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and the baby wakes from nap

i don't know how to write any more, let's make a list…

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i had this really great idea to make this christmas a 'buy nothing' holiday. or, perhaps for as cheap/free as possible. so i set out with the intention that OH! I CAN TRADE! I HAVE A CRAFT! i e-mailed people on etsy that i wanted to trade with and…… pfft. what happened to exchanging energy in other ways than money? bah. oh well. no one was interested- hahaha what a rejection.
it's october! i love october.. it feels like home.
i want to do everything. i want to paint and build, sew and knit. i want to circle with women here, and attend a homebirth.
long walks down by the town moat, collecting conkers among the fallen leaves
my aching hip. sciatica? ooch. i don't know. halfway through a walk and i'm walking like i need a hip replacement for the past few days.
mmm it's a misty day, feels divine for reading a book in bed all day. not that i could really do that these days- but the thought sounds lovely. oh wait, i could read a board book in bed, for approximately 2 minutes.

—

we move around the bed like the hands on a clock. tick-tock, all night. our bodies shift and we spin.. i wake up sideways across the bed, diagonal, head to foot and the other way around. we slowly make our restless way around the bed until morning light when i've decided i've finally had enough- my body aches.. this mattress sucks.
the house is so dark… it feels like winter. i look around and my mind automatically sees snapshots, stills.. the stew bubbling away on the stove, the chopping board with remnants of carrots and onions, the candle flickering in a glass jar, the baby doll strewn on the wood floor, crumbs trailing to toddler toes
shamanic drum beat playing in the background on repeat. closing your eyes, it becomes a hypnotic trance… inside cocoon womb, mamas heartbeat. journeying deeper while mind drifts into other worlds, swirling images play out until you're hit again with realisation, or sippy cup- of where you are.
clinging baby and a loss of patience. holding rescue remedy on my tongue, letting it melt down my throat and sink in. like a deep breath and reset in a vial.
rubbing a witch blended concoction on my hip, a gift from the Herb Mother
offering 24% off on my etsy shop for my 24th birthday… i think i'll quietly offer it to you, here, right now… and then i'll tell everyone else when the day comes. but you're more than welcome to share- i just thought it'd be a nice little gift here, if you're paying attention. hee simply enter 'HAPPY24TH' at the check out.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 1 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

adventures in babywearing

i wrapped her baby up to her, the same way that i carried her as a wee thing…
and off she goes, toddling around the living room, patting her baby's back. kissing her face
little mama
makes me swoon

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 3 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

i stir a pot of soup on the stove, it feels good in my body to make this soup… i needed soup. craved it. and.. i can't explain it, and won't. it just was everything right, capturing the turn of season, a need for warmth and comfort, a nod to hibernating.

i begin switching the lamp on earlier and earlier with each passing day. an orange glow warms our windows.

the full moon rises, and i'm on a high… a muse strikes within me and lists and lists are made. lists for series of paintings i want to do.. lists for things i want to make.. lists for goals and dreams.
i ride the energy waves, busy scrambling to soak them all up- because i know this ebb and flow well… once it's gone. it's gone. until the next.. sometimes though, i'm left with feelings of 'what if there is no next time?' so i take it where i can get it. (that sounds a bit like a crack addict.. i suppose you could say it's the same thing)

addicted to the drugs a muse has to offer.

i soak torn muslin in a potion of red, in honour of the blood of our sisters and mothers and theirs… forever connected under the moon, waxing and waning together. a scrap of red tent for a string of prayer flags with a group of womyn i circle with daily.

these days drift by, at night i lay in bed with my girl in the crook of my arm… she reaches for a breast and finds it with ease- her hands on either side.. deep, rich, indulgent gulps - this time last year… i'm thinking… i was sitting up in bed with engorged breasts, a delicate dance of trying to learn each other… of tears and some cracks, and gentle, encouraging love from my mama…. forever long ago, and also.. just. simply.. a year ago.

i'm broody, and dreams of pregnancy tease my unconsciousness.. addicted, i do it to myself. i can't help it… i'm completely in LOVE with motherhood…

i have posts upon posts written. waiting. deleted. wondering what the point is. things i want to share but, really… who needs to read that? no one. we'll see.

dinner in the making on the stove while my two loves nap together…
wishing the same simple goodness to you and yours

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 2 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

{one}

there's these little flashbacks from a year ago..
the warmth from the last of the summer sun…
the silence and anticipation
the feelings of hope tinged with urgency to try to go into labour before a dreaded induction.

the sleepless night in advance, crawling into the dark bedroom alone- while steven stayed up a few extra hours.
heartburn
waking far too soon… still dark out.
the glow on my face from the monitors as i watched the most beautiful blessing made by a tribe of my women across the globe.

