SimonOnSports

Preparing to Fail, Tom Brady Fail GNAR MY TEETH, Tom Brady Fail Don't Touch Me Big Man, Tom Brady Fail :( Boo Hoo Sad Face, Tom Brady Fail On Bended Knee, Tom Brady Fail Sulking Tom, Tom Brady Fail OH COME ON, Tom Brady Fail KAPOW, Tom Brady Fail How's My D*** Taste, Tom Brady Fail The Scoreboard is Wrong, Tom Brady Fail Staring into the Abyss, Tom Brady Fail Good Game Tom, Tom Brady Fail Leave Me Alone Nacho, Tom Brady Fail It's Ok Big Guy, Tom Brady Fail

Dear Lebron James, Hi Lebron, with the NBA season just around the corner it must be an exciting time for you. You get to concentrate on being a basketball player and riding the coattails playing with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. You must be so excited that you.... do an interview and foolishly say that race played a factor in why people hate you now. [Internal Screaming] Ok We're better now. Lebron, we really have no care in the world for whether you are black, white, asian, latino or some version of this . The reason why we lowered your approval rating so much this offseason is because you are a self promoting asshole who had zero difficulty throwing a knife into the hearts of his former fanbase nor had any problem creating a "Super" team for which all of us will have zero issues rooting against. We Americans like to vilify and you did a fantastic job of making that easy for us to do with "The Decision". You were the local super hero. You were t...

As you've probably figured out by now I am a Yankee fan but since Citi Field was brand spanking new in 2009 I went with my a buddy who is a Met fan to a game in April and then proceeded to decide to purchase 4 tickets to a single game in September. Unfortunately because the Mets sucked so bad last year I was forced to eat two of the tickets (Seriously I don't think a homeless man would have accepted them). Alright moving on. This year I figured I'd head back to Citi field one time so I purchased another 4 tickets. Unfortunately, this isn't enough for the New York Mets. The Mets thanks in part to their team starting off the season in the tank are noticing that Citi Field is quite empty so they are on the ticket sales attack and an annoying attack at that. Apparently when I purchased tickets last year I left my cell phone number on Ticketmaster and because I was interested enough in 2009 to go to a Mets game I absolutely must be interested in going to many games in ...

Last week I mentioned the fact that I stupidly forgot that defense is a part of baseball during my fantasy draft and decided to draft Mike Napoli's power potential. The problem of course was that his manager does consider defense important to the game and was giving Jeff Mathis the King's share of at bats. Well God, Kevin Jepsen, and Jeff Mathis' calcium deficient diet gave me a quick solution to this playing time conundrum. Mathis decided to block a wild Jepsen pitch with his wrist, fractured it and now will miss the next 6 to 8 weeks. And this is where Fantasy Sports / just being a sports fan makes you a bad person.I am happy that someone broke their wrist. I am very pleased that Jeff Mathis will be unable to play baseball and earn* a living for the next two months. I'm not particularly pleased with the fact that he will have to rehab and that he might be in some pain, but I am pleased that Mike Napoli will be getting the bulk of the playing time while he...

Oh Coach K how well you have acquainted yourself with Jackass. There was Danny Ferry and Bobby Hurley and Christian Laettner. You can't forget Wojo or Jason Williams or Greg Paulus. Duke is essentially synonymous with Jackass. Been a busy few days at the ole actual job so unfortunately I haven't gotten to much posting.

A few weeks back Roy Williams bitched and moaned about how his arena wasn't completely filled against a crap opponent the weekend of thanksgiving. It's nice to see that he's changed some and is giving the fans the respect they deserve or... With six minutes to go in North Carolina's blowout win over Presbyterian yesterday at The Dean Dome, Roy Williams instructed security personnel to eject a fan who had heckled the Heels' Deon Thompson during a free throw attempt. The man, wearing a Presbyterian shirt and sitting a few rows behind the Carolina bench, yelled "hey Deon, don't miss it!" during the second free throw, which caused Williams to turn around, exchange some words and, eventually, point him out to security. [ The Dagger ] [ Video of the Ejection ]

