked awesome.  It is so hard to learn to ski and really not fun and it is always at this time that I quote Tiger Mom to my kids: "Nothing is fun until you're good at it".  They invariably cry and scream while trying to get up, but when we ask them their favorite part of Lake Powell they always answer "When I skiied/surfed/slalomed".  Why have these kids always gotta to be proving me right?  Speaking of crying, we dragged Linc on the boom for the first time.  We consider that good water skiing prep as it gets you used to the sensation of water shooting up your nose and also what it's like if you forget to let go of the rope when you wipe out.  Good times.
When I was a teenager if someone asked me where I would go if I could go anywhere in the world, I would say "Lake Powell".  And they would say "Really?  Not Paris or Rome" and I would say "Nope, Lake Powell".  Now when people ask me that I say "Spain" because now that I've actually been to Europe I know that it is awesome.  But Lake Powell remains a favorite spot, a personal and family happy place.

I Can Do Hard Things

Saturday Joel, Gretchen, Melissa, Sherri and I ran 26.2 miles. Why did we do this this thing?  This is question we are asked either directly or implicitly all the time.  We did it because it is defining.  When you commit to do something you should actually not be able to physically do, something inside your mind shifts.  When in training, you complete every work out, whether you feel like doing it or not, something in your spirit shifts.  The boundaries you have placed around what is possible for you and what is not start to fade and you begin to sense the strength God has sewn into your soul.
 
As I was running the last mile of this marathon I was struck with a sense of the greatness of all of the runners around me.  Not being a fast runner, the group I finished with were not the elite athletes.  They were the regular people who accepted the challenge, who wanted to try to do a hard thing.  Everyone around me was completely exhausted.  About 80% were walking, nobody was talking.  I knew that most of their bodies, like mine, had totally given out and the main thing that was moving them forward was the will to finish.  Something in my spirit responded to their courage and urged me onward to finish.  That, is why I did this thing.  Thanks a million to my running amigos.  I love you guys!

I am also proud of my kids this week.  They have all shown themselves to be great in the ways that are important to be great, in their own ways.

• Emily: Last night Felicity was suffering severe stomach pain and Emily Joy gathered all of her favorite books and came and sat with Felicity and read to her until she felt better. I was so touched by Em's compassion and love her sweet nature.
• Felicity:  Last week in gymnastics, Felicity fell on her face while executing a trick and was sent to to corner to do cartwheels for her punishment (her coach would've loved to be a part of communist Russian athletics).  But that girl will not give up and will not let the hard knocks get her down for long. Love that about her.
• Brandon:  This week Joel put up a basketball hoop.  The kids have loved it, and every day Brandon has spent hours out back, practicing his dribbling and shooting.  I love how hard he is working to learn a new skill and do something hard.
• Lincoln:  Linc gave his first talk in primary yesterday.  While he was waiting for his turn he was winking at us and giving us the thumbs up, so he had us all giggling.  He did an awesome job on his talk.  He spoke loud and clear and threw in a little Lincoln dramatic effect to keep things interesting.  He did such a great job that when he was done the Primary kids broke out in applause.  So, maybe we didn't help with the reverence in sharing time, but we love that Linc, just being his funny little self, brought smiles to all of our faces.

 

"but I will be an Ironman..."

Last year I started training with a group of several men from my local gym that became know as "Ironman Team SoJo". Difficult to explain where the desire to participate in an endurance event like this comes, but the idea for me sprung out of a motivational young men's devotional a guy in my neighborhood gave when I was 14 or so. Turning 37 this year I felt like the clock was ticking and every year would be that much harder. Picking up my bike and cycling 3 years ago, finally working through my knee surgery and running issues, and having a support group to keep motivated, it seemed like this might be my best chance of actually finishing. Most importantly Sunny gave me a thumbs up knowing that I would be committing to 2 hours of training or more a day and it would be a sacrifice for her and the kids.

Training began with building to a base of 13 mile runs, 50 mile bike rides, and getting swimming training for Christmas courtesy of Sunny. The final 13 weeks our "SoJo" group each logged 142 hours total, made up of 37hrs (67 miles) swimming, 62hrs (1,240miles) biking and 43hrs (301miles) running.

Race day the conditions appeared to be ideal with a high of 82 degrees in the forecast and 8 mph winds. We started our swim at 7 am an

d as we headed south I felt like my swim training had prepared me for a respectable swim leg. As we approached the first buoy about 1/4 mile into the swim it felt like the boats were getting to close as large swells began to push up and down. As we rounded the buoy and turned back into the wind it became clear immediately that weather had taken a turn for the worse.

To quote from the SL Tribune, "That was a day out there, let me tell you," "The swim, I thought I was going to end up on an episode of ‘Lost.’ … I felt like I was in a washing machine."Oh, the 2.4-mile swim, which Ironman chief marketing officer Eric Vervloet said "would have been a no-go" if the giant, 4- and 5-foot swells, waves and whitecaps had kicked up 15 minutes earlier than they did.

