I have absolutely no recollection of the songs the band played. Though the place was packed to the rafters, not a single person sticks out in my mind, not even the girl at his side. It didn't occur to me to wonder where the hell Jonathen had gotten to, I only knew I was grateful the world seemed to be leaving us alone.
We were cocooned in this glowing, buffered space that held no room for anyone else. He sat beside me breathing my words, eating the air I exhaled and oh my god my body was poised and tense with the knowing that I wanted him.
I wanted to be on intimate terms with each of his memories. I wanted to know his thoughts about EVERYTHING, I wanted to paint the sillhouette of his dreams on the naked walls of my person. I wanted to imprint myself on of the sway of his bones. And that was no good, it wouldn't do at all. He was sitting with his girlfriend and she was more than a date, that was apparent to me from the first.
( Read more...Collapse )A year or so later, Jonathen called me and asked me to go with him to see Tower of Power. He had recently begun attending a local college in order to pursue his degree in music. He warned me ahead of time that he fully expected to run into a bunch of people from school and would need to do some networking. Any hopes of romance between us had long since faded, the respect we had shown one another and the damage control we had done together added in cementing our friendship and trust. We had a great friendship and I was looking forward to seeing him again.
The venue where the band was playing had a layout that was reminiscent to me of a school gymnasium. Bleacher type seats were stacked from floor to ceiling on one side and the stage and dance floor lay opposite these with a bar on either end of the room. Immediately upon arriving J spotted a friend from school sitting about a quarter of the way up the bleachers with his girlfriend. We made our way over and Jonathen said hello and made quick introductions. His friend shifted over to make room for us and within moments Jonathen had flitted off to greet another group of friends sitting further down. I didn't mind in the least. Jonathen and I are very similar in that regard; social butterflies at these type of things, flitting here and there, feeling discomfort only when we are required at length to sit still.
( Read more...Collapse )some nights the moonlight slips inside of me
and I become silver
as though I have drunk wildly from the nightjar's milk
Jonathen is a heart friend of mine, a boy from a neighboring high school. I adored him. He is funny, honest and smart; a talented musician and a very, very cool person to hang with. We met about through a mutual friend,"Chili who was his childhood side kick and the three of us quickly became inseparable.
My house was a frequent pitstop of theirs centered close to their usual watering hole, a pub that had a great dj and dance floor. I can't count the number of Sunday nights we sat in the kitchen of my cheap little two bedroom garden suite ,played backgammon and drank tea while listening as Chili lamented over the dozens of women "that had gotten away". Countless wee hours they woke me at 3 am when I missed cavorting with them at some night club and they demanded tomato soup and grilled cheese while they bent my ear about the night or the early mornings they stumbled in still drunk or hung over more than a little disheveled to make me coffee while I sat laughing at their antics.
( Read more...Collapse )Ryan is dying. He was the first man other than my brother who I felt loved me. I have my suspicions at this point in my life that it was puppy love but he was my boyfriend through five of the most pivotal years in my youth and during much of that time he was an anchor for me. I wonder if he knows it?
I'd been through so much- 42 surgeries between 2 and 12 then experienced intermittent sexual abuse between the ages of 7 and 15 and a stepfather who played a lot of emotional mind games. I left home at 15. Way too young. It was hard. Brutally hard to be spinning inside the confusion and yet it was so fucking liberating at the same time because I had rescued myself out of what had long felt untenable. My poor little nervous system.
Then came Ryan. He was soft and clean and kind and full of puppy love and we became best friends as well as going steady. I was his first lover. He wasn't mine but I think he was the first sex I had. I mean most girls will tell you that if they have been abused young they give sex, they don't have it. They might "take" their pleasure but that's still different from receiving and yielding and being truly present- add all the performative bullshit we learn along the way and it's honestly a bit murky in my mind when I actually figured sex out in any sort of authentic present way.
( Read more...Collapse )Some thoughts on safety and our nervous system
Autonomic nervous system- is where every life experience we have begins. It is essentially the heart of our daily living.
