student stories

today.

[ben had missed the beginning of class]
ben: "ms. stewart, i don't know what's going on..."
me: "okay ben, i'll get with you."
.... awkward silence... everyone laughs...
me: "i'm still learning to think before I speak."
... everyone laughs
me: "ben, i'll give you the notes."
.... later on....
austin" "ms. stewart, i wasn't here for this..."
ben: "don't worry, austin, she'll get with you."

stuff christians like

i have listened to this podcast 3 times this week.  it's jon acuff as a guest speaker at kairos.  it's about "plan B."  the first part is just kinda funny.  i loved it. listen here.

God just really spoke to me.  convicting and encouraging all at once. 

Jon talks about how God asks for everything from us.... but we don't want to give him everything... we're often scared that if we give him everything we are going to be miserable.  if I give Him my friendships then i'm going to be that weirdo whose hobby is Jesus.  If i give him my hopes and dreams then i'm are going to be forced to sell everything i have and move to africa to be a missionary. if i give him my dating relationships then i'm going to have to become a nun or be miserable.

if the first thing God is going to do with us when we give him everything is the worst thing we can imagine.... thats a pretty horrible god...what does that say about who we think he is and his character?

what does that mean if thats the first thing we expect from God? how twisted is our perception of how he does our lives and how he loves us?

Jon explains hearing God speak to him while praying one day.  His book was about to be released and he wondered... what if God allows this book to fail to teach me a lesson?  and he says that He just heard God say to him, 

why is misery the only lab you'll allow me? why is failure the only place you think i can teach? you know how to mourn with me but not dance... you know how to cry with me but not laugh. what better way to show my true character which is goodness than through goodness? why cant i teach in joy? do you not think a father who holds his newborn child experiences my love and my pleasure?

why is misery the only place you'll see me?

thats what we do. we hold it all together. and give God the God parts sunday morning. 

then he read one of my favorite verses:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

zephaniah 3:17  

i loved this message because so often i do relate to God this way.  I think surrendering my life to Him completely sounds really scary.  there are times when I truly trust and just let go. it's getting easier.  and there are parts that are easier to let Him have.  But often I am so scared of what He will do with me if I give Him all of it.  

why is it that i expect that I can't trust Him with my life?  Hasn't He promised me that He works everything for the good of those who love Him?  Hasn't He promised good gifts for His children? why do I think I know what's best for me more than He does?  

He takes great delight in me.

song

i went to fellowship's 4th annual "love your neighbor" benefit last night... kari jobe sang this song.  i am in love. on repeat.

more thoughts on saying yes

some days God makes it easy for me to walk where He is leading.  Some days I experience so much joy as walking in obedience comes naturally.  Other days it is so hard.  Today is one of those days where I just don't want to walk through this. 
As I was thinking about that today God reminded me of Jesus' words when He is about to be crucified for our sins. 
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” [luke 22:42]
I feel like i know how Jesus felt [of course to a MUCH smaller degree].  Today is one of those days where I just want to pray, Lord, take this cup from me. I am trying so hard to follow that with: yet not my will, but yours be done. 
In my weakness and in my inability to understand the mystery of who God is, I'm so scared.  Scared of what he will ask of me... scared of what He has for me... or doesn't have for me in the future. 
It's so difficult for me to just be present in today.  Because today life is not easy.  Today, I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  I'm walking through what feels like the hardest thing I have ever walked through.  And I would rather just hop to the future and be okay.
I already see the work God is doing.  I already see the good.  Tons of good has come because I said yes to this. So my tendency is to want to say...okay, God, that's enough now.  that's a whole lot of good stuff you've taught me and given me.  now let me go apply it.  But I have to trust His timing and trust His plan. I have to believe that He who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion.

All I can do is ask for His strength to enable me to walk in obedience.... hoping that as I take steps down this path He's made for me my heart will eventually follow.

jonah

so thankful emily o. told me to read the book of jonah.  

the short version is basically that God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah and preach His word to the people there who are "in a bad way."  Jonah gets up and goes the other direction.  He gets on a ship headed to Tarshish.  He is literally trying to run away from God.  So God sends a huge storm over the sea.  The other passengers on the ship realize that God sent this storm because of Jonah's disobedience.  So Jonah gets thrown off the ship.  God sends a huge fish to swallow up Jonah.  And it's there, in the stomach of the whale, that Jonah decides to pray and to recognize the fact that God is the only one who can rescue him from this mess he has gotten himself into. 

And God rescues him.  And then Jonah goes to Ninevah and preaches God's word. [there's some more good stuff at the end but i'll stop there.]

So often I hear God speak and ask something of me and I run in the other direction, away from the His will.  I either feel afraid... or that He is asking too much of me... or I just plain don't want to... and so I try to run away... i try to avoid Him.  Then God allows things in my life like huge storms or getting eaten by a huge fish [just figuratively, of course].  God allows me to be in a place where I recognize my need for him to rescue me from the mess I've made.  And he does.  And then I do His will.

