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The journey so far...

Unparalleled Love
daoteng
Ever since I read up on personal finance, I had always thought that the HDB that my family stayed in for the past 18 years is obviously too expensive for my parents' income level. They had over leveraged, using proceeds from the old flat for the down payment as well as the money in my mum's CPF. As my dad was always self employed, he did not have much CPF to sustain the installments, so he has to forked out close to $1k every month to pay for the flat. When my mum's CPF ran out the installment is probably somewhere near $1.5k to $2k. My mum had been a factory worker all her life, earning $1k per month with minimal increments over the past 20 years that was never close to outpacing inflation. My dad, self-employed technician, was probably earning in the ballpark of $3k monthly with all the freelancing and occasional projects.

With a combined income of $4k, they had bought a flat that was valued at $250k in 1999 and with two kids that were still young and also a commercial vehicle which my dad's livelihood had depend on it. It is unthinkable for myself, in my current safe and comfortable financial position, but yet they did it. They subject themselves to such stress even though they can barely afford it. They are living the Singapore Dream; the Dream that every household is a millionaire by the value of your home.

What about the retirement planning, you might ask. Indeed, there is none. They made zero cash savings towards retirement monthly and both CPF are emptied to buy the house. When my sis took over to pay the installments of the flat in 2012 as my dad was incapacitated following his operation on his cheek cancer, the principal amount was still a princely $180k. After 13 years, the flat was not even close to half paid. My parents had, perhaps naively, thought they were able to work another 17 years than they really could. I still recall July 2012 being the most turmoil time of my life, having spent several nights on the sofa of SGH with my sis and the mad rush to ICU that only seemed to happen in dramas and movies. Fortunately, my dad survived the ordeal and with lots of support from his friends and relatives, he recovered and has been healthy since. He is now a retiree as his speech is impaired and his movements are not as agile as before due to the complications he suffered after the operation. I am eternally grateful to the help rendered by everyone around us, financially, logistically and emotionally, they were rays of hope in the face of grim and gloom.

Prior to 2012, our household financial status were far from stable. My parents had struggled to made ends meet. They managed to scrape through the years, at the expense of their retirement planning. All these while, I was sheltered and unknown to the plight as I was still in education. Indeed, being sheltered is probably an understatement. I basically had everything I wanted and needed. As I was taking the books off my bookshelf today, it suddenly dawned on me. Despite the financial troubles, my parents still allowed me to indulge in my comics, which were not cheap at at least $5 a book. On top of all that, they still bought a full set of encyclopedia. That set of books probably costed my parents 2~3k (?) and they were mostly financed through installments which probably made it even more expensive. That is where my parents money went. They were spent on me. All the money, spent on me, in hopes of my betterment. Not to mention, I have around 1.2k comics, which were all funded by the pocket money that my parents had given me.

I feel like I have not reach what my parents had hoped I will achieve. I think they were expecting me to be a doctor or lawyer when I grow up. Sadly, I overindulged in many things in my life that I was never the scholar they think I would be.

Reflecting on this made me feel ashamed. Ever since I start working, I had been giving them about 10% of gross pay every month. Compared to the past, they had spent almost their life savings on me. If I compare my love to them and their love to mine, I am the lucky one.

故人的请柬
daoteng
突然收到许久不见的朋友的请帖,心里百感交集。似愁非愁,似喜非喜。当然,好朋友能找到好归宿让人开心,一方面即想到似乎已好几年没联络,而两人真正坐下来促膝谈心应该已经是十年前。往事历历在目,仿佛昨日发生,但已事过境迁,恍如隔世。 当年信誓旦旦,承诺每年六月要办一次聚会,十年来应该只聚了两三次吧。

生活、工作、事业。我们大家都为了这些生命里至关重要的琐事忙的不可开交,时间残酷的把人与人之间的关系冲淡,从以前的无所不谈,到现在残留的点头交情。

十年前我曾说过不想再当别人生命里的过客,但终究改变不了阴晴圆缺,悲欢离合。记得电影《那些年,我们一起追的女孩》最后一幕,男主角参加了女主角的婚礼。现实生活不也如此?有些朋友你只有结婚或丧礼才会邀请,而不会在孩子满月、搬新家、过年过圣诞时请。虽然交情淡了,但终究还是想在生命最重要的一刻时朋友能出席,希望把快乐分享到全世界,让天下认识你的人感受此刻的幸福。

