Friday, September 24, 2010
CIRCUS HIATUS
Circus Israelâs going to the back burner. Because the Israeli government is immersed in good-faith negotiations with the Palestinian Authority? Making the painful concessions necessary to a just resolution? No way. Israelâs more-land-fewer-goyim peace plan is still the only thing on the table.
Then why is Circus Israel, in the phrasing of the U.S. armed forces, standing down? No getting around it - after 30 months and 101 entries (enough for an anti-Zionist coffee table book), weâve fallen short of our goals. Huh? Circus Israel had goals? Yes. To help sustain, even empower, fighters for the Palestinian cause. To skewer and piss off a lot of Zionists.
The Circus has reached a handful of fighters, and your responses have been genuinely inspiring. Whether weâve bolstered you in this impossible struggle, know that youâve sustained us. But itâs come to feel like sharing in-jokes with a few staunch friends, rather than contributing meaningfully to a larger movement.
As for pissing off Zionists, weâve failed dismally. Despite our most earnest and scatological efforts. How these people can detect an anti-Zionist insult sealed in kryptonite a thousand meters away, yet take no offense at Circus Israel, is just puzzling. Unless we consider the obvious. They donât read the Circus.
This doesnât mean weâre leaving the fight. Hell no. Just changing tactics, turning to other writing genres, other expressive forms. But not changing the subject. The Palestinians canât walk away from this one-sided mess, so we wonât either.
Please donât de-activate whatever alert mechanism you might use for new Circus entries. When Circus Israel seems like the best platform for an idea, thatâs where itâll go.
Thanks for seeing the show.
(âŚand as the last clown gestures to the footlights, we FADE TO BLACK.)
Circus Israelâs going to the back burner. Because the Israeli government is immersed in good-faith negotiations with the Palestinian Authority? Making the painful concessions necessary to a just resolution? No way. Israelâs more-land-fewer-goyim peace plan is still the only thing on the table.
Then why is Circus Israel, in the phrasing of the U.S. armed forces, standing down? No getting around it - after 30 months and 101 entries (enough for an anti-Zionist coffee table book), weâve fallen short of our goals. Huh? Circus Israel had goals? Yes. To help sustain, even empower, fighters for the Palestinian cause. To skewer and piss off a lot of Zionists.
The Circus has reached a handful of fighters, and your responses have been genuinely inspiring. Whether weâve bolstered you in this impossible struggle, know that youâve sustained us. But itâs come to feel like sharing in-jokes with a few staunch friends, rather than contributing meaningfully to a larger movement.
As for pissing off Zionists, weâve failed dismally. Despite our most earnest and scatological efforts. How these people can detect an anti-Zionist insult sealed in kryptonite a thousand meters away, yet take no offense at Circus Israel, is just puzzling. Unless we consider the obvious. They donât read the Circus.
This doesnât mean weâre leaving the fight. Hell no. Just changing tactics, turning to other writing genres, other expressive forms. But not changing the subject. The Palestinians canât walk away from this one-sided mess, so we wonât either.
Please donât de-activate whatever alert mechanism you might use for new Circus entries. When Circus Israel seems like the best platform for an idea, thatâs where itâll go.
Thanks for seeing the show.
(âŚand as the last clown gestures to the footlights, we FADE TO BLACK.)
Monday, August 9, 2010
NETANYAHU WINS PEACE PRIZE
The California-based Irving Moskowitz Foundation (IMF) announced today that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will receive the foundationâs first annual Economic Peace Prize. It is âonly naturalâ to award the Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu, IMFâs press release stated, since âeconomic peace is his schtick.â The foundation and the PM both define economic peace as productive economic activity without active armed conflict or a political settlement. The essence of economic peace, the IMF explained, is that âIsrael gets the benefit of captive customers, natural resources and low-cost labor without friction or territorial compromise.â
âIâm delighted and entirely deserving,â said the Prime Minister, reached at his residence, where he was receiving a celebratory enema from his wife, Sarah. âAs Iâve said all along, itâs time for the Palestinians to stop obsessing about sovereignty and open some more strip malls and hookah joints. At least until they leave the region.â
Finance Minister Yuval Steinitz, an ardent proponent of economic peace, released the award announcement in Israel on behalf of the IMF. âEconomic peace enables responsible Arabs to grow their local economy, which could lead to discussions about non-state sovereignty in certain urbanized areas. Both sides win.â Asked why Israel then opposed Palestinian participation in the World Trade Organization, Steinitz dismissed the Palestinian WTO effort as âunilateralism.â Steinitz also rejected the notion of supplanting the Israeli siege of Gaza with economic peace. âThere can be no economic peace unless Hamas recognizes our right to exist as a Jewish State on all land we control or covet.â
Other finalists for the Economic Peace Prize were Quartet envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, former US President Bill Clinton, fictional character Gordon Gekko and Rafael Advanced Defense Systems (in recognition of its Bollywood-style arm sales video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktQOLO4U5iQ&feature). Like the other finalists, a Rafael executive accepted the results gracefully, describing Netanyahu as âa real prize himself.â Only Mr. Gekko sounded a negative note, saying âthey gave the award to my charmless clone.â
In Arab-occupied Ramallah, a spokesperson for Fatah expressed ambivalence about the award. âWe wanted Fayyad to win,â the spokesperson remarked. âBut if economic peace is where Omri Sharon opens a casino for our high-rollers, itâs still okay.â Hamas was notably less enthusiastic. âI suppose this makes us the bad guys again, but we view economic peace as intercourse with our colonizer while he dispossesses us,â said spokesman Taher al-Nono. âWasnât the North American slave trade a form of economic peace with African chieftains?â
Attempts to reach Dr. Moskowitz were unsuccessful. A person answering his office telephone stated that Dr. Moskowitz was unavailable âbecause his nose hairs are entangled in another personâs earring.â However, a purported representative did subsequently contact Circus Israel to state that Dr. Moskowitzâs tax exempt foundation, which derives most of its wealth from âcharity bingo,â sees no need to foster economic peace in East Jerusalem, where the foundation vigorously underwrites Jewish settlement activity. âOnce the Arabsâre cleaned out of there, peace and economic development will take care of themselves.â
In a prepared statement, Mr. Netanyahu characterized economic peace as âscalable, even at the teeny-tiniest micro-levelâ so that Palestinians had no basis for demanding additional territory. On a related subject, the PMâs statement criticized Elvis Costello, the Pixies, Gil Scott Heron and other artists that have refused to perform in Israel. According to the statement, âthese C-list performers are enemies of economic peace, apparently preferring to promote suicide attacks that leave little bits of human flesh dangling from the tattered awnings of family-owned enterprises.â
With some reluctance, but also with a clear awareness of where his money comes from, Noam Arnon will formally present the Moskowitz Foundation Economic Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu in Hebron, where Jewish settler violence has virtually exterminated Palestinian commercial activity around Shuhada Street.
The California-based Irving Moskowitz Foundation (IMF) announced today that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will receive the foundationâs first annual Economic Peace Prize. It is âonly naturalâ to award the Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu, IMFâs press release stated, since âeconomic peace is his schtick.â The foundation and the PM both define economic peace as productive economic activity without active armed conflict or a political settlement. The essence of economic peace, the IMF explained, is that âIsrael gets the benefit of captive customers, natural resources and low-cost labor without friction or territorial compromise.â
âIâm delighted and entirely deserving,â said the Prime Minister, reached at his residence, where he was receiving a celebratory enema from his wife, Sarah. âAs Iâve said all along, itâs time for the Palestinians to stop obsessing about sovereignty and open some more strip malls and hookah joints. At least until they leave the region.â
Finance Minister Yuval Steinitz, an ardent proponent of economic peace, released the award announcement in Israel on behalf of the IMF. âEconomic peace enables responsible Arabs to grow their local economy, which could lead to discussions about non-state sovereignty in certain urbanized areas. Both sides win.â Asked why Israel then opposed Palestinian participation in the World Trade Organization, Steinitz dismissed the Palestinian WTO effort as âunilateralism.â Steinitz also rejected the notion of supplanting the Israeli siege of Gaza with economic peace. âThere can be no economic peace unless Hamas recognizes our right to exist as a Jewish State on all land we control or covet.â
Other finalists for the Economic Peace Prize were Quartet envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, former US President Bill Clinton, fictional character Gordon Gekko and Rafael Advanced Defense Systems (in recognition of its Bollywood-style arm sales video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktQOLO4U5iQ&feature). Like the other finalists, a Rafael executive accepted the results gracefully, describing Netanyahu as âa real prize himself.â Only Mr. Gekko sounded a negative note, saying âthey gave the award to my charmless clone.â
In Arab-occupied Ramallah, a spokesperson for Fatah expressed ambivalence about the award. âWe wanted Fayyad to win,â the spokesperson remarked. âBut if economic peace is where Omri Sharon opens a casino for our high-rollers, itâs still okay.â Hamas was notably less enthusiastic. âI suppose this makes us the bad guys again, but we view economic peace as intercourse with our colonizer while he dispossesses us,â said spokesman Taher al-Nono. âWasnât the North American slave trade a form of economic peace with African chieftains?â
Attempts to reach Dr. Moskowitz were unsuccessful. A person answering his office telephone stated that Dr. Moskowitz was unavailable âbecause his nose hairs are entangled in another personâs earring.â However, a purported representative did subsequently contact Circus Israel to state that Dr. Moskowitzâs tax exempt foundation, which derives most of its wealth from âcharity bingo,â sees no need to foster economic peace in East Jerusalem, where the foundation vigorously underwrites Jewish settlement activity. âOnce the Arabsâre cleaned out of there, peace and economic development will take care of themselves.â
In a prepared statement, Mr. Netanyahu characterized economic peace as âscalable, even at the teeny-tiniest micro-levelâ so that Palestinians had no basis for demanding additional territory. On a related subject, the PMâs statement criticized Elvis Costello, the Pixies, Gil Scott Heron and other artists that have refused to perform in Israel. According to the statement, âthese C-list performers are enemies of economic peace, apparently preferring to promote suicide attacks that leave little bits of human flesh dangling from the tattered awnings of family-owned enterprises.â
With some reluctance, but also with a clear awareness of where his money comes from, Noam Arnon will formally present the Moskowitz Foundation Economic Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu in Hebron, where Jewish settler violence has virtually exterminated Palestinian commercial activity around Shuhada Street.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A CHALLENGE TO ALL CHICKENSHIT ZIONISTS
Zionists, listen up! I, David Bar Echsam, challenge you to a fight. All of you. Youâre weak, self-hating cowards and Iâm gonna kick your asses.
