Mother's Day

Of course I have to post something about Mother's Day, right?  I promise there is no mean snark in this one, just honest and sincere thoughts.

This is without question the hardest day of the year for me.  I know I am not alone in this, nor will I write anything groundbreaking.  I often skip church, but now that I am interpreting, I needed to go.  Plus, as my disposition has improved over the years I have been making the effort to at least attend sacrament meeting.  The sister I interpret for was not there, but I decided to stay as long as I could.

Sacrament meeting itself was fine.  The talks were on virtue, keeping Christ in our homes, and enduring adversity.  Nothing specifically on motherhood, so I was fine.  And then came the dreaded "gift for mothers" at the end.  This always causes me great pain.  I know that no one begrudges me a gift (in this case, chocolates), but I feel like an impostor accepting it.

In this case, it was even worse than usual.  I was sitting in a corner and not easily noticed.  The brother passing out the chocolates to those in our row I'm sure didn't see me, and so I was skipped.  I know him personally and I know he would NEVER do anything like that intentionally.  The oversight was later corrected, but the damage was done.  I came unglued, and ran away to home.  Maybe next year I'll make it for 2 hours.  Baby steps.

Finally, I can already hear all the protests coming in the comments.  I heard them today at church.  I have heard them my entire married life, and I will continue to hear them every year until we have children of our own (if that is in the cards).  "You can be a mother to the ward."  "You can help children in less-than-good homes."  "You are a teacher."  "You touch children's lives whether they are your own or not."  Here is the fact:  they are not mine, and that makes all the difference in the world.  I know everyone who says that means it well and is trying to be comforting.  I appreciate the effort.  I even know it is truth and the way my Heavenly Father would like me to see myself.  The problem is, I don't.  And that can make it even worse, because then I feel guilty for not having eternal perspective.  Guilt plus grief...that is why I hate this day.

Tomorrow I will probably be just fine.  There is no reason to feel sorry for me or even upset that you do not know the words to say that will comfort me.  There probably aren't any.  If there are, I don't even know them.  That is grief.  I have good days, and I have bad days.  Gratefully, I now have more good than bad, and I just hold on to the fact that I know once the week gets going again I will be too busy for depression and it will subside again.  And for today, I will marathon episodes of The Cosby Show and laugh at good, clean humor.

Final Adoption Post...At Least For a Time

It's old news by now, but our home study has been officially closed.  DFCS called me in late April saying they had made a decision and that we needed to meet to discuss it.  I knew then it wouldn't be good news.  I am a pessimist, so I'm not saying I received any special inspiration or intuition.  But I knew it.  And Nathan did too.

They of course made their decision immediately after Nathan had left for a TDY at Shaw AFB.  This meant I would have to attend the meeting alone.  When I went to my good friend Heather's house to chat, she kindly offered to go with me even though her plate is VERY full.  She is an excellent advocate.  She has learned to be as she has children with special needs.  So I jumped on the offer as I needed support and someone there who is good at asking questions, as I am decidedly not.  I have a tendency to be slow to process and overly accepting of those who I perceive to be authority figures.

At the meeting, I was told our home study would remain closed.  The reason was the issues brought up in our records from the counseling we had 5 years ago had not, in their estimation, been addressed and resolved.  The problem with this was we were NEVER told what was in those records.  Remember the e-mail I sent asking what exactly DFCS wanted from us?  The one that was never replied to?  Yeah.  We discussed with our counselor the issue we thought they wanted discussed, and he judged us to be fit parents.  Nathan talked with our case worker and she told him word for word what she wanted in a letter from Dr. Kennedy.  We passed that along to Dr. Kennedy, and he sent them that letter.  In all this process, we were never told there were other things in our records that we had forgotten about since it was FIVE YEARS ago.  So unless we get more counseling for an extended length of time, adopting from DFCS here in Georgia is a no-go.

We could do what they ask and get more counseling.  The thing is, neither of us wants to.  And, more importantly, I do not want to have any further dealings with the women in that office.  The entire process has been a case study in unprofessional and communication break down.  If we were to adopt, we would be foster parents of the child for at least 6 months while we make sure it is a good fit and the legalities are dealt with.  And as foster parents, DFCS would become an intimate part of our lives.  I will not have that.  I can not do that.  Here are two more reasons why beyond the abysmal communication.