Dear Jason Witten, You don't know me and chances are pretty good that we will never meet, but I just want to say that you annoy the hell out of me and likely many others like me. See I drafted you in fantasy football this year thinking that you would be a beast. T.O. was gone and even more balls were going to come your way. So I thought. But that hasn't been the case. You've been an epic disappointment. Whatever the reason is, you haven't gotten it done. So on Wednesday when I was watching NFL live and they said that you were questionable, a game time decision and probably not going to go, I thought "Ok well whatever not like you've been good all year. I'll just bench you in case you don't play and pick up whatever TE off the waiver wire." What happens? You actually play and you have the one good game you've had all year. Thanks jackass. Sincerely, Everyone that Drafted You

Let's take a quick look at what the people are googlin when it comes to the New York Jets... The only thing people care about with Rex Ryan is the fact that he might be a bit overweight. I thought at the very least there would be "Rex Ryan is a loudmouthed ass" or "Rex Ryan talks and loses more than Eric Mangini", but both did not pop up. Absent from that is "Mark Sanchez is a future hall of famer", I wonder why? Also missing is "Mark Sanchez is an Arm Punter".

Season 2 Episode 2 of Arm Punt Formations starring the Gunslinger with Guest Star the Sanchize. Check out more Episodes of Arm Punt Formations

Here's a quick two picture representation of the difference between what the Jets saw on Sunday and the actual Patriot formations. The Formation the Jets Saw The Actual Formation Someone is missing...

So I'm getting ready to build up The Big 5 post for this week and the first thing I see when looking at this weekends schedule is a glaring travesty. What the hell are Florida and Alabama doing in late November playing Florida International and Chattanooga respectively? It appears as if both teams are taking a similar approach to their impeding in state rivalry games on Thanksgiving weekend, play a team so shitty that you can beat them by 30 even if you don't watch a second of their film. Thus instead of awesome SEC or battles this weekend we have the two best teams in the nation eating cupcakes. Lame.

Here's a simple chart of my two football teams of choice and how their records have looked throughout the 2009 fall. It's like the decided to take a sled down the big slope starting in October. Any room left on all those Cincinnati bandwagons?

Over the past few weeks on Larry Johnson has made it very evident on his blog that he is looking forward to setting the All-Time Chiefs Rushing Record. Well thanks to the fact that he is an asshole , the rumor mill is swirling that the Chiefs are going to release Johnson over the next few days after they told him to get the hell out of the facilities yesterday . Good job jackass, I bet Priest Holmes won't mind holding onto the record a bit longer.

If there is a single fan base that will suffer the most at the start of tonights game, it most certainly will be the Cleveland Indian fan. CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee are the two defending AL Cy Young award winners. They both are slated to pitch games 1,4, and 7 of the World Series. They both won their awards in an Indian uniform but never lead them to the World Series. In 2007 the Indians led by CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona won the AL Central and with the help of some handy midges defeated the Yankees in the ALDS. Unfortunately for them that would be as far as they would go. Unlike in 2009 CC Sabathia did not pitch 16 innings while just giving up 2 runs, he instead took two losses. Meanwhile, Cliff Lee didn't discover his brilliance until 2008 and didn't even pitch in the playoffs. At the start of the 2008 season the Indians were the AL Central favorite and had a rotation which consisted of both CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee. Unfortunately for them, Fausto Carmona shat the b...

Congratulations Larry Johnson, you are rich. You were born incredibly athletic and were blessed to never suffer a career ending injury in the high school or college and lucky enough to be given good health else wise. Because of your athletic gifts in perhaps a better than average work ethic (might be debatable) you are a very very rich man. But you sir are an asshole, who if God was truly righteous and fair, would be broke within a calendar year. First Larry Johnson decided that Twitter was the best place to air his grievances against the Chiefs Head Coach Todd Haley: "my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!" "My father played for the coach from "rememeber the titans". Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn" Yep, his father should be his coach. Hoorah. Why? Because Todd Haley was too unathletic to play football, unlike his father who played at Elizabeth City Sta...

