I freaking hate jerks and lurkers. That is all.

The only thing I've managed to haul my azz (sp?) out of bed for this week is rehearsals. Like not even meals and TV. I feel so disgustingly miserable. JK I'm fine. I can't wait for Maura.

When I see the undying shimmer of the first snow of the season my heart swells, united, untamed like it did in the days of Christmases past. The glow of serenity that overtakes my body when the glittering flakes of white powder descend on our lives and fill our minds with thoughts of laughter makes me feel wistful as a fetus in the third trimester, as though my soul breathed a song of joy on my spirit, and my spirit obligingly responded in kind. Hand in hand the two walk across the depths of my heart bringing me to a transcendent state of whimsy and adoration. Could there be anything more magical? No. There could not.

"We, the Loyola community, are honored by this honor for Roger."

I had a dream last night where I hugged Brian Dykstra. That's sort of uncomfortable...

It's so goddamn gay. I ask people constantly if I'm a bad person/friend and they always give me the same old "DAN YOU'RE SO NICE/CARING/GOOD/PURE/BOWEL!!!!1!@!!" But I think -- and I am almost certain -- that these people are confusing these admirable traits for the more showy traits of charisma, beauty, and a good sense of humor. In actuality I am two-faced, selfish, manipulative, a bitch, a slut, a flatterer, a gossip... in the words of Tom Morin I am a mean girl. Stop telling me that I'm a good friend, it's such a lie. I'm a good time. And I can live with that.

What I miss most about Kristin Lewter is that she had her priorities in order. Like fixing her hair before escaping from a flame-engulfed building, or not paying attention to how much money she actually possesses when she wants to buy something, or how when ordered at gunpoint to choose between a Rammstein CD and her own mother she allowed her mother to be tortured, raped, and killed.

I really really didn't expect to be so reluctant to go back to Loyola at the end of this semester. WHY DID GOD CURSE ME WITH SUCH CHARM/POPULARITY?





for good measure:

Spring Awakening
Nov. 3-5, 10-12
Fenwick Theater, College of the Holy Cross
8 pm

I wasn't going to update. I didn't really think I had anything to say, but then I thought "hey, maybe I do." But I was wrong. Dead wrong. (for Halloween)

Every evil minute of the day I feel the urge to rip my skin off and stick toothpicks in my bared muscle.

--------------------
Mark thy calendars:


Fenwick Theater
College of the Holy Cross
Nov. 3-5, 10-12
8:00 pm


it's good. so seriously, come to it. everyone. i won't be doing another show in worcester for a long time.

--------------------

Dear Kristin,

Sometime we should become priests so we can eat a gallon of Bluebell ice cream and go speeding down the Causeway.

- Dan

P.S. Come to my show? I will pay for your transportation.

Why not take a crazy chance/do a crazy dance?

My night in Boston:

1. take a chance
2. make it happen
3. pop the cork
4. fingers snappin'
5. spin the wheel
6. 'round and 'round we go
7. life is good
8. life is sweet
9. grab yourself a front-row seat
10. let's meet and have a ball
11. physically assaulted by a belligerent drunk
12. let's live for the wonder of it all

I just found out that I have HIV. I don't know where to turn. I feel like the whole world is crashing down around me. Babies ignite.

WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME that the voice of Milo Kamalani was done by BUDNICK FROM SALUTE YOUR SHORTS??

Top Ten Shannons:

10. Rocket
9. Shannon True
8. Shannon Weber-Arellano, producer of Judge Judy
7. Shane West, birthname Shannon Snaith
6. Shannon Elizabeth
5. Molly Shannon
4. Shannyn Sossamon
3. Shannon Doherty
2. Shannon Vernon
1. That dog Shannon True was named after.



And the "hungry" mood icon looks way happier than I am right now.

Dear Kimmie,

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

- Dan

Same old problems, new combinations.