看到你们的幸福,我真的很高兴。朋友做久了感情会升华,变成有点像远方亲戚的感觉。有时回味往事,别有一番滋味在心头。毕竟此情可待成追忆,只是当时已惘然吧。

但见新人笑,那闻旧人哭。
daoteng
是时候离开了。

曾经以为我会一直在这个乐团,就算毕业后也会以校友身份回来,直到不需要我的贡献为止。我其实很想留下,却怎知我其实早已离开。

学生的身份忽然变得好遥远。虽然不过才毕业半年,却已和故人形同陌路。曾一起背负相同梦想的伙伴现在已然同床异梦,一代新人换旧人,我也被遗忘了。团体里有新血注入是好事,有年轻的一代挑起大梁,组织才能蓬勃发展下去。就算我曾经如何是其中的灵魂人物,改朝换代后又有谁会记得当年鞠躬尽瘁的老臣们?

我在国大华乐团里找到了“家”。如今我也必须离开了,和在我之前无数的学长姐们一样,时候到了就必须离开。这或许冥冥中的安排,是自然的规律。不必惋惜,不必伤心。这次我只是真的“毕业”了。

A tale of two orchestras
daoteng
I was reading through the essays I've written this semester, and this is undoubtedly my favourite of the pack. Written for a Chinese music appreciation mod which I don't want to write it module name down to prevent people coming from Google.


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As music is not a reified thing but a social activity that people do (Small, 1998), it shapes the way the discussion of music in this paper. We will first need to establish a detailed understanding of the performing orchestras as well as the nature and specifics of the concert settings, before we proceed to discuss about the concert repertoire and its meanings. Only through this inspection of musicking, then will it be a holistic and complete discussion about music.

Concert Review – Into the New World: NUS Symphony Orchestra
The NUS Symphony Orchestra (NUSSO), a university music group in Singapore, is now home to over 80 members. One of its main missions is to provide undergraduates opportunities to pursue their interest in music, and promoting orchestral music to the public. The performers were mostly NUS students with a few guest players and alumni, and most of the audiences are friends and relatives of the students.
The concert was held at University Cultural Centre (UCC), March 10th, a pleasant Sunday night and a time convenient for the concert goers. The instruments on display were the standard western symphony orchestra instruments, namely the strings, woodwind and brass instruments. UCC is a multipurpose hall, built for numerous events including dances, plays and most notably the national day rally. As such, the acoustics do suffer and several acoustics boards were deployed at the back of the orchestra to aid them. The whole setting of the performance is also a formal one, or one could say it’s a traditional concert. I would argue that under such a setting, the interaction between performers and audiences are mainly one-way, with audience little input to the nature of the performance itself. Nonetheless, many of the nuances of the music still managed to impact and influence my emotions during the course of the concert.
Under the baton of Music director Maestro Lim Soon Lee, the orchestra promptly begins the concert. Opening with three movements from Hungarian nationalist Zoltan Kodaly’s Hary Janos Suite, the orchestra sounded in sync and magnificent. It is a piece with a mystical touch to it and overall a memorable one. The Chinese yangqin was more than a capable replacement for the Hungarian cimbalom, and technology such as condenser mics aided the instrument’s inherent flaw of having too much reverb causing the sound to be too weak in such a big hall. Lacking contextual knowledge in the piece, I could not understand fully what the music is trying to express. I was merely enjoying the music as it is, at face value and following the notes of the orchestra.
The next piece of the night was Chen Gang’s and He Zhanhao’s Butterfly Lovers Concerto, NUS Symphony Orchestra rather innovatively included the following three Chinese instruments, the sheng, the dizi and the yangqin. Due to my background in Chinese instruments, I was especially intrigued by this addition and was eager to listen to the results. This little experiment with music had mixed results, in my opinion. The sheng was a rather muted instrument compared with the other brass and failed to distinguish and make its mark. The yangqin was at almost inaudible level of sound and its unique tone was unable to shine in the midst of a harmonious western orchestra. Only the dizi came out with merit, outshining its western peers. There was a strong oriental feel in the opening solo, as well as the interactions that followed with the violin solo. In the parts where the dizi played together with the western flute, its tone shone through and its characteristics intact despite being placed in a foreign orchestra.
The violin soloist, Mr Foo Say Ming, was also brilliant as well in his rendition of this epic classic. However, as a Chinese Orchestra musician myself, I cannot help but feel that the NUS Symphony Orchestra’s version sounds a bit too “western” for my liking. It is weird, as technically the notes are the same, but the whole sound of the orchestra does not suit my liking. Mr Foo, while brilliant, did not really bring out the “Chineseness” of the piece. Overall, I was not mesmerized neither by the soloist nor the orchestra.
Leaving the best for the last, Maestro Lim presided over the Dvorak’s Ninth Symphony after the short intermission. Also known as “From the New World”, it was obvious that the concert title had been inspired from it. The symphony itself was a spectacular, and after a cautious start in the first movement, the orchestra marched fearlessly and completed the suite without error. Composer Antonin Dvorak had attempted to write a new form of American music, inspired by the Native American tunes and folk songs. The result was an enchanting piece and an ear-opener indeed. With the folk song melody running through my head even after concert, this piece was my absolute favourite of the night.

