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LiveJournal for newoctoberissue.
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| Monday, May 14th, 2007 |
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crazy |
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| Wednesday, April 25th, 2007 |
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so the other night i was on zanax for the first REAL time. I've done it once before. no real affect then cause i did a kleidapin also so i dunno... i snorted two lines of the zanni and tookthree pills i don't remember anything. i was an hour and a half late going home and they said my dad picked me up. they just thought i was sick. i don't remember any of that. my friends told me everything then i did some snow tonight police ran in. by that time it was gone. they ruined my geek. when we saw the flashlights i rinsed the plate we used and stuck the razer in my underwear. the apartment i was at was supposed to be vacant but my buddy showed them the papers. i just snuck back into my house and just got off the phone with my buddy luckily I'm 18 so they let me off scott free and two of my friends had to have their parents pick them up. they found nothing there. it was scary. and aventurous night. I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and try to go to bed if the snow ain't giving me too much of a chill to stay up. peace |
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| Tuesday, March 27th, 2007 |
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I sit in front of this computer a broken woman. my heart is broken. I haven't been laid in there weeks. I can't go to a place that was really important to me that I completely fucked up. I sit in shame from it. my dad is a target to a dumbass illegal immigrant and so is my family and I'm left carless cause my dad's car is fucked up because of the dumbass mechanics and he has to drive my car. then I'm told I need to go to rehab. whatever. plus I only have 3 cigarettes left. being geeked last night sucked. it was nice at first when i was watching scrubs but then it makes you think and you get a bit of paranoia. I bawled oer him again. i do everyday. i had a bad dream about him and her. gosh i wanna punch her. i make her cry a lot. it satisfies me. it makes me feel like I'm getting justice for everything she's done to me in the past 3 years. my psychologist says that he makes me feel abandoned. that he abandoned me. that i put my trust in him and he left me. my psychologist asked me "he treats you horribly. why do you still go after him?" i told her "cause, it's my fault." she said, "what is?" I told her, "I'm controlling. i know i am. I tried controlling him, but only cause i knew i had none and i didn't trust him. i told her i did drugs and he didn't want me to. Now everyday i live with that. I pushed him away. I mean... he helps with little league baseball. church camp in the summer, he is smart, funny, plays lacrosse, musically talented, and so good looking. he was perfect." My heart feels heavier everyday. I lose more weight everyday. I indulge myself and more recreational drugs everyday. and i hide it all behind a smile and a mask of optimism. how could he look into my tear filled eyes after telling me for the past year he cared and turned away. everyday i still tell him. everyday i still wait for him. everyday i still love him. and he knows that. but he doesn't care. he cares about nothing but that whore. and i can only do one thing. hate. |
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2007 |
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I used to send music to my boy all the time and this is one of the songs I've played for him a long long long long time ago. I still love this song. i suck though so bear through it. I'm a musician, I know where I've fucked up so don't criticize or I'll cry. the four of us took balloons from red robin with helium in them....."OH MY GOD....""OH MY GOD""Let's go back and take the rest of the balloons." listen for that at the end. oh shit... a shit load of people here at a motel party. I wouldn't drink my mike's hard so a buddy of mine hassled me about it and said to stop looking like a fucking colgate sommercial and you can hear me and my homegirl ranting about america... haha me and two homegirls.... watching a train go by..... listen to how straight my buddy is as she follows my count.... <3 |