That means face-to-face combat, bochur. No keyboards, no remote-controlled drones, no mob to protect you. Just you and me. Prison rules. Or no rules at all. And no weapons. Except hands, feet, teeth, permanently affixed prostheses and, when appropriate, genitals. Frankly, after I knock you out, I may have my way with you.
You love force and aggression? Great. Letâs go. Big or small, young or old, ultra-orthodox or secular, male, female or in transition, I donât care. Fight me. Are you trained? A krav maga expert? A big Jackie Chan fan? Cool. Fight me. You a pencil-necked, pimple-faced yeshiva boy or some other wanker? Thatâs your problem. Fight me.
A little doubt just crept into your tummy, didnât it? A brief, disorienting flash of you - all by yourself - somewhere beyond the internet cafĂŠ, somewhere beyond the barracks or the bath-house, nothing lethal or ironic in your hands, exposed and responsible, waiting...
Oh, donât lose your water, pussy. Youâre safe. Unless you take the challenge. Unless you tell me where to find you. Unless you man up and fight me.
Hereâs my Zionist fighting schedule: anywhere, any time. You provide the coordinates, I show up, we fight. Feel free to pick a nice place to convalesce after I slap the shit out of you. But donât delay. Iâm limiting myself to bitch-slapping 18 Zionists per day. Why 18? Itâs probably a vestige of family gift-giving to the Jewish Federation. Iâd go double chai, but thereâre only so many hours in a day.
So come out, come out, yellow-belly. This really is the ass-whipping you need. And since youâre not used to fighting without weapons superiority, Iâll take it easy on you. It wonât be like the stomping youâd get in a fair fight with a Palestinian.
Zionists, listen up! I, David Bar Echsam, challenge you to a fight. All of you. Youâre weak, self-hating cowards and Iâm gonna kick your asses.
That means face-to-face combat, bochur. No keyboards, no remote-controlled drones, no mob to protect you. Just you and me. Prison rules. Or no rules at all. And no weapons. Except hands, feet, teeth, permanently affixed prostheses and, when appropriate, genitals. Frankly, after I knock you out, I may have my way with you.
You love force and aggression? Great. Letâs go. Big or small, young or old, ultra-orthodox or secular, male, female or in transition, I donât care. Fight me. Are you trained? A krav maga expert? A big Jackie Chan fan? Cool. Fight me. You a pencil-necked, pimple-faced yeshiva boy or some other wanker? Thatâs your problem. Fight me.
A little doubt just crept into your tummy, didnât it? A brief, disorienting flash of you - all by yourself - somewhere beyond the internet cafĂŠ, somewhere beyond the barracks or the bath-house, nothing lethal or ironic in your hands, exposed and responsible, waiting...
Oh, donât lose your water, pussy. Youâre safe. Unless you take the challenge. Unless you tell me where to find you. Unless you man up and fight me.
Hereâs my Zionist fighting schedule: anywhere, any time. You provide the coordinates, I show up, we fight. Feel free to pick a nice place to convalesce after I slap the shit out of you. But donât delay. Iâm limiting myself to bitch-slapping 18 Zionists per day. Why 18? Itâs probably a vestige of family gift-giving to the Jewish Federation. Iâd go double chai, but thereâre only so many hours in a day.
So come out, come out, yellow-belly. This really is the ass-whipping you need. And since youâre not used to fighting without weapons superiority, Iâll take it easy on you. It wonât be like the stomping youâd get in a fair fight with a Palestinian.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
PALESTINIANS STRIVE TO RESIST APPROPRIATELY
According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeliâs âsecurity barrierâ would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish Stateâs admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.
Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that wonât offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).
Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollardâs publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Saâadat (PFLP).
MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so Iâm just gonna say what needs to be said. Weâre screwing up the one thing we always agreed on â Israelâs needs come first. We must â I mean must â find modes of resistance that donât offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. Iâll burn copies for you guys.
SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldnât agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since it's stuff made on our land and all that, but itâs just way too aggressive. We shouldâve run it by the Yesha Council.
FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla â what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, itâs a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.
SAâADAT: Say, whoâs gonna talk to these hotheads in Niâlin and Biâlin? Itâs not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I donât want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.
FAYYAD: Youâre blaming the Authority, I assume.
SAâADAT: Your turf, man.
FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have â
MESHAL: Câmon, câmon. Guys, thereâs plenty of blame for everyone. Letâs keep it positive.
SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says â
SAâADAT: This the one where the rabbi says âoy vey, itâs bigger than a palm treeâ?
SHALLAH: You heard it already?
MESHAL: Who hasnât? That jokeâs older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, letâs focus here. One suggestion - why donât we just ask the Israelis what protest theyâll tolerate?
SAâADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, youâre just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, itâs our duty to figure this out.
MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?
SHALLAH: Thatâs just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis donât have a comparable peacemaker.
FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.
MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit it quietly through proper channels, we canât go wrong. Itâs their own form.
SHALLAH: Thatâs good. Just letâs not flood them with complaints. Weâll look like a nuisance and itâs not very nice.
MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.
FAYYAD: Well, too littleâs okay.
SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!
SAâADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like heâs in my head!
FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!
MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but weâre burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesnât offend those guys, itâs good to go.
SAâADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.
MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.
SAâADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, youâd know Iâve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.
MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said theyâre very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?
FAYYAD: Demand?
MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.
SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully requestâŚwhat?
SAâADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?
FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?
SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?
SAâADAT: No, no â thatâs to be negotiated.
SHALLAH: Thisâs really hard. Ya know, I just donât think itâs so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what theyâll tolerate.
MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.
SAâADAT: Why canât we be delightfully quirky like that?
MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest votingâs obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."
FAYYAD: Khaled, câmon, manâŚ
MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything weâre talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, itâs all on purpose to make us surrender?
SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, thatâs really paranoid.
SAâADAT: Worse, itâs anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, Iâm very disappointed.
SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.
FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.
MESHAL: Sorry. Guess Iâm a little frustratedâŚ
SHALLAH: Hereâs a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says âlet bygones be bygones â drinksâre on me!â Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. âLet bygones be bygones â drinksâre on me!â Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, âIâm not buying you guys any more drinks.â Jewish guy says, âgood, âcause weâre tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!â
FAYYAD: Now thatâs funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!
According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeliâs âsecurity barrierâ would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish Stateâs admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.
Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that wonât offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).
Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollardâs publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Saâadat (PFLP).
MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so Iâm just gonna say what needs to be said. Weâre screwing up the one thing we always agreed on â Israelâs needs come first. We must â I mean must â find modes of resistance that donât offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. Iâll burn copies for you guys.
SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldnât agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since it's stuff made on our land and all that, but itâs just way too aggressive. We shouldâve run it by the Yesha Council.
FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla â what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, itâs a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.
SAâADAT: Say, whoâs gonna talk to these hotheads in Niâlin and Biâlin? Itâs not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I donât want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.
FAYYAD: Youâre blaming the Authority, I assume.
SAâADAT: Your turf, man.
FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have â
MESHAL: Câmon, câmon. Guys, thereâs plenty of blame for everyone. Letâs keep it positive.
SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says â
SAâADAT: This the one where the rabbi says âoy vey, itâs bigger than a palm treeâ?
SHALLAH: You heard it already?
MESHAL: Who hasnât? That jokeâs older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, letâs focus here. One suggestion - why donât we just ask the Israelis what protest theyâll tolerate?
SAâADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, youâre just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, itâs our duty to figure this out.
MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?
SHALLAH: Thatâs just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis donât have a comparable peacemaker.
FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.
MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit it quietly through proper channels, we canât go wrong. Itâs their own form.
SHALLAH: Thatâs good. Just letâs not flood them with complaints. Weâll look like a nuisance and itâs not very nice.
MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.
FAYYAD: Well, too littleâs okay.
SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!
SAâADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like heâs in my head!
FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!
MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but weâre burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesnât offend those guys, itâs good to go.
SAâADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.
MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.
SAâADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, youâd know Iâve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.
MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said theyâre very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?
FAYYAD: Demand?
MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.
SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully requestâŚwhat?
SAâADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?
FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?
SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?
SAâADAT: No, no â thatâs to be negotiated.
SHALLAH: Thisâs really hard. Ya know, I just donât think itâs so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what theyâll tolerate.
MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.
SAâADAT: Why canât we be delightfully quirky like that?
MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest votingâs obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."
FAYYAD: Khaled, câmon, manâŚ
MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything weâre talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, itâs all on purpose to make us surrender?
SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, thatâs really paranoid.
SAâADAT: Worse, itâs anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, Iâm very disappointed.
SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.
FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.
MESHAL: Sorry. Guess Iâm a little frustratedâŚ
SHALLAH: Hereâs a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says âlet bygones be bygones â drinksâre on me!â Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. âLet bygones be bygones â drinksâre on me!â Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, âIâm not buying you guys any more drinks.â Jewish guy says, âgood, âcause weâre tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!â
FAYYAD: Now thatâs funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
ISRAEL CONTINUES WORLD CUP ADVANCE
Israelâs drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFAâs inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the worldâs gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFAâs self-serving procedures âdisputed.â All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israelâs Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.
Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg
Weâre talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africaâs been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone elseâs goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporterâs loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!
âThis team's firing on all cylinders!â gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. âI donât like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, itâs all up to them.â
It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!
Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldnât be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they couldâve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!