Three principles
Neuroception, hierarchy, coregulation
Perception is the thinking part of the brain
Neuroception happens beneath the surface. It is how the nervous system takes in information- below the level of our conscious awareness experience. We are neurocepting cues of safety or danger all the time. Just as our brains are taking in information our nervous system takes in information as well and this is why we often feel a cue of danger even as our brain recognizes in the aftermath of being activated (triggered) we could have managed the situation with boundaries, communication etc.
Neuroception is an inside job ( our nervous system sending us information about our body ( we might get activated by an internal sensation or illness) cues of safety, unsafe welcome warning )
outside environmental listening and in-between pathways- listens between nervous systems- we listen to other peoples nervous systems well (relational listening) This is happening Micromoment to micromoment.
Leading us to hierarchy-when it feels welcome and safe it takes us to ventral- we feel safe connected, regulated reach out, reach in- feel compassion- only available when we feel safe
Ventral vagal state we can bring compassion in, we are in our executive functioning brain and have access to our critical thinking.
Co regulation is the biological need we all have to feel safe and connected with others- its wired into our nervous system. To be in ventral state- means we are centered, calm and can offer and receive connection and safety. We are co- regulating one another all the time. This is why some people feel like home and with certain people we might feel drained or as though we are walking on egg shells.
Trauma creates a hyper vigilant nervous system in which we might neurocept danger through pathways that are out dated danger cues - it creates patterns of protection and defense that we must heal in order to be more at choice and experience access to ventral vagal state of connection.
I kind of think of the nervous system pathways we each have like a walk in the woods- we can see where the animals have created trails because they use them again and again- it is the same with our nervous system. Because an activation comes up in the body, from the nervous system which is beyond our perception ( remember this is running below the surface all the time) the reaction and activation happens so quickly. When we can begin to become aware of our activations and what our nervous system deems a threat that is running of an OLD script we can slow down and bring ourselves from the reptilian triggered part of our brain into the executive function critical thinking part of our brain by asking a question- What is the story I am telling myself about this? Is it true? Feelings are not facts. What am I missing? Can I bring in curiosity and check in about intention or misunderstanding- etc etc. What state did I just get hooked into in my nervous system? Fight, Flight Freeze? Am I fawning? Did I just fall down a wormhole of shame?
This is our point of power. This is where we can unhook from old triggers and we can create new pathways and reference points based on present moment embodied experience. We can practice this noticing, curiosity and choosing in our day to day so it becomes a habit rather than waiting for activation where it is easy to fall into patterns of protection which keep us from connecting and presence. Over time this becomes easier and it is easier for us to zoom out and not be like a tumbleweed in the wind of circumstance or other people's stuff. We can orient ourselves to our needs, our values, our boundaries and begin to really take accountability and artistry in our experience. This is at the heart of what personal empowerment is about.
Autonomic nervous system- is where every life experience we have begins. It is essentially the heart of our daily living.
Three principles
Neuroception, hierarchy, coregulation
Perception is the thinking part of the brain
Neuroception happens beneath the surface. It is how the nervous system takes in information- below the level of our conscious awareness experience. We are neurocepting cues of safety or danger all the time. Just as our brains are taking in information our nervous system takes in information as well and this is why we often feel a cue of danger even as our brain recognizes in the aftermath of being activated (triggered) we could have managed the situation with boundaries, communication etc.
Neuroception is an inside job ( our nervous system sending us information about our body ( we might get activated by an internal sensation or illness) cues of safety, unsafe welcome warning )
outside environmental listening and in-between pathways- listens between nervous systems- we listen to other peoples nervous systems well (relational listening) This is happening Micromoment to micromoment.
Leading us to hierarchy-when it feels welcome and safe it takes us to ventral- we feel safe connected, regulated reach out, reach in- feel compassion- only available when we feel safe
Ventral vagal state we can bring compassion in, we are in our executive functioning brain and have access to our critical thinking.
