I really am grateful. I don't want this post to sound like I am not thankful for the $7,500 fellowship I was awarded by my Grad School. I really truly am. But right now, it kind of has me pissed.

How can you be pissed about $7,500 you ask? Well, let's get ready for story time.

On April 23 while in the Airport awaiting a connecting flight to Portland, Oregon to attend the Public Library Association annual conference, I get an email telling me that I was awarded this fellowship. A paper copy of the letter was in the mail, I just needed to sign my acceptance and send it back. I emailed back immediately accepting the award and explaining tat I was out of town for a week and when I returned I would submit a signed copy as requested. When I returned I signed the form and dropped it off at school. The form was processed and I was awarded the fellowship. All hunky dory.

Fast forward to Friday. I get an email that says a certificate for an award I was given at the annual Awards and Honors Luncheon sponsored by my college (not the University) was available for pick up or to be mailed. Confused, I asked what the award was. Turns out it was this fellowship. I said it would have been nice to have been notified about this luncheon. No response from the person who was emailing me.

The award comes in the mail and included with it is a copy of the program listing all the awards, honorees, etc. Turns out this luncheon was a big dead. EVERY scholarship and award for undergrads, grads, PhD, Faculty and even the college alumni award were presented. So I email the Associate Dean of my College and let her know I was disappointed to not be invited. She apologizes of the "oversight" and will look into it.

I get an email back from the person who originally notified me of the award. Because I accepted the award "so close" to the Luncheon my invitation was sent via email and "must have been delivered to your spam folder." So sorry.

I see a few things wrong with this:
1. I accepted the award 3 weeks before the luncheon.
2. Not being invited to this lunch is not an "oversight". It's a mistake. It's an error. It's a "holy shit we f-ed up".
3. Don't cop out and say my invitation was sent to my Spam folder. You make a huge deal about how we MUST use our University email and then hide behind the fact that a university to university email was MAYBE spam. Oh and you don't even bother to verify that indeed at "such and such time on such and such date" you emailed me the invitation.

So don't get me wrong I am grateful for the fellowship. But I am extremely disappointed that I didn't get a chance to be with my peers to accept it in person. I am even more disappointed that the so-called apologies are lackluster.

I can't wait to graduate in 4 weeks so I can stop dealing with this incompetence.

So that is how one can be pissed about being awarded $7,500.

So its been a while. I can't look back and see how long, but needless to say too long.

Let's see....

Grad school is almost 3/5 over (yeah!). Only 2 more weeks and then I'l be in the penultimate quarter. Still looking for a job. Applied for one, got an interview, was offered the job, turned it down. And am now looking again. It wasn't the right job. Wasn't the right place. So here we are.

I started writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. I'm 35,000 words into it and have to write 50,000 to "win". I might be done before that though so we shall see what happens.

I've started to Tweet on Twitter. As me and I'll let you know what my username is. It shouldn't be all that hard to figure out...

Other than that, life is good.

oh hi there internets. it's me again. sorry to have neglected you, but I've been busy using other social networking sites more lately. It's not that I don't have much to say, its just that I have been busy with grad school and such. Please don't hate me. Hopefully soon I'll have a reason to post more on here. Keep your fingers crossed.

Love,

Me.

I am not an idiot when it comes to using Libraries. I am pretty experienced and adept at it. So I was rather surprised when the requests to Interlibrary Loan three separate articles were each rejected. The reason is that my University Library evidently owns the print version. I am usually pretty careful to check these things in the catalog so I retraced my steps and sure enough they do. It mentions this in the notes for the item and unless you read all the way down at the bottom you would miss this.

So I trekked to the Library before my class today to photocopy said articles. Two of the volumes I wanted were not on the shelf so I will have to go back. But I did locate one and went to photocopy it. I really wanted to use this cool scanner they have that will make a pdf and email it to you. But some undergrad was using that machine not to scan but to photocopy (because of course they can’t have the two machines separated).

I went to another machine only to find that the card reader was broken. So I went to a third machine only to have it read my card, make a copy of half the page (yes I had the orientation correct) and then refuse to let me copy any more. Frustrated I figured I’ll come back when I can scan all three (maybe after final exams).

I then looked for a place to the journal to be reshelved but there was no designated spot. So I was relegated to leave the journal on the table next to the copy machines. Needless to say I was less than impressed with the broken machines and the fact that the items I wanted were not on the shelf. When I go back and they are not there I will be certain to ensure that my articles get interlibrary loaned because I am not going to go back and forth trying to hunt down the articles I need.

The other day in my basement I found my mission box. I saw the scrawl of my handwriting in black sharpie on top "Peter's Mission" and suddenly a wave of emotion came over me. I remembered putting all the things in there and sealing it up 3 years ago when I moved to Oregon. I remembered giving it to my parents to take back and store for me after my graduation in Michigan before I began the trek west.

I pulled back the thin, clear tape and opened the flaps. Then I saw what I had put there: my shoes, soles almost warn out from walking; 2 years worth of letters from family and friends; the missionary discussions; a plaque from my mission. I gingerly picked up a stack of letters and leafed through them, scanning the envelopes addressed to "Elder Peter Daniel Coyl" a flood of memories came back to me. I remembered being chased by a dog, being damned to hell, having doors slammed on my face, laughing with missionary buddies, the joys of sharing what I knew to be true, the tender feelings of the spirit. Looking at the envelopes and seeing the familiar addresses of the places I lived in Florida and Alabama I remembered people and places. I remembered the joys and the sorrows. I remembered the best two years of my life.

