Omg we need stupid bright title pages 4 our personal blogs!?! I fFUCKING HATE what the internet has turned into. What used to be a place for ideas, dialogue, intros to people who might never meet “IRL” before those stupid abbreviations meant anything but death or life on an rpg. I am so distracted by that first page I lost my OG rant!!! Haha old people problems. But prob outta start writing everyday again. Might help with the painting problem with the spark. And maybe you will stop entertaining douchebags. And THAT my friend isn’t you, because I’m not ready to be that honest about that! Doesn’t really matter much to anyone anyway. No one is really invested in each other anymore. But I guess I’ve always felt that way. And why I try to make sure other people don’t feel that way if I can help it. I will never understand the reason to make people feel less than. When you can inspire, heal, teach or just love another person. I feel hurt before anger and anger for me is more you hurt someone I love. Anger for myself takes many more steps.
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| Date: | 2022-01-19 02:31 |
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| Security: | Public |
How about nobody else. How about you dumb ass. How about you REALLY DO YOU?!! Fuck everyone. Nobody will notice or care until u get baller. Cept a few that were there… let’s see
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| Date: | 2022-01-19 02:24 |
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Ketchup is apparently the most annoying ooo and a plate on the coffee table
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| Date: | 2021-09-22 07:17 |
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I’ve felt from a young age I’ve mostly had to hold back and not really be me. Whether it be silly me, shy me, vulnerable me, smart ass me or all and more.
This angst really solidified in the teen years when everyone is just trying to find their path. Well instead of relegating myself to only one I chose them all. I could adapt, and change my stripes, if you didn’t like that part of me I could tuck it away for a different friend group.
The consequences that comes with that decision is while you might fit in with many friend groups the underlying feeling is alone.
Yes, I was loved, I had a good family and friends, but I knew most people could not really grasp me. I mean back then I didn’t even know who me was. I was on a journey to figure it out.
I learned, adapted, assimilated to a certain degree. But when I’ve always felt the best is when I buck the norm. I don’t initially do it because of the shock value it was a lack of fear and being young and naive.
Now as I’ve gotten older, and figured out a little more who I am, I find myself missing her, that fearless girl.
Right now I need her. My reminder to self she is within you. She’s always there.
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| Date: | 2014-02-10 15:43 |
| Subject: | true love |
| Security: | Public |
when u find someone who totally gets all the good and bad about u and loves u inspite of ur flaws... there is simply no greater gift or greater power
I have been turned into a hopeless romantic, over the moon, re-engaged with the living
which I guess is the answer I prayed and prayed and hoped to find my way back from the pit of despair then boom he was standing in front of me for over a year and then he gave me his memoir to read I have never felt closer to anyone or got anyone so completely and I totally believe my angel Scotty set him in my path I can just hear him watching upstairs for a year, yelling at me to turn around look HE'S RIGHT THERE WENCH! I've never known such happiness or believed this was actually possible getting everything I want is sooo surreal thank u hey-zeus and Scotty
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| Date: | 2013-05-11 03:01 |
| Subject: | New life? |
| Security: | Public |
So I think I might of really found the "one"
What's funny is I knew him in high school I worshipped him then and we have reconnected on a total friendship level only
I feel an equality but I look up to him and respect him in a different way. We have zero sexual history it's all friend based and love. And honesty, we had the best conversation tonight, it was almost a Scotty convo... So honest refreshing and just real. I am so glad to have that again. Talking to him makes me realize how much I have closed myself off. And fuck everyone I am just gonna be me 100%. Everyday here and now. I am done with the sugar coat. And now becomes the LJ after the fact. Pretty sure 80% of my rl won't be able to handle it. But I think it is gonna help me figure out my next move. Cuz it is time. Even if Ryan isn't the one he is helping me get back to the true happy me. It's nice to find that in a friend, especially an old friend. Nostalgia. Have to start breaking down the walls and find myself again, done with the preservation, here comes vulnerable Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-05-09 03:40 |
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Reread the last 4 years.... Have over stayed my welcome with myself TIME TO CHANGE MUST DO NOW!!!! Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-04-27 06:02 |
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| Security: | Public |
I have always been a mess it just varies on degrees. And I am hyper self critical, which is part of the reason I moved the first trauma induced situation. Now there is no trauma except I have come to realize reality and just lost all faith since Scott died. I have been insuper denial but it really hit me tonight for some reason... But when he died so did I.. Lost my courage, lost my joy, lost my passion. Him dying isn't the only reason but subconsciously I think it's spun me to the place I am now. I know it's not the end of my world, but the way he died and it's. impact is too devastating. I don't know how to climb out of this hole Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-03-15 05:51 |