There are things about ourselves that we don't like. That's just the way it is. I mean even me, and I am pretty much obsessed with myself, but still there are one or two things about me that I would rather were not. And so, it seems to me, in the history of this gay-ass universe, shouldn't SOMEBODY have figured out how to get rid of everything about themself that they don't like?? I mean, it's yourSELF. Of anyone, you're the one who has the most control over it. And so if even you cannot change these things, that is just faggot ridiculous.

I don't want to be attracted to a person. Not a single one. Maybe that sort of thing works out for some people, but I feel that I personally would have this life in the bag if I could just disregard nearly every human life in it. I don't WANT to care about a human being, I don't WANT to enjoy seeing someone's stupid face or touching their awful body, and yet there is no goddamn gaylord way to control that, is there. Is there???

"and they're like 'well it was a diff situation' n youre like NO!!! no it wasn't different at ALL!!!!" -Shannon True

FINAL THOUGHTS: Chemical castration?



So if you bothered to read this whole thing, this is half of what I wasn't saying in the Green Room.

Dear Kimmie,

I'm going to see Boys Next Door next weekend. God help me.

-Dan

-----------------------

Dear Kristin,

I tried to write shamefacedly and it came out as shamfeced.

-Dan

-----------------------

Dear Shirley Temple,

I'm listening to Animal Crackers in my Soup and it sounded like you just said "I stuff my tummy like a gook". Please explain.

-Dan

Yesterday I thought there was a strange man in my room but it turned out to be my roommate. I didn't recognize him because he was wet.

Dear Kristin,

Today something said something and I thought it said "Degrassi" but really it said "trespassers". I knew what it meant. And Fiona Apple went crazy again today. But I was fine. Some people expected me to be miserable today, but I am actually okay. Life has it's ups and downs. Life is on the up and up.

-Dan

---------------------

Dear Iphigenia,

I feel you, sister.

-Dan

It looks likely that I will be in France next summer. I can think of two reasons off the top of my head that this might upset you. But I know you are not quick to rise. I suppose I should ask anyway: Is it okay with you?


Or probably Africa, knowing life.


Plus, have you read The Crucible? I have such an attraction to it -- an attraction that previously only kate clayborn had felt towards a book.

Useless things of modern life:

1. St. Paul -- useless
2. Hurricane Katrina -- i got no use for you
3. "Nearest handicapped accessible restroom on third floor." -- criminally gay
4. Printer #4 in Dinand Library -- BraoOOWOWWWowwoOW (that's that sound a puppy makes when tugging on disgusting bits of rope)
5. Disgusting bits of dog rope -- Dakotatron

Useful things:

1. I found a screwdriver in the street like a week ago.

Something Heather would have enjoyed hearing:

Museum Tour Guide: "And look how beautiful St. Michael is. He has an effeminate face, but -- that's okay -- because he's a saint."

------------------------

Someone once promised me all the blankets I want. (That is presently my only fond memory of him.) I think a lot of people would give me a blanket if I asked for one, but I don't really respect a lot of these people. I just want to lie in bed all alone with myself and think about me for days at a time. I wouldn't get bored.

Today I took a nap and dreamed about scenic design and construction. It made me feel really good. Dreams about scenic design and construction make me feel good in a way that no person or blanket ever could.

Dear Kristin,

Life is way too typical and realistic once again. I need to talk to you soon via celly piece or internet aim. Or maybe you should just come here and we'll talk it through in person.

- Dan

---------------

Dear Kimmie Bullock,

Suck a dick.

- Dan

Everyone in my religious studies seminar on Paul is a senior. I think there are two juniors. Every last one of them is beyond ambitious. Every last goddamn person in this class wears glasses. Half the class are Religious Studies majors. The ones who aren't are Classics majors or History majors or have other majors that give them some sort of right to be in this class. Everyone else in the class is already full of religious studies expertise. I'm the only person in the class that has not published a textbook that we are using in the course. Everyone else in the class was either in one of the original churches founded by Paul in the first century AD or they were in his immediate family. Or they are him. Why was I allowed to take this class?? They know what my major is! They know I can't possibly write a paper/read a book/learn a fact/take a note/attend a class/care!! Why did no one tell me this class would be contained in the elusive realm of college reality??

you are natasha. on the outside you are nice and
normal; only your friends know how ridiculous
you can be. you are an awesome singer and your
unrequited love needs to realize this, among
other things. you probably drive a 1987 hyundai
and are super sweet.


