I feel the need to blog today.

I dont feel like speaking to anyone right now. Nobody who is at least awake in my time zone. I feel spent. I have put everything I could in this relationship, and I think I need to soon cut my losses, and give up.

It is strange that when we were growing up in India, it was always assumed that your personal life would sort itself out as you grow up, and the part that you really need to work hard for, is your professional life. That cant be further from the truth. Apparently success at work comes naturally to me, but not other things.

But then again, it really is silly for me to think I would have got a happy ending. Note to self - get real!

Catching a breath.

It has been a crazy busy 4 weeks since I got back from Kenya. Dont think I'll ever get around to doing the travelogue, which is a shame, considering how awesome the trip was and how memoir-worthy each day was. Sigh.

I'm trying to superwoman but it is tiring. I am juggling a full-time job, classes and assignments, job applications and interviews, a second year project and a voluntary teaching for a finance class. PHEW! Yep, my sentiments exactly. To make matters worse, the boy is out of town for a whole month (this being only week 2... and I miss him loads already!) and my upcoming US visa application is threatening to fall apart. Did I mention to you that I'm off to another business school in New York for an exchange semester from January to May? Oh well, I am. But unfortunately, that means canceling my current 10-year visitor visa and applying for a 4-month student visa. And the paperwork is taking FOREVER.

I'm trying to destress with cooking and swimming. I aint a good swimmer, so I decided to join a course and it starts at 730am tomorrow. So every Wednesday, I'll go swimming, then go to work and then run to my evening class. And hopefully, it is all going to be worth the effort.

Hakuna Matata

Jambo from Kenya! I've been here for 5 days now, and man, has it been awesome or what! Meeting up with old friends and new, seeing the extraordinary animals of the Masai Mara for 3 days, shopping, eating, drinking and gambling in Nairobi, going to Lake Nakuru for a day trip tomorrow and to Naivasha for camping over the weekend. Must I get back to London and studies on Monday?

Happy puppy

It has been a great summer. But like all good things, this will come to an end. But instead of moaning and whining about it, let's cherish it for what it was. Great weather that made me finally appreciate London, and a great internship where I learnt a lot and met some awesome people. The good weather is already on its way out, and tomorrow is my last day at work. Next week, I am back at school.

Also, I met him this summer. And though it is still too early to tell, I think it is going well for now. We've been together for a month. He's an absolute sweetheart. Mature, kind and fun. I am celebrating the end of the internship with a weekend trip to Lisbon. With him. I am a bit nervous and a bit excited and a bit restless - all at the same time. Nervous - well, how will it be to be with him 24/7?! Excited - has been ages since I traveled with a boyfriend. Restless - can we get to Saturday already??

I'll tell you how it goes. For now, it is all rainbows and butterflies...

No mood to work.

Absolutely none! I'm flying off to India tonight, and I'm realllllly looking forward to meeting Aristera, his boy and the Brat. Fine, I'll tolerate the family for a day. But just a day. And then it will be a weekend of fun at the Pataudi Palace. Yayyy!

So the bag is packed, the boarding-pass has been printed, the prayers have been said ('cause one if flying Air India for the first time in her life!). Now all I need is a glass of champagne, a kiss from him (even if it is on the phone), and off I go.

PS - I wish life wasnt such a bitch and he wasnt working such long hours and I'd get to see him more often. I wish.

Correction

So blogger is a bit weird. Last time, it said I had 500 posts. Today, it tells me I have only 450 posts. Strange. Don't know which is true, but there goes my entire blah from the last post about 500 posts.

Anyway, can I just tell you something if you promise not to ask me for more?

Yes? Deal?

Okay.

It is too good to be true.
*gushes*

Knocking on wood and praying that it doesnt sour anytime soon...

Ye lamha, filhaal jee lene de...

Work is crazy this week. It is 10:30pm and I'm still in office. And it was the same way yesterday. It will be the same way tomorrow. But hopefully it will get better after that. I have a house guest on Thursday and Friday, so it will be a bit of a challenge managing that with work and *him*. Juggling too many balls - sigh. Can't wait for the weekend! Hope the sunny streak continues and I can catch some sun, some lunch and some time with him.

This also happens to be my 500th post on this blog. Wow, what a long way we've come... I know this blog isnt what it used to be. But nothing in life lasts forever. Some things, actually many things, in my life atleast, come in phases. And they fulfill their purpose. And they are gone. I feel the need to write again. So here I am. Who knows, after a while I might not.

Did I mention that despite all the work, I'm in a happy place? It is strange, isnt it. I work 14-hour days, and I eat bread-n-jam for dinner, and I barely get time to blow-dry my hair before I hit the sack, and I havent had time to do laundry for 2 days, and I am still happy. In this moment. It feels good. It feels right. Somehow.