There were 2 women from DFCS at that meeting.  One was the case worker, and one was her supervisor.  Both have the same name, so for story-telling sake I will refer to them as CW (case worker) and S (supervisor).  Before the meeting started, CW had to get some paperwork, so I talked with S.  She mentioned I looked a little anxious.  I said yes, I was.  This was an important meeting, and I wasn't given much information over the phone.  Then I had to wait 2 weeks for the meeting itself where all I had to do was think about the meeting.  On top of that, it was going to be a life-changing meeting either way...good news or bad news I was nervous.  I believe that if I wasn't, that would make me a cold, unfeeling person.  Well, later on in the meeting S said she was concerned I had an anxiety problem and would not be a good parent to a traumatized child.

Second reason.  Heather offered to come and be my advocate.  That meant her role was to ask the questions I would not think to ask while dealing with all my emotions.  She was excellent.  She asked a ton of questions and made sure she understood exactly what was going on so she could help me as best as possible.  I had tried to tell Heather everything prior to the meeting, but understandably there were some gaps, so when she was missing something or thought I would be missing something, she made sure to ask.  Many times I already knew the answer even if she didn't, but not always.  She truly was, and still is, a blessing in my life.  In the middle of this, S said she was concerned I wasn't asking any questions.  She said she was worried I wouldn't be a good advocate for a traumatized child if I couldn't ask questions.  Now, a big part of that was because I understood everything they were telling me, even if I didn't agree with it.  But other times it was because I simply am not good at thinking of questions to ask when I am in the moment.  My questions tend to come later, often the next day, after I have had time to process and sleep on it.  But apparently that makes me unfit to parent a child from the foster system in their eyes.

So, yes, I hate DFCS and have absolutely zero desire to have any further dealings with them.  For the time being, I am going back to full time work as a signing classroom aide.  I hope to get my educational interpreting certification in the next year.  I will be saving every penny I make in the event Nathan and I decide to go a more expensive route to adoption, but we truly do not know what is next for us.

**And a note on my previous post.  I know it was snarky, and I must have offended someone as there was quite a hurtful comment left for me.  I usually put disclaimers on posts like that, but I thought they were getting tedious so I left it off.  I guess I needed it.  Just so we are clear:  I do not normally think like that.  It had been a hard week.  I believe that was when I got the phone call from DFCS.  I also had been to several social events where aspects of parenting were the topic of discussion.  Most of the time I left to find other conversation.  In that particular incident I had no one else to talk to, so I turned my attention more on the kids I was caring for.  Not a bad thing, but the mental damage had been done.

This blog is my space to record my thoughts and feelings...the nice ones and the not-so-nice ones.  I could and perhaps should keep a private journal since I am so thin-skinned, but there is something about knowing people are reading and listening to you that is cathartic.  I also appreciate hearing other people's perspective in the comments.  Shannon, I especially liked your thoughts.  I never thought about how those conversations are probably tiresome to everyone to a degree.  I love when we can share experiences that enhance understanding and bring us closer together despite the differences in life situation.  And I am sorry I hurt a good friend in making that post.  I had intended to talk to her privately beforehand, and I simply forgot to do it.  That is not being a good friend to someone who has shown me great kindness and love.  I am sorry Kim.

What I go through is painful.  It is a type of grief, and grief for me is easier endured when shared.  I am immensely better than I was, and I know as time passes and life adds experiences (and perhaps children, who knows?), I will continue to improve.  This past month in particular has been one of great personal and spiritual growth, and I am so grateful for that.  And it is my trials that has made it happen.  That doesn't take the pain away, but I am learning to bear it better and have peace in my circumstances.

I Wish I Was Meaner

You know what I hate?  I hate how every gathering with women involves birthing stories and parenting stories.  I decided tonight that I wish I was meaner.  Because then I could give my snark free reign and butt in with what I'm thinking.  "That is a crazy story!  You want to hear what happened with my labor and delivery?  Ooooooh, wait a minute!  I don't have a story!  You know why?  I don't have any children.  Yes, I know I'm Mormon.  Yes, I have been married for almost seven years.  Thank you for looking at me like I belong in a zoo.  Thank you for having a conversation in my presence that I cannot contribute to in any way.  That makes me feel just WONDERFUL!!!"
/rant

Adoption, Part 6

I originally had planned a break from all these adoption posts for variety's sake, but a couple of things have happened that need to be recorded and shared. Well, the end result is nothing has happened, but there is news to report. More government bureaucracy. Yay.

