This is how I felt five years ago:


I say to my Mum and Dad all the time, "Hug me!" and "Love me!" and wonder if they'd forget to if I didn't.

On my dresser I have all these perfumes: Chanel No. 5, Chanel Allure, Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, Marc Jacobs Eau de Parfum, Alexander McQueen Kingdom, cK One, L'Eau D'Issey and Michael Kors for Her...
and I wouldn't buy any of them again if they'd make a perfume that smelled like my German Shepherd's tummy.

In the beginning, you fall into the sadness and in a small way you love it. It's an excuse to wallow in everything bad that's ever happened to you or anyone you know. But towards the end you just want it to lift, to go.

So I try to be perfectly behaved and everything falls apart. I give up - and now I am ashamed of how badly behaved I am.

When I look at my dog, I wonder how she can be so different from every other dog in the world, and confident that she's okay, that she's beautiful and meant to be here and that she is doing her job, we need her and she is loved.

Because she is getting on in years, her fur is going grey in places around her face and under her chin. She sleeps inside these nights because it's so cold. Tonight we watched movies together and I felt a little bit better than I have in a while.

Even if I am destined to be lonely forever, I can still have pets.

 

The End of Adam
Darling, I came by
to love you for a while.
Your smell in bed,
your scratchy face on mine -
I won't pretend I will forget.
But I could sing to the stars
that it's over now,
instead of grieving that you're no longer mine.
The clouds will pass in time -
it's natural,
just like the turning of the tide.
And I'm so glad you were written in on my life's script -
but it's time for me to take the stage again.
I know that we were meant to be,
but no one tells us "meant to be" may not last for eternity.
Because of love
you are the sparkle in my eye,
the love which will soon draw another man's wandering desire.
For us, it's all int he past
but there will be new beginnings.
Love doesn't belong to me,
it never belonged to you,
it doesn't belong to us,
or in a song -
it is free
and won't last if you drag it down or start to fake.
My heart is calmed but still awake.
Take comfort,
love makes no mistake.

Current Mood: contemplative

 

Don’t look too closely at this drinker’s skin of mine,

ignore the kitchen, drowned in last night’s mess,

overlook the overdue bills sprawled out on the desk.

If you hold my hand, don’t notice how my nails are broken.

When the alcohol wears off, don’t describe what I’ve become.

Don’t raise your voice; you know I’ve had enough.

Please forget the stories from my distant past

that I told you happened once upon a time.

The hazard signs are up as I’m a work in progress but

one of these days I’ll pull myself together to try and pass the test.

If all you can think about are the things I can’t be

try to remember your warm wet skin crashing into me.

Screaming abuse in the middle of the street and out in the rain –

then we made up against the wall just to start it all again.

Baby, I’m a rip in the wild eastern ocean waves.

I’m the hot sun that loves your naked back

but I’ll give you cancer if you gave me half a chance.

I’m a dysfunctional family with the parents getting divorced.

In any conversation, I’m the words better left unspoken.

Tear at my edges and let me bite on your tongue,

push your body to my boundary and see how it responds.

In my doorway when you return from work you’re sex in steel cap boots.

Turn me on like ignition and put your pedal to the metal -

this engine was made to roar.

I’ve been round this town and down this road before

and the places I’ve been are more than just a little rough.

But I think you can handle it easily

you always were so good at handling and feeing me.

You can treat me badly, even tie me up.

I’ve seen it all before and frightened even the guys who thought they were so tough.

One of these days you’ll get sick of excuses

One of these days you’ll want to play in less dangerous spaces

That’ll leave your soul intact.

but I promise you’ll miss the thrill of my threats.

I’m far from perfect and everything I have is at risk

so roll the dice – this turn is yours and almost worth the price.

I’ve got so much fucking wrong with me

and things are so far from fine

but baby don’t it make my blue eyes shine.

 

Current Mood: morose

Sometimes I just want to die in a car crash…

dead at the scene in a black BMW.

