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when i have a family..
Saturday, July 26, 2014 | 6:01 PM | 0 comments
next time, when i have a family,i'll make sure when there's a problem arises, i will go against the core of the problem. i will try to understand what the other person is feeling and thoughts are. i will want a loving family, a happy one, the safe haven. i don't want my family to be in the negative energy zone. i do not want to be like my mum. and i wish my kids will never say the same. i want my kids to take me as an inspiration and aspiration. i want to educate my kids to be humble, be open minded, be smart, be kind and helpful, and to not have bad temper. i used to think opposites attract. but the truth is the likeness attract each other. its just that when we live, we tend to be the opposite of each other, to keep it in balance. whatever my children will be, it will be on me and my partner. Wednesday, July 23, 2014 | 11:05 PM | 0 comments
theres so much that we cant control in this life we live in.we can control our mind and our thoughts. we couldnt control the future, if things are gonna happen as we want it. we couldnt control others. a completely different individual. all in all, we are all living selfishly. because, that is, the only thing we could control. makes sense? no? doesnt matter. dun wanna bother anymore. just wanna be a machine. humankind.
| 10:22 PM | 0 comments
to a certain point, i gotta admit my family is pretty dysfunctional.
and pretty hard to control.
but family is family.
even with fights going on 80% of the time,
the support we have for each other at critical time,
is forever more than 100%.
and that is what it all matters right?
i wish to find someone who will fight for me,
more than their 100%.
i am never a strong person by nature.
but i noe i am better when i give, and do something for others.
i am stronger for others.
friendship,
became so superficial to me these days,
that i dont even feel like socialising.
dun see the point in it.
i mean, why spend the time, and effort,
in nurturing a relationship with someone,
which means nothing at the end of time.
(haha, i might be exaggerating abit and am kinda negative at this moment)
why? be sentimental, to things and people who u cherish
and keep in memories so dearly,
when u prolly dun mean nothing to them?
just a mere passer by in life.
looking back at the graduate pictures,
and i realize, it is far way too easy to lose contact.
in this life, is everyone using each other,
to achieve some motives?
is there always a motives to everything??
so tired, of this world and people.
competency
| 10:09 PM | 0 comments
in a room filled with young doctors,ken saw something, and said, 'they all have the looks of a doctor, dont u think so?' i took a look, and it suddenly became real. these are the bunch of the people, who will be attending patients, observing charts, monitoring conditions and prescribe treatment. and,i will be one of them doctors. do 'i' have the doctor look? do 'i' have what it takes to be a good doctor? am i competent enough? this competence question, is always echoing at the back of my mind. self doubt. it's true that there no space for all that anymore, cos ive already graduated. and i am on this journey. no turning back anymore. starting from zero. is scary. damn, scary. especially in the environment, when patient's live depends on u. when people put the live of their loved ones in ur hands. i hate, being blur all the time. and i hate, not being self sufficient. hate being looked down upon. hate being a loser. all this, brings my mood down. got nowhere else to spill this. hence, this post. time to rant
| 12:26 AM | 0 comments
23/7/14 0344
mum just got admitted to hospital cos of dengue.
today, has been a busy day. it has been that way past few day.
since the M17 incident, and sis got to noe about the news.
everything just goes tumbling down..
the day after, when she visited her bf's hse, she had high fever.
the whole day, was just in a very sad mood, even cried and all..
came back, and was very sick.
everyone was worried, especially dad and mum.
i wasnt that worried, cos its just a fever.
plus, that night, she even had a talk with mum and i
about the condition in david's hse.
then, the next day, mum started getting sick.
started with myalgia and athralgia, then fever and vomiting.
sis was getting worse. and i started to look up some info about dengue.
measure vital signs and start monitoring process.
dad and i took turns to take care of both of them.
the 3rd day, sis was still having high fever and finally went to hosp for check up.
and so it was confirmed that she had dengue infection.
and i noe mum has it too.
and apparently, david has it too.
