Monday, March 27, 2017

Master Healer

So much has happened in the past year since I last posted, but today is not the day to try to update.  I am just posting my talk that I gave in our new ward (in Layton, Utah) yesterday after being asked by a couple people for a copy of it.  Hope if anyone reads it, it will be some help to them.


                                                  Master Healer
Elder David A. Bednar has taught, “Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities. Most of us know that when we do things wrong and need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. But do we also understand that the Atonement is for faithful men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully? I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.  It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us.”

It is that healing power that I would like to speak about today.  The last four years have taught me much about the Atonement’s ability to heal those who are broken, down trodden, burdened with cares not created by sin but by life, other people’s choices, mortality and circumstances beyond our control. It has been through battles with depression and debilitating darkness and overwhelming life circumstances that I have come to understand the Atonement with greater depth and have come to know my Savior’s mercy, grace and compassion more intimately. As I have studied the scriptures lately, I have seen some commonly known stories and figures from the scriptures in a new light that helped me to better understand the healing power of the Atonement.  For Christ is truly our Master Healer.

We are all familiar with the account of Mar Magdalene from the New Testament.  Somehow in all the tellings of Mary, I missed some very important information.  She had been healed by Christ early in His ministry- healed not of sin, but of evil spirits and infirmities. Christ healed her and she followed Him. She stood by Him through the trials and suffering He endured. She loved him and knew that it was only through Him that she had been healed.  He loved her despite the infirmities that she had.  He had compassion on her.  It was she, an imperfect and flawed individual to whom He first appeared after His resurrection. It wasn’t to Peter the Prophet or to any of the Apostles that He first appeared, but to Mary Magdalene, a woman who had suffered through seven evil spirits who took over her body and by other infirmities that rendered her incapable of becoming who she wanted to be, until, in His infinite mercy, she was healed.  In gratitude she followed Him and did all she could to alleviate His own sufferings.  In tears she wept for her Savior who had died and whose body went missing- at His words of comfort that he yet lived, she wept all the more now with tears of joy and hope.
How many of us are like Mary? Suffering from infirmities of the body, mind or spirit- burdened with a heavy load?  Wanting to be more than we are and feeling as if there is no hope of getting better.  Because of Christ’s ultimate sacrifice we do not have to bare our burdens alone.  As He hung on the cross, others mocked Him saying, “He saved others; himself he cannot save.”  The truth is, He could have saved Himself, but to do so would have meant death for the rest of us.  He bore a burden so heavy it is unimaginable- one that could not be eased or lifted or lightened- one He had to bear the full weight of so that each day, everyone of us may have our own burdens lifted and our own hearts healed.

Sister Carole M. Stephens has said she “often meet Latter-day Saint women who are desperate for help, yet they do not turn to the One who can provide everlasting help. Too often they seek for understanding by searching “the great and spacious building…. How can we see peace and understanding and strive to endure joyfully in our unique mortal journeys?” She suggests that “we begin, as Nephi says, “with unshaken faith in [Christ], relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.” Our faith in Jesus Christ enables us to meet any challenge. He knows us.  He meets us where we are. Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior. Hope and healing are not found in the dark abyss of secrecy but in the light and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  The master healer can comfort and sustain us as we experience painful realities of mortality such as disaster, mental illness, disease, chronic pain and death.  We may not be healed completely when we desire but we can receive the light of hope in a time of intense darkness.  When the darkness feels unremitting, we can rely on the memory of Christ’s tender mercies.  They serve as a guiding light as we navigate through hard times.

The scriptures also tell of many healings that Jesus performed during His short earthly ministry.  Christ healed so many people hurting, aching, and burdened by no fault of their own.  He healed the deaf, sick of palsy, raised the dead, and gave sight to the blind.  What I found interesting is the numerous times that the blind were healed. The Bible Dictionary teaches us that, “In addition to the healing of physical blindness, the mission of Jesus included curing blindness to the things of the spirit. There is evidence that some of the Jews thought blindness was always the result of sin, but Jesus made it clear that physical impairment may be due to other causes and is not necessarily due to sin.” Of the many accounts of His healing the blind, we find that He did not perform each healing in the same manner. To some He said, “Go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole.” To others who asked to be healed, He simply touched their eyes and they were made whole.  For one, Christ made clay to place on the man’s eyes and told him to go and wash-which he did, bringing about a complete healing.  For yet another, Christ spit upon his eyes but the healing was incomplete- he could see some light and figures but not clearly- Christ but His hands upon the man’s eyes and told him to look up and finally the man was healed and saw clearly.  There is a life lesson here- for complete healing, look up!