What you football crazies need to understand is this ainât your rabbiâs old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (âThank God youâre a man,â the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!
Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, securityâs always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a âwell-meaningâ Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Letâs just say heâs headed his last ball.
Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israelâs-always-wrong crowd canât stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then thereâs that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): âThese Israeli guysâre always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, thereâs not even a goalie left. But theyâre still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.â Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasnât shown up down here. Heâd cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)
By the way, letâs quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad âhit.â Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get âkilledâ in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.
Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the âofficialâ winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesnât wait forever. One way or the otherâŚSee you at the finals!
Israelâs drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFAâs inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the worldâs gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFAâs self-serving procedures âdisputed.â All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israelâs Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.
Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg
Weâre talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africaâs been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone elseâs goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporterâs loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!
âThis team's firing on all cylinders!â gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. âI donât like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, itâs all up to them.â
It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!
Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldnât be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they couldâve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!
What you football crazies need to understand is this ainât your rabbiâs old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (âThank God youâre a man,â the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!
Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, securityâs always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a âwell-meaningâ Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Letâs just say heâs headed his last ball.
Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israelâs-always-wrong crowd canât stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then thereâs that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): âThese Israeli guysâre always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, thereâs not even a goalie left. But theyâre still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.â Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasnât shown up down here. Heâd cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)
By the way, letâs quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad âhit.â Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get âkilledâ in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.
Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the âofficialâ winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesnât wait forever. One way or the otherâŚSee you at the finals!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
BARAK FOLLOWS THE GANGSTA LIFESTYLE
Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud âLittle 2-Faceâ Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe âBoogieâ Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi âDraculaâ Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer âChopstixâ Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that âwe arenât North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there arenât second chances for those that donât defend themselves.â So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.
CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of â
BARAK: Man, donât be puttinâ your sandal on that footlocker. Yâall disrespectinâ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.
CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. Iâm just trying to make sure I understandâŚwhen you say âno mercy for the weak,â are you implying the Flotilla was weak? Weâve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.
BARAK: Now yâall puttinâ words in my mouth, yo. What Iâm tellinâ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ainât no way âround that in this world.
CI: So youâre saying Israel canât be perceived as weak or sheâll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -
BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethinâ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gonâ do? Yâall gonâ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gonâ crack my motherfuckinâ head open. Or next time, wonât be no jelly bean. Iâll be takinâ the motherfuckinâ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any olâ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gonâ do then? Nothinâ. âCause it too late.
CI: So itâs as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison â
BARAK: Now you gettingâ it, baby. Yâall in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gonâ be somebodyâs bitch.
CI: But how do you get out of â
BARAK: Out?! Yâall must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ainât no out. Shit.
CI: Itâs so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.
BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.
CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous âgenerous offerâ at Camp David.
BARAK: Man, yâall gotta understand they wasnât no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other hoâs. Man, I donât give nothinâ away. You want what I got, gonâ have to take it.
CI: Arenât you like a prisoner thatâs become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?
BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep âem mean.
CI: Even cruel?
BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixinâ to whup my ass. Thinkinâ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gonâ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he donât never ever think about whupping my ass again. He donât just think twice about it. He donât think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothinâ inside him but the fear.
CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justiceâŚ
BARAK: Boy, yâall one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else â killaz now, killaz forevuh.
CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said âthe IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.â Isnât that contradicting â
BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.
CI: Thereâs that vaunted Jewish sense of humorâŚ
BARAK: Ainât no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitinâ on? Pop a cap in that motherfuckerâs ass.
CI: Ahh!! Iâm a journalist!
BARAK: Ainât that some sweet shitâŚDracula, cap his ass again!
Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud âLittle 2-Faceâ Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe âBoogieâ Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi âDraculaâ Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer âChopstixâ Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that âwe arenât North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there arenât second chances for those that donât defend themselves.â So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.
CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of â
BARAK: Man, donât be puttinâ your sandal on that footlocker. Yâall disrespectinâ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.
CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. Iâm just trying to make sure I understandâŚwhen you say âno mercy for the weak,â are you implying the Flotilla was weak? Weâve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.
BARAK: Now yâall puttinâ words in my mouth, yo. What Iâm tellinâ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ainât no way âround that in this world.
CI: So youâre saying Israel canât be perceived as weak or sheâll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -
BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethinâ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gonâ do? Yâall gonâ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gonâ crack my motherfuckinâ head open. Or next time, wonât be no jelly bean. Iâll be takinâ the motherfuckinâ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any olâ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gonâ do then? Nothinâ. âCause it too late.
CI: So itâs as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison â
BARAK: Now you gettingâ it, baby. Yâall in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gonâ be somebodyâs bitch.
CI: But how do you get out of â
BARAK: Out?! Yâall must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ainât no out. Shit.
CI: Itâs so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.
BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.
CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous âgenerous offerâ at Camp David.
BARAK: Man, yâall gotta understand they wasnât no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other hoâs. Man, I donât give nothinâ away. You want what I got, gonâ have to take it.
CI: Arenât you like a prisoner thatâs become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?
BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep âem mean.
CI: Even cruel?
BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixinâ to whup my ass. Thinkinâ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gonâ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he donât never ever think about whupping my ass again. He donât just think twice about it. He donât think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothinâ inside him but the fear.
CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justiceâŚ
BARAK: Boy, yâall one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else â killaz now, killaz forevuh.
CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said âthe IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.â Isnât that contradicting â
BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.
CI: Thereâs that vaunted Jewish sense of humorâŚ
BARAK: Ainât no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitinâ on? Pop a cap in that motherfuckerâs ass.
CI: Ahh!! Iâm a journalist!
BARAK: Ainât that some sweet shitâŚDracula, cap his ass again!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, itâs time to play Israelâs favorite game, âHow Stupid Are You?â Sure, youâre familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, letâs review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because hereâs where you come in. Youâll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you canât, or - better yet - you donât even know itâs a lie, a panel of Israelâs top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler âHow Stupid Are You?â And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahuâs own spin doctor, the bullshitterâs bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the âproâ in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and letâs play âHow Stupid Are You?!!â
âWith the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.â Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?
âIsrael had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.â Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?
âAnything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.â Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?
âOur best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not âweaponsâ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.â Kosher? How Stupid Are You?
âThe beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara â objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the worldâs most powerful armed forces.â Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?
âForcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.â Cool? How stupid are you?
âWith the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, thereâs a rock-solid rumor that theyâre linked to Al Qaeda.â Wow. How Stupid Are You?
âThis whole unfortunate incident couldâve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of âhumanitarianâ wouldâve applied, which means most of the shipsâ cargo wouldâve been rejected, and the rest wouldâve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.â Anything? How stupid are you?
âIf there were any reason to investigate Israelâs defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea â and there is none â Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.â How Stupid Are You?
âAny belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britainâs Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.â How...stupid...are...you?
Thanks for playing âHow stupid are you?â Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and câmon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.
Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, itâs time to play Israelâs favorite game, âHow Stupid Are You?â Sure, youâre familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, letâs review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because hereâs where you come in. Youâll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you canât, or - better yet - you donât even know itâs a lie, a panel of Israelâs top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler âHow Stupid Are You?â And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahuâs own spin doctor, the bullshitterâs bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the âproâ in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and letâs play âHow Stupid Are You?!!â
âWith the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.â Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?
âIsrael had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.â Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?
âAnything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.â Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?
âOur best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not âweaponsâ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.â Kosher? How Stupid Are You?
âThe beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara â objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the worldâs most powerful armed forces.â Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?
âForcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.â Cool? How stupid are you?
âWith the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, thereâs a rock-solid rumor that theyâre linked to Al Qaeda.â Wow. How Stupid Are You?
âThis whole unfortunate incident couldâve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of âhumanitarianâ wouldâve applied, which means most of the shipsâ cargo wouldâve been rejected, and the rest wouldâve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.â Anything? How stupid are you?
âIf there were any reason to investigate Israelâs defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea â and there is none â Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.â How Stupid Are You?
âAny belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britainâs Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.â How...stupid...are...you?
Thanks for playing âHow stupid are you?â Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and câmon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
ISRAEL FEELING SINGLED OUT
The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)
SHMUEL R. (software designer): âAll Iâm saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, youâre a Jew-hating shit-head. Thatâs all Iâm saying.â
ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): âIâm only against being singled out. I donât oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that weâre unique, a Light Unto Nations, Godâs Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, donât single us out.â
ADINA L. (early childhood educator): âOnce in a while, single us out for something good weâve developed â like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.â
YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): âHow about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?â
TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): âMaybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause inâŚall those places they cause trouble in."
STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) âWhy donât they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why donât they? Nothing to say, judenrat?â
AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) âUs they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?â
MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): âCan you believe what theyâre getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?â
YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): âWhich singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?â
DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) âBlood libel!â
SHIMON P. (President of Israel): âItâs time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites.â
AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): âAs a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. Itâs a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.â
GOLDA A. (painless dentist): âI have only one question about this repulsive singling out â is it good for the Jews?â
The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)
SHMUEL R. (software designer): âAll Iâm saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, youâre a Jew-hating shit-head. Thatâs all Iâm saying.â
ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): âIâm only against being singled out. I donât oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that weâre unique, a Light Unto Nations, Godâs Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, donât single us out.â
ADINA L. (early childhood educator): âOnce in a while, single us out for something good weâve developed â like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.â
YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): âHow about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?â
TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): âMaybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause inâŚall those places they cause trouble in."
STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) âWhy donât they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why donât they? Nothing to say, judenrat?â
AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) âUs they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?â
MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): âCan you believe what theyâre getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?â
YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): âWhich singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?â
DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) âBlood libel!â
SHIMON P. (President of Israel): âItâs time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites.â
AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): âAs a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. Itâs a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.â
GOLDA A. (painless dentist): âI have only one question about this repulsive singling out â is it good for the Jews?â
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
THANK GOD I WASNâT BORN A GENTILE
In 2009, MK Zevulun Orlev (New National Religious Party) proposed legislation to criminalize public denial of Israelâs right to exist as a Jewish and democratic state (but only if that denial might arouse attitudes rejected by all civilized people, such as âdisdainâ). Also in that year, MK Alex Miller (Yisrael Beitenu) presented a law outlawing commemoration of al Nakba (that sourpuss Palestinian slur for Israeli independence). Yet purple-lipped, Jew-hating zealots vilified us. Us! The Only Democracy in the Middle East! For what? For doing nothing more than invoking our inalienable right to punish opinions we donât want to hear. Oh, the things they called us â small-minded, racist, weak. Anything to put Jews on the defensive. Now weâre getting hassled for a military order authorizing expulsion or imprisonment of any Palestinian in the West Bank without proper Israeli-issued West Bank identification. Arenât we the only nation being de-legitimized for administrative efficiency?
Enough. No more explanations, justifications or strategic and minutely limited contrition. No more soothing your gentile sensibilities. The gloves are coming off. Goyim, hereâs the truth. Weâre better. Thatâs it. Case closed. Jews are better. You already knew that. Now deal with it. No more asking us to change things for you. Why should we? Weâre already better than you. Next time we do something you donât like, keep your mouths shut. Who are you to tell us anything? Youâre less. And in this case, less is not more. Thank God we werenât born gentiles. Now get out. Leave Eretz Israel. Why would we want you here? We want to be around better people. We are better people. Go. If we want you to do something for us, weâll let you know. Until then, just go.
Weâve tried to tell you this for a long time. âThank God I wasnât born a gentile.â This is our prayer. What part didnât you understand? âThank God I wasnât born a gentile.â Either you didnât listen carefully or we overestimated your gentile capacity to understand our meaning. So now weâll remind you every time our paths intersect. Weâve proposed a new law in the Knesset - the âThank God I Wasnât Born a Gentile Law.â It requires us to tell you, whenever possible, how we feel about ourselves and about you. Under the TGIWBAG Law, the words âThank God I Wasnât Born a Gentileâ must appear conspicuously in any document or be spoken in a loud, strong voice whenever:
Israel accepts financial aid, loan guarantees or weaponry from the United States or any other nation;
Israel demands that another country sanction or attack Iran;
Israel demands (1) a veto of an unfavorable UN resolution or (2) international repudiation of a UN agency, an NGO, a BDS proposal or the Goldstone Report;
An Israeli official or diplomat lobbies the US Congress, the parliament of any other nation or any multi-national organization;
Israel enters into a treaty or other agreement with any nation or people;
Anything produced in Israel or by Jewish settlers in the occupied territories is offered for sale outside Israel;
Israel issues a Jewish ânationalityâ passport (but not any of the other 100-plus ânationalitiesâ on Israeli passports);
Israel communicates with any foreign ambassador or emissary who has not already been insulted;
Israel accepts money or support from a Christian Zionist (unless a Rapture occurs first);
A Jewish Israeli describes âour shared valuesâ to any Western media outlet;
Israel equals or exceeds its total of 1 bronze medal in the 2008 Olympics (note: calling the host nation âscum,â as bronze medalist Sahar Zudari did in Beijing, cannot be substituted for âThank God I wasnât born a gentileâ);
A Jewish Israeli copies the cuisine, music, television, film, dance or popular culture of another people or nation (this includes any version of the high-five, rapping in any language, karaoke and Amir âBrotherâ Benayounâs music);
Omri Casspi accepts his paycheck from the Maloof family, the Lebanese-American owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings;
Bibiâs comb-over appears in a foreign publication (speak firmly - and no laughing).
So, gentile, hopefully this will clarify, once and for all, our perspective on Jewish-only highways and Arab inhabitation of East Jerusalem. And the next time you fly into Israel on Thank God I Wasnât Born a Gentile Airlines, land at Thank God I Wasnât Born a Gentile Airport, and exchange your currency for a stack of Thank God I Wasnât Born a Gentiles, look closely at those proud and pious Jewish men strolling in their handsome fur Shtreimels and conversing in Hebrew. Youâll know exactly what theyâre thinking.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
SPRING BOOKS FOR FERVENT ZIONISTS
Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, Godâs eternally Chosen People and humankindâs eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If youâre too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesnât.
THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)
Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israelâs struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (â[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.â) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another âand killâ to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes âall day, every dayâ to â24/7/365.â The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, âwill become even bigger animals than they are today.â The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans donât quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, theyâre doomed to live as werewolves.
SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).
In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israelâs image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israelâs supporters with âJustification Fatigue.â He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDFâs principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed âI feel really flatulent.â But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. âLet them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. Theyâll awaken to a united Jerusalem.â
IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)
No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to Americaâs presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)
The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israelâs most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews donât speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldsteinâs medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldsteinâs idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.
CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)
Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as âcowardly and naĂŻve.â
AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).
In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israelâs Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israelâs âculinary High Priestessâ and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach â how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shiâite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.
DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)
The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for âthe despised,â by pit-bulling for some of Americaâs biggest â and often wealthiest â assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. âI am,â he insists, âmy toughest case.â Labeling himself an âutterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,â the frothy professor persuades us that heâs everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.
RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).
Israelâs Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabetâs letter âJ.â After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital âJâ the âeternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.â Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. âIt is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.â
SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).
Israelâs Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when theyâre not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.
Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, Godâs eternally Chosen People and humankindâs eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If youâre too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesnât.
THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)
Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israelâs struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (â[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.â) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another âand killâ to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes âall day, every dayâ to â24/7/365.â The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, âwill become even bigger animals than they are today.â The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans donât quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, theyâre doomed to live as werewolves.
SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).
In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israelâs image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israelâs supporters with âJustification Fatigue.â He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDFâs principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed âI feel really flatulent.â But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. âLet them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. Theyâll awaken to a united Jerusalem.â
IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)
No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to Americaâs presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)
The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israelâs most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews donât speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldsteinâs medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldsteinâs idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.
CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)
Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as âcowardly and naĂŻve.â
AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).
In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israelâs Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israelâs âculinary High Priestessâ and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach â how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shiâite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.
DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)
The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for âthe despised,â by pit-bulling for some of Americaâs biggest â and often wealthiest â assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. âI am,â he insists, âmy toughest case.â Labeling himself an âutterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,â the frothy professor persuades us that heâs everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.
RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).
Israelâs Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabetâs letter âJ.â After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital âJâ the âeternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.â Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. âIt is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.â
SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).
Israelâs Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when theyâre not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I LOVE LUCY THE CHRISTIAN ZIONIST
Another Circus Israel exclusive: Israel Channel 1 will roll out a new comedy series remaking the legendary American sitcom âI Love Lucy.â The original âLucyâ premiered in the 1950âs and has delighted succeeding generations in re-run. The title roles, inaugurated by Lucille Ball (âLucy Ricardoâ) and Desi Arnaz (âRicky Ricardoâ), will be assumed by Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon and his Israeli-American spouse, Anne. Evgeny Afineevsky of New Generation Films will produce and direct. Afineevskyâs previous work includes âOy Vey, My Son is Gayâ and âBooty and the Beast.â The new âLucyâ will be called "I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist" and will be set in contemporary Israel, retaining the flavor and characters of the original. âListen, Iâm so thrilled with this project!â said Afineevsky. "Danny and Anne are perfect, and Iâve got Menahem Golan, who loved âLucyâ forever, backing me up again. And Iâll tell you something else. I worked with Carmen Electra in 'Oy Vey,â and you just might see her as a wacky neighbor whoâs into Kabbalah.â Circus Israel obtained a rough-cut of the first episode of the new âLucyâ by telling Danny Ayalon he looked âyouthful.â Hereâs what we saw on the screenâŚ
SCENE 1
The Ricardos' living room in Hod Hasharon. RICKY RICARDO enters, humming. Applause. He stumbles on a toy - a dinosaur with a skullcap and payot. He picks it up, sighs.
RICKY: And they say the Jews havenât been here since time immemorial?
As Ricky puts the toy on the sofa, LUCY RICARDO enters. Applause.
LUCY: Whatâd you say, honey?...(Seeing the toy) Oof! Nim'as li! (Firing the toy at a frightened MAID) Are you retarded? Clean this room! (To Ricky, suddenly smiling) Sweetheart, I was just thinking⌠(straightens his tie) how ever since we met 33 years ago when I was an Ohio schoolgirl with fresh, all-American looks, red hair, unexpectedly fulsome breasts and oral skills tailor-made to hook a handsome, ambitious, high-strung but essentially insecure Mizrahi bandleader-politician hunting for a trophy wife men would lust forâŚ(pauses for breath), youâve made me almost the happiest gal in Israel.
RICKY: âAlmost.â Wait a second. Youâre up to something, Lucy. Another one of your hare-brained schemes?
LUCY: Oh, Ricky, how could you say such a thing?
RICKY: Câmon, what is it this time?
LUCY: Well, nothing really. Just Ethel and I are working on a cabaret act âŚ
RICKY: And?
LUCY: And weâd really like to perform in your show -
RICKY: Absolutely not.
LUCY: Please, honey -
RICKY: I said no. Thatâs it. Now letâs get ready for the Turkish ambassador. Heâll be here any minute. With plenty of news cameras.
LUCY: Cameras?
RICKY: Lucy, no bright ideas.
LUCY: Of course not, dear.
SCENE 2
Lucyâs in the family garden, arranging chairs. She continuously rearranges, trying for perfection. After several changes, she returns to the original arrangement, triggering the laugh track. ESTHER âETHELâ MERTZ enters in a cabaret dress. Applause. She looks around furtively.
ETHEL: Ricky around?
LUCY: Heâs flirting with the hall mirror. The big lug says it completes him.
ETHEL: Whereâs your cabaret dress, Lucy?
LUCY: Ready to go.
ETHEL: I just donât think thisâll work.
LUCY: Stop worrying, Ethel. Itâs foolproof. We put on those dreadful veils and tell the security detail weâre with the Turkish ambassador. Once we get in front of the cameras, we ditch the veils and start singing. Ricky has to go along - he canât admit we crashed his meeting. Uh-oh, here he comes! Hide behind that Shoah memorial fountain.
