Sigh...

Alright, I did it. Dirty damn deleted. I still don't believe in CIO at all, but I see where people are coming from being all up in arms about the post. I guess I didn't read into the link as well as I should, I reread it and definitely understand.

I do NOT believe in CIO for my own children, and when I mean CIO I mean when it involves just letting a baby cry and cry and cry. Just plain letting them cry themselves into exhaustion. That is something I would never ever do for Lucy...only because I would feel cruel. Because I want sleeping to be something she equates with warmth, relaxation and security, not crying until she passes out.

You do whatever works for you, I'll do what works for me. I dislike dirty deleting but I never put it out there to be judgmental or self righteous and honestly just feel like getting rid of everything from today. I want this blog to be about Lucy and my own adventures in parenting, not a sounding board for what kind of parenting is the best, or worst. I've taken a step back and reevaluated what I want to write about--and that is Lucy, my family, how much fun we're having and sharing lots of pictures. I don't want it to be about soapboxes and how you should or shouldn't parent because frankly, that is your business.

Sorry for those of you who spent time responding, I definitely took everything to heart and I appreciate your input. I'm sure I'll get some not-so-nice comments for deleting too but that's cool. You say what you feel you need to. I myself am moving on from it.

PS. I'm putting the Lucy pictures post from today above this one because its THAT is what I want my blog to be about.

Lame...

Disclaimer: I am going to complain. I am very tired. This may not make sense and very possibly may be incredibly boring. You have been warned.
__

I'm tired. So very, very tired. I wanted to write a nice long bloggy blog about my adventures in breastfeeding... but I'm just too tired. I feel like my brain has just.plain.stopped.working.period.done.Do not pass go, do not collect $100. Ugh.

The worst part? It's only Tuesday. TUESDAY. I mean, its not as if it is Thursday, and the week has been busy and is now almost over...no, I've only completed two work days but for some reason I just feel like I've been run over by a truck. And oh, correction, the worst part of it isn't that its only Tuesday and I feel like falling asleep while doing the dishes earlier, (literally, the thought actually ran through my mind "maybe if I just rested my eyelids for a moment..." Good think I didn't or I would have ended up head first into the soapy pasta pan, but I digress), its that the next three days of my work week involve me either needing to leave for work extremely early (6:30 am anyone, you know it is DARK AT THAT TIME NOW, unheard of!) or me staying late or just plain long (damn you safety committee, damn you to hell).

Not to mention I'm still only seeing my Lucy for an hour or two at night which just makes me sad. So, very sad. This sucks.

Sorry this entry isn't uplifting, interesting or funny (ok, maybe the mental picture of me asleep in the kitchen sink may be marginally funny to some, but admit it, its weak even for me). I've basically bored myself almost to sleep just writing this. I probably shouldn't even post it...oh hell, why not. On a positive note, I'm sure my next blog entry will be much better than this one, something to look forward to, no?

Do you have any hellish work weeks or exhausting stay at home stories to commiserate with me? Misery loves company...please do share!

"Love makes you smile when you're tired."
-Unknown

One of those nights...

You know, those one where you just can't seem to catch a break? That was my night tonight. Or rather, my crappy day today that proceeded to continue on into my night tonight. Lucy got a cold over the weekend, so she's been pretty miserable with a stuffed up nose and you know what that means, no sleep. So no sleep Saturday or Sunday night. Throw in the fact that Rob came down with the same cold, only 100x worse than Lucy's, and ran a raging fever all last night (it was like sleeping next to a space heater) and you've got a very tired and unhappy little family. Not to mention our power went out last night so no alarm clock this morning. That means I'm scrambling this morning, late to work, sick baby, sick husband... things couldn't get worse, right? How about a raging blocked duct. Wonderful. Now I'm at work, barely getting anything when I'm pumping and feel like my left side is going to explode.

I rush home to pick up Lucy at the end of the day and she wants nothing to do with me. Refuses to nurse and reaches out for my mom when I'm holding her. It just about broke my heart (and my boob). My mom points out its because of my voice. I'm not calm enough, I'm not this, I'm not that. It's a constant thing with my mother, I am always doing something wrong. I finally get home at 7:00 pm after having to pry Lucy from my mother. Rob is still in bed (understandably, he was really sick) and what does Lucy do? Reaches for dad. No amount of cuddles will convince her to stay with mom and by this time I honestly think my left breast is going to peace out so I hand her over to Rob. I get in the shower and try to work out the knot, doesn't work. Damn.