Why did He heal the same infirmity in so many differing ways?  Why were some of the healings immediate and some took long and more effort?  Healing is done one by one.  Healing is unique.  Healings come in the Lord’s timing and healings come in the way Christ sees is most beneficial for us.  Christ healed several blind men (and aren’t we all blind at times and in need of healing?) and just as He healed them each differently, we too can be healed and it may take a blessing, medication, counseling, physical therapy, time or the resurrection- just as some of the blind were healed by His words, others by clay, but all by faith.  We each can be healed through Christ’s Atonement, but each healing with be individual and given in the specific way we need it.  Matthew 12:25 tells us the “he healed them all” and He will heal us all through the Atonement, if we let Him.  Sometimes healing is delayed in this life so that we may learn, we may teach others, we may grow, we may come to know the Lords, we may be more blessed by the weakness than we could have been without it, and often, it is for us to become an instrument in God’s hand.  Elder Evan A. Schmutz said of Paul the Apostle, “In an intimate and reflective passage, Paul tells us of an unnamed “thorn” in his flesh, which caused him great pain and brought him three times to his knees, begging the Lord to take it from him. In answer to Paul’s prayers, the Lord did not remove the thorn but did speak peace and give understanding to his heart, saying, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” With new understanding, Paul was able to accept and be grateful for the thorn he was given. He said, “Most gladly therefore will I … glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

We also see with Ammon and his fellow missionaries that not all infirmities and burdens will be removed from us because there is greater purpose in the suffering.  They were cast out, mocked, spit upon, smote, stoned, bound with strong cords, cast into prison and they suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps they could be the means of saving some soul- of being an instrument in God’s hand. “When [they] were depressed and about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted [them] and said, Bear with patience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success.”  In Doctrine and Covenants we read, “For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels round about to bear you up.”

I am grateful for the angels, both earthly and heavenly, that have been there to bear me up when I was too weak to stand on my own.  I am grateful for the partial healings that have come and yet complete healing hasn’t come in this life- and in some ways I am grateful for the continued trial that I face and may face the rest of my earthly life.  For through the trials and challenges and dark days of depression I have gained much- a lot of weight, but more importantly, compassion for those who suffer in silence, a new understanding of the Atonement, an awareness that we all are struggling, understanding that we need to help bear one another’s burdens, learning we do not need to suffer alone, and I have come to know my Savior as my friend, my strength, and my one true source of healing.  Whether I will be fully healed in this life or the next, I know that Christ is by my side to ease the burden and help me to grow and learn through this challenge of mortality and maybe my own suffering will one day help me be an instrument in God’s hand.

One last example from the scriptures that I want to share with you is of Mary and her sister, Martha.  They were good friends with Jesus.  They spend time together and served one another.  One day, Mary and Martha’s brother, Lazarus, died.  They mourned.  Bruce R McConkie indicated that the Savior “tested the faith of Mary and Martha to the utmost when Lazarus died.”  When Christ finally arrived four days after Lazarus’s death, He had compassion on His friends and wept with them.  S. Michael Wilcox said, “He wept for Martha and Mary and for all who suffer or cry out in anguish, ‘Lord if thou hadst been here!’ He wept for all who long for the Lord to heal their sorrows, to wipe away their tears, to reward their faith in Him…He wept for all the innocent, trusting, faithful saints who would always say, no matter what happened, ‘I believe that thou art the Christ, the son of God, which should come into the world.’ The Savior knows that in time He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, but as in the case of Mary and Martha, that time may not come as quickly as desired.” In Revelation we read, “and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away.”

