havent had dinner and yet i suddenly remembered the existence of this blog. sigh sigh, it's been so long.. poor ol blog. keeps getting abandoned and then remembered about half a year later. all those 'chim', sad and depressing thoughts of last year seem so far away now that i'm relatively content and am lounging at home doing nothing with my time.
anyways, for an update. as usual.. worked myself to death during eos 3, where i experienced stresses beyond anything i ever have.. started to understand how some ppl can crack under the pressure of performing.. but have come through that somewhat unscathed. besides a few days of worrying myself sick and seriously doubting how i did in the exams. but as always, God is the best! He pulled me through with grades i know i didn't deserve. yes, i did work hard. to the bone. but even that doesn't justify the way i screwed up and stil got excellent grades. He rewards! really.
had an amazing time after the exams, nonstop partying and going out. intent on never spending our time lazing around.. good times those were.. delayed my coming home, but never got to do everything we planned to do. haha. so i've been home abt a month now. nothing very interesting to tell there, except i'm now in my new house in "sua tu" as cherie v calls it. she basically means live in a secluded hard to reach area. exaggerating. ish.
and a month HAS passed real fast. valentine's day. which i realised is just a day. nothing to get worked up over. right? and now chinese new year.. nt very eventful. kinda boring in fact. maybe in comparison to some ppl's fabulous holidays.. haha.. not resentful. just wistful. lol.
anyways, sorry this is not an interesting or even remotely intellectual update, but yeah, creative juices running kinda dry.. not much one can blog if nothing happens worth mentioning. ciaos ppl..
i don reali noe what this post is all about. mayb about me learning over the course of this week that things dont always happen the way i want them to. and learning that the best way to handle it is not to throw a tantrum and cry and demand what i want or need but to look beyond myself and not be so self-centred. because ultimately nobody can give me everything i need. nobody but the Lord Almighty. and He has been giving me the strength that i needed. so much so that the things that used to bother me, do not bug me as much as they used to. that i can now look at myself and see myself stronger than i was. that i dont feel dependant on what ppl say or do, or do not do or say.
i prayed for freedom, from bondage, from caring too much about others. and He granted it to me. He is so great and awesome! seriously.
I'M FREE! yay, and yippeedeedoodah.. haha.
for a change of topic, we met the juniors on thurs and friday. lots of them seem nice.. i've even chatted with some of them as if we were frens. well, after a week of orientation that should be the case. many imcc potentials in this batch, and i'm in the mood for reli getting to noe some of them. met two of them in snl yesterday, edwina and lynn xuan, so am reali excited for this batch. hehee.. woohoo... gonna be a busy week, but it'll be worth it. after all i noe the seniors who orientated me more than any other batch. hehe.. wen hao, jay chris all u ppl, this means u!! hahah..
and yesterday i went to watch the ant bully. it was quite nice for a cartoon.. and had lotsa moral values to it too.. somewhat like a disney cartoon. hahah. good day yesterday was. hehe.
oh, and sth sad. i bought a reload for 30 bucks and it's invalid!! argh. i dont wana but a new one so i have to live on rm 0.10 til monday morning when vk bookstore opens and i can change it. i hope. thank God for Hotlink rewards, cos i got 200 free smses to 012 ppl.. so those with other providers, i cant reply u for the time being. hahah. 175 left and counting. haha.
arsenal lost! buahahaha.. so mean ar me.. hah.. sorry naichen paul n alvin lai n quah.
i better start doing sth productive. like study. haha. fat chance. hehe.
apologies, not that many ppl are reading my blog anyways. i miss home. just came back today after a 2 week holiday in kuching. which explains the long absence. because the house computer is kaput. i really really miss home. especially right now. because no one is home. and my dear brother cried again when i left. as always, but it still gets to me. because i miss home. and my family.
i sound like a broken record. oh well. mite as well make it another time. i miss home. so much. even though it's onli been less than a day.
just had a majorly long orientation meeting. i'm pooped. should be sleeping. next few weeks are going to be killer. what with orientation and imu cup. jus to let wen hao have the satisfaction, i have decided to go to dive-in, as i am not required to attend ALL orientation events. heh.
tired. sad. bummer.
I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong
There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope
[what can i do - the corrs]
just heard it on the radio. spent the lunch time putting our lovely orientation banner up. spent 7 hours on it with mustaqim n wei cheong mainly.. and it looks SO good.. and then i watched eight below. remember alvin, we wanted to watch it?? it's quite good. not an action flick but a touching movie. then i sat down, and some memories came to mind. some good. some bad. sometimes i wish things could be simpler. then it wil always be good.
going to kkb on wed. and mummy was just here yest, met up with her on saturday, bought new shoes. hehe. i was so reluctant to leave her yest, suddenly i felt homesick. like i needed my mum or my dad to hold me and tell me things are going to be fine. that no matter what, they love me. that i always have a home to come back to when things get rough. problem is, it's not that near. and i cant keep running to them. i have to face my own problems.
but cheers to my mummy and daddy. for being there. for being supportive. i love you guys.
i've just got to thinking that it's in man's nature to sin. take a child for instance, no one taught him to throw tantrums, or grow up into a rebellious teen. but he does. which means that it really isn't that surprising when people (even the best and most righteous of people) disappoint you, and just are not there when you need, or even want someone around. so why is it that i linger on with the hope that people aren't really as bad as they seem? that the indifference is not due to lack of caring, just lack of expression? because the only reliable thing in life is God. He doesn't change for no apparent reason, He listens. without judgment. so why do we seek approval, encouragement from mere man?