After my should I try to get Lucy to nurse again. Fail. She wants dad. Screw you mom.

At 8:00 I get her ready for bed and try again and now that she seems maybe have a tiny interested in eating and guess what, nothing. Absolutely nothing. No milk. Now she's screaming, my milk isn't coming in, and I'm just about to break down and cry like a baby with her. I give up and put her in bed. She falls asleep immediately (I guess she didn't want to eat after all) and here I am. Totally insane blocked duct. No dinner. Mother to a baby who seems to want absolutely nothing to do with her. Husband who cannot for the life of him figure out why his wife is sobbing in the computer room.

Today I realized that this tiny person that my body made, that I carried for 9 months and for whom I have always been the center of the world, isn't always going to need me. I mean I'm sure today is just a fluke, that she's be "mom mom mom"-ing it up, reaching for me, and snuggling my shoulder like usual tomorrow. But this was the first time, the first time I wasn't the most important person in the room. It's funny but for these 9 months Lucy has really only had eyes for mom. It just made me realize, she's not always going to need me, she's not always going to want me around and that it is amazing how one tiny person can just about break you heart without even meaning to.

What in the world do you do when you just have one of those days?

Edit: She just woke up and all she wanted was "Momom"...man, I am so melodramatic! Chalk it up to lack of sleep and the damn blocked duct, which feels so much better now (since she was hungry as well).

“Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”
-The Wonder Years

FAIL...

Sorry for the delay on my GD test update. I, in a fit of rage at Verizon Fios and them overcharging my account for no apparent reason, cancelled my internet. So I've been without internet, until tonight when I jumped on someone in the neighborhood's unsecured wireless network in a desperate attempt to update my blog.

So... I FAILED. Here's the story. Last time I was at the doctor's office she had mentioned that in my October appointment that I would have my GD test. She didn't tell me anything else, and nor did the nurse or the person who called to confirm my appointment. So here I was, on Monday morning, happily chowing down on Rob's leftover twice-baked potatoes and eating a candy bar before I went for my test until one of the girls in my office stopped me in horror. Wasn't I supposed to be fasting? Was I seriously eating carbs and candy before my test? Ok, so looking back, that doesn't seem like the smartest move, but I didn't even think twice since neither my doctor nor any of the nurses has instructed me otherwise. So I called the doctor's office to make sure. Nope, totally fine they assured me.

So I get to the appointment and my doctor's nurse brings Rob and I back to the room. I get weighed...only 4 lbs since Sept 3rd...SCORE (as opposed to my post vacation/big Italian in-laws visit weight gain of 6 lbs the previous month)!! I was feeling damn good about that. Then she tells me that the next visit I'll be getting my GD test, in November. I, suprised, say:

"Oh! Good! I thought I was supposed to get it today and was worried because all I've eaten today is potatoes and a candy bar."

She goes out to get the doctor, but is back in a minute with a small bottle. She explains to me that I can take the test today, I'm a little skeptical and ask again if my morning's diet will affect the outcome. She assures me, like everyone else, that it will not. So I drink it down. I was thinking it would taste like thick cough syrup, or something, but it was not that bad at all! It simply tasted like sweet, flat Sprite. Not my drink of choice, but it wasn't horrendous like I've heard.

I feel pretty good about passing. There is no history of GD in my family, I haven't gained a lot of weight, I'm ok. NOT. I get a call the next morning that I failed my test and now have to go in for my three hour screening tomorrow. I ask the nurse, again, if this could have anything to do with what I ate, and she says no. Argh. No problem, I'll just take 4 hours out of my insane work schedule in which I have no time to finish work even when I take it home every weekend. Oh yeah, easy peasy.

I will be so bummed if I DO have GD. I know it isn't a huge deal, I'll just have to modify my diet (no more pasta, potatoes and candy...every day), and I can totally do that. But I hate the idea of anything negative or risky in this pregnancy. Lucy and I can handle it, but it is still scary!

So that is my story for tonight.

Did any of you moms/pregnant gals out there have to fast before your first GD test? Just curious...

“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

-Woody Allen