Ethel does. Ricky enters.
RICKY: Lucy, whatâre you doing? Are you crazy?
LUCY: Whatâs wrong? Everythingâs equal.
RICKY: Thatâs whatâs wrong! Ahabla! Donât you understand - weâre humiliating Turkey for criticizing Operation Cast Lead and making the Mossad look violent on TV. (Pulling down the Turkish flag) Throw this rag away. (Tossing chair) And no seat. Inflate that little wading pool and fill it with warm water. The ambassador can sit in it like a baby. Iâll stand on the lifeguard tower and look down at him.
LUCY: I thought Turkey was our ally.
RICKY: I told you a thousand times, Israel doesnât have allies. We have mutual interests. Turkeyâs no different than you Christian Zionists.
LUCY: Weâre selling Heron drones to the Christian Zionists, too? About time.
RICKY: Stop being silly and go find some handcuffs. Weâll strip the ambassador naked and let our dog lunge at him. And no funny business with the cabaret stuff.
Lucy leaves to find handcuffs. Ricky shakes his head. EFRAIM âFREDâ MERTZ enters. Applause.
FRED: Hey, Rick. You wonât believe what happened to me. They used my passport.
RICKY: Who?
FRED: The Mossad. When they hit al-Mabhouh in Dubai. Hell, I never left the country. Iâve been constipated for a month.
RICKY: Maybe it wasnât the Mossad.
FRED: And maybe the Pals donât miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
RICKY: That line never gets old, Fred.
FRED: Wish I could say the same about Ethel. Hey, listen, I got that Congressman Delahunt coming to your little shindig. And his J Street puppetmasters.
RICKY: Nice work! Weâre going to have quite a humiliation party. Speaking of which, Lucy and Ethel are cooking something up.
FRED: Not Ethelâs eggplant salad.
RICKY: Worse. Cabaret. And Iâve got a little surprise for them. I figure theyâll try to sneak in with the Turkish ambassador. So I told the security boys to pick âem up and interrogate âem. Letâs see if an hour with their heads in a vomit-filled bag improves their behavior.
FRED: Heck, Ethelâs already a vomit-filled bag.
RICKY. Fred. Be nice.
FRED: Easy for you to say. Your wifeâs got all-American looks, red hair and unexpectedly fulsome breasts
RICKY: (indicating the corner of his mouth) FredâŚ
FRED: Huh? OhâŚ(he wipes food from his face) Ethelâs eggplant salad. Hey, a manâs gotta eat.
RICKY: Câmon, itâs almost show time. Call Avigdor, tell him weâre set.
Ricky and Fred leave. Ethel comes out of hiding, furious. Lucy enters.
LUCY: Thought theyâd never leave.
ETHEL: Vomit-filled bag, huh?
LUCY: Whatâs wrong, Ethel.
ETHEL: Nothing a targeted assassination wouldnât cure. By the way, theyâve already figured out your plan.
LUCY: Then weâll just go to Plan B.
SCENE 3
In front of the Ricardo home. The Turkish AMBASSADOR (Ahmet Oguz Celikkol) and his entourage alight from several cars. The usual klan of ultra-nationalist, ultra-orthodox and ultra-nationalist/ultra-orthodox protesters, premature burnouts and Aryeh Eldad scream and spit at them. Security personnel and police from various agencies watch indifferently. Ricky and Fred are sunbathing on recliners.
RICKY: Hey, whatâs this, a Qassam squad?
FRED: Or just car thieves?
AMBASSADOR: Please, Deputy Minister Ricardo, help us.
RICKY: And you are�
AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Celikkol, of course. You know this.
RICKY: From�
FRED: Iran?
RICKY: Hamas? No, wait. From that empire that used to occupy our land. Ottoman.
FRED: The kind you put your feet on.
RICKY: (passing sunscreen to the Ambassador) Here, get my legs. Then go back to our pool. My wife has your place ready.
AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage!
RICKY: (to security) Escort the ambassador and his henchmen to the pool. And question those two.
As the Ambassador and his entourage are hustled away, two women with veiled faces are separated and taken toward a security vehicle. Ricky and Fred cackle.
RICKY: Question them thoroughly!
FRED: Watch out for the fat one! She kicks like a mule!
Ricky and Fred stroll toward the rear of the house. Nearby, two bearded RABBIS stride past other security officers.
OFFICER: Stop. Show me an invitation.
1ST RABBI: We just want to throw these bricks at the Turk.
OFFICER: (waving them in) Stay away from the buffet.
SCENE 4
The Ambassador sits handcuffed in a childâs wading pool, where Fredâs hosing him down. Rickyâs talking to the news cameras.
RICKY: Look how puny he is! Like his backward, anti-semitic country. Yet weâre offering him a cool drink of water.
AMBASSADOR: You must stop!
FRED: Water too Jewish for ya?
Security escorts US. CONGRESSMAN BILL DELAHUNT toward the pool.
RICKY: Ah, Congressman, welcome to the Land of Israel! You see how I welcome you when youâre not with the Israel-haters from J Street?
DELAHUNT: Iâm very puzzled by all this. And, frankly, offended.
RICKY: Offended? You question Israelâs right to exist? (To cameras) Do you hear this incitement to terror?
DELAHUNT: Iâm a United States Congressman, sir.
FRED: Not for long. When the campaign cash rains on your Republican opponent, theyâll Scott Brown your butt right outta Massachusetts.
RICKY: Israelâs legitimacy will not be undermined by the international community. It comes directly from God, channeled through implacable future Prime Ministers like myself. (Climbing up to the diving board of his swimming pool) Witness our power! Behold! I part the waters!! (He gestures down to the pool. Nothing happens.) Behold! (to Fred, sotto voce) Psst â Fred, drain the pool!
FRED: Sorry, Rick. I got caught up with the Turkish bath. Iâll get right on it.
As Fred runs to open the pool drain, the two Rabbis dash in front of the cameras.
1ST RABBI: Mordechai, did you hear the one about the Arab that didnât blame all his problems on Israel?
2ND RABBI: Sure didnât, Meir.
1ST RABBI: Neither did I.
2ND RABBI: Then we might as well enjoy some cabaret.
The Rabbis toss off their disguises and long coats, revealing Lucy and Ethel in their cabaret dresses.
RICKY: Lucy! Whatâre you doing? This is MY show!
Lucy and Ethel sing âWillkommenâ from the musical âCabaret.â These lyrics flow and repeat as the action continues:
Another Circus Israel exclusive: Israel Channel 1 will roll out a new comedy series remaking the legendary American sitcom âI Love Lucy.â The original âLucyâ premiered in the 1950âs and has delighted succeeding generations in re-run. The title roles, inaugurated by Lucille Ball (âLucy Ricardoâ) and Desi Arnaz (âRicky Ricardoâ), will be assumed by Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon and his Israeli-American spouse, Anne. Evgeny Afineevsky of New Generation Films will produce and direct. Afineevskyâs previous work includes âOy Vey, My Son is Gayâ and âBooty and the Beast.â The new âLucyâ will be called "I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist" and will be set in contemporary Israel, retaining the flavor and characters of the original. âListen, Iâm so thrilled with this project!â said Afineevsky. "Danny and Anne are perfect, and Iâve got Menahem Golan, who loved âLucyâ forever, backing me up again. And Iâll tell you something else. I worked with Carmen Electra in 'Oy Vey,â and you just might see her as a wacky neighbor whoâs into Kabbalah.â Circus Israel obtained a rough-cut of the first episode of the new âLucyâ by telling Danny Ayalon he looked âyouthful.â Hereâs what we saw on the screenâŚ
SCENE 1
The Ricardos' living room in Hod Hasharon. RICKY RICARDO enters, humming. Applause. He stumbles on a toy - a dinosaur with a skullcap and payot. He picks it up, sighs.
RICKY: And they say the Jews havenât been here since time immemorial?
As Ricky puts the toy on the sofa, LUCY RICARDO enters. Applause.
LUCY: Whatâd you say, honey?...(Seeing the toy) Oof! Nim'as li! (Firing the toy at a frightened MAID) Are you retarded? Clean this room! (To Ricky, suddenly smiling) Sweetheart, I was just thinking⌠(straightens his tie) how ever since we met 33 years ago when I was an Ohio schoolgirl with fresh, all-American looks, red hair, unexpectedly fulsome breasts and oral skills tailor-made to hook a handsome, ambitious, high-strung but essentially insecure Mizrahi bandleader-politician hunting for a trophy wife men would lust forâŚ(pauses for breath), youâve made me almost the happiest gal in Israel.
RICKY: âAlmost.â Wait a second. Youâre up to something, Lucy. Another one of your hare-brained schemes?
LUCY: Oh, Ricky, how could you say such a thing?
RICKY: Câmon, what is it this time?
LUCY: Well, nothing really. Just Ethel and I are working on a cabaret act âŚ
RICKY: And?
LUCY: And weâd really like to perform in your show -
RICKY: Absolutely not.
LUCY: Please, honey -
RICKY: I said no. Thatâs it. Now letâs get ready for the Turkish ambassador. Heâll be here any minute. With plenty of news cameras.
LUCY: Cameras?
RICKY: Lucy, no bright ideas.
LUCY: Of course not, dear.
SCENE 2
Lucyâs in the family garden, arranging chairs. She continuously rearranges, trying for perfection. After several changes, she returns to the original arrangement, triggering the laugh track. ESTHER âETHELâ MERTZ enters in a cabaret dress. Applause. She looks around furtively.
ETHEL: Ricky around?
LUCY: Heâs flirting with the hall mirror. The big lug says it completes him.
ETHEL: Whereâs your cabaret dress, Lucy?
LUCY: Ready to go.
ETHEL: I just donât think thisâll work.
