Kubileya

So I am getting initiated as a Priestess on October 5. Everything seems to be accelerating, because Emily and I got the clearest messages channelled from spirit at this past Full Moon. We even got the name of our coven channelled (we've been doing rituals since late winter but hadn't decided on specifics for the coven yet), as well as the names of the deities we were to dedicate the coven to etc. We've got such a clear, strong connection with the other side, I decided to create an online journal for our coven. I did it the day Emily left for Costa Rica for her bellydance workshop, about a week ago, and am excited that she's coming back tonight, so I can encourage her to post her reflections on our coven and rituals as well. I have got several requests to teach Wicca 101, so will be pursuing that in the next few weeks as well.

http://community.livejournal.com/spei_flammae/

Gawd, Ben's almost to 60 and I'm 5 bars behind lvl 59. He's wasting time in the battlegrounds (I HATE PVP, and he does too - except he abides it for the armor he can get for the tokens) until I can catch up with him. I would be at lvl 65 except for the MONTH I took off playing while he was away in England, Italy, Spain...

I think I'm going to go to a trainer and untrain my bear so I can respec him according to what our dear friend the hunter expert has advised me.

Outlands are more fun now that I am able to do the quests, rather than just run around behind whomever ported me there lol.

Someday I'm gonna go back and lvl my lvl 37 druid. Yes, when I am so bored that I can't think of anything else to do.

Gawd, anybody who plays anything other than a warrior must have some time to waste. I can't believe I picked a fupping hunter just because of the auto shot. 58.9 lvls later and I still want a damn warrior. And my warrior is only at lvl 18. I can't stomach putting much time into her atm until I get my huntress to 70, so i have plenty of time to reach max equip before next fall's expansion. ANOTHER ONE. I understand; I have seen more bored lvl 70's in the outlands than I ever thought possible. Apparently everyone is maxed out and that's why they're all selling gold on websites etc. I had friends at lvl 70 within a MONTH of the last one in February. I suspect they're gonna put a lot more time and effort into making the next patch (lvl ceiling at 80) at lot harder to achieve.

We both stopped lvling quickly around lvl 54, 'cause you have to be unemployed to really lvl, and, fortunately, we're not. However once you get to outlands it really speeds up. I can see lvl 60 well within the bounds of this weekend! YAY. Our guild hit 90 members in late spring, and has dwindled to the upper 70's now that it's summer. Fall will be PRIME TIME to get some decent, MATURE players. Our guild rules preclude the participation of any assholes, since we let people know up front that no upper lvl chars shall boss lower lvl chars around, since time wasted on the game doesn't add inches to your hight, years to your life, or university degrees to your name. Too many people walk around giving "advice" on how to play this class or that, thinking that any knowledge they have gained playing WOW has actually added to their RL "character." It's just a fupping game - calm down and let people play as they want. Abuse and criticism is out of place in a game. We don't GANK; we don't allow members to charge money for instance runs, equipment, or other help.

Basically, we don't act like WHORDE - 13 year old sexually frustrated xenophobic politically and religiously conservative VIRGINS!

GAWD I LOVE MY GUILDIES.

We're gonna have a guild party next Halloween. We've been using VENTRILO for a while, so I feel pretty comfortable with meeting those guys :).

Work on my Ph. D is going great. If I could just get my advisor to answer my e-mails. It's hard to get advice when nobody knows what you are talking about in your dissertation. It's also very EASY to get your paper approved lol.

I went to see MOM the other day - she's got a new shop in Albany called Mom's Apothecary. Apparently she and Sonja have decided I am helping the learning circle to do Mabon this coming fall. I was not aware of this, since Heather and Lokkey did not contact me in time for Ostara this year. However it seems mom has plans for me nevertheless.

However I may have to buy a plane ticket to come back up here to do that, if my job application goes well. If I get the job I applied for, I will make certain that I buy plane tickets to come back to Oregon for Mabon. My heart is still aching at the thought that I missed Ostara, especially because I had planned to go but simply did not know the dates.

My new hairdo is awesome - I look just like my Blood Elf! I love my guild. They support my new "Dana Scully" haircut. It's so fulfilling to be the Guild Mistress.

I AM SO HAPPY....

because our spirit circle has been going on for 6 months now. the journal is:

http://community.livejournal.com/salemparanormal/

we get together monthly for seances and spirit communication.

