(978): Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)

(817): Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??

(919): everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

(302): The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected

(386): I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): thanks for that.

(253): Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

(816): We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

(+61): It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.

(614): Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.

(563): even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair

(810): Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

(540): you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

(240): When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th

(1-240): 133 to go

(641): she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

(407): We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.

(336): you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): Sobriety and mild self-respect

(206): Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.

(402): I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

(903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): I'll be there in 10

(607): I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...