Brother Wilcox walked about his time as a bishop where he saw many tears and could do nothing but listen and hand them a tissue.  They wiped away the tears he could see but often their souls were still weeping.  Though he could not always wipe away the tears there is One who can.  What Jesus did for Mary at the tomb at His resurrection, He will one day do for all.  He is the beginning of Happiness.  There is such sweetness in the words, God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes- God will not just hand us a tissue, but He will wipe away the tears- an act of love and intimacy. “It is a gesture of Love and tenderness, a gesture of the Savior Himself.  There is an end to suffering.  Jesus is that end.  There is a beginning to joy. Christ is that beginning.”

For all who suffer, and that is each one of us here today, there is One who can heal both body and soul.  He is the Master Healer and it is through the Great and Eternal Atonement we can begin to find the healing we each so deeply desire.  I know this to be true. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.


Sunday, January 24, 2016

friday afternoon we received another offer for our place! this one was MUCH better than the first offer.  feeling good about the bank accepting this offer. it will get turned in tomorrow and then it is in the bank's hands.  i will update as things unfold.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

the Lord is in charge

so much has happened the last few weeks!

after a wrestle with the Lord on knowing FOR SURE that we were to sell our home, we received a definite answer that yes we were and to do it now. A few days later, our place was listed to sale.  That was 2 weeks ago. Last night we got an offer!! so crazy. there are a few condos for sale in our same complex that have been listed for sale for six months or more, but here we are a with an offer in 2 weeks- tender mercies!!! now we wait for the bank to see if they will accept it.  we still don't know for sure where the Lord wants us to go but we trust He will let us know. 

Saturday, December 19, 2015

God DOES hear us & He answers

i am struggling to keep my emotions in check at the moment.  but i know i need write down some things that have happened lately, have strengthen my testimony & reminded me that God does hear me and He knows me.  this will probably be scatterbrained and not make sense to anyone else but me. however i need to journal this and typing is easier than finding my journal and a pen at the moment.

the last several weeks have been challenging, mostly emotionally.  this time of year is often hard for me-living away from family, not having lots of extra money to do all the fun things one can do here during the holidays, the yearly inner battle that rages about how much to do with, or get for, my kids (they are really good kids and deserve the best, but i don't want Christmas to mean presents and stuff, but it is hard to see all their friends getting boat loads of really expensive toys and clothes, but i want our celebration to be focused on Christ and i don't want them to ever expect to get everything they want and ask for- i want them to learn to bee content with the simple things in life and to happy with what they do get not sad or anger about all they didn't get, but i also want them to have things that make them happy - see it is a constant battle for me.)  anyway, it's been a rough few weeks.  i have struggled and struggled and really struggled.  i have wanted to give up and just hide from the world.  it has been hard to get out of bed each day when all i want is to pull the blankets over my head and sleep for weeks on end. BUT my loving Heavenly Father has been sending me help and pulling me along.  i can't even begin to tell you all that He has done for me just in the last couple of weeks. let me tell you about 5 experinces that have reminded me that God lives. He loves me. He is very aware of what is happening in my life, even my unvoiced fears and prayers, He knows those and helps me with them.  there are angels that walk among us. today one of them named, Kami, saved me at the very moment i was ready to lose the last bit of sanity i have left-more on that in a moment.  just know that if God loves me and cares about me, than He FOR SURE cares and loves YOU!

1-a couple weeks ago, i was having a very dark day.  nothing bad was happening but emotionally i was a hot mess. i felt worthless, unlovable, unloving, alone- so alone.  i was sitting on the couch with all these negative thoughts swarming around me and through me.  i felt myself sliding down into a dark, empty place.  i had the thought, if only nate could have come home for lunch today, i could make it through the day but he had to go to overton and wouldn't be home until dinner time. just at that moment when the darkness was about to take over, in walked nate.  he saved me that afternoon just by walking in the door.  he spent about an hour with me, talking, eating, and bringing light to my darkened mind.  i asked him about overton, he said he decided to go that morning instead- i know this was a prompting he received so that he could be home when i needed him the most. 

