*grrr*
well it's been a while.....and 25 has come and almost nearly passed me. it has been a pretty spectacular year, in retrospect. however, the closer that 26 gets, my fears of becoming 30 and being in the same spot in life is just completely overwhelming. it does get better, right?
something else i wanted to touch on......see, i don't live at home anymore. and when i say home, i mean i don't even live in my hometown. last summer i picked up my life and started over somewhere utterly foreign to me. i'm pretty close to my family, so of course leaving was hard but considering the source of my birth, it wasn't hard to make the actual decision to get the fuck out. anyway, i call my folks every sunday to catch up. besides, i do get some enjoyment out of talking to my parents once a week....just means that's less time that i have to spend catching up w/everything. so i get on the phone w/my dad and he starts in w/this: when are you going to get a real job and start making real money.
you can see my predicament.
the only reason he said that is b/c i just thanked him for the check that him and mom sent me. on top of that, the only reason i had to ask for financial assistance was b/c i was out of work for 2 wks. b/c i had my fucking gall bladder taken out. they knew in the back of their head that i was going to need help, i mean hello....i had shit to take care of. so anyway, of course it wasn't a problem then, but it's a problem now. i was doing good. i wasn't asking them for money, for anything really. infact, i had been working towards paying them back. and up until i bought my new car (which i needed), i WAS paying them back. but i bought the car which needed insurance, tags, etc. so i was behind in paying my folks, which they said they understood, but clearly my dad has a different opinion.
he always does.
why does he always do this to me? he knew i was going to need help, he knew i was going to ask, he was waiting for me to ask him and mom for money to get me to the next check.....WTF?! why ya gotta me give me the guilt trip? why do you have to always make me feel worthless? he does this, man.....he makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like i'm not good enough--unlike his 2 other children....his perrrrrrrrrrrfect children. my brother and sister, who i love dearly and would die for, are the perfect children. i'm the black sheep. i always have been b/c i don't believe in conforming. i believe there's more to life than working in a factory. i believe that you CAN find a job that you like, regardless of the pay. i would rather work a job that i like w/only mediocre pay, then have a good paying job that i hate. it just makes more sense to me. whatever.
he doesn't think about the bigger picture. he says he does, but he doesn't. i took time off work b/c i was deathly fucking sick. i mean ffs, i had surgery. fucking surgery. and, And, AND....if i could've just taken vacation time to help w/that, i would have. maybe i just should've put my surgery off for the 2 wks. that it would've taken for me to have my vacay time activated. maybe that would've been better.
anyway, i guess my point is this: wtf do you do w/a hypocritical parent to get them off your ass other than telling him off and making the situation worse? i'm not a little girl anymore and i DON'T have to let him push me around and talk to me like that. but i let him do it anyway, for the sake of arguing. i don't call to pick fights w/my dad but he knows how to push my buttons. i don't like to fight w/him b/c then it upsets mom (b/c she knows what a fucking dick he can be) and then THEY fight and then somehow it's still MY fault b/c then he'll come back to me and give me a fucking guilt trip b/c they fought b/c i asked them for money.
wtfe.
something else i wanted to touch on......see, i don't live at home anymore. and when i say home, i mean i don't even live in my hometown. last summer i picked up my life and started over somewhere utterly foreign to me. i'm pretty close to my family, so of course leaving was hard but considering the source of my birth, it wasn't hard to make the actual decision to get the fuck out. anyway, i call my folks every sunday to catch up. besides, i do get some enjoyment out of talking to my parents once a week....just means that's less time that i have to spend catching up w/everything. so i get on the phone w/my dad and he starts in w/this: when are you going to get a real job and start making real money.
you can see my predicament.
the only reason he said that is b/c i just thanked him for the check that him and mom sent me. on top of that, the only reason i had to ask for financial assistance was b/c i was out of work for 2 wks. b/c i had my fucking gall bladder taken out. they knew in the back of their head that i was going to need help, i mean hello....i had shit to take care of. so anyway, of course it wasn't a problem then, but it's a problem now. i was doing good. i wasn't asking them for money, for anything really. infact, i had been working towards paying them back. and up until i bought my new car (which i needed), i WAS paying them back. but i bought the car which needed insurance, tags, etc. so i was behind in paying my folks, which they said they understood, but clearly my dad has a different opinion.
he always does.
why does he always do this to me? he knew i was going to need help, he knew i was going to ask, he was waiting for me to ask him and mom for money to get me to the next check.....WTF?! why ya gotta me give me the guilt trip? why do you have to always make me feel worthless? he does this, man.....he makes me feel like shit and makes me feel like i'm not good enough--unlike his 2 other children....his perrrrrrrrrrrfect children. my brother and sister, who i love dearly and would die for, are the perfect children. i'm the black sheep. i always have been b/c i don't believe in conforming. i believe there's more to life than working in a factory. i believe that you CAN find a job that you like, regardless of the pay. i would rather work a job that i like w/only mediocre pay, then have a good paying job that i hate. it just makes more sense to me. whatever.
he doesn't think about the bigger picture. he says he does, but he doesn't. i took time off work b/c i was deathly fucking sick. i mean ffs, i had surgery. fucking surgery. and, And, AND....if i could've just taken vacation time to help w/that, i would have. maybe i just should've put my surgery off for the 2 wks. that it would've taken for me to have my vacay time activated. maybe that would've been better.
anyway, i guess my point is this: wtf do you do w/a hypocritical parent to get them off your ass other than telling him off and making the situation worse? i'm not a little girl anymore and i DON'T have to let him push me around and talk to me like that. but i let him do it anyway, for the sake of arguing. i don't call to pick fights w/my dad but he knows how to push my buttons. i don't like to fight w/him b/c then it upsets mom (b/c she knows what a fucking dick he can be) and then THEY fight and then somehow it's still MY fault b/c then he'll come back to me and give me a fucking guilt trip b/c they fought b/c i asked them for money.
wtfe.
