Confessions of a Coffee Junkie

Why do memories have to hurt so much???

I have started going though boxes to get rid of things I don't want or need to make it easier for me and him both to move (me back to the south, him back to the UK if he chooses). I found a box with a bunch of cards in it and one that Giles sent me, just to read how much he loved me then, and compare it with how he acts towards me now makes me cry. He says this is just natural and that relationships just fizzle out like this, but I don't think they do, or should.

Maybe I just don't know what Love is, maybe all my relationships have been forms of love but not the real thing, I don't know, but I know this relationship is not a good place for me. I know that we both made mistakes and we both let our love die along the way, and maybe we both tried, but didn't try at the same time, or didn't try hard enough. I just know that I don't have it in me to try anymore.

My flight and rental car were booked a few weeks ago, I'm now more than ready for my trip home. I will be landing in Atlanta on Thursday 1/6 at 10:30 and spending the day and evening seeing some of my friends there. It's been to long since I've seen some of them.

I am really looking forward to my trip because it's a break for me from everything. No husband, no dog or cat, no work!! Of course things with the husband are getting worse, I've about given up hope of them ever changing. I am just unable to forgive him for choosing a friendship over our marriage. I don't know how to even justify that in my head enough that I might be able to forgive it. I don't think I was in the wrong to ask him to stop talking to the woman he fell in love with and said that he wanted to be with her more than me. He says I didn't have a right to ask that of him because they were just friends at that point, even though it had only been a few weeks since he told me to call her and tell her we were over so that he could be with her.

I just can't forgive him, and I don't really know where that leaves this relationship. So I'm looking forward to the time away from him to really think about what I want, and where I want to go with this.

I've not been on here in so long and it seems like sonsof2ravens is the only friend I have left that actually posts here on a regular basis but I am in sore need of an outlet of thoughts, and feelings and emotions. It's been 7 months now since we moved to New York and at first I loved it. In some ways I still do, but right now I'm hating it with all my heart. I'm so far away from all my family and friends, and I just throw myself into working to pass the time. I didn't realize that's what I was doing until I was talking to a friend last night and he asked if I had seen any friends or family for Thanksgiving? I wanted to cry! I just said no. I don't have any real friends here that I would hang out with on a regular basis. I have one lady that I have coffee with every now and then, but no one like my best friends that I could just spend the afternoon with and be myself, let down my guard.

So what all has been going on in my life??? Well let's see...

xtown_traffic is enjoying working again. It's good to see him feel like he can do things on his own again. His health is getting a bit worse for wear but we are dealing with matters as best we can. He will be going on Dialysis soon we just don't know when it will start but he has already had the surgery to put the port in so that when it's time it's ready to go.

Our relationship is still very rocky. He seems to think everything is fine no matter how many times I tell him I need things to change. I still don't feel like he loves me any more. He has not changed the way he behaves towards me since he fell in love with Abby. That may have been the death of our marriage as I can't seem to get past him telling me he wanted to leave me to be with her. It's been over 1.5 years since The stuff with Abby started, but I just can't let it go.

My work is going good! I'm walking dogs on a regular basis, as well as doing training, and teaching classes. I'm learning so much from Sherri. She is the owner of the facility where I teach classes - I even have my own Rally class which I LOVE!!!! I can't believe how lucky I am to have been able to learn from her. She has a very holistic approach to everything, and trains with the dogs best interests at heart. Which is what I love about training. I thought I was a positive trainer in Atlanta, but working with her, I have learned so many better ways of teaching things that make the dogs feel much more safe and secure. I'm so thrilled to be working for her. Now I'm starting to pick up some hours in her daycare as well and I just love being there. I think I could go up there all day everyday if I didn't have other things to do.

I'm teaching Taz to do scent work and that's not going so well, I think Chihuahuas have forgotten how to use their noses. Sherri has Chihuahuas too and her little boy Bailey is having the same problems Taz is so I don't think it's just him. I've got to find a better way of working with him.

We are going to a holistic vet on Monday because Taz's behavior is just getting worse and worse. I also had a car accident about a month ago which totaled my jeep and I think that Taz may have gotten hurt in the accident. I tried to give him a bath the other night and while he has never liked his baths he has NEVER tried to attack me during one before so that was something really out of character for him.

I'm really homesick, but thankfully I'm going home in January for Daddy's birthday and I can't wait! I've even gotten to the point of listening to country music because I'm so homesick. (that's all my dad has ever listened to, and what I grew up listening to) I'm sure that this being the first holiday in about 10 years that I've not had the option of going home if I wanted, has a lot to do with it.