I could just fade away from life with a legitimate reason –

the idiots on the road –

and people could speak pretty words at my funeral

and pretend I had a pretty life,

that I was a pretty person.

Sometimes I want to move to Paris

without knowing a word of French,

start using a different name

and smoking different cigarettes.

I could waitress in one of the numberless cafes

and save my petty money for Hermes and Chanel blankets

to curl under

as I artistically cried myself to sleep.

Sometimes I want to imagine the same life I live now being better

being perfect –

but I know it doesn’t exist.

Even with blue contacts and foiled hair

I’m not fooling anyone.

I’m nobody’s fool

and I’m not fooling myself.

No matter how far you travel

you always remember where you came from.

I didn’t come from a car crash or Paris or perfect people

I came from an old dusty house in suburbia with old parents

who had more to pay attention to than me.

I am going around in circles

and driving myself insane.

Sometimes I think that the problem with life

is being alive.

I never want to live forever

but sometimes I’d like to sleep for longer than that.

Sometimes it’s easy.

Most times it’s hard.

And it’s all just time…

Ticking…

I don’t know what to do with it,

but it goes past anyway.

Sometimes I wish it would stop.

 

I’ve pretty much been asleep for two days & already celebrated Halloween, if ‘celebrating’ is what you can call it…Dressed as The Angel of Death, pissed off everyone @ the party, smoked too much & went home with the guy I was eyeing off all night. Left one of my earrings there & lost my phone. Pretty much shaping up to be my regular weekend…I’m such a textbook borderline it’s not funny.

Speaking to T about it & she slapped someone for bitching about me as ‘crazy cutter bitch’ which I prolly brought on myself by shoving my arm in people’s faces and saying “look how good my make-up is” cause people had drawn fake wounds on their wrists. Anyway, I went home with the bloke the girl who said that liked so she can suck it up. Get my stitches out tomorrow & maybe will buy some fucking expensive silicone dressing thing to reduce the scarring…Who’s gonna trust a psychologist who has tried to hack her wrist off?

So I’m swearing off men, starting my walking route tomorrow, hopefully turn into jogging after a few days so I can do this half-marathon in April. Being a better friend, drinking more water, eating properly, stopping self-harming, quitting smoking, quitting drinking (at least spirits)…yeah riiight.

Current Music: Dixie Chicks

Got to see him today. New tattoo, toned & tanned from work. It's like I can't help myself with him. But one of my closest mates was really bad today & for the first time I was terrified that I'd actually lose her. I have a family who are not my 'family' but we are linked by everything but blood - But they fall & I bleed so that's a blood tie. I just want to be able to take the pain away & I can't & it breaks my heart.

& I'm a little tired of being heartbroken so I'm getting hyped for uni which sounds insane, but I can't wait, I'll sink my teeth into it so I can do Honours & I'm going to be really good at my job, then I'll always have that as something to keep; that I'm trying, that even if isn't a beautiful world people are just people and most of the time they're just doing what they can from where they are with what they've got.

Listening to Pearl Jam, feeling okay about today cause it's over and getting later. If we're all still alive then it's nothing more than a bad day. I can deal with a bad day & so can she & it is refreshing to find this strength to say to the powers that be fuck it. Throw whatever you want on us, because we can deal. We've all got each other and you're never gonna touch that.

That's how I know they're my family...that I'm going to fall asleep tonight feeling loved & having people in my life who I can honestly turn to and say: I wouldn't swap the pain for never knowing you.

And I wouldn't.

Current Mood: grateful

 

"During those afternoons, lying in bed until the light faded, she wrote things on her arms and legs, places that she knew could be hidden with clothing, digging deep into her flesh with the pen. 'Sometimes,' she wrote, 'I feel like I could start crying and not stop for a day and a night, and maybe that would be enough. And maybe it wouldn't.' She wrote, 'Sometimes I feel like I have a ragged hole inside me, and it gets bigger everyday.' She wrote, 'Once upon a time, there was a girl who just disappeared.'"
Carolyn Parkhurst ~ Lorelei's Secret

Current Mood: drained