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I figrued I'd take a break and write about hte crazy shit that has happened this week. I've gotten fucked up. everyday. pills grass hot water it feels great. i forget everything and i feel nothing. so jessica and i spent an hour talking to a table. haha it's a long story, we were realyl talking. she and i tried stealing balloons from the neighborhood sign for some adolescence fun. haha i ws funny. sedated i turned around from my drivers seat to monitor her craftsmanship and i see her head following the balloons to the sky and i tilt my head and curiousity when i noticed.... when she cut the line to the helium balloons she was holding the wrong end of the string and they flew off..... jessica knocked over a rack of clothes at walmart. then stepped on my heel. whitni and i tried to take the balloons again.... whitni freaked out and let them go. she didn't want to go to jail? for theft of balloons? we went to red robin. took balloons there. I should post up the sound file for that. haha I need to post a lot of sound files. we made my tent in the backyard yesterday in a form of a 'steamroom' and then the boys went to the backyard and swung on the vines. I danced like crazy this week partying and 'bringing the house down' went to a concert haha that was amazing. i had to leave though. cause my friend working there said i will prolly get people in trouble even thuogh this floating smell was not me. PROMISE i can't remember anything else but i want to download those files. and I'll post them later. peace out homies <3333 |
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| Wednesday, February 21st, 2007 |
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i hate staying the night at my place. i wake up alone every morning. i swear i am walking down the streets and ever since urtis and i aren't together it's like a huge neon sign over my head just illuminating the town exploiting my availability like a motel room or something.     VACANCY VACANCY VACANCY NOT TAKEN!!    and it was nice at first, the rebound attention. but it gets annoying after a while. i exchanged numbers about 7 times this week and been asked on two dates which i declined politely. i find myself crying more and more now. breakups never kick my ass this badly. i can't stand to hear anything about him around me. ok well... secretly.... I made him a valentine.... shit someone poor me a fucking shot of gin and something to chase cause mother fuckers i need to get fucked up tonight. i have a horrible feeling about today. God I wanna SMOKE |
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| Friday, February 16th, 2007 |
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I love how when curtis and i break up that there seems to be some kind of invisible sign above my head only guys can see that says: "COME AND GET IT!!! RED HOT AND SINGLE!!! STICK IT IN WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE!!!!" and for osme reason they try. stupid boys. I'm not a sex object. fuck i have only had sex with one guy. I got laid by him though the other day. a farewell present to both of us. about time though it'd been three fucking weeks since the last time and my couchie was running down the hallway saying hello to everything it saw. thrusting haha jsut kidding. no I wasn't that desperate for sex and I still am not. i can careless. plus i don't have sex i make love. prostitutes and whores have sex. well I'm sick as hell. going to a concert tonight though. hopefully if i can convince the woman who carried me for nine months to let me out. cough cough cough cough. i can't stop!!! I've been spending a lot of time with kyle lately. he is like a little brother. literally. i adore him as my little brother and almost best guyfriend. i liek this. finally i can hangout with a guy without the hitting on me. and i really like that. |
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| Tuesday, February 6th, 2007 |
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well. almost got in a fight yesterday and my love told me he never wants to be with me again and doesn't want me. i made him a bracelet the day before which was sunday. he is still wearing it today. he still cares. anyways, almost got in a fight once again. no big except this time tis person ratted me out. bitch, i mean wtf!? reason of fighting: girl was listening to me and cj talk and made fun of me on the other side of the door whiile i was crying and i lashed out at her and swung but cj held me back but i did open the door real hard on her. who would fucking tell on people? oh right she and her paper plate personality bof a bestfrie3nd with only two brain cells and basically 4 toes since two are ffused together... would. i mean come on. they told on my boy and his friend fro drinking at school. and they told on them for bringing some herb to a trip for school. haha actually i supplied that herb and i took part in the festive activity of dousing myself with liquer before heading to first block art class last year. yet somehow my boy that I love more than life tiself wants this bitch. I went through so much crap for him. so many fights and arguments and sadness and anger and iss and risk of not graduating. i am trying to quit smoking for him. i actually have my nicotine patch on but I'm about ready to smoke a cigarette withi t on actually. heard it can actually kill you.... that'll suck. anyways, I was taken out of school today by the councelor and my father. justified my actions with myfather's help who by the way foudn otu I have had sex today... sent back to the psychologist but I am refusing to go back on medication for depression. that is the hereditary thing I have that i mentioned in the last post. happiness level? 