sleepless night

I am an insomniac, it's not a new issue, i am born with it. Unlike everyone else, it takes me ample of effort to fall asleep and hell lots of hard work to just remain asleep. They say a successful man doesn't get much sleep, I would really like to believe in that.

I used to love watching people sleep. Well not just everyone but a special one. There is an unspoken magic about a sleeping guy. They make a lot of funny expressions that you will never be able to steal a glance when they are awake. They make a certain noise when they flip around and surprisingly you will find somehow find it cute no matter how unattractive it might be if it's done during the day. And the sweetest of all, they will lay their heads on your shoulder or even cuddle you in the middle of a night. It's unplanned, and you know he is doing it from his subconscious mind. It kinda gives you the affirmation that he really is into you. You can really tell a lot by just watching someone sleep.

I am not the easiest guy on earth to share a bed with. I toss around a lot. my ex used to tell me it's like being in a war to sleep with me on a same bed. Maybe he is not the one. I don't feel safe sleeping in his arms. Of all my past relationships, there is only one guy that i could literally sleep next to him and wake up to him after a full 8 hours of sleep. For some reasons, when he cuddled me to sleep i felt so safe and comfy i drifted off to sleep within minutes and didn't even wake up in the middle of the night. it's in explicable, maybe it's just the chemistry, or maybe his body just sent out a certain signal that my sleeping system could understand.

Insomnia gives me time to think. 4 failed relationships in a year is really something. Am i really not suitable to be in a relationsip? Am i really not able to commit? or maybe I am only attracted to jerks. I would like to put the blame on the exes, but 4 relationships really got me thinking i might just be the sole problem behind this.

My housemate threw me a question today 'when are you going to really settle down?' yes, maybe it's about time. I am tired of getting in and outta relationships and the endless dating scene already.

Crush or Crash

Every relationship starts from a small crush, sometimes a big one that spells danger all over it. We human beings are too irrational and emotional to ignore even the smallest crush let alone the big ones. Hence the consequential question: crush or crash??

I was having dinner with my friend Cindy when she told me about her recent crush. She met him at a mutual friend's party and they hit it off not long after the party started. He is good looking, smart and a doctor. The conversation flowed and the despite much reluctance, the party ended. They exchanged mobile numbers before parted.

Cindy told me all the details with so much passion I for a second had the idea that they were already together. So I interuppted.

"so what are you waiting for?" I said, popping the inevitable question.

"he is attached. but he said it's over and they are going to break up." She said, looking all upset, and not convinced.

"you believed him? and do you think he has a crush on you too?" I asked, just trying to help her sort out.

"I dont know. Hope it's not another bad crush, my broken heart can't take it anymore. but we sparked, that's definitely a sign." She said, or maybe it's just her wishful thinking that's doing the talking.

It got me thinking of my own crushes. I always had my crush at the worst timing. As if a bad crush is not bad enough. I had a crush on Paul when I was with my ex. He was attached too back then. The crush made me realise my relationship with my ex was not going anywhere. So I broke up with my ex, and the crush on Paul remained a crush.



Two days ago, after two years, I had dinner with Paul. The a-crush-that-doesnt-turn-into-anything-further-will-fade-away-over-time belief is just a myth. My heart still pulsated when I looked him in the eyes. My heart skipped a beat when he laid his arms on my shoulder. If anything, I think the crush has transformed into infatuation over time. Even though we spoke on the phone a few times over the years.

Now, am I going to do anything about this crush? or am i just going to leave it as it is. They say when you are not certain of the future, just give it a go, the universe will surprise you in many ways.

I am stuck in the same dilemma again, after 2 freaking years, with the same guy, in the same city, and the same old me. Is it because of my preconceived impression of him being a playboy that I am too afraid to tell him how I feel? that this crush will definitely crash in a forseeable future.



Do I go with the crush and give it a chance to crash on me or do I crash the crush?