Also - yet ANOTHER step ahead for my spirituality!

I realized that since I have been the only practicing member of my coven for many months, that means that now I guess I am a solitary, albeit completely involuntarily. I have even posted at Crescent Crone to get contact details for our Master and his sister Rene, so I could try to help the learning coven who are supposedly doing Ostara; however I got no responses. The Crescent Crone Clan has died due to inaction and apathy of its members.

So I have sent an application to a real Gardnerian group in Portland. *Fingers Crossed.*

I spend most of my spare time playing my Draenei in WOW. In fact, the Guild that Ben and I have formed is one of the fastest growing on our server. This is a good stress-reliever, but I am excited about the prospect of filling my time with something a bit more worthwhile....

I have a double load of classes, but next term I am cutting back so I can finish my Ph. D. I am staying in OR this summer to do this, instead of my usual trip to Italy. This means that my salary will be doubled by this time next year - /cheer!

Yay for seeing dead people!

Toga party at my house!

Go to my myspace page for details:

http://www.myspace.com/sororluna

Last night Ronni came over and helped Ben and me make our own WOW characters. I am now a Night Elf named Pravicordia, on the server Maelstrom. We finally got high speed internet access. I have been a Mage on Ronni's account for a while, but started over so Ben could make a character with me. All my buds from Latin are also on this server, including Audrey. It's great. I can fart on Ben with no real damage to his nasal passages.

I have 26 beginning Latin students this year, which is pretty amazing, but more about that on my myspace page.

I didn't start a new Greek class this year, so by next year I will be teaching only Latinists. Meagan and Brian came over tonight, which was awesome. Maccie and Lupe loved to see their Auntie Meagan and Uncle Brian.

I am pretty pissed about Jonathan and Scott, however. I played the last concert the best I have ever done, but the bastards kept talking about what parts "needed balancing" and shit like that after the last rehearsal, which was the FIRST rehearsal for the Christmas concert. I told them "by god, thou shalt NOT dick around with MY or MICHAEL's parts the day we are SIGHTREADING."

I will play the goddamned baritone if I have to, to avoid THAT sort of rubbish.

Lost any weight? No... Hell no.

This is probably the hardest entry I've ever had to write. I am shaking and my heart is torn in two.

So my parents came to visit, and on my birthday, which was Tuesday, March 14th, they took me and some friends out to supper.

I made the mistake of going to the bathroom with my mom. Becky was there too. Mom said I needed to calm down and behave and be a "good girl."

So I was pissed, but I thought I would ignore it and try to have a good time.

THEN after we got back up to the table, my mom said that she wanted me to come to the bathroom with her again.

I said, "no, I don't want to go." Eventually she convinced me to go, and she lectured me the whole way there and back about how I needed to behave and shut up etc.

I was very hurt and angry, so started saying things like, "I don't want to hear this crap." She got so offensive that I said, "listen. My friends love me the way I am, even if you don't."

She was PISSED.

I was VERY hurt, and basically the rest of the night was miserable for me.

When we finally got to my sister's house, I went upstairs and went to bed, because I didn't want to interact with my mom anymore.

THEN THE NEXT MORNING

Neither one of my parents would talk to me. My mom stayed in the bedroom, and my dad stayed at the opposite side of the room from me. THEN they started talking to my sister about getting an early flight back to Alabama. My dad pulled Ben aside and said he thought we should go ahead and leave.

So I was so hurt, that I told Ben we should just get the dogs and go home. My parents refused to say good-bye to me, and insisted that Ben come into the bedroom so they could tell him how I needed to be "fixed."

Finally Ben comes out and meets me at the car. I can barely think at this point. He tells me that my mom was crying and that they were concerned that I drink too much. I know I drink too much - that's why I've gone back on Prozac and am in counseling.

Anyway, for one reason or another, I decide to turn the car back and go try to "make up." I guess it's because my parents are old and I figured I might not ever see them again.

So we come back, and my parents lecture me for an hour about how much I and all my friends SUCK.

My mom wouldn't even look at me. She had her BACK to me.