0 crying for days non stop I don't sleep and I'm going through my thing again. because I don't eat as much as a regular person does the size of my stomach is abnormally small. so when i get overwhelmed or stress whether it is good stress or not the acid builds up and i start throwing up. thisi s how i lost 25 pounds in 3 to 4 months. now I fluctuate between 125-130. isn't that bitchin'? yeah yeah but I'm home and I'm gettign dressed for a wind ensemble performance tonight at the performing arts center. I am trying to do my normal thing for concerts. sexy yet sophizticated with a little flair. eh, I have to wear al fucking black and I'm trying to find something all black that's sexy bu not overly sexy and that is the most difficult part of picking out a wardrobe for tonight's event. DAMN I wish i was a whore. i haven't had fucking sex in 2 weeks. oh fuck me please someone. such addiction is killing me!!!!!!! |
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| Monday, February 5th, 2007 |
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it's been a long while. let's see. fell in love. lost virginity. about to go to college. wearing a nicotine patch. likes "GRASS". lost 25 pounds. can whoop people's asses now. ended up getting something hereditary and now I am forced to live with having my chemicals tell me how I'm feeling instead of controling it myself. and I'm finally 18. yet I still never outlived my dream to become a musician. finding an apartmenti n a couple months right after i graduate and then heading to college. west georgia for a year and then I'm going to either KSU or FSU. right now working on homework. have to go to the doctor's tomorrow for some testing. no worries. STD testing is very important. especially if your partner has slept with people before you. that's my case. only been with one guy but he has been with other girls. actually... we aren't together anymore. cause of downfall... my fault. falling into drugs is a horrible thing. but I'm cleaning myself up. and I hope he takes me back. been with a lot of guys. this one is my bestfriend..... for life. anyways, today was super bowl sunday. went over to a friend's house had a cuople pussy beers if you'd like to call it. mike's hard lemonade.... actually it was raspberry at the time. watched the game a little bit. drank some beers shot pool and played chess. earlier i took my dog to the groomers and watched my baby boy's lacrosse game where we lost 6-1 but he did really well for his first lacrosse game ever. he's been working really hard. I'm proud of my sweetheart. anyways.... i got to finish homework but myspace wasn't working on my computer so thought I'd keep busy procrastinating with this. night<333 <3 |
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| Sunday, March 6th, 2005 |
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my friend talked ot me last night and he kinda put the moves on me online. he is an attractive guy and he says his intentions are not all sexual but I'm not sure. I don't think i want to do anything with him romantically. I thoughtit was a dream when i wokeup with morning but it isn't. anyways, I'm not quite sure what to do. I told him if hewasseroius about everything then he would take me out this weekend and most likely won't makeout with him. He was like, I thoughtyou were more of that type of person. i mean you kissed so-an-so and I was like, yeah but I never made out with him and Idon't know whether he was serious or not. esther sad he was serious but he basically said that he thought i was hot and he wanted to makeout with me and I told him I don't lower my standards for anyone. but he says there ismore to itthan that so I'll give him a chance but I'm still very hesitant. guys sucks serious butt <3me I feel so sexy, I'm wearing sweats and a bra and i passed the mirror and i thought, hey i lost a little weight. I dunno, I like it. I feel so calm and relaxed right now. but it is cold. well gonig to go paint my room |
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| Saturday, March 5th, 2005 |
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I Found this site on MSN when i was checking my mail and i thought, that looks interesting so i checked it out. y'all should also Check it Out <3 By The Way We won 2nd place at the winter drumline competition today awesome huh?? even though I quit blimpies i am working tonight for manan a favor and I'm working for money with two new people who have only worked once ever... well, I'm scared to ask more than minimum wage for pay. but oh well, whatever money i can get I'll take. my neck hurts.... hmm.... my kitty, sophie, is so cute. I Love her.... awwww...... she is cleaning herself :) <3pat |