The colour...of the willy

Colours have always been an issue in our everyday's life. We place so much emphasis on the paint colour of our houses, the colour of our outfits, the skin colour of our lovers and even the colour of our bath towels. With sex becomes so easily accessible these days, we take the colour issue to a whole new level -- the colour of our dates/partners' wilies.

Over lunch, my lunch buddies cla, vix and I were talking about our respective colour preference for dicks. We are all aware of the fact that size has always been the hot topic of disccusion, I just didn't expect the colour itself will be brought into the picture, much less a determining factor for sexual appeal.

"I don't think I will date a caucasian" Cla said, with vix nodding in agreement.

"why not?" I wondered.

"No sexual appeal. their dicks are too pale." Cla said, straight to the point.

"not necessarily! Some of them are pink! cute dont you reckon?" I voiced out my opinion, expecting one of them to take my side.

"No. I prefer something darker. but not too dark tho, asians' or latinos' would be ideal." Vix said and Cla just nodded without having to say anything.




Apparently I am the only pink-lover in the village. And pigmentation isn't always a bad thing. One person's deal-breaker can be another person's treasure. How nicely said!

It left me thinking, does the colour of the willy really matter? It doesn't give the physical excitement as the size of the willy does yet people still see it as an important aspect in one's sexual appeal. Plus there is nothing a coloured condom can't fix. Go to an adult shop and choose from the varieties of condoms which suits your colour spectrum, be it pink, brown, dark brown, baige, you name it, and you are all set to go!



To say that sex is a mere physical thing is not entirely true. Afterall it still involves the pyschological and emotional part of someone's mind. That being said, I couldn't help but wonder, how much do you really care about the colour? Will you not have sex with someone just because the colour of his willy doesn't meet your requirement?

The know-it-all almighty Mum

So I decided to inform my mum about my trip to the UK over the phone after I booked my flight ticket. (Just a little bit of background info here. My parents give me so much freedom that sometimes I actually yearn to be controlled).

For the first time she didn't yell at me for booking myself into yet another holiday. Which is weird as she would always nag at me for not being very attached to the family and am always "on the run" as she claimed. That being said, I have been away from home since I was 13 years old, there has to be some sort of detachment from everything. At least I am still in many ways closely bonded with my parents and my siblings, with my mum being the closest among all.




"Ma, I am going to England at the end of June" I said over the phone, sounded slightly calm as I didn't wanna cause a scene.

"Don't you have uni?" She asked whcih was expected as she never really pays much attention to my academic calender.

"It's holiday mum! 3 weeks off and I will be there for the whole 3 weeks!" I then explained.

"what are you going there for? Why don't you come home instead?" She didn't sound unhappy at all, just asking for the sake of asking "the list of questions" that people routinely ask.

"I need a break. and my friends are graduating so it's a good time to visit before they leave the country." I then started defending myself.

"who are you gonna stay with?" She then asked.

"Just a friend, or friends. It depends." I gave a very vague response, trying not to go too much in details.

"Alright. You've already booked the tic anyway! Just be careful when you are there." She knows me too well.

Before I hung up, she added something more that really made me jaw-drop.

"whatever it is, be safe and play it cool alright?"

"what do you mean?" I then asked, totally dumbfounded.

"Make the most out of your trip but don't forget to put your guard up. Play it cool and don't get hurt!" She said, unexpectedly capable of reading me.



It really got me thinking. Is there anything else that she doesn't know? I didn't even spill a word but she seems to know everything as if she has installed something in my brain to spy on me.

She might not have fully accepted me for being who I am but she definitely loves me more than I can imagine. She is always there for me, whenever and wherever, so that I wouldn't stray too far from the right track.

I am lucky. I am blessed. And I am absolutely appreciative of that.

Ireland

I have been constantly on the road for the past two weeks. Or even better, up in the air! It's exhausting but it gives you the kind of satisfaction one should get when one is on holiday. and yes I have gotten it.

They say you should always make the most out of your trip! but how exactly and in what way "the most" should be achieved? By taking thousands of photos on your trip? or by visiting every single tourist attractions that are listed on guide book? or by getting at least one kiss from the local people in each city?