4th day, sis was getting better than yesterday, but haven fully recovered.
but its a good sign though..
but also, as expected, the blood test was not getting better yet.
mum is getting sicker too.
and dad starting to get chills and fever.
i myself wasnt feeling really well..super headache the whole day.
other than taking care of family, i had to settle documentations.
to certify some certs and also postal order.
practically was doing things all the time.
and nobody noe that i was unwell. nobody realised.
but its alright, cos i need to take care of things while i still have the ability to do so.
someone has to support the family, ey. :)
5th day, today. i was practically out almost whole day.
settled documents in sri aman, tried to help ken.
then, went for lunch, had no appetite, so din eat.
teman ken get postal order frm post office.
then, we drove to klia, to fetch ly and to get my cargo.
then to kl sentral to fetch yy.
had dinner in mid valley, and lepaked in mph bookstore,
while waiting for ken to see dr in ummc and try getting his certs certified.
to failure. haha.
came back, and asked about sis and mum and dad's condition.
12am, went to take report, and i told mum to just get admitted,
cos, she has been vomiting alot, and she cant drink water, and cant eat.
just think its better for her to take iv drip.
and at least, doctors are there, to take care of her if her conditions worsen.
cos i wont be around these few days, have to do documents.
if with insurance coverage, around 800, and if without, around 2k.
and then, i was thinking.. i am gonna sacrifice getting my htc one m8.
just gonna get a functional smart phone which is cheap la.
it took about 3 hrs to get admitted into a private hospital.
that, wasnt even the start of my rant yet, dear. :)
this is what ive observed.
when sis is sick, she appreciated the care that everyone gave her.
i totally understand how all of that can be touching.
but these appreciating cease to stay for long.
i noe she feels guilty for making david sick,
but she also felt hurt that david is pointing fingers that he got infected in our hse.
what she did not do, is put herself in his shoes.
he has just lost a sister, and is not positive with infection.
and also the fact that he hasnt even speak to her in any raise voice,
or blaming her.
i just wished on behalf on david that she would be more understanding. :)
mum, is like a kid.
even with the shoutings, even with that much of negativity surrounding her,
all she wants is an open ear, to listen.
someone who cares, someone who she can depend on.
i saw, with my own eyes, how dad tried his very best to fulfil her every demand.
but, she did not understand what dad did, was not a must.
its an voluntary action, out of love, out of tolerance, out of patience.
he was sick himself, but he still did chores that mum told him to do,
cos he noe he is the guy, and he is willing to take up the responsibility to be strong.
i can accept her, for not being appreciative.
but i cant take it, when ppl are trying so hard, with all they can to help things out.
and she keep telling dad off, keep saying disheartening words.
and blaming everyone for not helping her and she has to be the one who takes the responsibility for everyone.
that, i couldnt stand. (cos i noe used to act that way and sometimes still do)
i realise, when someone is vulnerable, when someone is unhealthy,
they seek for help, they trust the hospital and the staffs to help.
and i realise, i have a very huge responsibility upon my shoulder.
i finally really feel how it feels to be the family of patient,
worrying if the doctor and the staffs are worthy of our trust.
it, really take a leap of faith.
to trust in others, for something that we cannot do.
and also, in something that we noe we can do.
but it is this faith, that defines, trust.
in the midst of all this sickness and devastation of MH17,
i realize, ppl in general, pay so much of attention in their own feelings,
that they tend to disregard other.
ppl rarely put themselves in other ppl's shoes.
they might argue, that, even if they do,
they wont understand it.
i say, bs! its just that they are unwilling to open their heart, their mind.
the whole world, is so full of negativity, and the darkness of a human.
and that is why, a smile, a kind word, a simple random action,
works like magic. it brightens up someone's mood.
just gotta keep the positivity. :)
i myself am having sore throat now.
