fierymidget

I don't even know how I feel anymore... right now it is 7 AM and I haven't been to bed yet... but I don't really want to go to bed. I'm tired and my body is beginning to complain, but I don't want to close my eyes... what the fuck am I afraid of missing??

But still the emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets

This line strikes me in particular. Maybe I have spent all of this time trying to find the answer to a problem that doesn't even exist. Perhaps there is nothing for me to be depressed about. My life may actually be in perfect order and I'm trying to turn it into something for which it was not meant. I need to learn acceptance.

Jerrick took Liz to Orlando this weekend so that she could hang out with her friend that just moved there. I was supposed to take her but I have put too many miles under my belt in the past few weeks. So I asked Jerrick if he would take her, and as a bonus he could visit with his old college buddies. I'm still not really sure how I feel about this... I know, it's already done... but I don't know if I'm okay with my decision. I wanted him to go and have a good time, but there is also a part of me that hopes that he will realize that he doesn't belong with them anymore. No, I don't think that I'm better than them, but I do believe that we are at different life mile-markers. I don't think that he has any business hanging around with a couple of single, drug-using, unemployed college "kids". It's been like 4 years since he saw them, and it would seem to me that they have gone no where. I can understand if they were working on masters degrees or something... but whatever, not the point. I don't know these girls, so it is not my place to judge. Did you catch that?? Girls. I let my husband go spend the weekend with a couple of girls that he used to party with, and I've never met either one of them. Part of me wonders if he's telling the truth about his relationship with them. He said that he never slept with either one, but that doesn't mean that there might not have been emotions or other things. Am I just being paranoid?? Most likely. I need to learn to trust and communicate with my husband.

Liz is pissing me off because it's starting to feel like she doesn't respect me... or acknowledge the fact that I am her guardian (i.e. authority figure). I know that she thought she was going to get away with not cleaning out her closet. I know that she knew that she was supposed to clean it. I know that she choose to go hand out with her friends instead of cleaning it. I also know that no one says that I have to try to give as much as I do. She has been taking my stuff into her room and not returning... and not telling me that she has it. I will ask her a question, and she will outright lie to me about it. I let her borrow my digital camera to go with her friends to do some car searching... she left my camera in her friend's van, no big whoop... girl was supposed to return it Friday... Friday night as I was yelling about Liz's closet, I noticed my camera on her computer desk... next morning, it's gone... on it's way to Orlando with her. She took $300 in property of MINE without asking if it was okay with me or even letting me know that she was going to do it. I assume that she had planned to take it and either A.) forgot to ask me before she left and figured she'd take it anyway OR B.) just didn't think it was necessary to ask me for it. Either way, it was rude and disrespectful. I need to learn not be afraid of making people mad at me.

I need to learn how to get to bed at a decent time.

Overkill {Colin Hay}

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

I am so embarrassed right now. My behavior this last week has been ridiculous. Last night, I completely flipped out on Jerrick. I can't believe I did that. I don't think that this has anything to do with the nicotine. I think my problem is almost all mental. I have been afraid to tell anyone that I'm quitting because I know they won't take me seriously... or if they do take it seriously then I'm just going to be really ashamed when I tell them I lost. I know that I started this crusade off trying to be very positive but I can't lie to myself anymore. Being positive is just not me... and I feel like it's not true in this situation. I know that I'm going to fail. I fail at everything. When I tried to quit smoking while I was pregnant, I didn't flip out like this. I had faith in myself. I knew that I was a good mother and that I could do this for my child. Well, I didn't... I quit for five months just to talk myself into thinking that I could have just one a day. So now I know that I'm never going to quit. If I couldn't quit for the person that I love the most in all the universe, how am I supposed to do it now for just me? The only thing that is keeping me going right now is the shame that I'll have to face when I tell everyone that I gave up... and then hearing them tell me that they knew I couldn't do it. Not everyone will be harsh about it. Some will say stuff about how it's not my fault. That I could do it but I just won't be able to go cold turkey... blah blah blah... but the basic gist of it is that no one thinks that I can do this... and the sad thing is that they're right.