Concert Review II – Reminiscence: NUS Chinese Orchestra
The second concert that I’ve been involved in is Reminiscence by NUS Chinese Orchestra (NUSCO), and I took part in it as a performer. NUSCO started out as a small Chinese instrument ensemble which slowly grew in strength and prestige over the years. One of its missions is to provide a platform for undergraduates and alumni alike to showcase their talents as well as the promotion and education of Chinese orchestral music in Singapore.The concert took place on 29th March, 7.30PM at SCO Concert Hall. It was a Good Friday, however did not dampen the enthusiasm of the audience as it was a sellout.  As a traditional concert hall, the concert was very much the same as the NUSSO concert in terms of presentation. The musicking process is mainly one-way, with audience having limited input
One of the pieces that night which particularly stood out for me was Xishi Guzheng Concerto. The melody sounded antique, almost like the ancient music from Chinese palaces (宫廷音乐), and the instrumentation supports this interpretation. The use of yunluo(云锣) mimics the sound of ancient Chinese bianzhong (编钟). The story of yue king goujian (勾践) and downfall of wu king fuchai (夫差) was presented in the piece, with the program notes providing a detailed breakdown of the story each individual stanza represents. Composer Chen Neng-chi, exemplifying his background in western music, included a lot of weird time signatures in the piece as well, making it difficult for performers to keep up to. That is in contrast with the traditional antique melody, which makes the piece so memorable to performers and audiences alike.
The main highlight of the night’s show was undoubtedly the Butterfly Lovers concerto. Performed by young local violinist Yang Shuxiang, his was a rendition that exudes fervor and passion. It could almost be argued that there was as much drama in his expression as in the music itself, as his showmanship brought the audiences into his realm of music. Aided by the hand illustrated backdrop, NUSCO presented a Butterfly Lovers concerto that was centered around storytelling, and the musicking experience that ensued as audiences follow through the scenes trying to imagine the composers’ and performers’ messages through the consumption of every single note.

Comparing both concerts – A different yet similar musicking experience
One observation was telling, in the NUSSO’s program booklet, there were little to no description of the story between Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai. Instead the focus was strictly on the composers’ background as well as the time of composition. This was in stark contrast with NUSCO’s program notes, which devoted entirely to the description of the love story between Liang and Zhu.
For me this highlights the two radically different musicking experiences. For a western orchestra performance, it would seem like there are no stories to be explored within. However, there are political or social messages to be unearthed, and great emphasis was on the composition techniques or playing techniques of the solo instruments.
A Chinese orchestra would focus more on the storytelling aspect in their music. Not restricting to only NUSCO’s performance, but many of the other performances I had been to as well, it seemed like most if not all the program notes had always been concentrating on the story aspect of the music. Personally, I am very entrenched to this way of musicking, and would feel lost when appreciating a western classical piece where there seem to have no story within.
However, the two versions of Butterfly Lovers Concerto can be juxtaposed together as the scores are exactly identical. Other than instrumentation differences, both versions are exactly the same in notes and tempo. Hence the main difference that made it such a different musicking experience is only down to the difference in tone color of instruments, the soloists’ interpretations, as well as the orchestra’s direction when they approach the piece. These differences manifest in the two renditions we hear, making it a similar yet different musicking experience for the audiences. 