Which H-Cafer are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Last night this girl had the stupidest milk I've ever seen. It was a standard Garelick milk jug. Handle, plastic cap, semi-transparent. But it was so small and stupid looking. I almost vomited. It was literally one glass of milk but in a jug. Why do they sell those? What is that handle for?? What could possibly happen with such a small quantity of milk that you need a handle stretching all the way down one side? It was just like a plastic mug with a cap. But gayer. Like that was all the milk this girl needed for the next week. Just that one glass and she's good to go. I mean I understand the personal-sized bottled milk. It's convenient for on-the-go milk drinking. But this! This was not convenient for anyone, least of all, me. Doesn't she care about anything? Doesn't she know that you save money by buying larger quantities? Maybe she knew she would die today and knew that was all the milk she would need. Maybe after seeing that milk on the shelf she knew she had to kill herself so she figured she might as well buy it. If I ever see her again I'll punch her in the face.

This morning I listened to Hanson and I really miss Judith and Alayna.


------------------------------

I voted:

Nicest Eyes - Kim Bullock
Most School Spirit - Sara Henry
Finest Azz - Laura Zeugner
Best Penmanship - Tanya Sampson
Least Friends - That girl who sits behind Kateri in English
Tiniest Mouth - Clara Donohue
Most Infinite - Debbie Granville
Soonest Birthday - Christie Fisher
Dearest Bungler - Alli Bibaud (posthumously)

Edit:

Most Likely to Suck at Life - Matt Tivnan
Most Likely to Cry - Matt Mara

That purse is too suggestive.

Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade, biznitch.





Kristin,

Yesterday I carved all the lyrics from My Chemical Romance's second album into my forearm.

- Dan

P.S. I feel better today.

Dear Kristin,

Suddenly, no at last, long last I have received my new cell phone. It's pretty nice. I'm sure we'll get along. I just need some time to get to know it a little better. Anyway, the number's the same (508 615 5352) so everyone I know can just go back to calling me hourly as usual.

- Shape

Kristen Looter, et al.,

Holla-backs for Spring Awakening went well. Cast list tomorrow at 10am. I've developed an eating disorder just because I'm too lazy to cross the campus to get food. My roommate ignores my every attempt to not ignore him. I think its time to give up and resign myself to another year of silence in my room.

- Shape

Dear Kristin,

So as luck would have it, I will be spending this semester at the school I swore my whole life to avidly run from -- the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, Massachusetts. I guess it won't be bad. I have friends there. I have family there. Probably this will mean way more Dad time than I could ever want/need/bear. The #1 reason I was excited to go back to school was knowing that I would not have to deal with him on a regular basis. Now I live at his work. Well okay.

- Dan

www.whyamibackatthishellgaykatrinagaylife.com/myphoneisbrokenagain





For now I am not leaving my house or my weather channel but I really want to see Kim Bullock and that girl who looks like Blossom when she wears a hat.

Well, it was to be expected. I should have seen it coming. It's my fault really. I'm the one who told Shannon to come to Loyola but I never expected the gross destruction that follows her every move would be so far-reaching this time.

So after less than 24 hours back in New Orleans I am home again. My life is trash.

Dear Kristin,

I added Ryan Starbuck on the facebook.

- Dan

Dear Kristin,

CELL PHONE CRISIS RESOLVED. It was the battery!! It wasn't the phone!!!! Ol' Indestructible is going to be back in business in a couple days. Meanwhile however, if anyone who is spying on this private letter from me to you wants to contact me before I go back to school on Saturday they would do best to call my house phone -- 508 852 1404. (INTERNET PREDATORS TAKE NOTICE... INTERNET PREDATORS TAKE A GANDER)...

