Who's playing God This Time?

Testing, testing 123...... Mom's House

It's been years since I posted a blog. Life kind of got crazy somewhere around 2014 and since then life  hasn't ceased its trial of me.  2010 was a particularly hellish year and every year since has only escalated in the quiet hell I endure.  Speaking out doesn't help, changes nothing, telling family and friends the truth about certain things (I won't go into here) only leads me to a solid wall of lies, nothing more.  

Wasn't there a rule somewhere that if you treat people with kindness, dignity, and good favor that you would get the same in return? Like isn't there a few scriptures somewhere that say, (I'm paraphrasing) "God doesn't judge, nor is god a respecter of persons and god loves those who serve him, above all others.'.  That's what the scriptures of my youth taught me, so why when I went looking for THAT guy was he was no where to be found.  Instead I found an angry, controlling, insecure little man with a remote control and too much power for everyone's own good.

Where the fuck is the God of Love everyone is always going on about?

Love is NOT coercive control

Love is NOT manipulation in the face of the chosen life of another

Love does NOT steal

Love does NOT hit you "because they love you" (gross)

Love does NOT "try you" (it comforts instead in the face of the trial)

and above all, Love DOES NOT LIE TO YOU when you ask for the truth!

As painful as it is to find out Santa Claus isn't real at nine years old, it is a far greater pain to know that your parents are not only capable but fully willing to lie to you about life as they know it.  I didn't want that for my kids, I wanted them to know the truths as I knew them to be.  After Gabby asked about Santa Clause at nine years old, I had to tell her the truth, I said "sweetie, it's Mom and Dad who play Santa for you" and effectively crushed the hope/belief system of my nine year old who is now happily agnostic. That was never my intent.

It wasn't her fault that I perpetuated a lie I couldn't prove, it was "tradition" after all and it also wasn't her fault she believed in the magic I made with the lie, she was a child who believed in children's things. I didn't want to strip her of her childlike wonder and trust but I also knew that she would be facing a world of lies and at the time I wanted her to know what truth sounded like from the voice of her Mom. I was a new Mom and above believing in the lie I wanted her to know she could trust ME, her Mother, to tell her the truth.  Paramount was that desire in me and always will be.  When my kids come to me with questions for me, they will only ever get the truth as I know it at the time.

As for the God of Truth, Beauty, Love, Fidelity and Wisdom, She's easy to find.  Just look for those things, and there She is!

Tooting Her Horn For Her

If you keep up with my family on Facebook, then you know we've had some big changes in our lives these last several months.  Our oldest daughter and sister, became a "Sister" of another sort and is now serving in the Arizona Phoenix Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She is loving the area and the people she serves with.  She has loved both of her companions thus far and is looking forward to her time there.  While we at home practically live for Monday's, the one day of the week that she gets to check her email and write home

Gabby and her "sisters" at the MTC

 Here on the home front our Courtney (aka KiKi) has made some big and positive changes in her lifestyle! After much study (mostly on Pinterest) about health and nutrition she set a goal to lose fifty pounds by the end of this year.  Six months in and she is down by 60 lbs!  I would say Mission Accomplished!

Courtney "before" far right
 May 2012

And "After"!  Down 60 pounds June 2013

I am so proud of my Kiki (who has always been beautiful to me)!  As anyone who has tried to lose weight knows, it isn't an easy thing to do!  So many people have asked me, "what is she doing?" .  A few of the well intention-ed worriers, worried that she wasn't eating healthy, that she wasn't eating enough.  They asked if she was bulimic, anorexic or any of the other typical problems that come with teenagers losing weight.  I've had to reassure countless teachers and relatives that she is indeed doing this the "right" way.  In fact, I have learned a few things from Courtney's weight loss journey that I hadn't considered before.  Let me share with you a few of the things she's done differently:

• She studies health and nutrition (she is now a label Nazi!  She knows how to read labels what's good for you and what isn't) and she puts that knowledge to use in real life. Knowledge is definitely power!
• Food is a priority!  She has always loved food, but she now loves foods that mostly come in green and the bright colors of fruits and vegetables.  Whenever I try to lose weight I always dread thinking about food.  But Courtney loves planning her meals.  She takes the time to think about what is going into her body and only puts food that will fuel it instead of weighing down.  In fact, she can't sleep in past seven in the morning anymore because she has so much energy.
• She loves moving her body.  For her birthday she requested that we go for a hike as a family and she excercises regularly. 
• No fast food, soda, or sugars for this girl.  Whenever she would receive cookies and candy from friends or teachers for holidays (easter, valentines day) she would bring the treats home and give them to her family
• She's always finding new recipes for me to make. Which is so helpful to me because I make a menu once a week, and finding new things to make is always a little overwhelming.

She has been such an inspiration to me these last few months.  I have admired her determination in achieving her goal, especially in the face of family and friends who offer her "just a little bite" or "just this once".  