LUCY: Stop worrying, Ethel. Itâs foolproof. We put on those dreadful veils and tell the security detail weâre with the Turkish ambassador. Once we get in front of the cameras, we ditch the veils and start singing. Ricky has to go along - he canât admit we crashed his meeting. Uh-oh, here he comes! Hide behind that Shoah memorial fountain.
Ethel does. Ricky enters.
RICKY: Lucy, whatâre you doing? Are you crazy?
LUCY: Whatâs wrong? Everythingâs equal.
RICKY: Thatâs whatâs wrong! Ahabla! Donât you understand - weâre humiliating Turkey for criticizing Operation Cast Lead and making the Mossad look violent on TV. (Pulling down the Turkish flag) Throw this rag away. (Tossing chair) And no seat. Inflate that little wading pool and fill it with warm water. The ambassador can sit in it like a baby. Iâll stand on the lifeguard tower and look down at him.
LUCY: I thought Turkey was our ally.
RICKY: I told you a thousand times, Israel doesnât have allies. We have mutual interests. Turkeyâs no different than you Christian Zionists.
LUCY: Weâre selling Heron drones to the Christian Zionists, too? About time.
RICKY: Stop being silly and go find some handcuffs. Weâll strip the ambassador naked and let our dog lunge at him. And no funny business with the cabaret stuff.
Lucy leaves to find handcuffs. Ricky shakes his head. EFRAIM âFREDâ MERTZ enters. Applause.
FRED: Hey, Rick. You wonât believe what happened to me. They used my passport.
RICKY: Who?
FRED: The Mossad. When they hit al-Mabhouh in Dubai. Hell, I never left the country. Iâve been constipated for a month.
RICKY: Maybe it wasnât the Mossad.
FRED: And maybe the Pals donât miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
RICKY: That line never gets old, Fred.
FRED: Wish I could say the same about Ethel. Hey, listen, I got that Congressman Delahunt coming to your little shindig. And his J Street puppetmasters.
RICKY: Nice work! Weâre going to have quite a humiliation party. Speaking of which, Lucy and Ethel are cooking something up.
FRED: Not Ethelâs eggplant salad.
RICKY: Worse. Cabaret. And Iâve got a little surprise for them. I figure theyâll try to sneak in with the Turkish ambassador. So I told the security boys to pick âem up and interrogate âem. Letâs see if an hour with their heads in a vomit-filled bag improves their behavior.
FRED: Heck, Ethelâs already a vomit-filled bag.
RICKY. Fred. Be nice.
FRED: Easy for you to say. Your wifeâs got all-American looks, red hair and unexpectedly fulsome breasts
RICKY: (indicating the corner of his mouth) FredâŚ
FRED: Huh? OhâŚ(he wipes food from his face) Ethelâs eggplant salad. Hey, a manâs gotta eat.
RICKY: Câmon, itâs almost show time. Call Avigdor, tell him weâre set.
Ricky and Fred leave. Ethel comes out of hiding, furious. Lucy enters.
LUCY: Thought theyâd never leave.
ETHEL: Vomit-filled bag, huh?
LUCY: Whatâs wrong, Ethel.
ETHEL: Nothing a targeted assassination wouldnât cure. By the way, theyâve already figured out your plan.
LUCY: Then weâll just go to Plan B.
SCENE 3
In front of the Ricardo home. The Turkish AMBASSADOR (Ahmet Oguz Celikkol) and his entourage alight from several cars. The usual klan of ultra-nationalist, ultra-orthodox and ultra-nationalist/ultra-orthodox protesters, premature burnouts and Aryeh Eldad scream and spit at them. Security personnel and police from various agencies watch indifferently. Ricky and Fred are sunbathing on recliners.
RICKY: Hey, whatâs this, a Qassam squad?
FRED: Or just car thieves?
AMBASSADOR: Please, Deputy Minister Ricardo, help us.
RICKY: And you are�
AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Celikkol, of course. You know this.
RICKY: From�
FRED: Iran?
RICKY: Hamas? No, wait. From that empire that used to occupy our land. Ottoman.
FRED: The kind you put your feet on.
RICKY: (passing sunscreen to the Ambassador) Here, get my legs. Then go back to our pool. My wife has your place ready.
AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage!
RICKY: (to security) Escort the ambassador and his henchmen to the pool. And question those two.
As the Ambassador and his entourage are hustled away, two women with veiled faces are separated and taken toward a security vehicle. Ricky and Fred cackle.
RICKY: Question them thoroughly!
FRED: Watch out for the fat one! She kicks like a mule!
Ricky and Fred stroll toward the rear of the house. Nearby, two bearded RABBIS stride past other security officers.
OFFICER: Stop. Show me an invitation.
1ST RABBI: We just want to throw these bricks at the Turk.
OFFICER: (waving them in) Stay away from the buffet.
SCENE 4
The Ambassador sits handcuffed in a childâs wading pool, where Fredâs hosing him down. Rickyâs talking to the news cameras.
RICKY: Look how puny he is! Like his backward, anti-semitic country. Yet weâre offering him a cool drink of water.
AMBASSADOR: You must stop!
FRED: Water too Jewish for ya?
Security escorts US. CONGRESSMAN BILL DELAHUNT toward the pool.
RICKY: Ah, Congressman, welcome to the Land of Israel! You see how I welcome you when youâre not with the Israel-haters from J Street?
DELAHUNT: Iâm very puzzled by all this. And, frankly, offended.
RICKY: Offended? You question Israelâs right to exist? (To cameras) Do you hear this incitement to terror?
DELAHUNT: Iâm a United States Congressman, sir.
FRED: Not for long. When the campaign cash rains on your Republican opponent, theyâll Scott Brown your butt right outta Massachusetts.
RICKY: Israelâs legitimacy will not be undermined by the international community. It comes directly from God, channeled through implacable future Prime Ministers like myself. (Climbing up to the diving board of his swimming pool) Witness our power! Behold! I part the waters!! (He gestures down to the pool. Nothing happens.) Behold! (to Fred, sotto voce) Psst â Fred, drain the pool!
FRED: Sorry, Rick. I got caught up with the Turkish bath. Iâll get right on it.
As Fred runs to open the pool drain, the two Rabbis dash in front of the cameras.
1ST RABBI: Mordechai, did you hear the one about the Arab that didnât blame all his problems on Israel?
2ND RABBI: Sure didnât, Meir.
1ST RABBI: Neither did I.
2ND RABBI: Then we might as well enjoy some cabaret.
The Rabbis toss off their disguises and long coats, revealing Lucy and Ethel in their cabaret dresses.
RICKY: Lucy! Whatâre you doing? This is MY show!
Lucy and Ethel sing âWillkommenâ from the musical âCabaret.â These lyrics flow and repeat as the action continues:
Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
Fremder, etranger, stranger
Glcklich zu sehen,
Je suis enchant,
Happy to see you,
Bleibe, reste, stay.
Willkommen! Bienvenue!
Welcome!
FRED: (returning) OK, Rick, the pool's draining.
RICKY: Lucy! Are you crazy?! (He curses to the heavens in Hebrew, then) Lucy, youâve got some explaining to do!
Foreign Minister AVIGDOR LIEBERMAN marches in, leading a line of ambassadors from several nations, tied together. His Star of David, Chai and other Jewish bling cover his powder-blue jogging suit.
LIEBERMAN: Yo, Ricky! I got all they asses, baby. All them goy-ass countries. Yâall wanna disrespect Israel? We gonâ show you what time it is!...Hey, whassup with your bitch?
RICKY: She gets some crazy ideas in that head of hers.
AVIGDOR: But all them cameras on her now! That's wrong, man. I got to do everything myself?
RICKY: Just waiting for the pool to drain so I can finish my Red Sea -
AVIGDOR: I know what you fixin' to do, man! Don't need no explanation. I need action - before all them media leave out. (Climbing up to Ricky) So what you gon' do - get your ho on âA Star is Bornâ or represent for Israel?... Best be makinâ up your mind, dog. Yâall wonât be gettinâ no better shit than this here.
FRED: Go for it, Rick!
RICKY: Youâre right. Itâs our destiny, Avigdor. (To cameras and ambassadors) Heed me, you ambassadors of Jew-hatred! The important thing is that youâre lower and weâre up high and thereâs only one flag, and you see weâre not smiling!
AVIGDOR: Hell no! Ainât no smilinâ!
RICKY: Criticize Israel at your peril!
AVIGDOR: Damn right!
RICKY: Israel will do as it pleases â and you will be silent! We will attack all who unsettle us! Strength lies not in defense but in attack!
AVIGDOR: Word!
RICKY: We are fighting for our very lives -
LUCY: Ricky -
RICKY: - armed only with a slingshot -
LUCY: Ricky!!
RICKY: What?! Canât you see Iâm surging?
LUCY: Can Ethel and I be in your show?
RICKY: Letâs discuss this later, sweetheart.
LUCY: Listen, Moses, I know you too well. Itâs now or never.
RICKY: OK, honey, you win. (As Lucy & Ethel hug in delight) As soon as the Palestinians disarm, renounce refugee return, sign away East Jerusalem and the Jordan Valley and move obediently into their urban reservations linked only by vehicle tunnels deep underground, youâre in the show.
As Lucyâs lips purse in her trademark âIâve-been-punkedâ grimace and she makes her familiar âeeehhhâ sound, the âI Love Lucy the Christian Zionistâ theme song comes up and everyone resumes what they were doing.
Monday, February 22, 2010
JEWS HOOKED ON REVENGE, SAYS BAR MITZVAH BOY
Circus Israel recently attended the bar mitzvah of a spirited 13-year old in Toronto. In the Jewish tradition, this ceremony marks the passage of boy-to-man, as the burgeoning male recites foundational text to his congregation for the first time, then discourses about its meaning. He then assumes responsibility for his own adherence to Jewish law. He can now form binding contracts and get married. This doesnât mean he can actually marry anywhere in North America, or have lawful sexual relations. Or execute a cell phone contract. Or drive a car, own a gun, order a drink, leave school, consent to medical care, vote, buy real estate, play organized sports or stay out late if his parents say no. But thatâs not the point. This is our tradition, it sets us apart, and Chinese kids under ten ruled dynasties. In some cultures, heâd already be a dad. In any case, after this particular, newly-minted Toronto man finished his Torah recitation, he offered the following reflections (captured on a Sony ICD-UX71Digital Voice Recorder â the official digital voice recorder of Circus Israel).