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I'v gotten over my teen lonely thign i think. I feel better. i am still having those 'moment' but oh well. winter drumline competition today at kell highschool i think we perform around 1045. I'm so exhausted. bluck, I should tie my hair up and do whatever i need to do right now... [sigh] yeah, ugh, I am prolyl going to sleep o nthe bus. I did last time all the way up and all the way back I have been sleeping alot lately. all my classes including band. cars. after chool in the band room before scohol in the hallway meetings cars in the middle of tests buses now... i dunno, I think i need more sleep. thing is it is hard for me to get some. I don't know. I am so stressed though. my shoulders are crazily tense I mean so tense that it is utterly insane. It is hard to play trumpet and my sohulders are tense which tenses up my throat and i can't get the sound out without it sounding like gah gah gah all the time and the sound isn't as clear as it should be. I learned to double tongue though. and vibrato yeah I need to clean my instrument it is so GROSS oh well.... I got in a minor arguement with a kid last night about his band and another he refused to play but it worked out i win like usually very headstrong kid and a bit impossible but he apologized and he meant well it was kinda hott actually when guys get like that haha just kiddin' just pulling your leg!! GOTCHA!! hahaha yeah whatever well I'm leaving to go get ready. have a wonderful day. goodday to ye... Damnit, I have to work tonight... and I don't even have a job.... <3in tense condition |
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005 |
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I feel so massively lonely I want to be hugged. I don't know. i had a great weekend. concert, partying with friends... and then through it all, i feel so empty. like there is something missing. I'm used to beign single and I accepted that. Now my bestfriend has a boyfriend. and the rest do also. a friend of mine, her boyfriend walked into the band room she ran to him jumped and he caught her and they hugged as if they haven't seen eachother for years like in old fashion movie when the guys came back from the navy. I was on the phone and I wanted to cry. I already had a horrible two days and I thoguht my bestfriend left me at school and forgot about me. also she is going to college in a few months. all the way in idaho. and becca is going to hawaii in a few months... and so many of my friends are seniors this year. I will die at graduation I swear. and alot of my friends are graduating and it hurts to know I won't ever see most of the magain. and my best guyfriend who i am so soooo emotinoally friendshiply attached to he is graduating and he likes someone who i despise more tha anything. and it hurts. i lost my share of guyfriends good good guyfriends and i dont' want to lose this one. I Love this one too much as a friend. I don't know why I feel so strongly about him. I wouldn't mind if it were any other girl but it is that girl. slut.... SLUTS PISS ME OFF they make women look so bad. I just don't feel complete. I don't feel beautiful. I'm not talking about outer beautiful but inner. but there are those tiems during the day that I get so happy those brief moments with my friend. but I want a hug a real hug. like a long hug. but not from any person. I don't know who i want it from but I want it and I know when i do get it. i'll feel so good. I feel so empty right now. I was out of energy all today and yesterday. I have been extra mean to my teachers. More than usual. I told one to leave me alone yesterday because I was sleeping. the other I was teasing today but in a playful manner. I dunno. I broke down a couple times today I just don't know. I have a competition this saturday maybe I'll feel better then I need sleep. goodnight <3pat I'm going thoruhg that teen rebel phase. |
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| Friday, February 18th, 2005 |
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I got seven letters from colleges the last couple days. After taknig the PSAT I wanted information from colleges and I got it. I'm reading through them all right now. I got one from: Brenau University in Gainsville, Georgia [A women's college] Emory College/Oxford College part of Emory University in Atlanta Georgia [I was a bit interested in some of the things they had to offer] Agnes Scott College in Decatur Georgia [another women's college] Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter Minnesota [I was interested there also a bit] Randolph Macon Women's College in Lynchburg, Virginia [a whiles away] and Salem College in Winston-Salem, North Carolina [another women's college and they have horribly ugly people in the pictures :X] I recieved a couple emails from colleges online also. I replying back to all of them. I have two years until I graduate but I'm about to become a junior and I need to think about what I'm doing. I have been looknnig into ALOT of scholarships. I need to start writing essays and stuff and finding auditions for music scholarships. I know they offer one every year at our school the band does i mean, hopefully I can use it for out of state colleges. I need to look into more at FSU also. I thought I wanted to go to FSU but I'm not sure where I want to go anymore. College is a big thing to think about.... but I am not going to West Georgia. I refuse to. well, I need to finished reading the letters. Then I'm going to the rec show tonight and rock out hardcore. I'm going to have fun tonight, I feel it. <3Blazin Asian |