Co regulation is the biological need we all have to feel safe and connected with others- its wired into our nervous system. To be in ventral state- means we are centered, calm and can offer and receive connection and safety. We are co- regulating one another all the time. This is why some people feel like home and with certain people we might feel drained or as though we are walking on egg shells.
Trauma creates a hyper vigilant nervous system in which we might neurocept danger through pathways that are out dated danger cues - it creates patterns of protection and defense that we must heal in order to be more at choice and experience access to ventral vagal state of connection.
I kind of think of the nervous system pathways we each have like a walk in the woods- we can see where the animals have created trails because they use them again and again- it is the same with our nervous system. Because an activation comes up in the body, from the nervous system which is beyond our perception ( remember this is running below the surface all the time) the reaction and activation happens so quickly. When we can begin to become aware of our activations and what our nervous system deems a threat that is running of an OLD script we can slow down and bring ourselves from the reptilian triggered part of our brain into the executive function critical thinking part of our brain by asking a question- What is the story I am telling myself about this? Is it true? Feelings are not facts. What am I missing? Can I bring in curiosity and check in about intention or misunderstanding- etc etc. What state did I just get hooked into in my nervous system? Fight, Flight Freeze? Am I fawning? Did I just fall down a wormhole of shame?
This is our point of power. This is where we can unhook from old triggers and we can create new pathways and reference points based on present moment embodied experience. We can practice this noticing, curiosity and choosing in our day to day so it becomes a habit rather than waiting for activation where it is easy to fall into patterns of protection which keep us from connecting and presence. Over time this becomes easier and it is easier for us to zoom out and not be like a tumbleweed in the wind of circumstance or other people's stuff. We can orient ourselves to our needs, our values, our boundaries and begin to really take accountability and artistry in our experience. This is at the heart of what personal empowerment is about.
One of the things I do for a living is teach people how to manage crisis. Sometimes this elicits the idea that there is a magical answer that will make everything feel better, unfortunately this is just not so. Crisis is another word for Chaos and much like nature is imbued with mystery and cannot be contained with our usual sense of competency. Crisis demands to be patiently worked through. Crisis and Chaos usually involve what is called an initiation or descent by archetypal enthusiasts. It is soul work and when approached by the ego or intellect typically spins us out into ever widening circles of vigilance, tension and l discomfort.
The emotions we feel during a crisis are often the first step in the process of forfeiting an old way of life and reorganizing oneself. We grieve. If we are in the stage of grief where we are in denial or angry, pushing away the truth of what is happening or if we are not in the habit of allowing our more uncomfortable emotions, we remain stuck. Francis Weller who wrote, The Wild Edge of Sorrow” says, we cannot grieve for that which is outside our worth. This means that if we judge a certain feeling to be a sign of weakness (most of us have “learned” this with at least one feeling) or we do not see ourselves our experience, (our feelings as being worthy of our full attention and welcome embrace by judging them based on the fact that someone else always has it worse than we do), we run the serious risk of staying stuck.
The full process of crisis and the forfeit of what was within our mastery and comfort, our ability to be with all the difficulties truly welcome, the part of ourselves that feel our most unwelcome feelings, the ability to recognize we are experiencing a liminal death to all we have known and loved, IS the way through.
Breaking down and falling apart is a part of moving towards re-centering. It is recognizing the chaotic stages in ourselves and in others. Anger and finger pointing is a way for people to feel powerful for a moment in the chaos and uncertainty. I see these expressions as a form of denial or discomfort with helplessness and vulnerability. High anxiety and perseverating is a way that flight and freeze can show up in a person. Some of us may be projecting- if your partners are experiencing inertia or needy- the inner alarm bells are ringing, “ugh, do something, don’t just sit there” (as though there is a right thing to do). Our sensory and nervous systems are on overdrive, noises are experienced with irritation, we may feel nauseated, we may not want to be touched, we may be moving from one task to another with our bodies and feel as though parts of us are absent. We cannot bear to be still, we cannot bear to have any responsibilities or to be tasked, because we cannot concentrate. We may unveil that all our worth and edges are experienced through interactions with others. Every one of these is worthy of our attention. They have powerful messages that can be experienced and seen as part of our roadmap through.
