Well, partially :)
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Vagabonds and Clowns
When a heart breaks, it don't breakeven.
05 December 2011 @ 05:17 pm
That means I'm happy.
Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
At night when I see the star-littered skies, I wonder why I don't see it from where I come from.
In fact, stars are not the only things I can't see back where I come from.
The treasure of used toys. The sweat of every grain. The brevity of every kin. The triviality of dirt on skin. The luxury of mattresses. The tear of every goodbye.
I guess reality's that we need the ugly to see good.
07 November 2011 @ 11:31 pm
I thought today was a lovely day.
I didn't do much, which was the best part of it. I forgot how it felt like to not do much, and not feel guilty.
The film 'The Killing Fields' has been sitting at the edge of my table since pre-Promos and I kept promising myself that I'd watch it, and I did. It's so heartwrenching to even imagine that such a thing could happen. And perhaps having been to Cambodia helped because I could associate them to what we saw at Tuol Sleng. But most of all, I guess it hit home mostly because I felt somewhat ashamed that I occasionally question why I keep going on service learning trips. And if everything will be worth it, and not to mention the incessant reminders of my need to prioritize and be more forward-looking and start exploring other options and beautify my portfolio...
But you know what? I guess not. If anything, this show only renewed my sense of purpose. I want to go back, and I also want to see ball boy and Ben 10 so badly.
Oh a less nostalgic note, I caught the loveliest sunset today. I am so proud of myself for googling 'sunset time' and making it to Lower Peirce with my sis and my dad and and and ahhhhhh. :") I thought my day ended quite perfectly.
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie
04 November 2011 @ 07:33 pm
Hello I miss writing.
It's just that I've been tumblr-ing so much, I've gotten used to using pictures to express my feelings. Or calming images or quotes or things that make me happier.
I think it's odd, though. That I'd say "make me happier", which implies that I'm not as happy as I should be, or in simpler words just simply unhappy. Not that I really know why, and in fact I really don't know why. These later half of the year's just been a tumultuous ride of emotions and mental strength and I can sadly conclude that at 17 - yes I'm already 17 - I am not prepared for anymore surprises life has to offer.
In these past few months. I've seen coming and I've seen going. I've felt affection and relived dejection. I've pushed myself but I've also pushed others away. I've pulled some closer but I've also pulled the wrong strings. I've been rewarded generously but I guess I haven't learnt to reward generously myself. I've been understood, misunderstood, and re-understood. But I've not understood so many things and the reasons they happen.
In these past few months, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way. And the more consciously I tried to piece myself back together, the more callously and carelessly I'd fall.
I don't know anymore. No, I think I know. I think I know very well what stands behind everything. I just don't want to admit it, I just don't want to speak of it, and I just don't have enough faith in my troubles to dissipate into nothingness. It's easier to keep it in - saves you the effort, awkwardness, and judgement, sometimes.
If it's only human to feel, then why does feeling feel so rarely painful?
Hello livejournal, after 4 months. Now this is awkward.
It's just that I've been tumblr-ing so much, I've gotten used to using pictures to express my feelings. Or calming images or quotes or things that make me happier.
I think it's odd, though. That I'd say "make me happier", which implies that I'm not as happy as I should be, or in simpler words just simply unhappy. Not that I really know why, and in fact I really don't know why. These later half of the year's just been a tumultuous ride of emotions and mental strength and I can sadly conclude that at 17 - yes I'm already 17 - I am not prepared for anymore surprises life has to offer.
In these past few months. I've seen coming and I've seen going. I've felt affection and relived dejection. I've pushed myself but I've also pushed others away. I've pulled some closer but I've also pulled the wrong strings. I've been rewarded generously but I guess I haven't learnt to reward generously myself. I've been understood, misunderstood, and re-understood. But I've not understood so many things and the reasons they happen.
In these past few months, I think I lost myself somewhere along the way. And the more consciously I tried to piece myself back together, the more callously and carelessly I'd fall.
If it's only human to feel, then why does feeling feel so rarely painful?
Hello livejournal, after 4 months. Now this is awkward.