They said that I needed to quit the orchestra, because "those people are bad news." They also said that I needed to stop being so lazy and should work every free minute I have on my Ph. D. They said that Scott was "obviously DRUNK" when he showed up, and he was an unscrupulous character, and if my husband were smart, he wouldn't "LET" me take trumpet lessons from him. They also said that I should never fraternize with current or ex-students, because I am supposed to be a representative of Western Oregon, and somebody like Dave Shewey might go to the administration and get me fired. They said I shouldn't say words like "bitch-ass" in public, because this would be the ammunition that my students used to get me fired.

They said I should stay home every night and I had no business going to orchestra or anything else, because my husband works all day long, and so should I.

They said I should not hug and kiss my friends, because that was trashy. They said I should stop being mean to Ben's parents, even though I have never been mean to them.

They told me I should stop wasting my time meditating, and I should start praying (even though I already pray an hour or more a day). They said I should start going to church every Sunday. They said that I should "behave" considering how much money they had just spent on me.

Basically they UNDID every bit of counseling that I have had in the past 5 years. They basically said that everything I did and EVERYONE who is my friend was BAD. I feel like somebody has just taken a knife and hacked up my insides.

I try so hard to be a good person and to improve myself and to be nice to my friends. Apparently I am a piece of garbage, and I need to be ashamed of everything I do, think, and say.

I am an emotional cripple at this point, and wonder if I will ever feel good again.

NOW I know why I have had "issues" about adultery for years!

(when Ben and I took Catholic classes, the only question on our compatabiltiy exam that we scored differently was the adultery question; he said that in the case of adultery he would take me back; I said I'd get a shotgun. Also, various friends have had to deal with adultery either directly, or through their parents' relationship, and it ALWAYS touched a nerve with me)

NOW I know why I feel that sex is bad, and find genitals to be "dirty"!

(I mean, come on, the priest CUT THEM OUT!)

NOW I know why I always feel GUILTY when I follow my heart, and make myself "wrong"!

(I had the Spanish Inquisition on my ass the last time I tried it!)

NOW I know why I don't feel I have the right to speak my heart!

(another image from my past life that I got a few weeks ago was a big metal CHAIN around my neck)

NOW I know why I have always felt TERRIBLY AFRAID of PHYSICAL PAIN, and when others are in pain, especially in MOVIES, I FEEL THEIR PAIN as if it were my own.

(It's because I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN BURNT AND MUTILATED MYSELF.)

NOW I know why I have slowly become vegetarian over the years, and now finally am VEGAN.

(I understand PAIN and SUFFERING VERY WELL)

What a relief. I thought my fears of pain and torment were a signal that THAT'S HOW I WOULD DIE or something. Now I know I've ALREADY DONE THAT, and can relax knowing that I have PAID MY DUES.

I feel as light as a feather.

I am free.

MY GODDESS, it ALL makes sense now.

Yesterday I thought I was going to DIE I was in so much despair about my relationship with Ben. I sat outside the school and prayed, saying that I was at my wit's end, and couldn't go on.

THEN, after I went to bed, sort of between sleep and being awake, I had some "revelations" last night. They were flashes of images and words, and I think it explains more about my past life during the Inquisition.

I saw a blond girl in old-fashioned clothes (like a peasant from a Shakespeare movie), and she was kneeling down looking at the LEGS of a dead person. I think the dead person was ME. Anyway, all I could see was the left leg below the knee, and there was WRITING all over the leg in black ink. At the time of the vision, I "knew" what it said, but I can't remember now. But I think it was something about the woman being an adulteress. Anyway, the girl said, "and they burned her" in a thick foreign accent.

THEN I saw an image of a priest, with a knife, and though I did not see the actual act (thank goodness) he was saying he was going to CUT OUT all this woman's private parts.

I think it was the same woman, before she was burned. I think it was me. I think that I was given over as a witch or something due to radical beliefs and adultery. I am hanging and burning myself, figuratively, to play out the old guilt. But nobody deserves to be treated like that for following their own heart.

I really believe that I am going mad, or perhaps I am just evil.

I think that if anyone were sane, they wouldn't be thinking the thoughts that I do.

I see my husband and myself growing apart more and more each day. We don't interact much, and when we do it's miserable. We are bringing each other down.

Neither one of us is doing anything "wrong" but we just don't seem to have anything in common anymore.

I think that if I love Ben, I need to let him go. He isn't happy with me anymore, and I am not happy either.

But I don't want to be alone.

I am scared.