I taught two workshops this week and in them included the hidden power of compassion. Compassion has come up as a point of interest for researchers and what they found was that when we feel compassion for ourselves and others that the same part of the brain lights up as when we feel COURAGE. They discovered that it activates the dopamine reward centers of the brain (We may think that the reward pathways are all about self interest but in fact they also reinforce generosity and service) and that Oxytocin is released- the hormone that creates a sense of bonding and connection. These all impact and soothe our overwhelmed nervous system.
Compassion is more than “being nice”. Compassion feels like a robust welcome- it has room for whatever is and rather than resisting or tensing to discomfort (dismissing or moving away very quickly), compassion softens and leans in. Compassion is kindness. Compassion is perfect for our current unified crisis because it seeks us to remember that ALL beings suffer, I suffer too. Compassion asks us to be mindful and present which is valuable during crisis because much like like trauma, a hyper aroused nervous system typically disconnects us from the present moment, ourselves and our ability to connect.
In self compassion we offer ourselves grace and unlock permission to hold all of ourselves- especially all that has been outside our circle of worth. We turn to our own inner dialogue and experience with the same kindness, acceptance that “all beings suffer- I suffer too” and as we notice any negative thoughts or judgements that we have, we know that we no longer need to identify with them- we simply observe. There is no need to confuse negative inner dialogue with our actual selves. Compassion is a practice and something we can all do. Through the practice of self compassion we begin to find our way to the foothold of trust.
Trust, like forgiveness is something we give over and over, each time fear and uncertainty arises. Slowly we learn that we can trust that we will know how to be with what is hardest for us to bear and that we will know what our next move is. We learn that our feelings are the way we express what we need to ourselves and in the tending and answer to those needs we build a new foundation. I believe compassion is the first and most powerful tool we have in order to move forward shedding the skin of what was, and who we were as well as creating a scaffold for the vulnerable, raw process of our new and uncertain becoming.
The emotions we feel during a crisis are often the first step in the process of forfeiting an old way of life and reorganizing oneself. We grieve. If we are in the stage of grief where we are in denial or angry, pushing away the truth of what is happening or if we are not in the habit of allowing our more uncomfortable emotions, we remain stuck. Francis Weller who wrote, The Wild Edge of Sorrow” says, we cannot grieve for that which is outside our worth. This means that if we judge a certain feeling to be a sign of weakness (most of us have “learned” this with at least one feeling) or we do not see ourselves our experience, (our feelings as being worthy of our full attention and welcome embrace by judging them based on the fact that someone else always has it worse than we do), we run the serious risk of staying stuck.
The full process of crisis and the forfeit of what was within our mastery and comfort, our ability to be with all the difficulties truly welcome, the part of ourselves that feel our most unwelcome feelings, the ability to recognize we are experiencing a liminal death to all we have known and loved, IS the way through.
Breaking down and falling apart is a part of moving towards re-centering. It is recognizing the chaotic stages in ourselves and in others. Anger and finger pointing is a way for people to feel powerful for a moment in the chaos and uncertainty. I see these expressions as a form of denial or discomfort with helplessness and vulnerability. High anxiety and perseverating is a way that flight and freeze can show up in a person. Some of us may be projecting- if your partners are experiencing inertia or needy- the inner alarm bells are ringing, “ugh, do something, don’t just sit there” (as though there is a right thing to do). Our sensory and nervous systems are on overdrive, noises are experienced with irritation, we may feel nauseated, we may not want to be touched, we may be moving from one task to another with our bodies and feel as though parts of us are absent. We cannot bear to be still, we cannot bear to have any responsibilities or to be tasked, because we cannot concentrate. We may unveil that all our worth and edges are experienced through interactions with others. Every one of these is worthy of our attention. They have powerful messages that can be experienced and seen as part of our roadmap through.