Current Music: Kina Grannis
14 May 2011 @ 11:52 pm
Ah my gad. Sara Bareilles made my week.
So anyway. While my journal's been dead, my being has been quite the opposite! Anyway in summary of all that thinking I've been committing to, I think the gist of it all is being wary of words. As much as any individual person is entitled his or her own rights to vent any grievances, I think more often than not we underestimate the power of words. I've been guilty of that all my life, indiscreetly displaying my idolatry for sarcasm. But I guess there comes a point when sensitivity trumps amusement and there comes a point when you stop. I guess no matter how irritable or peeved we are in any matter, there's no need to blame the rest of the world for it - as much pleasure as you squeeze out of it - and resolute to demeaning this unsympathetic world. If everyone's gotta empathize with me, who's gonna empathize with everyone? Well, lesson learnt.
And thanks to Ms Soon - my favourite till now:
Let Your Light Shine
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson.
The day we all find a new sort of satisfaction in simpler things and tell ourselves we are absolutely pleased with life, will be a lovely day :-) Till then, peace out, yowz
So anyway. While my journal's been dead, my being has been quite the opposite! Anyway in summary of all that thinking I've been committing to, I think the gist of it all is being wary of words. As much as any individual person is entitled his or her own rights to vent any grievances, I think more often than not we underestimate the power of words. I've been guilty of that all my life, indiscreetly displaying my idolatry for sarcasm. But I guess there comes a point when sensitivity trumps amusement and there comes a point when you stop. I guess no matter how irritable or peeved we are in any matter, there's no need to blame the rest of the world for it - as much pleasure as you squeeze out of it - and resolute to demeaning this unsympathetic world. If everyone's gotta empathize with me, who's gonna empathize with everyone? Well, lesson learnt.
And thanks to Ms Soon - my favourite till now:
Let Your Light Shine
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson.
The day we all find a new sort of satisfaction in simpler things and tell ourselves we are absolutely pleased with life, will be a lovely day :-) Till then, peace out, yowz
01 May 2011 @ 12:05 am
Don't give up now. You've come this far, you won't stop at that. Knowing you, that wouldn't suffice. That amount of effort wouldn't suffice. You're more than that, you know. You're more than complains, whining, bitching and idling. You're more than giving up. You're more than succumbing to your weak will. You're more than what they say.
She said, "It's all in the mind."
Just focus. And remember why you are doing this. Remember who you are doing this for.
She said, "It's all in the mind."
Just focus. And remember why you are doing this. Remember who you are doing this for.
18 February 2011 @ 10:32 pm
So I haven’t written properly for quite a while. Not to mention that these days my writing - or my life - is mundane to say the least.
Today marks the end of my... week. I’m not exactly prepared to face the fact that it’s now the middle of February.
1 and a half months of being SH1. And I can only confidently say that many things have changed. I’m at this level where you either get a headache trying to pay attention, or you just give up because the lesson’s going too quickly. I’m at this level where I’m no longer a privileged IP kiddo in a class of 20, lessons going OTOT, and we’re asking questions like they’re on sale. I’m at this level where I’m no longer in the comfort of my 05 darlings, their jokes their laughter their table-slamming.
Then today when my OG got their class allocations, I remembered how it was at the end of Orientation’09. I parted with my OG not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if I’d be banished to some mugger hole or if I’d be perished to some Loserville. I didn’t know what this ’05’ thing was, I didn’t know what it meant. Like ’05’ as in the last class of the level? Literally? So my life went on, in and with 05. But then before I really had anytime to reflect on how the past 2 years have been like, I’m at my third and today, today I felt particularly thankful. That even though we’re all in all sorts of subject combinations, we still have that 1 hour of GC period a week to make a hell lotta noise in. We still have that occasional common lunch period to sit at our table and rock back and forth in laughter, at the same people, at the same things. We still have that 20 minutes of assembly every day to face the back of another one of us, and sing our anthem the volume equivalent of a 4-person radius. (Okay, joking bout the last point) And now I’m in my third year, and if I was given any chance to choose, I would still choose oh - the people I didn’t know, didn’t know what to expect of, didn’t know how to behave around - five. And heck being an Arts student, I think 05’s really too good for my vocabulary to handle.