the way the fog clung to the morning air
the moon still hanging in the sky
silence…
i sat in the front seat, my hands clasped around my stomach… communicating in silence with her. within.

pulling up to the hospital, all dark.
shuffling with our arms full of stuff through the hallways, florescent lights

a band stretched up over my belly
and the room filling with that thump thump heartbeat
she kept kicking one of the monitors- annoyed with it's position on her. squirming and moving away from it.

walking. up. and down. up and down..
bouncing up and down the curbs
circling the parking lot
determined

somehow yet, it still hadn't really crossed my mind as to why i was here.. what all this work was about. it never really dawned on me that TODAY, today you will meet this baby you've been waiting for…

squatting in the grass at the bench, is my water leaking?
kind smiles.. knowing smiles..

the cramped room, stuffy, shared.
lunch carts and busy staff

hooked up again, nothing… nothing new.
let's begin again.

and then i walked out of there and suddenly my back.. oh my back hurt.
but it didn't even occur to me as anything.
after that, the flashbacks become more of a blur of time.
time sped up

laying on my side in the bed, moaning quietly while my room mate had visitors
one leg lifted in the air, because somehow that made it feel better..
a desperate bath
a bounce on the ball
trying to figure out when a contraction starts and when it stops and oh my goodness i don't know because is it really ever stopping or starting or just constant?
oh no… there's the end of that one.. no wait another one

a flash of this sweet midwives face, the tenderness in her eyes as she watched me lean over her desk, grimacing..
telling me how beautiful i am

more bouncing and rocking on the ball…
intense. i'm gonna be sick.
dry heaving
wipe of blood. woah. for some reason blood never crossed my mind.

haze. blur. out of this world
slow motion

trying to catch my breath, find my voice.. unable.
gas and air, yucky on my lips. tingly in my arms.. i don't like it
crying and trying, again, to find my voice. apologizing.. just. needing a second to find myself and unable to find that second.

steven's pale face looking at me with such worried, loving eyes
far away from him, laying in the bed.
warm gushes between my legs,
midwife rushing back and forth between paperwork and cleaning up

scared. defeated.
resigning to epidural
i'm back in the room now. back in this world. surprised that i can feel my legs- determined to give birth to my baby

feeling pressure, pushing a little bit with each sensation.. not telling the midwife
just guuuuuuuuuuuuh a little give. it feels nice
(i really don't like this woman… of course i got her. of course)
'are you pushing?'
'i don't know.'
(hahaha)
she checks me, and then starts getting out packets and packets of stuff.. opening packets of instruments and laying them out
she's a blur around the room

suddenly she tells me i'm 10cm and that i can start pushing
'are you joking?'
she must be. how am i already 10? i was just 3.
'how long will i push for?'
'i'll let you push for an hour and then we'll see'

directed pushes are hard, but i feel them.. with the epidural, i still feel them, and i like that. it hurts- but it's good..
the IV in my hand is distracting and painful, i can't move my hand the way i need to, to hold my legs.
pushing a few contractions, and then i'm told 'okay.. we need to get baby out now'

and i take that as- now. now now now now. i'm not having a c-section. this baby is coming now.
ring of fire.. woah. yes.. exactly as it's described.

and baby came…
twenty minutes after i began, she left one world for another.
her head first, i was ready to push her the full way after that- but had to wait for a contraction.. so hard to wait…
a deep breath.. relax. wait for it.

dear claire,
a year ago today, we met for the first time in the flesh… before that, i had only longed for you, dreamt of you, and felt your mysterious presence wombside.
a year… it seems like so little for the depth of how our worlds, our hearts, have been changed.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged birth | 1 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

just like that…

By edarcy | Posted in claire | 3 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

{this moment}

By edarcy | Posted in this moment | 9 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

{this moment}

feeling the weight of her body curled up in my lap
her soft belly against mine
her legs stretch up- toes pressed to my lips. a little game, and cheeky grin spread across her face- eyes lit up

her little fingers find the soft of my inner arm and begin their rhythmic pinching… like a cat kneading it's mama's belly…

savouring these moments.

By edarcy | Posted in this moment | 1 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

{this moment} taking you with me

By edarcy | Posted in this moment | 5 comments Show Comments | Add a Comment

day in the life

i've been wanting to do a 'day in the life' series again. i did it once before- and of course i can't find it.. the lovely tiffany reminded me, and it's been on my mind ever since.
a series where you take snapshots throughout the day as it unfolds. at first i was going to write about what we did to go along with the pictures, but… now that i think about it. i think it'd be best told with just pictures.
( i forgot to bring my camera along when we popped out to the grocery ) *next time i do this i think i will set a timer every hour and just snap a picture of whatever is happening right then

here goes..