Since that day I have thought a lot about my mission and what it was like for me. I've thought about who I was and who I am. I've thought a lot about everything. I was happy on my mission. I had friends on my mission. We shared good times. We shared bad times. We shared things that I will never forget.

In this remembering and thinking I have wondered: if they really knew who I was would they still be my friends? Would all my other friends I have hidden from still be my friends? Would my family? If I took off my mask, if I bared my soul for them to see, would they understand? Would their true colors as friends be revealed? Like the layers of an onion being peeled back, would the acidity sting and burn? Would they recoil in fear or would they step forward to embrace?

I don't know, but here's to taking a chance. Here's to removing my mask. Here is to baring my soul.

My name is Peter.
I am a son, a brother, an Uncle, a Cousin, a nephew, a grandson, a friend.
I am a child of God.
I'm also gay.

The who's, what's, where's, when's, why's and how's don't matter. They are superfluous.

I am not defined by this. I am more complex than just one thing. The sum total of my existence is made up of many parts. But this part needs voice. This part cannot be silenced.

This part wants recognition. This part says "I don't want to be alone. I am sick of being alone. I am sick of hiding, wondering who will find out."

I am still me. I am still Peter. I'm still the guy who likes to read. I am still the kid who tried to start a Young Republicans club in High School. I'm still the guy who likes to travel. I still like mint chocolate chip ice cream. I'm still the guy you can call at 3 a.m. I' still the guy who will do anything for you, no questions asked. But now you see all of me.

I like boys. I cried watching "Brokeback Mountain". I've met guys off the internet. I like gap squarecut boxer briefs. I've gone to therapy. I like to go dancing at gay bars. I have crushes on some Hollywood stars. I like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

I've shared this part of myself to a few friends over the years. They have, for the most part, been encouraging and supportive. My parents have been great about it too. I am sure some of you have suspected or wondered. Some of you might be shocked or wierded out. That's ok. I don't expect everyone to react the same way. However you react is your choice. You might not look at me the same way. You will have questions. You will have concerns. But I am still me. I have not changed, I have just opened up more.

I still believe what I taught to people, standing on their front porches in the hot southern sun. I still feel that deep in my heart, deep in my soul. It will never go away. It is seared onto my heart, it flows through my veins. The things I taught help me to understand that God created me, knowing full well what he was making, fully aware what challenges and difficulties it would cause me. He knew the hours I would spend wondering, agonizing, crying over this. He knew the heartbreak it would cause, the turmoil it would bring. He knew I would have to find a way, I would have to navigate the muddy waters and the stormy seas of life.

This is part of my journey. This is part of who I am. I don't know what my destination is. I don't know where this trek will take me. It's already taken me some places I didn't want to go, it probably will take me to more. But like any explorer, I have learned and I will continue to learn. I will see some beautiful vistas. I'll see some terrible storms. But that is all part of the journey. In the end I just hope I'll be happy and not alone.

I've taken off my mask. No longer hiding behind a carved image of what people want to see or a painted expression of what I think people expect to see. I know you'll want to take a look closely. You'll peer in and stare at what you have never seen before. You'll give me quizzical looks. That's ok. Just remember as you stare, my mask is on the table.
I've born my soul to you.

I’m Peter.
I’m your friend.
I’m gay.

I’ve shown you what’s behind my mask.

What’s behind yours?

Just been busy adjusting to life back in America, living with my parents, working with my dad and brother, hanging out with my nieces.

Have a few things in the words regarding future employment/school. I'll let you know when that aspect is all finalized.

From The Detroit Free Press:

"So the other day I opened a fortune cookie, and on the back side of the fortune were a couple of Chinese words with their English meanings. What is the point of that? Am I supposed to keep eating there until I'm fluent?" [source].

I found it funny, but not a bad idea!

"I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour;"

1 Timothy 2:1-3

[x-posted to peterintaiwan]

I just had a realization today that I need to go home. I was sitting at school doing my Homework and had a realization that I need to come home. It was clear. It was direct. It is what I need to do. And it made me so happy.

I packed my books and hopped on the bus and then literally ran home to call my parents.

I do not expect people to fully understand. Some will be confused (I know my roommates are) but I know this is what I need to do.

I might be back. I don't know. But for whatever the reason I need to go. And so I will be packing my things, settling all my affairs and going back home. I am happy that I have been in Taiwan. I have met many great people. I have made many great friends who I care about deeply. I have seen some awesome things. But deep down I think I have been unhappy for a while. I truly think I have been forcing myself to stay here. Things are going well for me, so it is an odd time to leave, but I learned a long time ago to listen to the voice that tells you to do things. And so I am taking a leap of faith and doing that.

I am not a person who does things randomly. I am a person who makes deliberate and well thought out decisions. So the thought of buying a plane ticket to go home less than 30 minutes after having the thought, is not typical me. I feel like this is what I need to do and so I am doing it. I have faith it will work out. I have faith it is what I need to do.

Today was Stake Conference for the Taipei Central Stake. The English speakers got to wear headsets and have it translated so we could participate in the meetings. There are about 6 men who served Chinese speaking missions and so they translated. During one of the talks there was laughter and one of the translators said, "Sorry guys I have no clue what was funny, so just smile and laugh."

That in itself made us laugh.