Because I Forgot

I forgot what it felt like to do nothing else - Nothing else but to purely, innocently and intentionally love someone.

The trouble with me is this: I know I love people, there's nothing else I'd do. I can so easily make a list, each by name. But the way I show them love, sometimes makes them fall apart, which makes me fall apart later.

And sometimes, your love seems to end. They see it that way at least.

All of me screams first in frustration then in a silent plea, "Don't tell me what to do. I've never quite stopped loving you."

Sometimes I no longer know why I weep, and I lose sight of why I do what I do. Well, no one asked me to right? I can still turn around, make the choice not to love, and walk away.

But there's nothing in me that even wants to walk away.

So I wait. I linger. I hurt. I deserved it.

Did I really?

And I pray a little more each time, that the door to Jesus would always be open. Because He is love, and I am only a vessel.

Vessels fail too, don't they? What about me? 

As long as they are safe and founded in Christ, I have nothing to fear. I have no regrets about loving them.

I will keep loving, even when the door is closed. I won't push or strive too hard, but maybe when the door opens again, I'll get a glimpse of how they love me too.

At the end of the day, there's nothing great about my love, or the measure of my love. Because if I forget who loves me, who the source of my love is and how He first loved, it'll mean absolutely nothing.

So God, help me. Help me to live what You spoke to me, even if it's going to hurt me along the way: Don't just love them to death, love them to Jesus.

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." - Benjamin Disraeli

If anyone doesn't know or can't tell, I'm a feeler by nature, and I have a minor (major in some cases) problem of feeling too much at times. I struggled with it for awhile recently, hearing my heart violently object and finding all reason to prove that it's okay to be this way all (if not most of) the time; that it's not exactly my fault since it's something in my nature that I can't change. But along the way, I realised, I could.

For one, I don't apologise for being my sometimes overly feeling self, simply because I refuse to compromise who I am. I choose to allow myself to feel and react by feeling, not just because it's instinctive, but it's also when my entire being allows itself to be real, authentic and honest with itself and with others too. I can only hope and pray that this part of me is both appreciated as well as rebuked in love in the moments I.. overdo it.

I'm really quite bad at rationalising when I'm caught up in my feelings - I'm much more aware of that now as I've ever been. And I guess because God knows that, He gave me people in my life to be my rationalisers. These people don't rationalise for me, they do it with me. They journey with me and help me reflect through what I'm feeling, and still find it in them to love me in that process. And if you ask me, I think these people are amazing :) I thank God for each one of them, for loving me and caring enough to walk me through my weakest, most vulnerable moments. I'm not sure if these people know who they are, but I sure hope they do. They absolutely need to know just what kind of a role they play in my life - Vital as ever, else I'd be a wreck most of the time, haha!

There are still many things that I'm learning, unlearning or relearning and I'm probably going to stay a work-in-progress all my life. But that's okay with me. I will take steps to truly learning and living not by what I feel or see. So please, be patient with me, for me.

All I am, is a testimony of what I'm going through. And I hope people see the imperfect parts of me more than all the things I've got right in my life. It's only through the wrong, flawed and imperfect parts of me that they can see God, and His grace, that empowers me to be more than who I am. I'll conclude with a line from a song I sang when I was still in Junior Church, "And I just thank You, Father, for making me, me."

Don't ever despise the things that go wrong and don't judge or condemn yourself for all that you can't be, even if you'd like to be stronger than that. It's not easy, but it's possible.

C. S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

I was. A Kingdom kind of world. Therefore, through Christ, I am a Kingdom being. I was made and still am worthy.

So are you.

Mistakes

I always knew I was bound to make mistakes. Big ones, small ones, significant and (almost) insignificant ones. Mistakes were always part of the bigger culprit, most known as imperfection. Some mistakes have been long-standing, while others were recent. But it's one in the same. And just as time stops for no one, mistakes don't either.

Amidst falling (from grace) and making them, I realised why I felt the way I did, because I'd forgotten what it was like to make sincere unintentional mistakes. These are the ones that hurt deeper, the ones that break mutual trust, the ones that take longer to heal. And also the ones I never meant to make.

As aware as I was of the impact and consequences, I just couldn't seem to avoid it. 4 situations, 4 people I hold dear to my heart, and 6 wounds. Why 6? Because apart from the 4 people I hurt, I was hurt too, and so was God.