I taught two workshops this week and in them included the hidden power of compassion. Compassion has come up as a point of interest for researchers and what they found was that when we feel compassion for ourselves and others that the same part of the brain lights up as when we feel COURAGE. They discovered that it activates the dopamine reward centers of the brain (We may think that the reward pathways are all about self interest but in fact they also reinforce generosity and service) and that Oxytocin is released- the hormone that creates a sense of bonding and connection. These all impact and soothe our overwhelmed nervous system.
Compassion is more than “being nice”. Compassion feels like a robust welcome- it has room for whatever is and rather than resisting or tensing to discomfort (dismissing or moving away very quickly), compassion softens and leans in. Compassion is kindness. Compassion is perfect for our current unified crisis because it seeks us to remember that ALL beings suffer, I suffer too. Compassion asks us to be mindful and present which is valuable during crisis because much like like trauma, a hyper aroused nervous system typically disconnects us from the present moment, ourselves and our ability to connect.
In self compassion we offer ourselves grace and unlock permission to hold all of ourselves- especially all that has been outside our circle of worth. We turn to our own inner dialogue and experience with the same kindness, acceptance that “all beings suffer- I suffer too” and as we notice any negative thoughts or judgements that we have, we know that we no longer need to identify with them- we simply observe. There is no need to confuse negative inner dialogue with our actual selves. Compassion is a practice and something we can all do. Through the practice of self compassion we begin to find our way to the foothold of trust.
Trust, like forgiveness is something we give over and over, each time fear and uncertainty arises. Slowly we learn that we can trust that we will know how to be with what is hardest for us to bear and that we will know what our next move is. We learn that our feelings are the way we express what we need to ourselves and in the tending and answer to those needs we build a new foundation. I believe compassion is the first and most powerful tool we have in order to move forward shedding the skin of what was, and who we were as well as creating a scaffold for the vulnerable, raw process of our new and uncertain becoming.
Clarissa pinkola writes that the doors of the wild self are precious. “If you have a deep scar that is a door. If you have an old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and water and the earth so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper, fuller life that is a door. The invitation in life is to fling open the door and slip into the skin of your wild self. Doors hold the Essence of mystery separating two distinct states. They are a barrier or boundary that must be negotiated before the threshold can be crossed. What is beyond is hidden from sight by the closed door and something must be relinquished or an action must be taken so that the truth can be revealed. Doors and doorways are invitations- an opportunity or potential. When I travel doors are a visual@meditation reminding me to heed the call of adventure because they shepherd me from one evolution of myself to the next- reminding me no matter how much the heart aches in this life that the wild and untamed life on the threshold is where we are most fully alive. Where are the doors and thresholds in your life. Where do you need to take a step forward and relinquish or take action. What holds you from doing so?This morning- this was my view. Finally in Crete after days of travelling snafus. Here, in Greece, I wake up with eyes ready to fall in love with everything.
Oh live journal, Ive neglected you. I've had a schedule full of teaching and clients and house chores and I've been arguing most days with my old friend, anxiety. I won't go into all the boring details of why, so much of it isn't even mine- ( grown child with a broken heart, deadlines for taxes and contention between siblings)
I do have some weird things going on with my feet which is disconcerting. I have spent a life time relishing being barefoot whenever possible and I love to walk. This late summer I was in the garden and thought a bee stung me in the arch of my foot but shortly after I had a little lump in my arch and then suddenly had plantar fasciitis which is a painful pain in the butt for someone like me who loves walking and who likes to spend most of my time out of shoes.
Fast forward a few weeks later and I was working out and my other foot started hurting on the ball of my foot- it was excruciating as though I had pulled a muscle and my doctor said oh, you have metatarsalgia. That is healing up well but Ive decided, henceforth, my feet will be referred to as Byron and Shelly after the frail and fragile romantic poets. So annoyed. If anyone else has a planters fibroma ( scar tissue nodule on the tendon of their arch) and fasciitis please tell me what has helped you.