Today, I am a man. OK, first I want to thank my parents, Norman and Ruth, and of course Rabbi Zonenshein-Imeibachdor, and my tutor, Bogie, and really like everybody who came to my Bar Mitzvah. Some of you came from far away and thatâs really nice. I wish Zade and Bubbe Krakpotkin could be here today, too. I didnât know them, but I know their spirit is here with us. And I even want to thank my sister Leah, who helped me so much. Yeah, right. Leah, itâs your turn next year, and payback is gonna be sweet. And thatâs actually the subject of my Dâvar Torah. I know Iâm supposed to talk about the parashah from the service, but I kind of relate to this a little better.
Like, Iâm 13 now, and I was really thinking about what it means to be a Jew in todayâs world. Youâve all really taught me a lot, and weâve been to Israel twice, and Iâm pretty sure Iâve got it figured out. Itâs revenge. I mean, people say a lot of stuff and everything, about the culture and the Torah and Hebrew and all that. But the most important part is revenge. Like my mom says, âAfter what weâve been through, weâre not gonna be the nice one now.â And I think thatâs, like, really true. Itâs like everybody else thinks there should be this big Civil Rights Law for the whole world, and maybe thatâs a good idea, but not till we finish getting even.
I know this isnât the coolest thing to say. You donât just come out and say we want vengeance. But thatâs what we want. You can see it. I mean itâs not just my second-cousin Aaron with the price tag policy in the territories. Uncle Alanâs the brains in the family - no offense to everyone else, but a psychoanalyst in New York, thatâs a no-brainer. I meant that pun. Anyway, heâs always helping these liberal causes and he never raises his voice. Even his head hardly moves. He just studies you, like heâs doing to me now. But when the IDF toasted Gaza, you shouldâve seen him. Like, âCrush âem! Wipe âem out!â And Aunt Rachel, too. The art dealer. Totally pumped. Like hyenas on a carcass, those two! I mean, you never see that at the High Holidays, or anytime really. I was, like, wow, they rock! It was Jewish payback time!
As far as I can tell, we canât get enough revenge. I just saw on TV about that Hamas guy the Mossad killed in Dubai. More revenge, right? What else are we supposed to do with Hamas, talk to âem?
VOICE: Blood libel!!
Itâs Great-Uncle Shlomo! Awesome! For my friends who donât know, Uncle Shlomoâs Mr. Blood Libel. Tell him the sunâs up - blood libel. Thereâs dandruff on your coat â blood libel. You missed the Early Bird Buffet at Dennyâs-
VOICE: Blood libel!
Youâre the best, Uncle Shlomo! And thatâs revenge, too, right? Youâve got to avenge a blood libel. Something that awful, you have to. Even if itâs not really that awful, once you say it is, it is. Then you can do whatever you want. Youâre never wrong. Itâs just retribution.
Man, the Jewish People are like revenge addicts. For the Egyptians and the Romans and the Spaniards and the Germans and the Czar and all the rest of âem. We just take it out on the Arabs. And they canât do anything about it. Sweet. Whoâd wanna give that up?
Uh-oh. My parents are giving me that look. Hey, Iâm a man today. Iâm the man today. Thisâs my revenge for all those boring classes. No, Iâm kidding. It was really fun. The 10 plagues of Egypt. I know âem by heart, in order - blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first-born children. Vengeance, baby. Iâve seen âInglorious Basterdsâ like six times. Next Halloween, Iâm going as my favorite Basterd - Bear Jew. Batter up!
Hey, is this microphone still on? Mom, câmon. The rabbi said I should tell an anecdote to illustrate my pointâŚNo, I promise Iâll talk about the culture. The culture of Jewish revenge!...Fine, I donât need a mike. My voiceâs changing anyway. So⌠thereâs this kid in my lunch period at school and all of a sudden he said, âDude, you got enough food stuck in your braces to make a sandwich,â and everyone laughed. Real funny. So I got this totally stupid ad about erections and I put the kidâs name on it and slipped it in this really tough kidâs locker. I even drew a heart with Cupidâs arrow. It makes me laugh just describing it. So the tough kid punched the other kid in the eye and they both got suspended. It was awesome! This kidâd really embarrassed me and I got him back like twenty times over. It felt great! And nobody could prove I did it. I mean, everybody kind of knew, but I just like kept it ambiguous.
So, on this day of my bar mitzvah, I conclude that payback is great. I really want to do it again. I hope somebody else messes with me, and I hope I donât have to wait a long time. It really gets you organized. And if the world really wants to understand the Jewish People, it better understand thatâs how we roll.
Okay, letâs get this party started! Thereâs breast of chicken and an awesome DJ. Mazel tov!
Circus Israel recently attended the bar mitzvah of a spirited 13-year old in Toronto. In the Jewish tradition, this ceremony marks the passage of boy-to-man, as the burgeoning male recites foundational text to his congregation for the first time, then discourses about its meaning. He then assumes responsibility for his own adherence to Jewish law. He can now form binding contracts and get married. This doesnât mean he can actually marry anywhere in North America, or have lawful sexual relations. Or execute a cell phone contract. Or drive a car, own a gun, order a drink, leave school, consent to medical care, vote, buy real estate, play organized sports or stay out late if his parents say no. But thatâs not the point. This is our tradition, it sets us apart, and Chinese kids under ten ruled dynasties. In some cultures, heâd already be a dad. In any case, after this particular, newly-minted Toronto man finished his Torah recitation, he offered the following reflections (captured on a Sony ICD-UX71Digital Voice Recorder â the official digital voice recorder of Circus Israel).
Today, I am a man. OK, first I want to thank my parents, Norman and Ruth, and of course Rabbi Zonenshein-Imeibachdor, and my tutor, Bogie, and really like everybody who came to my Bar Mitzvah. Some of you came from far away and thatâs really nice. I wish Zade and Bubbe Krakpotkin could be here today, too. I didnât know them, but I know their spirit is here with us. And I even want to thank my sister Leah, who helped me so much. Yeah, right. Leah, itâs your turn next year, and payback is gonna be sweet. And thatâs actually the subject of my Dâvar Torah. I know Iâm supposed to talk about the parashah from the service, but I kind of relate to this a little better.
Like, Iâm 13 now, and I was really thinking about what it means to be a Jew in todayâs world. Youâve all really taught me a lot, and weâve been to Israel twice, and Iâm pretty sure Iâve got it figured out. Itâs revenge. I mean, people say a lot of stuff and everything, about the culture and the Torah and Hebrew and all that. But the most important part is revenge. Like my mom says, âAfter what weâve been through, weâre not gonna be the nice one now.â And I think thatâs, like, really true. Itâs like everybody else thinks there should be this big Civil Rights Law for the whole world, and maybe thatâs a good idea, but not till we finish getting even.
I know this isnât the coolest thing to say. You donât just come out and say we want vengeance. But thatâs what we want. You can see it. I mean itâs not just my second-cousin Aaron with the price tag policy in the territories. Uncle Alanâs the brains in the family - no offense to everyone else, but a psychoanalyst in New York, thatâs a no-brainer. I meant that pun. Anyway, heâs always helping these liberal causes and he never raises his voice. Even his head hardly moves. He just studies you, like heâs doing to me now. But when the IDF toasted Gaza, you shouldâve seen him. Like, âCrush âem! Wipe âem out!â And Aunt Rachel, too. The art dealer. Totally pumped. Like hyenas on a carcass, those two! I mean, you never see that at the High Holidays, or anytime really. I was, like, wow, they rock! It was Jewish payback time!
As far as I can tell, we canât get enough revenge. I just saw on TV about that Hamas guy the Mossad killed in Dubai. More revenge, right? What else are we supposed to do with Hamas, talk to âem?
VOICE: Blood libel!!
Itâs Great-Uncle Shlomo! Awesome! For my friends who donât know, Uncle Shlomoâs Mr. Blood Libel. Tell him the sunâs up - blood libel. Thereâs dandruff on your coat â blood libel. You missed the Early Bird Buffet at Dennyâs-
VOICE: Blood libel!
Youâre the best, Uncle Shlomo! And thatâs revenge, too, right? Youâve got to avenge a blood libel. Something that awful, you have to. Even if itâs not really that awful, once you say it is, it is. Then you can do whatever you want. Youâre never wrong. Itâs just retribution.
Man, the Jewish People are like revenge addicts. For the Egyptians and the Romans and the Spaniards and the Germans and the Czar and all the rest of âem. We just take it out on the Arabs. And they canât do anything about it. Sweet. Whoâd wanna give that up?
Uh-oh. My parents are giving me that look. Hey, Iâm a man today. Iâm the man today. Thisâs my revenge for all those boring classes. No, Iâm kidding. It was really fun. The 10 plagues of Egypt. I know âem by heart, in order - blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first-born children. Vengeance, baby. Iâve seen âInglorious Basterdsâ like six times. Next Halloween, Iâm going as my favorite Basterd - Bear Jew. Batter up!
Hey, is this microphone still on? Mom, câmon. The rabbi said I should tell an anecdote to illustrate my pointâŚNo, I promise Iâll talk about the culture. The culture of Jewish revenge!...Fine, I donât need a mike. My voiceâs changing anyway. So⌠thereâs this kid in my lunch period at school and all of a sudden he said, âDude, you got enough food stuck in your braces to make a sandwich,â and everyone laughed. Real funny. So I got this totally stupid ad about erections and I put the kidâs name on it and slipped it in this really tough kidâs locker. I even drew a heart with Cupidâs arrow. It makes me laugh just describing it. So the tough kid punched the other kid in the eye and they both got suspended. It was awesome! This kidâd really embarrassed me and I got him back like twenty times over. It felt great! And nobody could prove I did it. I mean, everybody kind of knew, but I just like kept it ambiguous.