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Concert last night? Yeah seriousely orgasmic. it was amazing I don't knwo how many people we had but prolly a little over 100 it was great and insane. By far though, I admit that Ever Since Radio was the best Great crowd interaction. TFOA had that thing in the middle of their song when everything went flat and the guitar that was flat played over everyone else. I'm not sure if I was the only one to hear it. A Farewell to Arms had an amazing voice. This guy's voice is so great. I was EXTREMELY impressed. DAMNIT.... I had a danash on my lap. not the gross packaged one but a good expensive kins. I was going to eat it but my dog ran up to it, grabbed it and ran away... I'm hungry.... grr... anyways... Across Five Aprils, very good also. A bit out of tune hear and there but they were amazing and everyone went WILD. it was insane. I took tickets and stamped and watched the bands as much as possible. I love Jonathan, He would push me up in front of him I guess it is because I am five times shorter than him such a sweet boy He is like my brother, I Love him. Props to chris. Chris you were amazing setting this up. afterwards was chris's house with jonathan, martin, linda, jackie, esther, and Ever Since Radio fun time. Esther has pictures. It was madd awesome. I jsut had a great night last night. Mr. Owens was a bit of a prude though. He comes up to me and tells me, "Don't stand too close to the speakers, I don't want you to lose your hearing." and "Be Careful and blah blah blah blah..." But he is jsut looknig out for me. I understand. I can't wait till I move out, I mean I lvoe my house and my family, but I wanna be able to do things they don't allow. I wanna get a tattoo and a new piercing and just be out there ya know? I dunno, I'm a good kid. I never do anything wrong. BTW recieved teacher recommendation to take AP Calculus and AP Statistics so I'm taking AP Calc my junior year [next year] and AP Stats Senior Is College Algebra the same as Calc? I dunno My brother is droping out of it though in highschool. I'm passing math now with a close A It is so easy. Math comes easily for me. Ap Euro though.... psh... I' m having a hard time with that. DBQ's kill me. I suck at DBQ's. anyways, I' m stuck babysitting my brother. Esther and everyone is at the mall. sucks serious ass. I figure I' m not into the same guy I need someone who can go to concerts and rock hard and party with me. I can't be with someone I have to stand in the back with. I need someone to stand at the stage and be amazing and out there. but I' mnot saying out there like the stupid girls at school are all 'punk rock hardcore' they gie people like me linda and girls liek us bad nme that's wh yI can't ever mosh because if i do people are usually like, gosh what a idiot girl. such a poser. or what a feshman though I' m not. I am sooooooo bored.... this kid won't leaev me alone. bluck. I won't be rude though. I don't like being impolite and mean to people. I don't wanna hurt them. heh painting my room this saturday Esther, Jasmine, Jackie, Harrison, and Jonathan[if he isn't worknig at the gaurd show] will help. it will be great. I have t oshop for paint and fabris today. my room is going to loook real modern. I jsut wish I could replace the carpet with wood or tile or white carpet. I love interior designing. It will look awesome, cause it isn't just one color or just a plain painting thing. it is designed amazignly. I'm good real good. anyways.... I hungry and to many people are talknig to me online at once I'm getting confused. I'm out. <3The Blazin Asian |
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| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005 |
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I miss you, I dont' see why your exgirlfriend has to come between our friendship... why can't we be friends anymore.... I try so hard.... I never ask much... just a conversation here and there.... like it used to be... it used to be fun... I think about you alot... as a friend of course. You were so dear to me. don't tell me to fuck off or anything because I know you will. I would do anything, love, if you would just talked to me.... please..... I Love You <3 |
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| Tuesday, February 8th, 2005 |