I am so unbelievably blown away by these two daughters of mine and the choices that they have made to better themselves, and in the process touch the lives of others.  I don't know what I did in my previous life to deserve these children of mine but I try not to question my good fortune and just enjoy them instead.

That goes for these two as well!

 

She's Going to Be Amazing!

I'm not one of those moms who can pat her hurting child on the back and say: 

"Buck up!  You'll be fine!"

Not me.  Instead, you'll find me crying great big crocodile tears right along side them,  hoping and wishing that somehow I could carry the hurt.  So when Gabby's eyes welled up with tears when we were ready to leave her behind at her new college home yesterday my heart cracked wide open.  Standing on the porch, waving goodbye, she looked so small....and scared.  My Gabby who broke out in hives the night before she started kindergarten, who hates change, who would live at home forever gave me second thoughts about the cruel, albeit true, sentiment "this is for the best".

Logically I know, she'll do fine.  She picks up where she's at and she makes the best of everything that comes her way.  She tries hard to do what is right.  Her bubbly personality is infectious and sure to garner her many new friends.  In fact when I was on my knees last night pleading with Father in Heaven for her comfort, her safety, her peace, I was shown a picture in my mind of Gabby in her new school, standing outside the interior design room laughing with friends.  The light in her eyes that was missing last night was back and she was happy.  What a tender mercy!  She will be fine.... I will be fine.

Some pictures from yesterday

A gift from the underclassmen on her Basketball team last year.

Unpacking with Courtney

Larry can't find anymore floor space to put her shoe rack at the moment

Gabby's cute little corner

I don't think Ally realized I would be posting this to my blog when she pulled out the cheesy face

All set up

Right after I told her it was time for us to go.....tell me that face doesn't break your heart

Hugging Dad goodbye

Tear stains on her cheeks (Courtney secretly plotting where the bed is going to go in her "new" room)

Even within the hour and a half that it's taken me to work on this post I feel better.  Larry came home for lunch and we talked about how fast time goes by.   We talked about the need to look ahead and not behind.  But mostly we are just grateful for our little family and the gift they are to us.  Gabby called and sounded so excited.  She said that she is going to "man up and do this college thing".  She's always been pretty tenacious.  She's going to be better than fine....she's going to be amazing!

I Stay Busy

Now that the kids are back in school things have slowed down quite a bit for me during the days.

I still have a house to clean, along with mountains of laundry. But the lovely thing is, once it's clean, it stays clean  (until four o clock in the afternoon).

During my spare time (which is still very spare)  I have started quilting.  I'm not terribly crafty, but quilting appeals to my analytical side.    I put together two smaller projects that gave me the confidence to progress to larger sizes.  Since Gabby is moving on to college in just a few days I wanted her to have a piece of home to take with her.  She and I went shopping and picked out some happy fabrics to make into a twin size quilt.  The front is pieced with sunflower yellow, khaki, grey and black.  The back in made of a soft minky grey and feels divine to the touch.  Below is the finished product....

Gabby's finished quilt

A close up of some of the fabrics and the super soft back.

I'm super thrilled with the results.  The pictures truly don't do it justice.  Now that I have a feel for it, I've got a few more projects in mind.

Catching Up

I've been remiss.

Summer has really raced by.

We spent most days swimming,

reading,

watching movies,

shopping, 

and relaxing.

The Blog has been neglected.

Things I failed to blog....

Braden's Birthday

Girls Camp

Our 19th Anniversary

School starts tomorrow.  

I'm going to have to be better at blogging.

Until then....here is a peak at  Braden's 7th Birthday Party.

See you soon!

Hero's, Fairy Tales, and Another Year Older

One fall day eleven years ago Courtney jumped off the school bus eager to share every detail of her first kindergarten field trip with me.  They'd gone to the pumpkin patch that day.  She told about the tiny horse in the petting zoo, the baby goats, and the tractor ride out to the patch. She told me the heart wrenching story of one little boy who tripped off the bottom step of the school bus on his way out.  She said he fell flat on his face and that everyone in the class laughed at the poor little boy.  Everyone that is except Courtney.  Courtney my concerned child, the one who can't pass a kitten without holding it, a baby without patting it, an elderly person without tender thoughts jumped down from the school bus and helped the boy to his feet. 

It didn't occur to me to question her story, it seemed very like her to do such a thing, until two days later when I mentioned the event to her Kindergarten teacher.  Her teacher said that no such thing had happened, that their field trip had been accident and incident free.  Later when I questioned Courtney about it she eventually owned to the truth. 

I had a good chuckle at the imagination of my second oldest and learned a little something about her too.  I learned that much like me at that age, Courtney is the hero in her own fairy tale.  All good things come to her because she imagines, dreams and wishes it so.  She sees the world through rose colored glasses, all being lovely and acceptable in her eyes. 