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So gonna try to take LJ onto blogspot and be me with everyone who finds it.. Still debating names and terrified to let everyday ppl have that much access So so scared Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-02-27 10:28 |
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OMG I am an idiot!! I really need a babysitter sometimes. Wtf was I thinking last night??? Aggghhhhh Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-02-15 03:40 |
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Can we talk about how no one in my day to day life really knows me? Since my divorce I have shut it down it's so few and far between... I have segregated life so much. I don't really want to be this way but it has been a solid 8 years of no love, no relationship. There have been some minor - tried to let them in- relationships. But I don't know if I am ever gonna trust like I did first husband and Scott. Scott was the best most ultimate friend. How do u tell ur whole life story u already experienced? Ugh u can't
First husband was there thru Scott
Scott and I were soul mates but he wasn't hetro and I wasn't a gay man but we loved each other more than anyone Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2013-01-27 05:21 |
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It's nice to feel missed and hopefully I am on the upswing out of my depression. Been in a DEEP dark place for a while.,, it's a cycle, not my first. Oh but what a struggle it is, I wish I would of stopped this low sooner there were a couple cries to the wrong ppl. And the ppl who are asking where have u been, and the few who have reached out and shared their stories has made me realize how selfish depression really makes u become. Ugh This is a note to self!!! U KNOW WHAT TO DO NO MORE PROCRASTINATING! The change is now not tomorrow. Get out of the house EVERY SINGLE DAY. U don't have to be, look or act perfect just get out!!!! Stop the avoidance. Because that is failure. Sigh
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-12-21 06:32 |
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| Security: | Public |
Just remembering a random dream with the most Cajun accented chef and amazing food but with a true redneck/hillbilly family Don't know why but haven't remembered dreams for the last year until a couple weeks ago an man have they been crazy Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-19 02:44 |
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So get ready Chicago the "ladies" are invading tomorrow! I am so stoked I can't wait to go to the Shedd Aquarium. I just want to soak up some ocean time. Man I miss Costa Rica and the peace and joy I get from the waves everyday. I expect the weekend to be legend.... Wait for it
dary!
God I love Barney Stinson Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-15 04:42 |
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It's funny how LJ has changed and some of us have lost that youthful inhibition and freedom. I think it's because we've watched the Internet evolve and the geeky innocence has been swallowed by the soul sucking social media movement. What used to be a place for expression seems to me to now be more about finding fame. I am going to try and ignore the fame whores and rediscover the innocence I once knew. Before gawker, Perez, tmz.... God I feel old and sad. I have to start dramatic changes this week, otherwise I am afraid of what will be. Apathy be damned I need to find my inner challenge and passion again. And stop pretending, this act ain't working anymore. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-13 09:01 |
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People should just take my electronic devices after I start doing shots Man do I make bad decisions?! YES YES I do !
*le sigh* Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-11 04:46 |
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| Security: | Public |
Well gee just got TOTAL validation for the emotional walls. Little history and then to the pain.... Since I moved to St. Louis since my divorce 8+ years ago, my father has been to visit me zero times. I get cards with money, and apparently my stepbrothers and sisters get all the visits they want out of state or out of town. The last time he had a serious health crisis I specifically told him and my bitch stepmother to never tell me 3 weeks after the fact. Cut to 5 minutes ago and checked my email from this evening, not only did they come to town, they came they went to hospital for tests and sent me an email from home? It's a very clinical email, it's very, very hurtful, I don't even rate a phone call? I made the choice 6 years ago with my therapist to have this relationship with my dad. Estranged. But to be slapped in the face with your father's first visit to St. Louis and not even rate a phone call. Wow! Especially in a health situation. Just totally unbelievable.
Walls = Justified I do not, will not ever understand this insensitivity. It's also the number one reason I will never have children. I know I can be selfish, but I don't ever want to be responsible for making a child feel this way. Talk about feeling insignificant. Not the first time and let me tell you pulling away, putting up walls doesn't keep it from hurting any less. I don't need this mother fucking validation. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-11 01:23 |
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And I am soooo happy to keep collecting smart people, it's my fave past time!!!! Looks fade... Brains just deteriorate. G.O.D loves me cuz he keeps sending me more!!!!! Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-08 23:29 |
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whiskey war mountain rebellion Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| Date: | 2012-10-08 23:05 |
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just notes tm Molly sims and band name Bible Belt sinners nails in my coffin Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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