We did get in right away to see Dr. Kennedy. We spent one session discussing the particular issue we were told must be discussed, and quickly saw that it is not something that affects the stability of our relationship or our ability to parent. He agreed to write another letter saying so right away. He hand wrote it, sealed it in an envelope with his signature across the back, and had me pick it up and put it in the mail. It was in the mail on a Thursday or Friday. (Can't remember exactly.) It was local mail, and Monday was a holiday, so I figured it would be there Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. Before we had our session, I emailed DFCS asking exactly what we needed. No reply. Remember this. It is very important.

I e-mailed DFCS and anxiously waited to hear if it had been received and if it was good enough. And I waited. And I waited. I gave in on Thursday and e-mailed asking if it had been received. The next day we received an e-mail telling us it had to be typed and sent directly from the office. I was livid!!! The previous letter had also been handwritten, and not a word was said. And even worse than that, I am really not sure when she planned on letting us know as the ONLY reason I got that email was I emailed her first. Absolutely unprofessional. And remember me asking exactly what we needed? Yeah, would have been nice to know...but wait, there's more government stupidity!

We paid $40 to have the letter typed, and it was promptly put in the mail. Once again, a few days later I emailed asking if it had been received. Once again, I got one sentence saying yes it had. And that was it. For about two weeks. At this point, we were stuck. The next step is DFCS calling our home study writer and giving her the go ahead to make our final interview appointment. I have tried contacting her multiple times but she can't/won't do anything until she is contacted by them. And they are admittedly busy and obviously not in a hurry to get our stuff done in any way, shape, or form. As busy as they are, they could at least take a couple minutes out of the day on occasion for communication's sake. But NOOO. That is definitely too efficient for a government agency.

Back to story itself. About two weeks passed. Then, this Monday we received an email actually initiated by DFCS. Now, this should have been thrilling, but nope. We were told that NOW they need a letter explicitly stating no further counseling is required at this time. Pretty much word-for-word. Typed and faxed from the office. The previous letter stated that the issue of interest was not a threat to our family but that we were continuing to go to counseling to improve our relationship. we all thought this would be seen as a positive, especially when it comes to parenting children who usually need therapy. we are obviously open to it and willing to do what it takes to make things work. but I guess that's not a good thing. Remember that little email I sent asking them exactly what was needed? Two letters, $80 for typing, and one month later...

The letter was faxed today, so now we wait. Again. It looks like no good deed truly does go unpunished. Ugh.

Adoption, Part 5

I should think of a new way to title the adoption updates...I'm going to lose track of the number! And with the ups and downs we've had in the last couple of weeks, I really should be on number 9 or something. I've just been bad about posting updates because they haven't been very good ones. Well, there was a great one, and then things went downhill. But there is a happy ending. :) Most of you will already know about most of this because of FB, but keep reading til the end. There is a great story there. (How is that for a tease?)

We did indeed meet with our counselor two more times. After the second visit we knew we were getting a nice recommendation letter from him. We had the third visit scheduled already, so we basically picked up the letter then. Quite obviously, we were excited. I even made an inquiry on a kid on a photo listing just to get an idea on how it worked, how long it would take, etc. I was basically told (very nicely) I was jumping the gun and hold my horses.

I called Marti, the woman writing our home study to see how things would go from here. She had to wait for Pam, the caseworker, to receive the letter and give her the go ahead. Marti then had to make one final visit to close out our one study. And after that it would go to the board for approval.
Home stretch, right? Ah, the ups and downs of life!

Last Friday we received a letter from Pam informing us that we had not discussed with our counselor the issues we were sent there to discuss. We thought we had done what we were supposed to, but there had been a misunderstanding. We were quite upset. The timing of this is very precise right now with all of the training Nathan will be gone for this year, and this set back was huge. We would have to go back to the counselor. On Monday we found out he didn't have any availability until march 1st...2 1/2 weeks away. This meant an adoption this year was very unlikely. On top of that, Pam told us a private adoption might be a better fit for us. That was very hard to hear. We don't have the money for that and we really feel we are supposed to adopt one of the "unadoptable." It was a bad weekend. And it didn't stop there.