So, on this day of my bar mitzvah, I conclude that payback is great. I really want to do it again. I hope somebody else messes with me, and I hope I donât have to wait a long time. It really gets you organized. And if the world really wants to understand the Jewish People, it better understand thatâs how we roll.
Okay, letâs get this party started! Thereâs breast of chicken and an awesome DJ. Mazel tov!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
ISRAELâS MAN OF THE DECADE â UDAY HUSSEIN
Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late â certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharonâs bowel noises. But itâs great to be late when you get it straight â and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???
What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israelâs ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?
Not convinced Udayâs the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - whatâs Israelâs message to the world? Youâre either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israelâs a big olâ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didnât like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israelâs Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Udayâs. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.
âI really admired that rascal,â said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. âHow many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.â
Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, âUday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.â
Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.
President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committeeâs Choice. âListen, Iâm being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I canât always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine â his personal Shoah â but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.â
And finally, donât forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So donât tell us that Udayâs youâll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesnât remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israelâs Man of the Decade â Uday Saddam Hussein!!
Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late â certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharonâs bowel noises. But itâs great to be late when you get it straight â and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???
What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israelâs ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?
Not convinced Udayâs the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - whatâs Israelâs message to the world? Youâre either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israelâs a big olâ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didnât like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israelâs Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Udayâs. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.
âI really admired that rascal,â said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. âHow many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.â
Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, âUday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.â
Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.
President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committeeâs Choice. âListen, Iâm being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I canât always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine â his personal Shoah â but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.â
And finally, donât forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So donât tell us that Udayâs youâll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesnât remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israelâs Man of the Decade â Uday Saddam Hussein!!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
THE REAL IMPACT OF BOYCOTTING ISRAEL
Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, thereâs concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin âFuadâ Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (âAn Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitchâ). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezerâs office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.
âŚNext analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.
CUT DIAMONDS
The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israelâs leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girlâs best friend â and, of course, theyâre forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN âblood diamondâ accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency werenât worthless, our mercenaries wouldnât have to require diamonds as payment.)
MILITARY EQUIPMENT
The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-oneâat-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (âUziâs Clubâ) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons donât respect borders. They define them.
HUMAN TRAFFIC
Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committeeâs favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.
MERCENARIES & ANTI-TERRORISM CONSULTANTS
We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.
PHARMACEUTICALS
Tevaâs status as the worldâs largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for âPalestinian-madeâ goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper â our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.
ILLEGAL DRUGS
Israelâs leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people wonât sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.
CITRUS FRUITS
Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious â a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.
SOFTWARE & INTEGRATED CIRCUITS
The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers wonât be lost to our Arab enemies. Itâs common knowledge that Arabs canât produce, or even use, technology.
Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, thereâs concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin âFuadâ Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (âAn Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitchâ). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezerâs office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.
âŚNext analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.
CUT DIAMONDS
The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israelâs leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girlâs best friend â and, of course, theyâre forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN âblood diamondâ accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency werenât worthless, our mercenaries wouldnât have to require diamonds as payment.)
MILITARY EQUIPMENT
The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-oneâat-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (âUziâs Clubâ) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons donât respect borders. They define them.
HUMAN TRAFFIC
Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committeeâs favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.
MERCENARIES & ANTI-TERRORISM CONSULTANTS
We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.
PHARMACEUTICALS
Tevaâs status as the worldâs largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for âPalestinian-madeâ goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper â our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.
ILLEGAL DRUGS
Israelâs leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people wonât sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.
CITRUS FRUITS
Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious â a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.
SOFTWARE & INTEGRATED CIRCUITS
The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers wonât be lost to our Arab enemies. Itâs common knowledge that Arabs canât produce, or even use, technology.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
THE GILAD SHALIT QUIZ
Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel â the ones with âFree Giladâ t-shirts and posters and websites â would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didnât, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalitâs.
1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed âno-goâ zone on the Palestinian side of the border.
2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for âmembership in an illegal organizationâ (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.
3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their childâs tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?
4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that heâs denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?
5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.
6) Israel hasnât agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) heâs consuming much of Gazaâs meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.
7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalitâs 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunuâs 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.
8) After heâs released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before theyâre captured (the âHannibal Procedureâ); d) all of the above.
9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no âb.â
10) True or false: after Gilad Shalitâs release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.
Bonus question for ardent Giladniks â do you think his family might be tired of your shit?
Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel â the ones with âFree Giladâ t-shirts and posters and websites â would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didnât, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalitâs.
1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed âno-goâ zone on the Palestinian side of the border.
2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for âmembership in an illegal organizationâ (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.
3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their childâs tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?
4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that heâs denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?
5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.
6) Israel hasnât agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) heâs consuming much of Gazaâs meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.
7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalitâs 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunuâs 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.
8) After heâs released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before theyâre captured (the âHannibal Procedureâ); d) all of the above.
9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no âb.â
10) True or false: after Gilad Shalitâs release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.
Bonus question for ardent Giladniks â do you think his family might be tired of your shit?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
NOW EVERYBODY POOPS IN HEBREW
Japanese author Taro Gomiâs beloved childrenâs book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomiâs charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore lifeâs elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a âhandful of revisionsâ were made to Gomiâs work, to remove the ânew anti-semitismâ implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.
Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.
Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.
Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.
Arabs poop.
On other peopleâs land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians wonât poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.
Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israelâs military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Hereâs a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.
Europeans poop.
Itâs all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.
Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israelâs poop.
Japanese author Taro Gomiâs beloved childrenâs book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomiâs charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore lifeâs elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a âhandful of revisionsâ were made to Gomiâs work, to remove the ânew anti-semitismâ implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.
Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.
Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.
Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.
Arabs poop.
On other peopleâs land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians wonât poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.
Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israelâs military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Hereâs a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.
Europeans poop.
Itâs all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.
Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israelâs poop.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
ISRAELâS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, itâs just more of the diplomatic â69â the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock â but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldnât it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israelâs passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?
From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 â MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has âenormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.â He has also âset up an enormous real estate projectâŚincluding 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.â
From Reuters, March 20, 2008 â The US government has penalized the âBM Group, Cubaâs largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.â The BM Group is also described as âCubaâs biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havanaâs main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].â The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.
These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But theyâre buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan â he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)
Letâs face it, Israel, youâre going through the motions on this American embargo. Youâre faking it. Youâre two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?
Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, itâs just more of the diplomatic â69â the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock â but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldnât it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israelâs passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?
From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 â MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has âenormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.â He has also âset up an enormous real estate projectâŚincluding 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.â
From Reuters, March 20, 2008 â The US government has penalized the âBM Group, Cubaâs largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.â The BM Group is also described as âCubaâs biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havanaâs main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].â The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.
These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But theyâre buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan â he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)
Letâs face it, Israel, youâre going through the motions on this American embargo. Youâre faking it. Youâre two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
ASK THE RABBI
Circus Israelâs spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kookâs website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.
Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, Iâm being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I canât be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.
Avram, from Itamar.
Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obamaâs America. I canât resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Alâs King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL â of course you didnât pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at www.goatbusters.org.il. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi. Iâm 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, wonât G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?
Eliana from Betar Illit.
Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be âmodernâ - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.
Dear Rabbi â Iâm a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. Iâm a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win â man, it isnât even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though Iâm from a small country thatâs dependent on the US.
Luis âThe Plagueâ Herrera from San Juan.
Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isnât trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome â and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and canât be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. Weâd barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldnât wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,
Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.
Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary mustâve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. âGoebbelstone.â (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased âinvestigationâ from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how weâve redefined Jimmy Carter â an American President!! â as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.
Circus Israelâs spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kookâs website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.
Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, Iâm being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I canât be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.
Avram, from Itamar.
Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obamaâs America. I canât resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Alâs King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL â of course you didnât pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at www.goatbusters.org.il. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi. Iâm 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, wonât G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?
Eliana from Betar Illit.
Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be âmodernâ - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.
Dear Rabbi â Iâm a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. Iâm a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win â man, it isnât even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though Iâm from a small country thatâs dependent on the US.
Luis âThe Plagueâ Herrera from San Juan.
Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isnât trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome â and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and canât be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. Weâd barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldnât wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,
Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.
Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary mustâve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. âGoebbelstone.â (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased âinvestigationâ from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how weâve redefined Jimmy Carter â an American President!! â as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
ISRAEL TO DEFEND COPYRIGHT ON BULLSHIT NEGOTIATIONS
PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israelâs leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish Stateâs ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israelâs demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the â5+1 Groupâ and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israelâs cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iranâs flagrant infringement of Israelâs internationally recognized copyright. âWe wrote the book on âTalk & Take,ââ said Israelâs insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. âWe put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. Thisâs our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.â
Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated âTalk & Takeâ program. âThat provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?â asked Moshe âBoogieâ Yaâalon, Israelâs other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. âWhen I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Waitâll our lawyers get done with him.â
In fact, Israelâs lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israelâs West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICCâs jurisdiction in 2002. âSo what?â snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. âNow we want something.â
âBut let's be clear that these allegations canât be turned against us,â cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. âWhen you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.â
Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. âNo Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,â Morris said. âBen-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would â wait, is he dead yet or what?â
PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israelâs leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish Stateâs ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israelâs demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the â5+1 Groupâ and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israelâs cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iranâs flagrant infringement of Israelâs internationally recognized copyright. âWe wrote the book on âTalk & Take,ââ said Israelâs insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. âWe put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. Thisâs our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.â
Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated âTalk & Takeâ program. âThat provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?â asked Moshe âBoogieâ Yaâalon, Israelâs other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. âWhen I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Waitâll our lawyers get done with him.â
In fact, Israelâs lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israelâs West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICCâs jurisdiction in 2002. âSo what?â snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. âNow we want something.â
âBut let's be clear that these allegations canât be turned against us,â cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. âWhen you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.â
Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. âNo Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,â Morris said. âBen-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would â wait, is he dead yet or what?â
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