I'm not usually turning this page into a gossip column parading about peoples personal lives and their affairs and divorces, but it is Steve Phillips. So... which Steve Phillips decision was worse his affair with Brooke Hundley or Signing Mo Vaughn? Signing Mo Vaughn - Mo Vaughn was fat old and coming off a season in which he didn't play single game due to injuries as a result of being fat and old. So Steve Phillips naturally decided to trade Kevin Appier for him and inherit a contract more bloated than Mo himself. The end results 1. The Mets sucked. 2. The Mets lost a lot, a lot, a lot of money. 3. Steve Phillips was fired and never to be hired again as an MLB GM. Affair with Hundley - The affair with Hundley is a bad decision for a multitude of reasons. First off he's old, she's not. Second off, she's not exactly Brooklyn Decker . Finally, she was quite obviously psychotic . The end results 1) Mr. Phillips is a married man and this affair has obviously obliter...

Dear Fox & TBS, This just in, Baseball Playoff games actually can be played at the same time. I can't quite remember just when this policy began but it sure is annoying. I guarantee 90+ percent of Yankee and Angel fans are annoyed at the start time of this game. Instead of being able to go home, relax, and watch a baseball game at its normal hour (7:05) the game will be nearing its conclusion. All because Major League Baseball and its networks refuse to show games with any planned overlap. Say you're a typical worker in the Northeast working a 9-5 job and have a typical NYC commute time ( 30 minutes ), you've now just missed the first 4 innings of the game. Now if you throw in things like, pick up kids, make dinner, etc. you might just miss innings 1-7. And obviously it's only that much worse if you're an Angel fan. The game starts at 1:13, if you want to watch the game than you're going to have to take the day off. So the people that can't take...

Dear Mark Sanchez, Hi Mark, I know that you are a rookie quarterback. I know that before the season started I predicted that the team would be 3-3. I should be calm. I should have expected you to struggle. I should have expected you to make mistakes. I should have expected you to lose a football game here or there. But... umm.... How about you throw the god damn ball to people wearing GREEN Jerseys next week? You know people that are on your own team. That's usually how football works. Throw the ball to your own team instead of the other team and you have a chance to win. QB ratings of 8.3 ruin your team's chance to win even when you rush for 318 YARDS . Thanks, Simon P.S. Next time you play like shit in front of Tony Soprano, you might want to check the bottom of your car to make sure there are no explosive devices there. P.P.S. Lose to the Raiders next week and my next post is either "Put in Clemens" or "Just End The Season". Yes, I'm that piss...

I hate full service gas stations, I hate them with passion equal to the hatred of the Papel-boner . Everytime you pull into a gas station in New Jersey you think to yourself, damn this is sweet. It's 2.30$ a gallon in Jersey and 2.75$ a gallon in Southern CT. But then you pull up the pump and wait. And then you wait some more. And then the gas clerk asks you to drive your car up to the next pump as he finishes pumping someone else's gas. Then he finally meanders his way to your car and asks you in some language that certainly isn't english how much you want and what kind you want. When you say "fill it with regular", he says "Regulah?" because not only does he not speak english but he can't understand you either. Than he puts the gas pump into your tank, locks it up, and walks away. [Gas Fills... and Done] And now you sit in your car saying to yourself my gas is done pumping, can you just pull the damn pump out of the tank, make me sign a rece...

The Jets are 3-2 and in a tie for first place for the AFC East. If you had told me this at the beginning of the season I would have signed up for it yet today I sit an angry angry pessimistic Jet fan. Last night wasn't supposed to happen. The Jets defense were supposed to be amongst the leagues elite. After a week when they stifled the New Orleans Saints, they were supposed to shut down a Dolphins team that struggled to score points several times this year. Instead, the Jets defense was manhandled for 60 minutes. 60 full minutes. Let us count the ways. 1) The Dolphins ran 64 total plays only 4 went for negative yards, three of those for just -1. (Brown -1 reception, Brown -1 on a goal line stuff, Williams -5 on Jenkins beast mode, Cobbs -1 on an end around stuffed by Thomas). 2) The Dolphins punted just 4 times. Once thanks to crippling holding call. Once thanks to the aforementioned Jenkins beast mode and once thanks to the aforementioned Thomas play. Essentially these w...