how to be alone.

because if you're happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

crazy.

wow i realised i've abandoned this blog for a month. for good reasons, really.
i've been spending waay too much time in front of the computer at work. no wait, in front of three computers. yes i've got three computers to deal with. sucks huh?
by the time i'm home, i just want to either crash or watch tv. or have some alone time.
and i guess, not wanting to pen down my thoughts is a manifestation of my brain not wanting to work the minute i enter my house.

a lot of things have been going on in my life lately.
alpha course has been fun. today we heard this story of a couple brought back together from the brink of divorce, through God.
and then a friend asked me whether i had kept in contact with you. i said, i tried but it didn't get very far - i.e. i guess you're not ready or you didn't believe what i had to say in that message i sent a few months back.

so i guess i did my part? in trying to work things out, as friends? in trying to rebuild the bridges we had burnt about a year and a half ago. i don't know if i should try and reach out to you again or at least somewhere down the road, but right now i've got so many things on my mind...work, life, yoga (yes yoga), so many things to do so little time..that i find it hard to sit down and search inside me to figure out what to say to you and how. sometimes i wish you'd put the past aside and meet me at that halfway mark. maybe you can't? maybe you're not ready? but who's to know, right?

so, maybe tomorrow. maybe.

i've decided to keep a prayer diary. and maybe try and recount all the blessings that i've been endowed with over the past years. it's amazing really how, as time keeps flying past, we rarely stop to smell the roses that God has helped to plant along the way. sometimes we trample over them and we forget that they're there. i'm going to make a note to myself to take that time out everyday and learn to be thankful.
and i keep hanging on.

happiness is just round this corner, i think.

revelry.

this song always makes me so damn emo.
but also like in a sexy way. hahaha.
awww shit. they HAVE to come to Singapore.

gosh. work today is awesome. like it reminded me why i joined in the first place. it reminded me of what i wanted to become and how i am, each day, a step closer to that dream.
i want that. and i WILL work for it.

crossfire.

work hasn't been too bad these past few days. at least we didn't get thrown into the fire immediately BUT we kinda did have to hit the ground running after two days of induction briefings
i found myself emailing the big people upstairs within two days of work.
and then the big people halfway across the world.
emailing my career inspiration. someone whose work you used to read in political science classes on singapore's foreign policy. is now your direct boss. someone you email back and forth about three times a day.
i know this is geeky...but for me it's like being able to talk to a celebrity. daily.

i'm getting sick of my short hair. i miss being able to flip it around and not having to blow-dry it every morning. urgh. but sometimes i find my bob awesome because not many people can carry it off...and i can! ;) (according to majority consensus)

i also need to buy more work clothes.
this is killing me, every morning i wake up and open the closet and stare at it blankly for 5 minutes, not knowing what to do. fighting the urge to head back to bed and not turn up for work because i am simply lazy.by.nature.

can i stop working please?

i met someone and i really like him and i don't really want to think about it or talk about it too much because i'm afraid. and i'm scared that i'll lose myself and get too ahead and then i will be disappointed. i am afraid of being disappointed by too many expectations. so i will make sure i have none.

why am i not a happy person?

adulthood.

i start work tomorrow.
so i felt like this deserves an entry...considering the fact that i've been soo busy having fun this past month that i've neglected updating this blog. also because there really isn't much drama in my life these days, such that i don't feel compelled to blog or engage in any cathartic writing.

it's not that i'm completely okay, but it IS the case that things are looking up and i feel like after everything, writing this thesis, getting my grades, graduating and embarking on a new career...that i've reached a new stage in life, where i leave the baggage of youth (yes, youth is sometimes a burden) behind, for the freedoms of adulthood.

to say that i am completely looking forward to adulthood would be an utter lie. i am inherently lazy. so work is an antithesis to all that i enjoy doing and believe in. but i'm slowly starting to accept the fact that everybody has to be put through this, for the "good of society" and that the taitai lifestyle only comes to a select (lucky) few. besides, i'm in serious debt after my grad trip, and i plan to start my collection of luxury bags and shoes - and the only way i can do this, is by earning a steady (albeit awesome) income.
i also feel like, it is much less of a stigma for my generation now, to make mid-career switches. i feel like i belong to this awesome generation in which we don't have to worry about where the roads lead us, and that we're looking to enjoy the ride rather than arrive at some destination.
and i know that if i have this attitude, it makes me want to go on forever - if you get what i mean.

sleep is overrated. sleep is for the weak. i spent my final week of freedom basically maximising my days, my time and doing as much as possible, seeing as many people as possible and making sure i live it all up before work starts. i enjoy working hard but i also love playing hard. i'm all about living life to the extreme these days. and now, it just seems even more meaningful.

i feel like there are so many things still unresolved, things still waiting to be reconnected, settled. My mind, my body and my soul do not feel at ease. I thought it would be easy to kill things off forever but i guess its starting to catch up with me, more than a year later. I wonder if you are feeling the same. i am sometimes amazed that i still think of you after all this while. I don't know. It's not like i love you anymore, but it's more like i need to resolve this properly.

insomniac.

i can't fall asleep. I woke up a while ago from a dream. You were in it, and it was so surreal. I felt like i was living the dream..well duh..and that somehow you were still nearby..and in my dream you came into my room while i was asleep and you sat down on my bed and you stroked my face to wake me up. And then i woke up and you said, "sorry". And i woke up in bed at 4am with tears running down my face. And i just can't explain why and how this happened. maybe i'm thinking too much and you probably don't even know abt any of this. But i guess, in some weird, unexplainable way, we eare still connected