A few weeks ago while pushing a two hundred (at least) pound shopping cart at Costco, Courtney leaned over and said "Mom, let me push it, it's getting too heavy for you." I gratefully relinquished the cart and finished the shopping.  

Thinking back on the two incidents, the story about the boy and the shopping cart, I realized that  Courtney's hallmark concern makes it hard for her to walk away from a need, and while she has always been the hero in her own story, she is quickly becoming a hero in mine!

Thank  you for all that you do my sweet Courtney.  I love you!!

Happy Sweet 16!!

Graduation Day

When Gabby was a tiny little baby, I remember watching her and wondering.  What will her voice sound like when she finally talks, how tall will she be, how will she look full grown?   I wondered so many things about the tiny new person in my life....who was she?  What will life be like when she goes to Kindergarten, Jr High, High School?  Back then the future was some far distant  roadside attraction; it was on the map and I knew that someday we'd get there, but I guess I didn't realize how quickly the journey would go.  

Today, thinking back to my tiny little newborn baby girl, all of my questions are answered.  Her voice is a little on the low side, but not so low that she can't sing a few notes of soprano, she is five feet seven inches tall, and full grown she is gorgeous, inside and out.  I have spent the last eighteen years getting to know my darling daughter, and I like what I see.  The years between kindergarten and High School were pretty much a blur, gone so quickly that I wonder, how did it happen so fast?

I couldn't cry at her High School Graduation today, perhaps, because I was so stunned that this was actually happening and because I am thrilled beyond words for her.  I am  excited for the opportunities that await her.  I am proud beyond measure that the little person who started out in my arms is getting ready to test her wings and start her own adventure.  Look out world, you're about to be very lucky!

Gabby and Bo

With her Diploma

If that's not a happy face, I don't know what is

Gabby and her Kiki

Dad, Gabby, Mom and Courtney.  Ally and Braden didn't get in the shot.

This entire weekend, while Larry and I were preparing the house, the lawn, the decorations and the food for Gabby's graduation party, I couldn't help but think how the "nay-sayers" gave us "six months" when we first got married.  Before we really even got started they had doomed us to failure.  Watching Gabby graduate this afternoon, I realized that while she was the one recieving the honors, Larry and I were busy proving all of those "nay-sayers" wrong.  We watched a daughter graduate from high school today and we earned our own diploma of sorts, the one that's titled

"WE DID IT!"

High Five Honey!!!

And Then She Turned Twelve

I look at Ally lately and realize just how grown up she has become.  Gone are the adorable chubby cheeks of childhood, replaced with the slimmer face of youth.  Of course she will always have a somewhat squishy face, she gets that from me, but I can definitely see the beginnings of a young woman emerging.   Also emerging are the compassion of a mother, the protective nature of a she lion, and the soul of a musician.  I wrote in my journal  a few months ago about Ally;

Ally will forever be my "spitfire".  She is stubborn and fierce....

she is persistent and fights for the things that she wants 

and for what she knows is right.  

All good qualities that will be tempered and refined 

with maturity and experience. 

 She is beautiful just like her sisters

 and has the sweetest happiest laugh.

I know it's taken me a few weeks but I just wanted to wish Ally a Happy Birthday, blogger style.

Congratulations on turning twelve darlin....those birthday's are hard work!  Keep it up!

Growing Up

We've been working really hard these past few weeks, getting graduation announcements ready to send, getting the house ready for family and friends who will surely come to visit after the event on the big day, checking out college campuses, filing applications, getting accepted and preparing to send my oldest child into the world.

On a tuesday,  in the middle of all of the preparations, Gabby turned eighteen years old.

As I was applying my  makeup this morning I noticed that I somehow look older.   No, there aren't any wrinkles added to the ones I currently have.  The gray hair is beautifully covered every six weeks thanks to a bottle of color in any hue I choose.  No new signs of aging, but for very pointed reasons I look a little older.  I know things now, things I didn't know a few days ago, the knowledge of which does shine in my eyes.  I know that in a very short time I will be sending my firstborn out into the world.  All of the care, and teaching, loving and learning has manifested itself in the form of one very beautiful young woman.  She is what every mother hopes her daughter turns out to be, kind, studious, thoughtful and mature.

 In the middle of all that is life and one day when I wasn't looking, Gabby grew up.

And, somewhere along the way....I did too.

Snow Buddies

Braden finally got tired of begging his sisters to go out and play.

He decided that if no one else would play with him,

he would make his own friend....all by himself.

Introducing: Snow Buddy

 

He's good for all sorts of fun....until the sun comes out.

Handsome little guy, eh?

Are you looking for a new friend?  Someone to listen, play with, laugh with and love?

You can make your own friend...snow is a great friend building material.

Paper works too!