2-a week ago nate and i went to the temple. i was happy to be there but struggling with this loneliness that has been eating away at me.  i just want to know if God was listening, if He was still there. we got there early and had time to sit and wait a while.  i was reading my scriptures and thought, if they would just ask us to be the witness couple then i would know i am not alone that someone is truly listening and aware of me. it was a very large group of people there that morning- in fact, they had too many people and had to split into to groups.  i figured there was no way we were going to be asked to be the witness couple so i went back to reading.  a short time later we were asked to be the witness couple!  the second the elderly gentleman asked us, i had a feeling of love and warmth pass through me- i wasn't alone and God was aware of me, even in that big room with all those people.

3-we have been thinking about and praying about moving for a quite a while now.  always the answer has been stay in las vegas. stay in your condo.  this has been frustrating but i finally accepted it and we have been living with that as the plan.  our neighborhood has been going down hill the last couple of years, but the last few months have gotten so much worse. still the answer has been stay here.  there was something we needed to do here i guess, just not sure what.  well, last week we had another drive by shooting next door to us!!! it happened about 3:30am  when i heard the shots, i didn't freak out- blessing #2 (#1 being we didn't get shot!) but then i heard, clear as day a voice say "it's okay to go now" -instantly i had a sense of peace come over me and I knew the Lord was saying we have done what we needed here and it is okay for us to move on. Where to? He didn't say, but we are working on it.

4-i felt impressed to talk to a lady about short selling options (we are still upside down on our place) only to find out that she is an expert on this and she has already starting looking into our situation and what she can do to help us.  2 days later, i was talking to a lady who works at my kids school about something (nothing to do with short selling or moving) and she started telling me about her experience with moving and living in one of places we are considering moving too.  She said many things that i needed to hear.  Her words and thoughts comforted my soul and took away so many questions and concerns i had.  i felt peace in my soul as she spoke.  i know she was prompted to say those things to me- they were answers to my prayers from that very morning!

5-just a bit ago, i went to go get the mail.  it had been a very long, challenging day. i was worn out, stressed out, depressed and at the end of my rope.  nate had just gotten home from his shift at the temple.  i took advantage and went for a walk to get the mail and to try to find a few moments of sanity.  i opened the mail box to find a card from a dear friend named Kami. i figured it was their Christmas card so i opened it and started reading as i decided to take the long way back home.  it wasn't her family Christmas card, it was a sweet letter that brought me to tears.  it was truly a tender mercy.  she wrote of things that encouraged me, reminded me of what i can be, and made the darkness and  loneliness vanish.  She is an Angel.  She was prompted to write and mail that because my Father in Heaven knew what would happen today and knew what i would need and knew He could trust her with this task.  i will forever be in her debt for living worthy to receive that prompting and for being amazing enough with her busy life to take time to write to me and remind me i am loved. so grateful for her!

Saturday, September 05, 2015

Happy

I was just washing some dishes that didn't get finished last night and sneezing from allergies when the thought, " I feel happy" popped in my head. I paused and realized that, yes, i do feel happy!

It has been so long since i felt this way. I am savoring it and pondering on it. Why would i feel so happy right now? 

It's been a crazy two weeks, filled with lots of emotions and tears, being busy and lots of changes. I would think that with everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks (school starting, audrey being gone all day, ward boundary changes, frustrations with my calling and a person i serve with, air conditioner breaking down when it was 107° outside which took 2 different companies and a few hundred dollars to get working, a four hundred dollars in unexpected medical and dental things, my knee not doing well and making it very difficult to reach my goals for my fitness, etc, etc, etc) i would be a mess and even farther from happiness then i was before. 
 
But, here is the thing, i have made some changes in my life and they are working!!! I feel happier, i feel lighter, and more in control of my thoughts and emotions. Here is what i have learned (really, re-learned) recently:

1-Sleep is SO SO SO SO important! I have started taking meds to help me sleep and it makes such a difference in EVERYTHING!

2- exercise is good and if i can't run, its not the end of the world, walking will have to do.

3-scripture study early in the morning is the best therapy there is. In the quiet hour before kids get up, i talk to my Father in Heaven, and He has begun to talk back through the scriptures, promptings of the spirit, and words of modern day prophets and apostles.

4- good music is key. We have started listening to the mormon music channel in the mornings while we get ready for school and life goes smoother when we do.