Introductions.

Nope, I am not naming *him* yet or introducing *him* yet. But today, you get to meet another friend of mine, who has become quite dear to me recently. I met him a year back, at the school pub, in a rather tipsy state. We started off by him buying me a tequila shot. I found his name strange. He told me he was from Israel. I was intrigued. I actually thought he was hitting on me. But he wasn't. So we went through a bit of confusion, a bit of does-he-like-me-does-he-not, a bit of time away, and then slowly we became friends, and then we became buddies, and then we became confidantes. And that's the way good friendships should develop - slowly, with baby steps. So he got a job offer last night (one of many to come, I'm sure) and we celebrated with good dinner and a glass of champagne. And I told him I was happy we were friends now, and I appreciate how patient he is with me. I'll call him Moses - for the obvious reasons... and I am happy he's in my life. I am certain he will be, for a long time to come.

1 Year.

It has been. 1 year since I moved to London. 1 year since I was in Asia. It has been one year of excitement, loneliness, friends, enemies, good times, lessons learnt, self-doubt, travel, postcards, more travel and studying. Yes, a bit of studying in the middle of everything else. So allow me to be happy about making it to the Dean's List for year 1, despite all the rest that I was up to. Yep, top 10% of the class in a global business school. I am officially a nerd :)

I am beginning to like London. And I think that will play an important role as I decide where I'm headed next year after graduation. For now, it suffices to stay I dont mind living in London for a few years, even if I head to Singapore or Hong Kong after that. But they say the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, so I shouldnt think too much.

I still refuse to name him, because it hasnt been long enough... but I think it is moving in the right direction. Very very slowly... baby steps! I'm cautious and scared and happy... inshallah, it will all turn out well.

India Calling

Let me start by saying Buzz is stark-raving-mad! Like completely outrageously crazy! And I know he's reading this. So yes, you... you have lost it. He sends me a text at 5:20 this morning to ask who I'm dating / is it someone he knows / makes a 1000 guesses. I just blogged about it last night and he's already been on my case all morning. Buzz is mad.

Moving on.

Aristera is getting hitched. To the love of his life. In a very grand ceremony in a very grand palace outside Delhi, they will be exchanging very grand Cartier rings. Would you expect any less of Aristera? There is a reason he picked 'aristocrat' as his nom-de-plume, because he truly is. And I am actually flying down to attend the ceremony. A weekend trip to India... it will cost me dearly in time and money. But that is what good friends deserve. That is what good friends are worth... and much more. I've bought the tickets and I've decided on the wardrobe and now I'm trying to pick a gift for them. Any ideas? And to top it up, Brat will also be there! He is my date for the evening, and I am quite certain we are going to get drunk and have a rocking time at the cocktail reception, and will be suitably hungover for the ceremony the next morning. But it is all good!

23 days and counting... I am really looking forward to this!


PS: Yes, I intend to blog more regularly... cross my heart and all that xx

Hallelujah

Firstly, I can't believe blogger is accessible from work! OMFG! How did this happen? Well, lemme make the most of it... because once I'm home, I'll be too tired to write, even though I'd like to.

So I'm halfway through my internship - I wasn't really sure this would ever happen. But it has. Investment Banking in the City in London. Still sinking in :) And no, I'm not doing M&A, and whoever thinks that investment banking is only M&A, lemme say, doesnt really know the world of finance. Project financing, leveraged financing and structured financing are all more interesting and fun than plain M&A. So yes, you morons who cant stop going on about your careers, just shut the eff up!

Anyway, work is great. And I've realised I find working more thrilling than studying. I know almost everyone in my class is looking forward to getting back to student life - an easier, relaxed life with less pressure and responsibilities. But not me. I'd take this any day. Infact, I'm a little sad that I have to wait another year before I get back to real work life again.

I'll tell you why I love it so much. I am learning a LOT. The industries I'm working on are interesting. And the team is a global one, so I get to work on deals all over the globe. One week it is Saudi Arabia, then it is Chile, and then we talking about Egypt and now I'm modeling a deal in Congo. Wow! I sometimes need to pinch myself. I was never really sure I was cut out for this, or up for this. But it turns out I am :) Add to it some reallllly excellent colleagues. A bunch of smart, witty, hardworking and interesting guys. Yes, I say 'guys' for a reason. Other than the secretaries, there are barely any women in the team. Welcome to Investment Banking, I guess.

You must be wondering why I'm suddenly waxing eloquent about my job, after 2 rather melocholic posts.... and if it was as good as I make it sound, why didn't I write about it before? I've already been interning for 6 weeks. Well, I'll tell you why. I didn't write about it, because despite work being great, I've been feeling low for a few weeks now. I've been feeling lonely. But over the last one week, there has been something to feel a little more upbeat about - I won't even name him, and it is wayyyyyyyy too early to say anything, but his presence in my life makes me a wee bit happier. Pray for me, that it only gets better!

