What am I supposed to be doing, who am I supposed to be with, what are the right decisions to make. I don't know any of these answers.
A lot of things have been going through my mind. A lot of indecisiveness. Trying to figure out what I want instead of what I should do in order to make everyone happy. I simply can't do that even though I care about what others think. I worry what they think of me. I don't want to let people down or disappoint them. Is that stopping me from being happy?
I feel like I should take more risks, dive right into new things even if it doesn't please everyone. I hate reproductions and conflict but they're inevitable in life anyway. May as well roll with the punches right?
Starting a new job, getting tired of the old one, I now have opportunity for growth and its exciting to me. It could all go downhill at any moment but that is true anywhere. There is no job security anymore. I look to one side at some of my peers who have far exceeded myself when it comes to success and income. I look to the other side at my family and it is me who is at the top and doing well. Which side should I keep looking at? Or do I not look at either and just look straight ahead?
I always have fantasies of doing something different than what I'm doing now, of having things I don't have now, of having a different appearance. This makes me think if I can do and have all these things then everything will be alright. But it can't always be true. Savoring and appreciating these moments, things, and myself now is important because when I'm older I'll wish I didn't spend so much time with my head in the clouds.
What makes a successful match? Is it interests two people share, is how dependent they are of each other.. Or is it something else, is it deep caring, and understanding as well as shared views and goals. Maybe, I wouldn't really know.
I could be good for someone if they are good to me, if they're there for me, if they understand me, if they want to be around me, if they want me to be around, if they want to build a life together. If there is uncertainty or feelings for me change I will be devastated. If there is certainty and deep feelings for me I will be faithful, committed, loving, caring, and everything a partner would want. I just have to know which one is true before I open up and give my all.
Is it time to make the most out of life, or do I keep doing the same thing? While I don't feel like the clock winding down, I do hear it ticking. The clock ticks, my heart beats. The clock measures time, my heart measures life lived.
What time is it right now?