My work place had an end of summer graduation party for staff and students and the theme was circus and vaudeville! There were prizes for costumes a magician and a hypnotist and clown. It was wonderful ( all online) My costume was cloud in a starry night sky. Ive attached a couple of photos. I wish I could always be in costume, it is a type of whimsy that makes me so happy.
I have butterflies in my tummy as we countdown to our trip. We leave for Greece Tuesday and will be gone for three long months. I have so much packing, work and a few appointments before we go. Tell me, what do you do on long flights to pass the time and not be anxious. I don't mind flying but I do not like being trapped with a bunch of other people in smallish spaces. What do you like to do? So far I have a book, crosswords, cards to play with D, I looked up some yoga I can do sitting on long flights and I have some herbal calm supplements. Do you get nervous flying? What works for you? I think one of the problems is that its hard for a person with anxiety to differentiate between anxiety and excitement! Ive missed you, LJ friends. I hope life is being kind to you.
Cloud in starry night sky pictures from Circus work party.
I do have some weird things going on with my feet which is disconcerting. I have spent a life time relishing being barefoot whenever possible and I love to walk. This late summer I was in the garden and thought a bee stung me in the arch of my foot but shortly after I had a little lump in my arch and then suddenly had plantar fasciitis which is a painful pain in the butt for someone like me who loves walking and who likes to spend most of my time out of shoes.
Fast forward a few weeks later and I was working out and my other foot started hurting on the ball of my foot- it was excruciating as though I had pulled a muscle and my doctor said oh, you have metatarsalgia. That is healing up well but Ive decided, henceforth, my feet will be referred to as Byron and Shelly after the frail and fragile romantic poets. So annoyed. If anyone else has a planters fibroma ( scar tissue nodule on the tendon of their arch) and fasciitis please tell me what has helped you.
My work place had an end of summer graduation party for staff and students and the theme was circus and vaudeville! There were prizes for costumes a magician and a hypnotist and clown. It was wonderful ( all online) My costume was cloud in a starry night sky. Ive attached a couple of photos. I wish I could always be in costume, it is a type of whimsy that makes me so happy.
I have butterflies in my tummy as we countdown to our trip. We leave for Greece Tuesday and will be gone for three long months. I have so much packing, work and a few appointments before we go. Tell me, what do you do on long flights to pass the time and not be anxious. I don't mind flying but I do not like being trapped with a bunch of other people in smallish spaces. What do you like to do? So far I have a book, crosswords, cards to play with D, I looked up some yoga I can do sitting on long flights and I have some herbal calm supplements. Do you get nervous flying? What works for you? I think one of the problems is that its hard for a person with anxiety to differentiate between anxiety and excitement! Ive missed you, LJ friends. I hope life is being kind to you.
Cloud in starry night sky pictures from Circus work party.
. Oh hello again,
I picked up a knitting project that required me to knit in the round. I had just completed a shawl that had taken six months and measured, upon completion, almost seven feet and hadn't knit in the round for a long time.
I decided to try my hand at double pointed needles with a long tail cast on. After several attempts, I put them aside, exasperated. I couldn't make it work with so many bamboo needle ends pointing out everywhere and I kept forgetting the order of the next needle. Re-aquainting myself with knitting in the round has been a bit of a challenge too. I think I have pandemic brain and keep looking at the knitting when I pick it up, trying to make sense of it... wondering if it is backwards, forgetting what is next or which needle I'm to knit on and which stitch. Frustrating. Ive started and stopped a number of projects raveling and unravelling over and over again. Sort of like the rest of me.
I leave for Greece in one month today. I feel such mixed feelings about the trip. It feels like such a privilege to be able to escape. Let me explain a little, if I can.