On Monday, I received an e-mail from Pam, and at the end she said we might want to consider a private agency. I thought she meant we should have a private company do our home study and then continue to try to adopt through the state system. This would mean $1500 of our money for something that is currently free, but they are much faster. I was seriously considering it, and then we found out Pam actually was suggesting a private adoption from start to finish. With LDS services, we could afford it but it would take every cent we own. With any other agency...way too expensive. This has been very distressing for me as I worry it means she suspects we won't be approved. Really it probably is an effort to reign in expectations, but she has said things before like warning me how long it would take that I know was her trying to keep my feet on the ground. This was the first mention of possible rejection, so I am concerned.

Monday night I went to bed very depressed. And honestly, I felt a bit abandoned by God. There have been a couple if times I have prayed and fasted more than I ever had before, and it seemed like my prayers had gone unanswered. And the prayers were very righteous desires, so it has been hard to see my Heavenly Father's plan in that. This has been one of those times.

As I was lying in bed, I found myself almost "accidentally" praying.  Considering my abandonment issues, I wasn't really in the mood to pray, and yet I was anyway.  Probably an heavenly kick-start.  :)  I wasn't kneeling, it wasn't a proper prayer, and yet I found myself pouring my heart out.  I told Heavenly Father I wasn't feeling very close to Him right now.  I understood that was due to failings on my end, but I really needed some help.  I asked Him to "arrange" (for lack of a better word that is not coming to me right now) for a cancellation so we could get in to see Dr. Kennedy sooner than 3 weeks out.  Our timing is very tight, and 3 weeks won't allow for everything to get done by the time it needs to be done.  I told Heavenly Father that it would mean very much to me if this could happen, and that I really needed to feel His caring and love in a more direct way right now.  I needed to KNOW I wasn't alone.

Tuesday morning I received a text from Dr. Kennedy.  Not only was there a cancellation, it was for that Wednesday--the next day!  I don't know if I have ever received such a direct answer to a prayer before in my life.  I don't know that I've ever asked for such a specific request to enable such a direct answer.  I always try to have a "God's will" attitude.  That is all well and good, but this experience taught me that it is okay to ask for specific needs/wants.  Of course one must be prepared for an answer one doesn't want (I also know a bit about that!), and that is where God's will comes in.  This was such an amazing experience for me.  It was such a small thing, but I NEEDED that.  In fact, being such a small thing really emphasized for me the caring our Heavenly Father has for even the minute details in our lives that our important to us even if they fade in the bigger picture.  I can't say I have enjoyed every step of this adoption journey, but this was an invaluable reminder to me of our Heavenly Father's love.

Adoption Part 4

I talked to our caseworker today because I needed to get some paperwork mailed to us.  It was not a very inspiring conversation.  She was nice, but the truth hurts sometimes.  She was wondering what age range Nathan and I were looking into as those who want to adopt young children are now on a waiting list that's pushing 5 years and she wanted us on that list as soon as possible if we were looking at that age.  We're not.  We're wanting school age and are trying to focus on the right child rather than the right age.  However, I just found out even that can take 3 years.  Now that is demoralizing.  Looks like I can be a nanny forever if I want.  :P  I think switching emphasis from the Georgia photo listing to the national one was probably the right idea.  I don't attach as easily, and it looks like if we want this to ever happen we might need a wider pool of possibilities.  Tomorrow is our second counselor visit, and our third appointment is already set up for the following week so we don't waste any more time.  Maybe we'll get good news there...Good morning to me!

Adoption, Part 3.5

Just a quick update.  The 7-year-old boy I got attached to is no longer available for adoption.  It comes as no surprise, but it hurts all the same.  I have discovered that in order to keep any motivation to get things done (this really is a heinous process that will beat you down), I have to attach and pin my hopes on a particular kid or two.  I have to imagine specifically what life will be like and start planning for the future.  Otherwise, I just don't care.  The problem is, we have been doing this for a 1 1/2 years now, so I have attached to many kids at this point with no result.  And it hurts every time.  Every time I have to go through a "mini-mourning."  And I hate it.