Okay so beyond that I have now realized that I am going to get a motorcycle. I mean, I don't know how to get a motorcycle license or anything but I will figure that out soon enough. Do you have to have a driver's license to get a motorcycle license, or are they independent of each other? Well, only time will tell, BUT BUT BUT at least now I have a direction in my life: get a motorcycle.

- Dan


UPDATE: I checked with the RMV and now know the procedure for getting a motorcycle license. (I don't need to have a driver's license.) I think I'm actually going to do this.

Dear Kristin,

MY CELL PHONE BROKE. MY cell phone, my best friend, Ol' Indestructible, is no more. I don't know what to say. I just feel sort of lost... There were some good pics of me on there that I hadn't uploaded yet.

- Dan

P.S. I CARE MORE ABOUT PHONES THAN REAL PEOPLE/RELATIONSHIPS




And oh some days you'll be happy
But it won't be easy
It's never that easy

Dear Kristin,

"It's pretty perfect that you care more about MySpace than about real relationships and people. I guess the joke was on me!"

- Dan

Dear Kristin,

Take it to the scoop, if you will.

- Dan

Dear Kristin,

Just so you know, last night I was kissed by the prom king.

- Dan






Maura told me which boy to be in love with so I was, and then he liked her but she made him kiss me, and this all feels exactly like what would happen and what did happen and (evidently) what does happen, and it makes me really happy.

Dear Kristin,

The funny thing about New Orleans is that it truly believes it is the best place in the entire world and that anyone would love to move there if they only had the chance. However in reality New Orleans is a fairly ordinary city. Sub-par even. I'm like that, aren't I?

- Dan


P.S. Tonight I went for a walk and headed down a side street that I was unfamiliar with. At the end I found out it was a dead end. But when I climbed over the fence at the end of the street I discovered that I was on top of a big, steep hill looking down at a beautifully lit McDonald's. I sat at the top of that hill for over an hour.

We are celebrating my 19th birthday tonight in the party room of Denny's. Please meet at 11pm. Everyone ever is invited. Bring everyone you like in a world. Bring friends, enemies, moms, pets, etc.

oh and 5086155352

Dear Kristin,

I think that if I am ever going to do something worthwhile I will have to read the Aeneid.

- Dan

P.S. Today I went grocery shopping and tried to eat everything I bought at once.

Dear Kristin,

Last night I dreamed that you and I were flying. FLYING. Just flying. Just soaring brilliantly over valleys and plains.

- Dan


( A dead Lois?Collapse )

Ms. Kristin Lewter:

What my doctor originally took to be strep throat has now been proven to be mono aka mononucleosis aka they put me on steroids. Today is Alli Bibaud's birthday and you don't know her but I wish I could have seen her today even though it might have been a little awkward because of that time. Unfortunately I am confined to the home still and were it not for J.K. Rowling's stunning contribution to children's fantasy literature and the comedy of Judy Gold on HBO on Demand I would definately be suffering from cabin fever aka cabinitis infection.

- Dan

Dear Kristin,

Well the usual hell abounds. No one liked my pasta salad at the pot luck. I am currently braving Strep Throat aka Group A Streptococci Infection aka West Nile Virus. It is no good at all. Fever and swollen throat and mouth full of mucus and pus. But it has given me some time to stop eating like I always wanted to and to reread Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix before the release of Half-Blood Prince next month. (I think I might reread them all backwards.) I guess I'll see you in a couple weeks to watch Center Stage and eat salads from Wendy's. Write back soon!

- Book 'em, Danno

Well Kristin, things have been going pretty well since last we spoke. I am feeling a little sick today but I am in good spirits because I just bought the first season of Punky Brewster on DVD. Me and Kevin had a long "talk" last night about our "situation" or something, so needless to say life is an exact "hell" and I am just about tired of it. Life, not Punky. I wonder if Monica remembers the list of qualifications for a potential boyfriend I made with her. Or rather, in front of her. If she does, then she will recognize this gross breach of contract. Well, I guess I didn't "real"ly expect anything good to come from "life". Anyway, how have you been doing?