5 cities in 5 days is definitely an achievement by every traveler's standard. From Dublin to Galway, then Limerick, Dingle and finally Cork. If you think that's exhausting, try going to sleep at 11pm or 12pm and waking up at 8am in additon of the 12 hours walk aorund the city when Beau was at work. I didn't know how I managed but I did. At least I wasn't driving, but Beau was.

No wonder he drifted off to sleep immediately at night when we were in bed. Poor thing. Rihanna's "rude boy" was constantly torturing me with its literal meaning the whole time we were in Ireland. Being young with those raging hormones had finally taken its toll on me.

Dublin is a small city compared to london. Small in terms of size and the population. Let's not forget the lack of high-rise buildings and starbucks!!! I had a hard time looking for a cafe with free wi-fi. If you ask me, I wouldn't consider living in Dublin for sure. Not permanently at least. It's not as urbanized as most of the developed or developing cities and not as remotely beautiful as the other countryside. Therefore that doesn't really leave us much to do in Dublin, let alone living there for the rest of your life. But if you are into pub and Irish accent, then you will probably like it.







From Dublin, we drove to Galway which took about 3-4 hours. That's only because Beau was speeding at 100 miles per hour so it should not be used as guideline. Galway is a culturally beautiful city. Only if I am more appreciative of the cultural history or architecture would I have enjoyed more. I literally toured around the whole city within 2 hours on foot. Compared to Dublin, it's more peaceful. By peaceful, you should expect less entertainments available to you.





Dingle is worthy of a mention. Strategically located on the west, it's surrounded by mountains and water. Besides the maginificent view and herds of sheeps running around, I didn't notice much of other attractions. Unless B&B interests you and the idea of having sex 24/7 , I don't see the point of spending more than a few hours there.





"Can I bring a sheep with us babe?" I asked.

"Are you becoming an irish or Kiwi? Shagging a sheep!!!" Beau said.

I couldn't help but wonder if that's true. People are so obsessed with sex that when they are not satisfied, they will just shag anything in sight. Even if it means the "ohhh ahhh ehhhh" is replaced by the monotonous "mehhhhh~~~~".



Why sheeps?? isn't horse a better option? lol.

A good trip is a combination of how much the place you are visiting can offer and who you are travelling with. One can always make up for the other depending on how you justify it. A lousy place with a good company can still be considered as a good trip. but a beatiful place with a bad company is definitely not reversible.

No?

p/s: what a shame I didn't bump into Ronan Keating or other cute Irishmen on the street. It'd definitely make me coming back for more. Oh well luck doesnt always favour me.

London

I am in London. and they say London is a sad city, a combination of the gloomy weather and the lack of interaction between people. Just like most of the bustling cities.



The british accent still nevertheless gives me enough reason to fall in love with this city. Imagine a smart looking guy in suit speaking eloquently with a british accent, radiating a sense of elegance enough to dazzle you. Not to mention head over heels.

Upon arrival, the beau was standing at the arrival hall wearing a big smile, big enough to drain away the fatigue from the 30 hours long hauling flight. Definitely a good way to start my holiday. The weather was very welcoming, an unusual 30C sunny day, at least for london's standard.



I love arrival hall. It always signifies a new start, a new chapter of life. It's made even better when you know you are going to see a familiar face at the other end of the gate. It just gives you loads of hopes and rooms for imagination knowing that anything could happen after you walk away from the arrival hall into a new segment of life.

Just when I was pondering over my decision, my grandma's wise words thundered through my brain. "Do not be afraid to try because no matter what, you know at least you have tried".

What you are going to regret more is not what you have done, but what you have not done. I just couldn't help but wonder, how much counrage does one need in order to be adventurous and how tough one has to be to face the consequences. We all know it's just a matter of trial and error but before we can come to that conclusion, the five stages of loss can be quite gruelsome to go through.

F.I.L.F

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