but then i realise that we ARE given a choice. a choice to choose what's good. not only for ourselves but for those around us as well. and so i hope. that people will surprise me in a positive way. and give me reason to trust. that when it comes to the critical moments, those i expect to understand will be there. because there is good in people. it just needs to be practised.
okay, the above is rather sombre i know, but it did come to mind, and putting it to words just made me feel more at ease. and helps me to cope when things don't go right. because when it's rationalized like that, it's no longer an emotion, it's a puzzle. with a solution. which means i can dismiss it more easily. which makes me NOT AFFECTED . yays.
tomorrow i get to be thrown. yes, thrown. cheer practice. kinda. suddenly i'm tired of chim stuff. it'l be so much easier not to think and accept anything that comes. but man are curious creatures. which explains it. i don't really make sense. time to stop. haha. ciaos.
when pastor tim talked about the devil distorting dreams, i knew then that mine had been severely tampered with. i had been dreaming BIG. but about the wrong things. so, i had to shift my focus back to Jesus, and His plans for me, instead of my own selfish dreams for myself.
so, new dreams = rearranging priorities
altered thinking habits
changed atitude
purposeful living.
Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
[penned at 12.45 am, 16/7/2006.]
dreams.
not of my own happiness or satisfaction,
but God dreams.
of emulating Jesus.
of reaching out without expecting a reward.
of loving unconditionally,
no strings attached.
of seeing beyond myself,
at the people around.
of leaving smiles,
with one constantly on my face.
of self-sacrifice,
for the good of others.
of an assurance,
that God loves me, even if others do not.
of showing God's love,
so that they may love Him.
of giving,
and not expecting to receive.
of caring,
because everybody needs it.
of being secure,
in the knowledge of my identity,
my purpose, my plans,
my relationships, my beliefs,
my LIFE.
i have many dreams, yes, and it's not going to be easy.
but with God, all things are possible!
i can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13.
what a strange colour. i don't like orange.
needless to say, it's rotation time. and somehow it's not quite the holiday i pictured. probably due to the theory that things are enjoyed better when you're not supposed to be doing them. like when you're supposed to be studying, lying in bed staring at the ceiling is actually entertaining. but when you have the liberty to do so, the appeal is gone. so you try in vain to find something to do. something you said you'd do when you have the free time. like mindlessly surfing the net. or washing your shoes. but in the end, sleep is the best option.
i'm starved for company. sitting at home alone is not the way to spend an afternoon. especially since sad blogger here has just posted something this morning. which made her late, because she thought class started at 1030 when it actually started at 10. what a whole load of jumbled up thoughts i've just written.
never mind, pirates2 comes out tomorrow, and we've got tickets! =) and my shoes are kaput. can probably be fixed with chunks of glue, but like a friend said, it's an excuse to buy a new pair. shopping anyone?
God is love, and because God gave us his love so freely, so unconditionally, we can love others and be loved by others. i've come to realise that there's no rationalizing the reasons we love, no explaining the sacrifices we make. because the ultimate thing is that love will always be undeserved. and yet God loved us so much, despite our shortcomings, our sinfulness. because love is a gift of grace, something we receive but yet we do not deserve. so love. because it is the greatest gift you can give.
on another note,
i volunteered for skate malaysia two saturdays ago (24/6/2006). was a runner, going back and forth between the judges table, office and scoreboard. the only real highlight was watching the higher level skaters perform later in the evening. wish i had the elegance and skill to execute some of those elements. and comparing myself with the little kiddies only served to make me determined to learn more the next time i skate. some of them were so pro despite their age! God-given talent.. got a free shirt. lol.
saturday was also yeap's 21st birthday party.. was a large affair, with an amazing turnout. shows how many ppl like yeap huh? like fish and jaslyn say: yeap is cute! haha.. to cut a long story short, somehow, during the birthday song, me, jaslyn, haz and kal were dancing like back-up singers, swaying side to side and clapping. suddenly everyone notices us. and then yeap pulls me out, and of course i grabbed kal's hand, producing a human chain. it ended with us doing the back-up-dancers-routine-thing with yeap in front of all his guests. talk about thick-facedness. later on i got a little drunk on music as i normally do and was itching to dance. but sadly there was no dance floor, so i resigned to bopping on my chair. haha. oh, and jin feng came with liying as well. there was one cool moment when pat and kong fui shared a flaming lamborghini (looked pretty awesome). and then we watched the germany-sweden game. quite an entertaining night i would say, despite the fact we were supposed to be studying for cvs.
[this post was written way before cvs ended, but had no access to internet, so it's only up now. ]
p/s: and sorry no pics on yeap's bday, takes ages to load. maybe later.
Name:
rachel tan yun xin (yun, yunnie, yunner, yunnyboo?)
Bdae:
17th nov (yeah!)
Skool:
lodge school!! taylors college sj.. imu bj
[[*My Adores*]]
Pastimes:
talking, listening to music, onlining, reading, watching footie, watching tv
People:
all of you!! frens, family...
[[*My Past Memories*]]
|July 2005|August 2005|September 2005|October 2005|May 2006|June 2006|July 2006|August 2006|February 2007
[[*The Conversations*]]
[[*My Friends*]]
|cherie lai|
paul|
john|
|mei fong|
zue wen|
hui lin|
|cyndi|
justine|
|jiat|
shing|
hanna|
cherie voon|
|irene|
ricky|
jude|
christina|
|li shun|
ivy|
li shan|
|alvin lai|
wen hao|
jay|
|steph wong|
nai chen|
|carol yong|
sharon lim|
|so-p|
lizzy ciyeng|
shawn|
gee|