My heart took all four blows and was suddenly filled with fear, uncertainty and panic and I believe the state of my heart was quite a tragedy in itself. Those who were close enough stand witness to that. I don't remember feeling such an intensity of pain or the uncontrollable and unstoppable urge to burst out in tears. I held it against me for these mistakes. I blamed myself for the consequences. I couldn't make any step to make things right because I was so hurt. Just as they were hurt, I struggled big time too. Tough stuff.

A few weeks down, I still don't feel settled in my heart or spirit, but I know that things are in control. I've had to learn what it means to brave through the pain, to emerge a little less fearless and to take intentional steps to start redeeming my unintentional mistakes. Not everything is forgiven, forgotten or anywhere near over, but I believe that by God's grace, this pain, discomfort and strain will be gone in due time.

Dear mistakes, you hurt me and the people around me so much, but you also always never fail to teach me lessons I'll never forget. I know God uses you to teach me more about Him. And because of that, I don't hold anything against you (I try not to at least). Because of you, I now know how God's got me in His embrace, how He's got plans and specific intents for every single mistake I make. I'm not sure if you can be as much as a friend as you are a foe to me now, but maybe in time, you'd be embraced in my life. Yes, even with the pain and hurt.

I'm completely imperfect, completely sinful, completely guilty as charged for all these mistakes. Believe me when I say I'm sorry, because I've cried many nights being so apologetic. But can I please, still choose to live forgiven? I know I've been forgiven in the eyes of God, but now my heart needs to know its been forgiven by the 4 of you. As much as I'd like to be understood, I dare not ask for understanding. But one thing I do ask, is for your forgiveness. I cannot do everything though I've tried my best to. I don't promise to do better, but I promise to try, if you'd give me the chance to. If that isn't enough, then again, I'm terribly sorry.

(I'm going to be real, open and honest here. Whoever reads this, thank you for hearing me through my pain. I appreciate you.)

Love,

Your cell leader, your mentor, your bean friend, your (closest?) friend

So, go on..

Live like you're not even alive.

Live as if God wasn't real, that His love doesn't exist.

Live as if the weight of the world was yours to bear. That everything in your world isn't worth the pain.

I dare you. Cause that's what you get when you live out of your own being.

Live like that, and your life wouldn't be worth living.

Keep doing that and your life's always going to be a mess. Curse, complain and whine about your situations and circumstances, because that's all you see, that's all you experience and everything about it just leaves you weak and helpless. And I know full well that emotions and feelings are kicking in at full speed as you struggle with your problems and issues, but even those, aren't good enough reasons to resent your life.

Words not just for others, but for me too.

I've been back in places and areas of my heart that I don't want to remember or revisit. And I've been questioning why I would have to keep going back to my places of weakness over and over and over again. I went back once in September last year, I am back there again in February, this year.

Oh the frustration that's been piling :(

But then I pull the breaks, stop, pause and remember, that I wasn't called to live like this. I wasn't purposed nor placed here, only to be dissatisfied and adverse toward the life given me. Sure, as Christians, we are called to be in, but not of the world. That means to hate the world, but that doesn't mean to hate the life given and gifted to you.

Life in itself is a gift. I would have no life at all, had God not chose me. And I have to learn to acknowledge this in the midst of being blinded, tempted, tried and attacked, as well as leading others who are too. Leading my girls though my life is filled with the same inadequacy is a challenge I took up years ago when I first started leading. And now I stand to struggle with that same issue, but I'm not intending to be defeated.

At this point, I know what my girls mean when they say, "Nat, you don't understand. Every single day, something goes wrong in my life. Not in a small way, a big way. That doesn't happen to you." Because now I can tell them I do, I understand. The past 2 weeks were really rough, in so many ways, both in and out of the office. I really don't want to remember, but I think I'll have to.

The other thought tied to all that I've been talking about was this:

Why do we live such careless lives?

It's one thing to dislike or resent life, but it's another to take it away from, you. Like you have the right. Stubbornness and pride tell you that you do, but what if you just bothered to take time to remember that someone else bestowed this gift of life to you? He even died just to gift it to you. He went to the cross for you. And this is what you so carelessly proclaim with your mouth? That you just want to give up and, die?

Please don't get me wrong. I've just been in places of conviction, strong ones, and I felt I needed to share it. Not just with you, but with myself too.

So, go on. Live.