Ever feel like an open wrist bleeding out on the floor? Just a day where you feel like you don't care about anything. All energy has left you now with just a tinge of sadness.

Online is my only social life these days. Everyone is so busy or cut from my life. I have always felt kinda left behind. Nothing much left of me that appeals to anybody. I'm so disconnected from this world that I have nothing to offer but strangeness and a hollow. Making new friends seems a mysterious and terrifying thing. I just get older and more bitter until one day I might become the crazy cat lady that never comes out of her house or a wild woman living off in the middle of nowhere that bites people. I am an introvert by nature but even an introvert has spells of desiring brief periods of social interaction. I look at my depressing friend list of a handful of people. Some I would never talk to, some who would never talk to me or some who rarely talk to me or only sometimes. I got so bored longing for a conversation that I started a post on facebook where I had a conversation with myself. At least with a journal, it's more a one sided conversation with yourself so you don't seem crazy to anyone else that keeps an online journal. At least that much they probably understand.

I had a complimentary $5 on keen and decided to take a quick reading. I do feel a little lost. . . complacent but lost. I was told to choose a scientific career path, and that my relationship has a half life of a year tops. Now I really feel lost. "Comfort is a mystery, crawling out of my own skin". Eclipse of the moon, fish stuck in gelatin but the sharks still feed. The child is lost, happily running through woods, chasing dreams. The adult moves along, slow and doubting, head down and burdened. Analyzing a brick wall, hands run along rough edges. Bloody fists pound upon unforgiving hardness. Break out, "Swayin to the rhythm of the new world order and Count the bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums"

So I'm trying to sell some excess toys on craigslist and it occurs to me that people don't know how to haggle anymore. They need their decisions made for them now. Gods I'm starting to feel old.

Just fucking around with this thing.

Anybody still use this thing?

Check me out. Ange's getting desperate for money in the Memphis Tenn. help me pay my bills and clean your house or something. :)

http://memphis.backpage.com/gyrobase/classifieds/ViewAd?oid=oid%3A155525&uid=8b33b50786fd2267f3f85a53bf9c8d40

I hate how long it takes to get hired anymore. Usually can expect to wait around for a whole goddamn month while all those penny loafering jackasses just sit around on their candy asses all week, they might use your application for a coaster before they slip a sip of gin from their bottom drawer and laugh over your pathetic attempts to get a job. Oh puny mortal, your silly job skills are no match for the power of the Rich side!! muahahaha

So in a world where most attempts at gainful employment will lead you either selling your soul to your corporate masters, sleeping under a bridge or flippin hamburgers for what seems like mere pennies, all meager attempts will be stamped out and there is no hope. Who you are no longer matters. What you can do is no comparison to how fat you are, imperfect, incapable of permanently gluing a smile on your face and wearing the latest corporate approved garb. Smile or die! You might as well throw your real emotions out the window and focus on success which means turning yourself into a mere shadow of yourself, a humanoid reaction machine, emulating the appropriate flesh emoticons. Hang your hat, eat the blue pill and continue about your corporate approved, safe life. Welcome to the Matrix.

Right now the attitude I assume is that of retreat from stress to gather inner strength in this time of tranquility in the midst of my great struggle. My underlying thoughts and feelings are very trying right now as I am constantly seeking to master myself and balance the opposing forces inside me. But right now my attitude is evolving and will continue to evolve until I fully assume the attitude of strength. Now becomes more of a pause in my current struggle to ready myself, rallying my forces in preparation for final onslaught of trials and tribulations. My will is being steeled to stand or fall. Others are perceiving my attitude as disappointed and sad little goth girl.

As I ask the universe to help guide me to where I need to be, I am told that I should be preparing for extreme life changes that perhaps lead to a new lifestyle and enlightenment. It almost seems like I shall become a beggar by month's end.

The universe almost seems to send me messages to hold on through the storm because the aftermath brings the sun and flowers. . .. so to speak. My life as I know it must be utterly destroyed for the death of me to finally be cast down into the black abyss forever so that I may finally find the capabilities to enjoy my life.

Dreams have come and gone and shown me a world of zombies and my horror to turn into one until I found myself in my secret garden, living in an expensive house and a man kissed me and melted that all away. Blank glazed over eyes view the world with a sort of hostile boredom but it wasn't always this way.

Yet still I always pray for night to come. I wait for the sun to die and everyone to go away when everything is cool and quiet and doesn't hurt anymore. Within me used to be the spirit of a child golden and sweet with knowledge beyond years but I couldn't protect her and inevitably she knew she must die. Oh happy Death unto her I did not want to see gone from the weary arms of the Age's Warrior with nothing left to lose. Spend a whole life hurting inside and it makes you tired and wondering what it's all worth.

What is the meaning of life if we are merely born to die? Why does the world hold no colours for me save in music and dreams. The only happiness I can ever remember felt like velvet ice cream washing over me on a hot day from the sweet smoke I take into myself everyday. Even this lonely happiness of mine so treasured is constantly threatened to be taken away from me because it is the flow of things in this society of ours. Any little crumbs of hope and happiness must be inevitably smashed out of us along with any traces of imagination and self identity so we can all be the same, united by our mutual death.

I feel like I'm finding myself again and everybody wants to fuck that up. I'm tired of giving things up that make me happy just to make money. it's not that money does'nt make us happy, it's that the process of making money kills us. Why should I trade my soul for Apathy and a few numbers? Why can't the world just accept us for being who we are without trying to kill what little is left beautifull inside the spirit of man. I know there are many others just like me out there hidden away and secretly hoping through the years as we fade and remain.