Driving
daoteng
For the past one month or so, because my dad's hospitalised, I am driving his van. And frankly, its really enjoyable to be able to drive where ever and whenever. The empowerment from having a vehicle makes me understand why some people yearn to own a car. Apart from a small accident, this month has been a safe month on road. I feel that I improved tremendously, perhaps unsurprisingly, now I am confident to drive not only my own but anyone's vehicle if given a chance.  

One thing I realised over the month is that, there really is no such thing as "on the way". Basically, be thankful when someone gives you a ride, cause 99% of the time he/she took a detour. Unless you are neighbours with the driver, he/she would have taken a long route (or a much longer route) fetching you back home. So girls, if a guy sends you back home, there must be a reason. Maybe its late, and its impolite to not send a girl home when its late. Maybe its because he enjoys the company on his way back. Maybe it really is "on the way". (that 1% of the time) 

For me personally, I enjoy sending people back home though. Even if its out of the way, I take the effort to send them back. I guess its because I just started driving, so its not a chore to me and I still find it fun especially if I am driving my friends on board. Because of a certain jewelry advertisement, I always have this image in my mind of me driving on a long endless road with a girl sitting beside. Maybe its just to fulfill this imagery of mine :S

Whatever it is, I hope I will have zero accidents from now on. One of the goals I've learnt in my time in RSAF is that "Zero Accidents is an Achieveable Goal". Lets believe in that. 

=)
daoteng
Yesterday was a memorable one. It was a victory, on so many levels. I am honoured and happy to undertake this task as President for nusco, and all the more proud to receive an unanimous mandate. I sincerely hope that I won't disappoint and will work hard to fulfill my plans. 

To be honest, when I first got it and had to introduce my exco, and to start the buffet, it was very intimidating. I guess it is normal, I remember last year Jackson almost couldn't speak when he spoke for the first time introducing his exco. I hope I can improve! Over the time get more used to public speaking. 

Late in the night I spent my time reading the secret journals of previous presidents. It was an emotional roller coaster. I feel so privileged to be even reading this book. 

Last night I was also shot by the stupid angel again, reminding me that I had not forgotten. And reviving the feelings that I swept under for so long. 

Best. 

Ok time to move on
daoteng
This birthday had symbolic meaning to me. To spare you the details, I can only say that it was a futile wait. I can only say, its really time to move on. Looking back, it is my fault. Nvm, still plenty of time left in the year or my life to right all these wrongs. In two weeks time, I will be able to right a wrong I did last year. Stand up from whence you fall? Maybe. 

Press on. You're fucking 23 now, stop whining. 
Edit: Oh,haven't make a wish yet. I truly wish that the smile on your face will never go away. :))

我知道伤心不能改变什么
daoteng


I really hate birthdays. Why do we need a day where we can do a reality check and see how popular we really are? That's the reason I don't like birthday. I remember this day 5 years ago, I really felt lonely. Even though I was in school with hundred of people, no one even bothers or cares. I also remember this day 3 years ago, I was outside watching soccer and man utd lost to fulham. My friends did not even know its my birthday. Its okay, I don't really see a need for everyone to remember. However, it will be nice if the people that are close to me, wish me a happy birthday. Even if its a friend that had not seen for a long time, its a welcomed reminder that I am not forgotten. 

Everyone has their own struggles, I think I will always struggle to understand why are we simply part and parcels or other people's lives. There are so many people come and go in our lives, we have to accept that no one will be close with anyone forever. 没有谁永远陪谁。但有些人,你真的很不希望他们只是你生命的过客。不是希望一生一世,但至少在他们的心里有我这个朋友,这个人的存在。没想到过了二十三年,我还在想自己是不是真的存在,或我的存在价值如何。

我很感谢那些记得的人。你们有心了。才刚过十二点,已经收到两位友人的祝福了。一位是旧识,一位是去年才认识的。不管认识时间长短,好像根本没有关系。

今年,我会很在意一个人。

PS. When I say I don't celebrate birthday, I really mean it. But I didn't mean that you should forget about it. :(



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daoteng
haha i am really a dog. got my bone tonight. 



(no subject)
daoteng


张雨生:以为你都知道
以為你都知道
兩顆心在相互關照
難道是我把一切想像得那麼好
以為你都知道

你對我有多麼重要
不能相信你已經從我夢裡逃跑
要我如何是好
以為你都知道
和我一樣忘不了
用感覺在擁抱
這是第一次
我聽不到自己的心跳
這是第一次
我想要留住你往日的笑
以為你都知道