Silence

Is it just the lonely summer, or am I really starting to re-think my life? Sometimes you realize how alone you are, and you start asking questions. You ask questions, because you want to know why life isnt perfect. Because you believe, it should be. Because you assumed all along, that life will work out perfectly... everything will fall into place, eventually. And now there's a slight hint of panic - when it suddenly dawned on me, that perhaps it might not work out. Maybe everyone doesnt get a happy ending, maybe life doesnt always get better, maybe there isnt perfection for everybody. Maybe I need to learn, to live with my loneliness. Sometimes you cant find a way out, because there isnt one.

Canarias :)

What a lovely weekend it was, of sun, sand and the sea. Perhaps it isnt so much about Tenerife and the Canary Islands, but more about me finally being on a beach, sunning myself, without the coats, the boots, the sweaters, the winter. It felt like home. Sitting in Monkey Bar with cocktails and sunsets reminded me of Cafe Del Mar and KM8 in Singapore... gosh I love the sun in my eye. Sleeping on the beach or the poolside... dressing up for dinner... hanging out with girlfriends. Was a good break. At the same time, I'm not sure Pinks and Ia are very compatible, and perhaps it is time to heed Buzz's advice and not mix my friends. And maybe I need to spend time on my own as well... perhaps a sole vacation is a good idea? Yeah, a soul vacation :)
I am in NO mood to study this term... really, I am struck by wanderlust. Have visa, will travel! So next weekend I am going to Rome for a school trip - yes, a powerplant visit for our core operational management course, paid for by the school. Of course I will extend my stay for the weekend and visit the Vatican and the Colosseum and party with my classmates. A couple of weeks after that, I am going for the European MBA tournament to Paris. Brat says I go to Paris these days like people go to town for dinner in Bombay. Hehe. And maybe, just maybe, I might meet the sister in Athens for the last weekend of May. The one thing I'm enjoying most about being in London, has been getting out of London and traveling in Europe. Inshallah, these plans, and more, will all work out :)

Updates

No, I didnt get the internship I really wanted. I didnt get most of the ones I realllly wanted either. But then I got something which isnt too bad. And it is based in London, which I wanted. So well, times are tough, and I made a few mistakes, and I wont earn as much as I'd like to over the summer... but I'll be at a bank that I like, and doing a role which I'll enjoy, and be in a city I want to start liking.

Spring is here, and that sooooo helps brighten up my mood :) Longer hours of sunlight, less woolens, and wearing my new Armani shades almost all day. Today I even changed from boots to heeled shoes. Me likey :)

There is another piece of good news - Batman will be in town next month, and I am reallllly looking forward to meeting him after almost a year. It was soooo great to chat with him yesterday. I hope we get to spend some real quality time together.

I've been traveling. Went with Pinks to Marseilles for a week in February. Then visited Jupiter in New York last week. And for easter I'm off to Tenerife with Pinks and Ia. Later this month I'll be going to Rome for a school trip, and early next month to Paris for an MBA tournament.

Visiting Jupiter for a week was therapeutic! I liked NYC soooo much more this time. Her apartment is posh and huge and I'm soooo proud of her! She did good :) I had a relaxing week of shopping, art and Central Park, punctuated with lunches, coffees, dinners and drinks with Jupiter. And LOADS of conversations. I miss her! I'm sure I'll be back there in a few months. God bless affordable transatlantic tickets!

The summer term started yesterday, and the amount of work seems daunting! It is 11:30pm and I'm preparing for tomorrow's classes, and I still have atleast 2 more hours of work to put in. AARRGGHH. Thankfully, the work-week is shorter and there is a beachy, sunny weekend to look forward to. Canary Islands, here I come :)

Nervous

A lot depends on tomorrow. My last big chance to get a big internship in a big investment bank. Yes, it has come to that. Just 1 more shot. And then, I'm out of the game. It will be very disappointing if I dont get it. But as they say, life will go on. I've prepared as much as I could... very diligently infact, for this big one. Inshallah, it will all go well.

I dont know if I will get any sleep tonight... my hands are itching to make phonecalls. But they will all be the wrong calls. To ex-boyfriends, to lost loves, to friends in wrong time zones. Oh how I hate these time differences! Tristan is out having a fun night, otherwise I could have shared my anxiety with him. Oh well, perhaps I can have a fun night tomorrow, if the interviews go well?

Life has been throwing such curveballs my way lately, that I am a bit tired and worn out. It all looks perfect on the outside - the MBA, the parties, the travel. But inside, something is dying. Something is sad. Something is restless. I really need some reassurance right now... a sign, perhaps?