 This one seems to hurt even more than usual.  Probably because we were so close and yet so far.  Stupid system.  That, and he was 7, almost 8.  Kids that young don't come up that often.  They get adopted by foster families and if not that, they just don't stay available for very long.  Everyone wants a kid as young as possible.  I thought I was okay with older.  And I am.  I think.  But I have to admit, the idea of a child that young appeals to me very much.  So it's harder than ever to let this one go, regardless of the fact that he is going to presumably a good home.  Not my best day.

Adoption, Part 3: The Counselor

When we last left off this crazy story, Nathan and I had been told that since we had seen a counselor previously and that the records indicate we never resolved our issues we would have to see a counselor here and get approved before moving forward.  We finally saw a counselor tonight, and it was somewhere between successful and unsuccessful.  It wasn't a total flop as we liked him well enough, but we are not approved yet, and we face a pretty serious obstacle:  time.

We face a pretty big deadline in April.  If we do not get approved before then, we have to redo all the paperwork.  And seriously, you don't know the meaning of paperwork until you try to adopt through DFCS.  Mountain does not really even begin to describe it!  I thought we had plenty of time to get it done, so I wasn't unduly concerned nor in a big rush.  I had hoped against hope we would be approved tonight because there is a cute little 7-year-old I'd like to put in an application for, but that was pretty unrealistic and I knew it.  We didn't get our approval, and the soonest appointment time we could make was for 2 weeks from now.  I was disappointed as I doubt this little boy will still be available at that point in time, but I could deal with it.  Then, Nathan told me on the way home that he will probably be leaving for Airman Leadership School, a 5-week training, on February 15th.  That is SOON, especially if we can only make appointments for 2 weeks at a time!  And he won't get back until shortly before our April deadline.  Bad news.  Bad, bad news.

So we are hurt, angry, and sad.  And frustrated.  Very, very frustrated.  As Nathan said tonight, the worst part is knowing that you probably couldn't find a better home for these kids.  We have a house.  We have a clean house.  Nathan has a steady income.  I am dedicated to being a stay-at-home mom, which I personally feel is the ideal.  I have a degree that gave me 5 years of experience in working with children.  We have a stable relationship.  We go to church every week.  (Well, I go every week.  Nathan works Sundays.  :P)  We have morals and values.  We have a great support system locally with the church and farther away with our families.  What is the hang up?  We went to counseling FOUR YEARS AGO!!!!  Makes a person want to throw a full-on tantrum on the ground, kicking and screaming.

Healthy Munchies

On a roll!  I'm surprising even myself with all these posts.  Maybe it's the New Year.  Maybe it's a full moon.  Who knows?  We'll see how long it lasts...

Awhile back I had a friend (hi Melanie!) ask me for healthy snack ideas.  I totally dropped the ball.  But now that I'm refocusing on weight loss, I remembered that long-ago request and thought I'd finally answer the question.  Here's a list of some of my favorite low-cal snacks that helped me lose weight the first time.

• toddler cereal Puffs
• sugar free Jello (with bananas in it, just for fun)
• pickles (although you have to be careful with the sodium content)
• nuts, especially pistachios
• portioned-out baggies of chocolate chips (I put one portion size in a snack size bag for the day and that's all the chocolate chips I'm allowed to eat.  I'm kinda addicted to them, and this helps A TON.  My favorite are the Ghiradelli 60% Cocoa chips.  They are larger than normal and somehow do a better job of satisfying the craving.  It's worth the extra cost for me.)
• fruit
• Kroger's rice and bean chips with hummus
• veggies with hummus, especially bell peppers
• roasted chick peas (I'm new to this one, but I loved them the one time I had them and intend to make them A LOT this go around on my weight loss journey.  You flavor them with whatever spice(s) you want and then just roast them in the oven.)

And that is all I can think of right now, although I bet there are more.  My biggest thing on this adventure has been to never completely deprive myself of the things I love.  I do count calories.  Yes, it is a pain, but there are some great online resources.  And we tend to eat the same things every day which makes it easy to keep track of.  The only thing that really changes for me is dinner, and I try to only make meals that I can find nutritional info for.  In October I fell off the counting bandwagon, and what do you know?  I started gaining again, even though my gym attendance was still above average.  It really is all about the food.  