To me, it feels like between the current political climate, the extent of the racism that came to light, the constant dissension, denial and contention amongst people about the virus and vaccinations and well, lets just say it; absolutely everything, the existential dread and anxiety of covid that we are choking on the energetic air here in the USA. It is so thick and so full of disappointment and disillusion and contention that even those of us who are not sick with the virus are suffocating on the absolute bullshit of everything at the moment. I work with a lot of highly sensitive and empathic people and they feel it most of all.
Honestly, if you are wondering why your anxiety and or depression or your overthinking brain is so much worse and frustrated or scrambling or beating yourself up about it, would you do something for me, please? Just try it and see if you feel a little better.
Put the palm of your hand on your chest somewhere it feels comfortable. Maybe in the center, just below where your collar bone meets. Find a sweet spot to rest your palm flat and when your palm is well rested on your chest bring some attention to the weight and sensation of your warm palm on your chest. Take a breath. Inhale a little longer as though you are sighing and on the exhale imagine your nervous system following the exhale. As your breath falls feel yourself settling and soothing in your body. Your exhale is what roots you and your inhale lifts your life energy. Now that you have some attention and focus on your breath and your palm bring some kindness and compassion in. This is our new normal, yes. But I want to remind you that there is nothing normal about what is happening in the world right now and we are all in it. Humans are so adaptable and we have to live with how things are in the moment and you are doing the best job holding what would have been unfathomable three years ago that you are able to do right now.You are doing hard things. You are still working and waking up each day and creating and socializing the best you and tending to your daily responsibilities and children and family and your other human concerns and there is a world pandemic and many people are dying or have lost someone and those who haven't are confused by the mixed messages of our government and media and are afraid or feeling uncertain or wondering if they are being manipulated and it isn't just here or us, it is in every newspaper in every country. And it is totally valid and normal to be anxious or struggling and grappling with uncertainty and grief and frustration, feeling like you are spinning your wheels or any other emotion that flows through. Let them flow. Bring some kindness to yourself because this is unprecedented in our lifetime and it's ok not to be strong and acting like everything is like any other day every day. I worry about people that do that- like Dude? Really? You can let that shit go for a minute and sit in the holy shit, can I just wake up from this dream now feeling once in a blue moon.
Just take a moment to rest your palm on your chest breathe and say, good job, you are working so hard and you got this even if it doesn't always feel like it.
I have no idea how knitting fit in with this or travel- maybe all these different feelings that come up around our current state of affairs are like the stupid double pointed needles sticking out everywhere- I don't know how to work around them, it feels clumsy and I never know which one to knit next and get things twisted and backward and the travel part is knowing that while it is a huge privilege to leave here there is no escaping what is everywhere- that it will be a different energy yes, depending on how the country is faring and how it's people come together or disperse when there is a crisis. Maybe Im just ready to feel and learn something different. I ache for a unity we can't seem to pull together here. It feels like some sort of great cultural and communal connection has been lost and my anxious attachment alarm is going off. Over and over I seek words for something but because it is so unfamiliar and unprecedented I don't have a reference point. You see, our immune systems don't recognize covid and that is why it's suppose to be so bad for some of us but we don't have reference points for how to navigate what is happening even if we can look at history books or reflect on the aids epidemic this is its own thing and it is normal for humans to be completely discombobulated when we don't have a reference point- the mind keeps searching for something that isn't there and this is part of what contributes to our sense of unease.
There are places I arrive that make me feel a certain way- connect me with a longing so deep, and so old, it feels as thought it must be an imprint on the very fabric of my being. I think this longing is a collective feeling we are all on intimate terms with, even if what has been evocative is unique to each of us. This place brought that forth and I wanted to capture the moment even if I couldn't stay freeze framed indefinitely in what felt like so much sweetness. The fading summer, the fragrance, like tired honey emanating from the grasses, so many flowers, all gone to seed. A moments peace. The ebbing sun. Another day of asking; how is it possible to be so grateful and so weary and sad all at once in this little body of bones and oft times too full heart.
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