At one point my swim goggles were kicked free by a competitor and as I stopped to adjust them I drifted back the other direction. As I reviewed the maps of swim from my GPS watch you can see where this brief stop swept me back in the other direction. Unfortunately as I struggled to make any progress possible during this stretch of the swim I had to result to breast stroke at times as the breaking waves made it difficult to get into any kind of rhythm. I confess during this difficult stretch I looked at my time at 1:20 into the swim and I worried that I would not make the cut off time of 2:20 required during the swim portion of the race. Kayaks were turned over, boats were pulling out swimmers, but I resolved that even if I did not make the swim cut I would do my best and finish. Finally as I approached the island and stood up briefly on a rock I could see the finish was within my grasp. As I rounded the final buoy the wind was as at my back and quickly finished the final 2.4 miles coming out at 1:47. Disappointed in not reaching my target time of 1:20 but grateful for the opportunity to continue the race.

As I raced up the ramp volunteers stripped me of my wet suit and I head for transition 1 where I immediately drank and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich having burned more calories than I had planned for in my nutrition plan. Having suited up for the 112 mile cycling leg, I was slathered in sun screen by helpful volunteers and rode out with cheers from my local team families including Sunny and sister Sherri.

As I made way about 30 miles from Sand Hollow Reservoir to Saint George the course turns up hill through Ivins city toward Gun Lock Reservoir. As the course turned North, it was disappointing to realize the most difficult part of the course would continue into the winds that were reported up to 40 mph.

Ben Hoffman the winner of the event reported: "This was the hardest race I've ever done." "That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life," said Hoffman, most likely echoing the thoughts of the entire field. "Hands down." "It was chaos out there," Hoffman said, celebrating his second full Ironman win, having captured a crown on an easier course at Lake Placid, N.Y. The wind blew him off the road at one point during the 112-mile bike ride, he said.

My personal low point on the cycling portion was a mile before "The Wall" which is one of steepest portions where my front tire went flat. It was the only time I stepped of my bike and it was frustrating to watch people pass me as I struggled to change my tire. I drank at least 2 water bottles every hour and religiously stuck to my electrolyte and food plan. I had also committed to myself that no matter what I would eat 300 calories an hour during bike and this proved extremely difficult as my stomach never recovered from the chaotic swim. Most participants burn up to 8000 calories during the race, so the biggest mistake for a racer is to fall behind on food consumption which under the race conditions you can't recover from. As I finished the final loop of the bike course I enjoyed a downhill section where I was able to load up on food and Ibuprofen at speeds up to 49 mph. As I entered Tabernacle street at transition 2, I was again greeted by team supporters and Sunny's cheers feeling fairly strong considering I had been racing for 9 hours so far.

During my run transition I chose to change into shorts and sports briefs (which came in handy later in the race), and downed 3 GU's and a water bottle. Shaking off the muscle fatigue as my legs transitioned from bike to run I picked up my pace and started my first 8 miles within my goal pace of around 9 mph. The run course weaved back and forth through the streets of Saint George and allowed me to see 8 of the 14 men I had been training with. This created a boost for all of us as we struggled but encouraged each other as we would pass on opposite sides of the street. The first 13 miles as I ran consistent and strong I was surprised to catch runners who I knew could run circles around me in normal running conditions.

Clearly the previous legs had taken there toll on all of us. The last 13 miles became more difficult each mile as my stomach and GI tract turned on me and eventually I was unable to hold down any food. This is a common challenge for endurance participants and as you do the caloric math the clock was ticking as my body was burning the remaining energy without anything coming in to replenish. With around 8 miles left in the race I ran side by side with Shane, a 2 time Boston Marathon qualifier and 17 Marathon finisher. As we discussed locations of each of our buddies we determined that we had only Taylor the 28 year old "Adonis" in front of us. This was encouraging despite the intestinal discomfort, muscle fatigue, and nausea. I was determined to run in side by side sharing the number two spot.

My final low point was at mile 24 where my bowels betrayed me and I told Shane I was a goner and had to retire to the portapotty to discard my sports briefs and clean up the best I could under the circumstances. I finished the last 2 miles gingerly at a final course time of 13 hours 47 minutes.

This was well short of my goal but I was reassured later when I found that 29% of the racers who began the race did not finish which was the highest reported ever in an Ironman event (previous 19% also in Saint George). The announcer of the Ironman reported that he has called 105 Ironman events, and never called in a winner with a slower finish than the 2012 Saint George Ironman. Clearly not what I had signed up for, but content that I had finished.