When I started, I weighed about 150.  I am now at 123, and my goal is 115.  (Before people scream at me for being unreasonable, please keep in mind that I am only 5 feet tall.  And I talked about this with my doctor.  It is an informed number.)  This week I worked on sticking to my gym plan for the week and not making excuses.  I only missed one class, as opposed to the 2 or 3 I'd been skipping out on, and that was to come home and do some physical therapy. I'd say I did pretty good.   Next week, it's back to calorie counting!

ETA:  Another hint for you.  Write down your calorie count for the day in the morning, not as you eat.  This gives you a plan for the day.  If you make a plan and write it down, it is easier to stick to it.

Meaning

I have a great job.  I babysit two wonderful 4-yr-old twins (boy and girl).  I work from 1-5:15 Tuesday-Friday.  I pick them up from daycare, they eat snack, we get ready for nap, they nap for 2 hours (give or take), we take a bath, and then if we have any time left we play.  I don't get paid much, only $7.50/hour, but it's all we need.  I got the job more to have something to do than the money anyway.  The parents are fantastic.  We all love each other.  It is a great job.  And I want to quit.

When I started this job, I thought we'd be knee-deep in adoption process at this point in time. I was originally hired to work through December with the possibility of staying for the entire year or even more.  Depending on how we all felt about it in December.  When I started this job, I thought we'd be knee-deep in adoption process at this point in time.  I told my employer this as I do believe in being honest, and we both figured we'd just get to December and see what was going on at that time.  

It is now January.  We are not even approved for adoption yet, and I am still working.  And I think knowing that by my original plan I wouldn't be has made me restless.  The kids love me, and I love them, but they are not mine.  And I think I feel like my life lacks meaning.  When it comes down to it, I am just a babysitter.   Not the greatest contribution to society.  I've begun to dread going to my cushy job, which is absolutely ridiculous.  If you look at just the facts without emotion.  But I'm obviously not a robot, I do have emotions, and I want to have meaning in my life.  Make an impact.  I am ready to quit and move on.

Luckily, we have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday next week.  It's probably optimistic, but I would just love it if he approved us in just the one visit.  Especially as there's the cutest little 7-year-old on the photo listing now.  It's not often children that young come up for adoption, and they never stay very long. I'm crossing fingers, praying, and fasting (how convenient that that's this week!) that we will be quickly approved so the right child, whoever that is, can come be a part of our lives.  

I'm Back!!!!

With the New Year comes new resolutions.  I hate to fall into the cliche, but I do have some goals.  And I learned in a Young Women's lesson a couple of weeks ago (I teach Mia Maids and Laurels) that goals should be written down.  So here it goes:

• Keep up with this blog.  My last post was in October?  Ouch!
• Get back on my regular exercise schedule.  Believe or not, I have slipped since October.  Life was either busy or full of illness or both.  And it got easy to find excuses.  I was still better than most, but not up to my standards.  And along with that...
• Get to my goal weight.  I was oh-so-close in October, but I have gained some back since then.  It's time to "Get 'er done!"
• Speak to Nathan in his love language.  I tend to get caught up in how he doesn't speak in mine and forget it works both ways.
• Pray.  Sadly I have fallen a long way in that regard.  Need to make a course correction.
• Read scriptures.  I have never been very good at that.  Here's to a New Year and renewed commitment!
• Go to the temple once a quarter.  Once a month would be better, of course.  I'm hoping to work my way towards that.  
• Get food storage going.
• Set a budget with Germany as a goal and stick to it.
• Start planning my YW lessons 2 weeks ahead so I have time to pray and prepare.
• Spend less time reading internet forums and more time reading books.  I love books.  Why is it that I have forgotten that I love books?
• Stop being a chicken and start interpreting in church.  Perhaps I will be getting a new calling soon and be forced into it...???
• Become more politically involved.  I talk a big game.  I do practically nothing.

At the moment, that is all I can think of.  I won't be surprised if more come up later.  Good luck with your resolutions, whether they are written down or just thoughts floating around!  I love new beginnings and the opportunity to improve oneself.  It is a great time of year.  :)