We're almost at our 96 hour mark... almost 4 days without a cigarette. Jerrick seems to be handling it quite well. He's had a few outbursts and there have been times when I noticed his agitation. But he seems to be doing a lot better than I am. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my fucking skin. I feel like I'm about to lose my goddamn mind and I don't even know why. I want to die. Whether that be in 40 years from lung cancer or right now because I can't live without it... I wish someone would shoot me. I hate this feeling... and I'm so scared that I'm going to live the rest of my life feeling like only part of a person. I can't sit still for more than five minutes at a time because I'm thinking of how I want to run away to some magical place where I can smoke as much as I want and not worry about the consequences... OR I end up laying down for extended amounts of time and wishing that I would fall asleep and never wake up... if anyone comes across this and thinks I'm suicidal, stop being stupid. I am not saying that I WILL do these things... I'm just saying that I wish there was an easy way out of this... I wish there was some pill I could take to make everything about me different... how I want it to be. I am a miserable, pathetic excuse for a person... now to figure out what to do with myself...

Okay we're almost at our mark for 72 smoke-free hours... and I'm really starting to question why I wanted to do this in the first place. I know that it's healthier and cheaper... but I want a cigarette so bad right now that I'm almost willing to die for it. I've been thinking about this all day. How I should just admit that I'm a failure and give in. I know that I'm not ever going to be able to quit... just like I know that I'm not ever going to be thin again. I think I should stop kidding myself into thinking that I can be one of those motivated women that will have kids but still look great, cook great meals, and all that bullshit... I know that I'm never going to finish college... I know that I'm never going to quit smoking... I know that I'm never going to be a good wife or mother... and I know that I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life. I may have periods of time where I lose a little weight... but then just like always I'm going to put it back on for one reason or another. I know that this was supposed to be about me quitting smoking... but it seems like it's wrapped up in so much more than just that. I feel like smoking is tied to every fiber of my being... and I feel empty and lonely without it. I don't know who I am anymore... or who I want to be. I don't see my self succeeding at this... and I'm really feeling hopeless about everything else at this point... but I guess time will tell.

My husband and I decided to quit smoking and I figure that it might be helpful to journal through this. I'm really trying to refrain from saying stuff like "trying to quit smoking" and "when I give up". I figure that it's not healthy or positive for my endeavor. We had our last cigarette on Tuesday at 11:30 so we're almost at the 48 hour mark... the first day was incredibly hard. I had even emotion possible rushing through me at a ridiculous speed. One minute I'm screaming at everyone and the next minute I'm crying my eyes out! I was really about ready to give up. I didn't sleep well that night either. It took me forever to wind down enough to go to sleep and then I kept waking up every hour or so throughout the night. I have been tired and depressed all day today. I feel like I took some pill like a decongestive... like I don't feel normal... like a fake normal... I don't even know how to explain it. My husband describes it as a fuzzy feeling. Nothing seems in focus today. I pretty much laid on the couch all day and I've been pretty irritable. I haven't cried today but I still have that miserable feeling. I feel like my best friend died or something. Like a part of me is going away... and I miss it. I love smoking! I enjoy almost everything about it... except that it might take me away from my family too soon and it's expensive. I found that today my hands were a subject of disgust for me... they smell so weird without the smoke. Smoke is a comforting smell for me. I'm feeling pretty tired right now so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. Hopefully I will be able to make it through the night without waking up a dozen times.

I've been so fucking busy lately... haven't had time to update even my real journal... *makes mental note* update everything as soon as possible....

I pretty much just created this journal so that I could check out the communities on lj... I already have a journal on dj so I really doubt that I'll use this one too much but who knows... I have no idea what everything is going to look like on here so maybe I will have to make a few retarded entries just so I can fuck around with the layout...