Just saying.
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Born This Way
01 February 2011 @ 09:37 pm
Yawn.
Orientation is over! Or at least, there's 1/5 of of it left.
There's always this bittersweet feeling after orientation, like a good mix between relief and nostalgia.
I'm so tired from all the late nights and early mornings. From all the yelling and running. Though I faintly remember feeling like a orientee myself, I do remember how hard it was to make me cheer. I can confidently admit that I wasn't prepared for raising their morale given how the first two days of orientation totally... brought it abyss(us)-deep. And now that the tables have turned, it just feels so... damn good to have a group of strangers cheering with you like you were friends from years ago.
Okay my bad. I'm totally unapt at reflecting slightly more profoundly on my eventful-would-be-an-understatement week.
Maybe I just wished I could make it tonight.
I'm so nervous. Maybe I just wanted to prove to myself, or at the back of my mind - to someone else. But I just... cannot get myself to mentally prepare myself for the worst. I've prepared for many worsts - you would know I'm a pessimist - but not this. Maybe this time, I just need some affirmation that life is... not that unfair. Maybe, I'm so busy because I try to occupy myself to rid the room for worries. Maybe, this time, I won't let it go so easily.
On an ending note, hello February. You came way too quickly.
Orientation is over! Or at least, there's 1/5 of of it left.
There's always this bittersweet feeling after orientation, like a good mix between relief and nostalgia.
I'm so tired from all the late nights and early mornings. From all the yelling and running. Though I faintly remember feeling like a orientee myself, I do remember how hard it was to make me cheer. I can confidently admit that I wasn't prepared for raising their morale given how the first two days of orientation totally... brought it abyss(us)-deep. And now that the tables have turned, it just feels so... damn good to have a group of strangers cheering with you like you were friends from years ago.
Okay my bad. I'm totally unapt at reflecting slightly more profoundly on my eventful-would-be-an-understatement week.
Maybe I just wished I could make it tonight.
I'm so nervous. Maybe I just wanted to prove to myself, or at the back of my mind - to someone else. But I just... cannot get myself to mentally prepare myself for the worst. I've prepared for many worsts - you would know I'm a pessimist - but not this. Maybe this time, I just need some affirmation that life is... not that unfair. Maybe, I'm so busy because I try to occupy myself to rid the room for worries. Maybe, this time, I won't let it go so easily.
On an ending note, hello February. You came way too quickly.
Current Mood: 
distracted
distracted21 January 2011 @ 08:25 pm
I realized that I forgot to make a new year resolution.
It's two weeks into school! Yes. School like, SH1 school. School like, life-without-sciences school. School like, no-pw lectures, no-econs-lectures school. School like, start-at-9am-end-at-11am-on-Thursdays school. Haha yeah, I do make school sound so fun!
One day I'll regret saying that - eventually I always do - but right now, right now, right now, I love school!
It's gonna be orientation next week. Hyped.
It's gonna be Chinese New Year soon. HYPED. B)
Oh and, so much for being an arts student. I seriously need to work on my literal expression.
Did I mention that it's school like, essays-every-other-week kinda school?
It's two weeks into school! Yes. School like, SH1 school. School like, life-without-sciences school. School like, no-pw lectures, no-econs-lectures school. School like, start-at-9am-end-at-11am-on-Thursdays school. Haha yeah, I do make school sound so fun!
One day I'll regret saying that - eventually I always do - but right now, right now, right now, I love school!
It's gonna be orientation next week. Hyped.
It's gonna be Chinese New Year soon. HYPED. B)
Oh and, so much for being an arts student. I seriously need to work on my literal expression.
Did I mention that it's school like, essays-every-other-week kinda school?
21 December 2010 @ 11:24 pm
I've been catching 11:12, 11:13, 11:14 these few days too much. And tonight, when I spotted 11:11 for once in two weeks, I realised that I had so many things to wish for. It's nearly becoming "11:11, Make a (few list of) wish(es)." for me. Up till now, I don't even know if it really works. I guess now and then I just need to know that somewhere, somehow, somebody is letting me take the easy way out.