I want to learn not to go about it the long way every single time.  

I think this starts with understanding who God is... God is love [1 john 4:8].  It's not just that he is loving... he IS love.  He cannot act outside of that love because it's part of his character.  it's who he is.  So whatever God asks of me He is asking out of that love.  He is asking because he loves.  if i truly believe that then i would trust, right?  somehow it isn't always that easy.  but I'm getting there.  

Even as i ask God to help me to trust His love and His will and to just be obedient to wherever and whatever he calls me I still feel nervous.  I'm still scared of what he might ask of me... what he might have me give up.  but I am letting go a little more daily and learning to surrender and to trust.  being convinced that whatever He is asking of me is the best thing for me.

The good news is that God still uses Jonah.  He can still use me... even when i take the scenic route to get there.

convicted

so a lot of what i feel lately can best be described under the category convicted. it's weird though because i also feel so much freedom. it's like the more things i feel convicted about the more free i feel to be better. does that make any sense? probably not.

for example.... this verse...

"be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live."

even in those little 2 sentences from 1 thessalonians 5 i feel so. much. conviction.

the part that is most convicting to me is the "be cheerful no matter what" part...

me in the past:
but God! i have low blood sugar! i'm practically hypoglycemic! it is perfectly natural for me to be a huge brat when i'm hungry! i can't help it!

nope. he says be cheerful no matter what. even when i'm stressed.  even when i'm hungry.  even when life feels unbearable.  when things don't go my way.  i am still called to be who God wants me to be... regardless of these worldly circumstances.

yes i think it's okay to have feelings and to express them.  but having feelings and expressing them is different than being a huge brat to the people around me.

"thank God no matter what happens"  i almost feel like this one is easier for me than the be cheerful one.  why does being cheerful (or as the other translations put it- be joyful always) no matter what seem so impossible?  i think it's because it seems like i will have to fake it.  like i don't really feel cheerful when im hungry or stressed... but im supposed to pretend?

i don't think that's the point.  i think the point is that I need to be working toward a place where I am so in love with Jesus and so confident that he is ALL i need that the other stuff just doesn't feel like a big deal anymore.  if i truly trust and love the Lord with all of my mind, soul, heart and strength then I will be able to live joyfully, cheerfully out of that love knowing that He provides everything I need.

i'm sorry to those of you who have experienced my bratty-ness or lack of cheerfulness or lack of joy.  i am learning what it means to be truly fulfilled by the One who created me and sustains me and learning to live my life out of gratitude for what i've been given.  and it's so good.

fighting the good fight

Note:  i hesitated about posting this because it feels so very personal to me.  it reveals my sin nature. i am not posting this because i am okay with revealing intimate details of my life to strangers.  
i like posting what i am currently learning because it helps me process. and i also like to give God an opportunity to encourage others through what he's teaching me.  if you don't want to know personal things about me, then stop reading. :)


i am currently processing through a break up.  i am such an analyzer.  so naturally, i have been analyzing.  i have been thinking back over my past relationships and comparing each outcome.  i like to know why.
i realized that each of my serious relationships [although pretty low in number] have ended quite similarly.  although each one feels very different.  i used to think that this meant all guys were the same.  but if that's true then how does any relationship work?  i came to this lovely realization that the common factor in each of these endings/issues/outcomes is me.
during the few months leading to the end of each of my relationships there have been some similar feelings.... 1. i don't feel pursued anymore. 2. i am living in fear and i feel the need to control. 3. there is a lot of conflict present. 4. i become distant, undisciplined and complacent in my walk with the Lord.  
Here's the thing i came to realize in a real way for the first time today.  satan is hard at work in our world.  now that is something i have definitely known for years.  but did i actually believe it?  my actions certainly did not show that i did.  
i cannot just walk through life with no discipline and just rely on the fact that I'm a Christian and that I love Jesus.  Because I really do. more and more daily.  but this is a battle.  i have everything i need in Christ for life and for Godliness. but i have to fight for it.  daily. if i give satan even a millimeter of room he will move in.  satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  if i leave space for him in my life, he will go quickly to work at trying to steal it and destroy it.
satan knows where i am weak.  and that's exactly where he attacks.  he sneaks in like a thief in the night.  but i am not powerless against him, praise God!
whether i am dating my future husband or not or even if i am single satan still attacks.  and if i do nothing to combat him, he can destroy my relationship, my very life.  and i hate that i have ever let him.
But the good news is that Jesus has already won! and he lives in me! the same power that conquered death lives in me. 

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. [exodus 14:14] God will fight for me.  But I have to let him.  

God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

 Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. [ephesians 6:10-18 message]

i loved both the message and the new living translation so i included both.

A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.  Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

[ephesians 6:10-18 nlt] 

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. [1 timothy 6]  

i will fight the good fight.