I'm so frustrated with myself, my body, and my doctor's office. My doctor in Atlanta was sure that I had either a Thyroid issue or PCOS so she tested my Thyroid and it tested low. She put me on some meds and I started feeling like I had a bit more energy to attack my very busy lifestyle. The other symptoms didn't really go away but seemed to lesson a bit.

Then Giles and I went through our rough spot, I got horribly depressed and quit eating for a while. I lost nearly 20lbs I was happy with the loss but not with how it happened. We started trying to put our life back together and the depression got worse and I put the weight back on.

Moved to Rochester went to see a new doctor to get my thyroid meds refilled, and here they don't use the same testing scale so my thyroid is borderline normal. WTH??? So no meds. We talk about me being more active and eating less. I try to explain to her that I diet all the time, and I am always on the go... hello... dog trainer and dog walker!!!!

I tell her about the "biggest loser" stint I did in Atlanta with a friend I worked with at one of the Kennels, High protein diet, 1.5 hours at the gym 4 days a week for 6 months... I lost 3 lbs

So I go away feeling like I had to try again to show this doctor I was telling her the truth. So I start walking with Taz, 1 mile a day a couple of times a week turns to 3 mile hikes 3 to 4 times a week. I go back to the doctor after 2 months to find.... I've gained 9lbs!!!! What the hell???? I went back to the doctor only she had gone on maternity leave and I had to see her partner who told me I needed to look at Gastric bypass, sugar free candy, and see a nutritionalist. I left her office in tears.

Another friend from Atlanta tells me that I'm doing to much Cardio and I need to stop, and try this diet she did, the Paleo diet. It was great, I loved it. It took me about a week to detox from the carbs but after a week of not having them I really didn't want them. I lost nearly 15lbs in the first 2 weeks. But Giles HATES this diet and I get tired of hearing him complain. His parents come over for a visit in the summer and I stopped the diet to make it easier for us to have meals together and Giles was not doing so well so we wanted to cook things that we knew he would eat. Anyway they left and I never really went back on the diet because of Giles not liking it.

I picked up 2 regular dog walking clients and started walking their dogs 5 days a week, I'm now back to my 3 miles a day a few times a week. I'm going to try to add in the treadmill so I can up that a bit and see if that does anything. I've also joined weight watchers but I'm not having much luck with that either. I never use all of my points and rack up tons of activity points but who knows.

Anyway I went back to the doctor last week to be tested for the PCOS and the good part of the visit was that I'd lost 14lbs since my last visit. Yaye me!! Then I get a call yesterday that says my tests came back.... yep... you guessed it... normal

Something is wrong, but I can't figure out what. My friend Jamie suggested maybe it's my metabolism. I think I need to do the no carb thing again because my body just stores every carb I have. Part of PCOS is insulin Resistance and that's what your body does, it doesn't process any of the sugar you have in your body it just keeps storing it. I just don't know what to do next.

A girl that I work with at the coffee shop told me about this cool record shop downtown that we had to go to when we ventured onto the subject of music and she asked if I ever listened to vinyl and I told her that xtown_traffic LOVES records!!! So yesterday afternoon we went off in search of Bop Shop Records.



We found it hidden down this little ally, behind these beautiful huge iron gates. The shop was nice but they need to find a better way to organize the front of the shop. I finally got tired of trying to find my way around the broken up groupings of records and asked for the classical section and we were taken back to the mother load. Giles was very happy with our find from yesterday and we came home with 6 new classical records for him and will venture back at some point to look for some jazz and blues for me.

On the way home we decided the most important thing we could do was find a coffee shop and get something to drink, I'd taken a nap after work and meeting with new clients and had not gotten anything to drink before we left. We passed this little place on Park Ave called Roam Cafe and stopped in to read over the back of our newest editions while enjoying our coffee. When we sat down at a table the guy comes over and asks if we want a menu so we take one and find they have a nice little Italian menu. We ordered Gnocchi with Bolognese sauce, and said that we would share it. The waiter was very nice and and said he would have them put it on two plates for us so that it would be easier for us to share.

When it came out not only did it look wonderful and smell just as good. I made a comment about how I was glad we decided to share it instead of ordering one each and the waiter said that the cook was "generous" with the portions for us. The coffee that we went in for wasn't that good, but the Gnocchi more than made up for it.

When we got home I went to look at their website and got very confused, they are a scooter repair shop!!!!! WHAT?????

Oh well it was a wonderful afternoon / evening. Today I'm going to help Giles get his quilt sewn together and ready for the binding to go around the edges when our bias tape maker gets here and then he will be ready to enter it into the "Men Quilt Too" contest. http://www.pigtalesandquilts.com/2011/08/men-quilt-too-quilt-show-oct-1-15-2011.html

Right... Time for another cup of coffee

Stay away from that boy!!! He is nothing but trouble and you will regret for the rest of your life the trouble and heartache that will come your way while with him.