-------------------------------------
Make a random list of 20 people you know and then see if you can answer the following questions about them....


1. Alayna Kirk
2. Maura Curtin
3. Heather Robertson
4. Erin Mullaney
5. Erin Slimack
6. Kevin Smith
7. Ashley Laverty
8. Shannon True
9. Kristin Lewter
10. Keith Dusoe
11. Jackie Binkoski
12. Natalia Barquet
13. Lindy Bruns
14. Debbie Pennison
15. Laura Zeugner
16. Sara Henry
17. Kimmie Bullock
18. Liz May
19. Liz True
20. Amber Royal



Who is #8 going out with? No one. Unless things are working out with Chris. Or Mark.
Is #9 a boy or a girl? Debateable, but more than likely a girl.
Would #11 and #2 date? I don't know. Jackie's still getting over that hard break-up with Joe Doyle. And Maura would just say that Jackie hates her and make her drive to Charlton.
How about #18 and #4? I doubt it. Erin likes boys as far as I know.
What grade is #17 in? She will be a senior in high school this fall
When was the last time you talked to #12? Probably somewhere around May 12
What is #6's favorite band? according to his myspace profile he enjoys Fiona Apple, Gillian Welch, The Cardigans, British Sea Power, Franz Ferdinand, Múm, Sarah McLachlan, Neutral Milk Hotel, Elliott Smith, Tool, Georges Delerue, The Carter Family, Liz Phair, Broken Social Scene, The Beastie Boys, Noel Coward, Rufus Wainwright, Ani DiFranco, TLC
Does #1 have any siblings? Yes.
Would you ever date #3? Nope.
Would you ever date #7? I don't think it's possible (or legal) to date yourself.
What's #15's last name? Zeugner
What's #10's middle name? I hope I never find out.
What's #5's favorite thing to do? Drugs?
Is #13 hot? Not really my type, but she seems popular with the fellas.
Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? YES OH MY GOD YES THEY WOULD
What school does #20 go to? Worcester State
Tell me a random fact about #11? One time I drove her car up the street.
And #3? She'll always correct you if you write a Z backwards
Have you ever had a crush on #15? no but we made out once according to photographs
What's #4's favorite color? Green i think
Would you make out with #14? YES OMG YES YES
Are #5 & #6 best friends? Nope, but he likes her a lot.
Does #7 like #20? I don't know if they've met...
Does #8 like #19? Yep. They are sisters.
How did you meet #2? I think she was trying to suck my blood or something... who really knows?
How did you meet #18? Friendly's. She was with Matt. I was with Julia and Erin I think.
Does #10 have any pets? Oh, who the hell knows. My god.
Is #12 older than you? about the same age, but i don't know who's older
Have oral relations with #3? we talk to each other
Is #17 the sexiest person alive? Possibly. It's debateable.
Does #2 have any cute siblings? NO.
What about #16? yes. both of them in very different ways.

I am troubled by the fact that all day long everyone can see my face but me. The only time I see my face is when I look in the mirror, and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see.
I have begun to age. There are lines on my face.
Lines under my eyes.
Lines on my forehead.
Lines around my mouth.
LINES which were non-existant even six months ago.

Despite my soul's urgent need to resist the process of aging, my body seems to have other plans.
Struggle as I might, I can never overcome this fact. It is one of the cruelest conventions of the world. No matter what I do, no matter who I really am, there is always a part of me I can never hope to change. There will always be the exterior that can never be forced into the shape of my interior, that will never be able to look like me.

People tell me these lines are trivial, but I know that I will never learn to accept the fact that in the struggle between body and soul, the soul can never win.

I will be back in Worcester in 8 days and that is possibly okay.


to Kevin:

Silence
lay steadily against the
wood and stone
of Hill House and
whatever walked there walked alone.

-Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House



( to me:Collapse )