smileygem

Copied from a website the ones which I feel

If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...

 

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. Just now I am figuring out who I am
3. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
4. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
5. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
6. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
7. There are so many things I wish I could say
8. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
9. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
10. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
11. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
12. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
13. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
14. I cry when no one is around
15. I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
16. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
17. I want to make a difference in the world
18. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
19. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
20. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head 
21. My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
22. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
23. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
24. I miss my parents like mad
25. I feel there's an empty hole in me
26. Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating
27. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
28. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
29. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
30. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
31. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
32. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
33. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
34. I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
35. I'm afraid I won't be a good mom
36. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
37. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
38. I don't want you to give up on me
39. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
40. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
41. I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
42. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
43. I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
44. I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
45. I love you even when you don't think I do
46. I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
47. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
48. I am scared shitless because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
49. I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
50. I need help believing in myself
51. I am holding on to my faith and my belief in God
52. I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
53. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
54. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
55. I won't ever measure up to "you"
56. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably

smileygem

Every time I resolve to write more on here, I never do.
So now my resolve is to write if I want to, about anything I want to.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about trying to regain my relationship with God, and about the local churches here. I have these ideas and thoughts all the time and I never say them to anyone, maybe I should?

I want church to be exciting, challenging, touching, friendly and many other things yet most of the time I find it is stand up sit down, sing hymns boring. I dont want to leave the methodist church - I am sure I am here for a reason but what is it? In a church that relies on SO many meetings how can someone who doesnt even go most of the time change anything? How can I make them see that this generation and younger want to connect with God desperately but need to do so in the ways which come naturaly to them, so that worship is an extension of themselves and their personalities, not a formal traditional pattern which they just take part in on a sunday. I think the history of the church is great but do you really think that the heights of my amazement at the creator of the universe dying for me can be expressed by singing hymns I dont even understand?! I need to keep this yearning alive, but I Also want to be doing something about it.

Today I've been reading about 24/7 prayer and I found a beautiful poem about it by someone called Lisa Borden

WITHOUT CEASING

And this is how we pray
Backs nestled into the hammock
Faces turned toward the stars
The warm air lifts against us
And we are quiet, quiet
As you, God, speak to us
About how big you are

And this is how we pray
Sitting on the leaf strewn ground
Peering across the pattern of sun and shade
The clear pool under the giant fig
Where the monitor lizard slips through the water
And we whisper our worshipful thanks
Again and again

And this is how we pray
Standing in the kitchen
Speaking out the worries in our minds
Telling this perfect parent God
Just how small our faith feels
Conscious of how sweetly ludicrous
Our doubts must appear

And this is how we pray
Curled into our duvets
Safely tucked in on this wind blown night
Thoughts far from here
With our friends who sit in vigil
Waiting for a precious life to pass
Maybe even tonight

And this is how we pray
With longing
And with hope
With stress
And with joy
With daring
And with simple words

I also found a really interesting and thought provoking video
http://www.beyondrelevance.com/index.cfm/pageid/913/postid/24/index.html#e5059
 

smileygem

I know I have just posted but as this is a different topic I thougt a different post would be better. I have been seeing a counsellor and talking a lot about pacing. The pattern of my fibro has changed recently from going steadily worse when I have a flare to sudden violent swings into flares and Im not sure whats causing it. She has suggested that the cause and effect of possibly overdoing it some days maybe is accumulating without me realising it and to try to keep track of what I do and my pain levels
Can anyone recommend a kind of chart or anything for an activity/pain diary?
Or any resources on pacing?