They say that children are free entertainment, well that holds true for 4-legged children too!!!



This morning we got up early, still trying to get used to xtown_traffic's new work schedule. After sitting at my desk gazing at my computer for nearly an hour trying to function while drinking my first cup of coffee, I noticed that Tazie's bed beside my desk was empty. After checking on the sofa for him I realized that the lazy bum was still in the bed, but as I went into the bedroom to get ready to go I didn't see him laying on the bed. When I got closer to the bed I could see what you see in the photo... Just his nose sticking out from under the covers. He is such a ham he really does get me though the day sometimes.

I've been working a LOT lately and really need to think about my priorities. I'm trying to establish myself as a trainer here in Rochester and work on starting my own business. I'm working part time in a Coffee Shop to help bring in some more income while building my business. I also took on a trainer position with a Pit Bull Rescue group here which requires me to teach a class once a week and work with their fosters one on one, and on top of that I also took a position with another trainer in the area to help her teach her classes. This would all be great and really is, but the other trainer hasn't really talked about paying me. I don't know if she thinks I'm doing this as a volunteer thing, or what. I'm going to have to talk to her next week when I go back and tell her I have to open up some of my time to make some money and work with some of my clients instead of spending all my time teaching her classes. I do enjoy it and it's great for me as a young trainer to have another trainer to look up to, but I've also got to make a living.

Other than that not much has changed since my last post.

I feel like I'm in that place where everything is starting to close in on me again. I'm so unhappy with my life but I just don't know how to change or fix it. I'm still building my career and taking a few steps in the right direction I just have to give it time to see if it plays out the way I want it to or not. It's hard to build my own business when I don't have any established clients or word of mouth, or enough money to really sink into advertising. So I'm working with another trainer observing her classes for now to see if she thinks I can teach classes with her. I'll know more about that in a week or two.

I'm also working non-profit for a Pit Bull rescue group. Helping bully breads to get in and stay in a good home is something that I'm pretty passionate about after working with the End dog fighting group in Atlanta.

I'm trying to get out of my depressive funk, it's throwing me off of everything. I have no inclination to go and do anything. Poor Tazie has hardly been out for a good walk in about 2 months. I've decided to try and do Weight Watchers and see how that works for me. Something has to help me get motivated to get healthier.

So I know I've not posted in a while but I've been really overwhelmed as of late. The Hubby is having some medical issues, not ones that we didn't know were bound to come up but still they are hard when they come around. He is diabetic and has lost most of his vision over the last 4 years that we have been married. We have been battling this and his high blood pressure. We knew a couple of years ago that his Kidney's were slowing down but without having insurance we didn't know what kind of condition they were in. He is now in Stage 5 Kidney Disease and we are having to talk about doing Dialysis, thankfully there is now an option where you can do it at home. We don't know for sure when that will have to start, but he has to have blood tests every two weeks from now on so that his Kidney doctor can watch the levels to know when to start it.

His Dr wanted him to have a kidney ultrasound last week so we went for that and then I got a call on Monday that he has a mass in his bladder that they want a better look at and will take a biopsy if they need to. All of this on top of the daily struggle with his sugar and blood pressure and loss of vision and me trying to build my own training business and it's just really more than I feel like I can handle.

We did have a lovely visit with Mum and Dad (Giles' parents) at the end of June. They stayed for three days and we went on some local day trips. It was a lot of fun.


My favorite trip was to Niagara Falls which is where I snapped the above picture from the top of the observation deck. That trip was really hard on Giles though.

I've also started working at a coffee shop again and I'm loving that. I always enjoyed working at the bookstore coffee shop, what better place for a java junkie to be right?

I have been doing these dog walks for some of my clients since I moved to Rochester, NY and started dog training on my own. Today we went out to Seneca Zoo Park and Walked along the Genesee River gorge overlook. We had a short walk only 1.7 miles because of the heat. We didn't want to cause any of the dogs to have a heat stroke, but it was a nice walk.

Tazie has been camped out on the sofa since we got home. I however went out to the pool for a while to cool off and enjoy the sun. I spent an hour swimming laps with my pool buddy Jon. Laid out in the sun for a bit and then when I couldn't take the screaming kids anymore I decided to come back inside.

I had a meeting at 4:30 with a Pit Bull rescue group called Pitty Love about offering my training services to them, and they were very happy with my ideas. So it looks like I will be working with them to help get their foster dogs trained to give them a better chance to get a home. I may have also gotten a dog walking client out of the deal as well so I'm happy with that.

After a quick run to the grocery store I made chicken pot pie for dinner, and now I'm on the sofa with Taz and ready for bed.