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I think i have someone to go with to the valentine banquet. I was angry today. I was not planning on gonig to the Environmental Club meeting. I had no ride home except esther but my friend who is the Vice President came up to me. he got bad grades and he can't conduct the meetings. The president is a director for 7@7 so She gave the meeting stuff to him but now he can't so since I am secretary I have to conduct meetings for the next month it won't be easy I have drumline and exhibition performance for the bolorgaurd coming up Jazz band rehearsals start this upcoming week Mock trial on wednesdays I have church in the mornings again now [esther's bible study thing... I basically play while they work... hey I'm baptist, not mormon:)] Lessons with owens brass ensemble. I haven't heard anything from SADD for a LOOOOOOOOONG while but yeah, and I haven't been able to be as active as last year in drama. I totally dropped Science Olympiad... I have advance and AP classes and I'm tired. I so did crappy on my ap euro test today. I know i did. I couldn't even finish my second paragraph and I got a 3 on my DBQ that pissed me off but I got a 99 on a math test today. ok my grades: Euclidean Geom=83 but I got a grade sheet today and i have a 87 now but include the 5 pts for being advanced. Ap European= 83 add 10pts for it being AP Band=100 Adv Lit=89 add 5 pts for being advanced. and that is it for now. Made dinner tonight and I'm gonig to eat goodnight with love, pat |
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005 |
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I have done very well with startign the jazz band. Mr owens is overwhelmed. I need to give the students flyers for when our meeting is going to be on this. I was offered a position in a little jazzband at a community center. my friend called and said they needed a jazz band for one night seh said I was recommended by a wonderful guyfriend of mine. He is an amazing snare. I am in love with his borther too. his brother played trumpet and still is right now in college such sweet kids. They are offering me a decent amount of pay. trupmets would be just me and allen but i'm not sure if I'm going to accept yet. but They pay sounds good. I'd never sellout for music though. but I do love jazz :) still on the prowl for my date I haven't asked anone yet. too busy. Practice today and I have EC @ EC tomorrow and I have soemthing but it just doesn't come to mind.... I will think of it later... goodnight my loves. have wonderful dreams :) with love, pat I don't think I ever had a date for vday hoping i do have one for the banquet though. Oh I had awesoe grade for progress report. I'll post them later. |
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| Sunday, February 6th, 2005 |
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^^^my mood shows I am determined to find a date haha^^^ The Valentine banquet is coming up. Most of the people going are going as couples. I don't wanna go if I have no one to go with. I need a date. all my guyfriends have girlfriends though. and I mean, It won't be really a date. It wouldn't mean nothin' but still I don't want to go by myself. It would be sad. So I need a DAte for the Valentines Banquet. Went to a Super Bowl thing tonight. Fun stuff. Goodnight with ♥, pat I talked to little kyle. It was quite pleasant |
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| Saturday, February 5th, 2005 |
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Love Was Made For Me And You I have a bit of a crush on this boy i know. he is single and very cute. he is oh-so talented and his arrogance is a bit of a turn on, especially since he is a bit of a smartass which is the biggest turn on for me. I dunno, what to really do. I think he has no clue but I am not quite sure. I'm not sure if i should make a move or not. I am thinking of letting him make a move but I'm worried he never will and I rather not lose this fellow. He is probably one of the best I have chosen so far. aside from a certain boy a clever boy though we never went out. but I'm not sure what i should do.... I think I'll let him make a move if he likes me and if he doesn't then he won't and i'll have to deal with it. it is 8:13 pm on a saturday night and I'm home. how pathetic... but I went out with a group of people last night so it is alright. I got a composer today for my computer. that way I can create music and when I go over music for jazz band I can listen to it without having to bother peopel to sight-read so much for me so I can get th e je st I wanna see the movie "Hide and Seek" ECPC won 6th out of 14th at south forsyth today. so proud of us. going to mess around a bit. ♥ me |
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LiveJournal for newoctoberissue.
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awake.
crushed.
amused.
Woooooooooozy.
busy.
predatory.