This is is the race highlight video from the award ceremony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LDTI3yhluM

Story about a couple of the guys in our group who overcame testicular cancer and a broken back:

http://m.ksl.com/index/story/sid/20275479

Brandon's Baptism

I have found that I forget most of what happens in my life and that my memories are simply a collection of bright moments. A sight that I will never forget is Brandon's eyes on the day of his recent baptism. They were so bright and so serious. I watched him throughout the entire ordinance and his eyes were completely intent on every detail of what was happening around him. I could feel him absorbing all of it, and how much it all meant to him. And words cannot describe how much it meant to Joel and I.

Brandon is an amazing kid and is a spiritual giant. During his baptism there was a spirit in the room that I literally just basked in. It was truly a wonderful day, but I think my favorite moment was Brandon's ginormous breath right before he went under the water. Love that kid.

Bizarro Christmas

This Christmas shall go down in Mills Family History as the least Christmas-y Christmas thus far, and believe you me, I have been complaining about it to whoever will listen. The combination of the absolute lack of any snow, the kids going to school til 2 days before Christmas, and the tornado of cold and flu that ripped through our family before and during Christmas really robbed it of much of its luster. Here we are, 3 weeks before Christmas, completely unaware that this was the last of our Christmas fun. I started to feel a little melancholy about all of this until I started counting those blessings. So, here is my list of Bizarro Christmas Blessings:

• We had presents to give our kids.
• Even though were puking in symphony, we were together.
• Due to the aforementioned puking, I didn't eat my body weight in Christmas candy.
  
• The entertainment of Lincoln crying in terror whenever we told him Santa was "watching" him.
• Sherri moved here, and I got to go on a 2.5 day road trip with her.
  
• Got to see Troy and Priscilla and their kids.
• Grandma B got a puppy for Christmas and the kids are in love.
  
• Nobody was actually puking Christmas morning.
• Feeling prompted to get all of the presents wrapped and ready to go early (which I NEVER do) and coming down with the stomach flu a few hours after finishing.
• From Felicity: We actually got Christmas cards out this year (that was pretty miraculous).
  

It is so good to count blessings because when you line up your complaints, and then you line up your blessings - blessings win - every time.

Fieldtrip-o-rama

This year I have done the field trip tour. I have gone on a field trip with each of my school age children- an activity I have studiously avoided in the past. This came to pass because the way it works when you have multiple children is that if you do something out of the ordinary for one child the unalterable rules of parental fairness state the you must do the exact same for each of your children. So if you have 4 kids, you need to multiply whatever time, effort, money etc. you spend on one child for whatever reason by 4. I have got myself into many a pickle by not crunching the numbers before I did something like, buying the kid who happened to be with me at Barnes and Noble a book on a whim (I cannot get out of that store without buying something - I have a little problem with books). You think you are buying 1 book, which is a little extravagant but not going to break the bank. However, according to the mathematical equation previously stated, you are really buying 4 books and now your family must eat beans for a week.
So, I signed up for one field trip last year, and as of now I have been on 4. Now that I've been on all of these field trips, I have learned that I was right in avoiding them, but I was also missing out. If you think chaperoning a group of elementary children for a 5 hour outing is easy, then you are made of tougher stuff than me. I live in constant dread of losing one of them and there is always that kid in your group. You know the one. The one that jumps off a moving train and tries to climb up on the roof of a 130 year old pioneer house (all true events by the way). But, what I was missing out on was seeing my amazing kids in action and getting to spend the day with them. Last fall I went to Biz Town with Emily and got to see her run a simulated community and realize that she is going to take over the world someday. Last month I went to the Bean Museum with Brandon and got to hold hands with him for hours as we explored the amazing world of taxidermy (?). It is a little weird there, but mostly cool. The kids get a way closer look at the animals than they do at the zoo and just love it. And yesterday I got to go to This Is The Place Heritage Park with Felicity and have a pioneer experience. Felicity was my little amigo. She was great company- I love her funny observations.
I do have to tease you a little here Felicity. You should have seen your face during the square dancing when you had to partner with boys. Your face looked like you had just stepped in dog poop and smelled the bottom of your shoe. Your anti-boy campaign has been impressive and long-lived. You are unwavering in your disdain for all boys unrelated to you. Your dad and I pray that you will feel exactly this way until you are 21. We have our reasons.
I took so pics because I wanted to always remember what it was like spending the day with my 9 year old Felicity. And also, I happened to remember my camera.
Here is Felicity pulling a handcart with her friend Amelia. I really wanted to sit in it and make them pull me around the park for the day. No luck there.


Here is Felicity learning to do laundry the pioneer way. Can you tell I was loving having her take a crack at all of the pioneer chores. It kind of puts our "Saturday work day" in perspective.




So, what it comes down to is this. These field trips were frankly exhausting. But the time with my kids, seeing how they conduct themselves outside of our home, spending that time with them - absolutely priceless.