u noe.. i dun mind taking the responsibility.
because mum couldnt communicate with dad.
mum is always shouting and always impatient.
because dad is a bit deaf and also very cheong hei.
but beneath all that, i see dad loving mum, and mum loving dad.
even though very subtle. but it is enough. :)
i dun mind taking the responsibility
because sis, is selfish.
i can understand, cos she is sick now.
but if she couldnt sleep just because dad woke him up for no reason,
why couldnt she think it the other way, that we all just came back and
haven even got the time to nap, at all.
this family, loves to blame.
loves to run away from responsibility.
and i think that quality rubbed on me as well.
i am aware of that now though, and am trying to rub it off.
i dun mind taking the responsibility,
because brother is not reliable yet, not at this point.
i noe he wants to help.
but he couldnt even handle his own stuffs.
he is always trying to fly, before learning how to crawl.
he always thinks that if he aims high, he will reach high.
but, he always forget his basics.
and someone without strong base, could not succeed.
i dun mind taking the responsibility,
but i am also not saying, that they will tumble down without me around.
ofc, they will survive.
they have survived 6 years, without me.
i just feel that, i can be the missing puzzle, u noe,
to patch all the broken pieces in this family.
and there are lots of patches.
trust me.
nobody cannot survive without anybody.
we all survive.
just dont leave regrets,
and appreciate, while ur loved ones are still living.
appreciate all the tiny little things,
because those, are the ones that matters most.
all the negativity fade with time.
all the positive image stays.
love preservers. hatred always vanishes with time.
0426
Sunday, July 13, 2014 | 12:17 AM | 0 comments
i wish i can tell u how i feel.in fact, i can.. but i am afraid. im afraid, of getting no response from u. i know i tend to think too much. u probably don't miss me anymore, getting back to ur usual routine, playing dota with ur frens, lepaking and drinking, and chilling with them. but, its getting more difficult to keep everything inside. so, even if i now im on a repeat tape here, i gotta say this, at least on this space of mine. i miss u so damn much. every single thing i do, everyday, i wish i could have u by my side. (okay, maybe a little exaggerated) but i miss having u to go back to every night, and i miss sharing how our day went at the end of the day. i saw ppl playing basketball, and i remembered u wanted to play basketball and show me. i went to bazaar ramadhan to buy dinner there, and i almost wish i could get u another portion to eat together. i finished watching kuroko no basket, and i felt so lost. i watched video in how to play pool, and it flashbacks to times u played in front of me. i even stalked ur facebook, and read practically all the messages on ur fb wall. and realized, u got over me pretty soon, sooner than i expected. and ur life has been colorful even without me in it. and this is most probably a payback time to me, cos this time, i really miss u, and im even afraid i may have fallen for u. i guess the worse part, is that, deep inside, i noe we couldnt get together anyhow, and we should just leave things as it is, leave it as a beautiful memory. but im not as cool and as mature as u.. im still as emotional and sentimental as ever. and i do imagine about our future at times. how it would be like to date back in msia. where would u have brought me to. i just really really miss u. and u have no idea how much that is. my day starts with opening fb, wishing theres smtg from u. and reluctant to sleep every night, still waiting and wishing theres smtg frm u. i noe i need to start getting a grip. start going back to reality. but, i dont want to.. :( ain't no sunshine
Friday, July 11, 2014 | 11:46 PM | 0 comments
how i wish u still read my blog.im missing u.. like crazy. went out with mum to do some errands, like getting my news specs and changing my digi number to u-mobile but all the while, still wondering, what will happen if we actually are together, back in msia. i just hope u come back faster, not that it makes any difference.. but still.. thanx for the link of video today. u have no idea how happy i am, to see that notification from u. :) im wanna finish writing the diaries that i didnt write since our last exam till grad till i finally come back. rethinking of those moments, makes me miss u even more. but i have to do this. i have to rewrite it, so that i can eternalize the moment. |