5-cutting back on sugary treats has been good in many ways. We haven't given them up and  never will, but we are eating healthier and reducing the amount of processed, sugary things in our home.

6-writing in a journal, it's good therapy

7-being more grateful and more aware of God's and in my daily life.

8-early to bed and early to rise, just do it!

9- learning to accept who i am and being ok with being the real, true me. No more trying to be what others are.

10- asking for help when i need it,  not trying to do it all alone.

So those are my thoughts at the moment. I feel happy and i am going to keep working so that i can make this the new normal for me. The peace and contentment i feel at this moment are priceless. Thanks be to my Father and my Savior for their patience with me, love for me and comfort they readily give me!!!

Sunday, April 05, 2015

Easter

Each Easter for the last few years, we have made some special Easter cookies. You make then the night before Easter and leave then in the oven overnight. In the morning the are ready and hollow inside.

The making of the cookies is very symbolic (vinegar- offered to Christ on the cross, salt- his salty tears shed for us, sugar- the sweet part of the story is Christ did this all because he loved us, eggs -new life, broken pecans- the beating Christ suffered before the cross.)

so, this morning as we "unsealed" the oven tomb, we asked Audrey what the women found when they went to the tomb on the 3rd day after Christ's death. She said "just Jesus's clothes." we opened the oven and pulled out the cookies. We broke one open to show it was hollow. Audrey was amazed. As we sat eating cookies, Audrey yells out, "Ahhhhhh!!!! We are eating his clothes!!!"

Sunday, February 22, 2015

well, life is never quite what you expect is it?

today i was called to serve as the young women's secretary

i was a bit shocked by the call, but not totally

a week & a half ago, after much personal struggle & internal debate, i met with our Bishop to ask for help 

i have been struggling for the last few months

feeling completely overwhelmed with all that i was needing to do

i felt something had to give in my life or i was going to go that dark and dreary place inside myself

i didn't go into the appointment asking or even hoping to be released from my calling

i went in with the hope of some great council on how to better prioritize my life or maybe a new coping tool

after a long talk and answering some questions, Bishop felt like it was time to release me from my calling

when he said that i instantly felt a burden lifted off my shoulders, it was truly a physical reaction

we talked some more

he helped me understand some things i can do to help myself and my emotional instability

we talked about what would be a good calling for me to have next

i left feeling lighter and more at peace than i had for while

it was a busy week and a half

when i received a text this morning that the bishop wanted to see me before church, i knew it meant i was going to be officially released and that i might be getting a new calling as well

honestly, i thought it would be teaching primary or something that was just a simple sunday only calling

young women's had crossed my mind, but surely he wouldn't call me to the young women, that wouldn't make a lot of sense, right?

i was dreading teaching primary to be honest.  when he told me that the new yw president felt i was suppose to be the secretary i was a little taken aback but as we talked and discussed what this would entail, i felt a peace come over me.  this was where the Lord wanted me for now.  it will be a different experience for me, but i look forward to getting to know these girls. mara will be coming to young women's in just a few short months.  hopefully she will think that it is fun to have me as one of her leaders.

i had to teach relief society one last time today, so i did not get to go to young women's today, but i was able to sneak in the last minute of their class and sit in the back.  i was there only 1 or 2 minutes, but while sitting there, i felt this wave of love wash over me.  i instantly felt a deep love for these girls. i felt how much God loves them.  it was a wonderful reaffirming sign that this is where the Lord wants me to serve for now. i trust He will make me capable and strong enough to be who these girls need. while being set apart i was blessed to have the time and energy to fulfill this calling.  those words were of great comfort and peace to me.

so now i go from worrying about 130 women each week to focusing on about 15 girls each day

grateful for the gospel

grateful for inspiration, revelation, God's personal plan for my life, and the Atonement

wyatt's seizure

a few weeks ago we had a most disturbing experience with wyatt.

he passed out and had a seizure.

i have been meaning to document all that happened, but that means going through the emotions that surrounded that entire week and i just haven't had the time or energy to deal with it all (last night something happened that gave me hope of more time and energy- i will talk about that in another post)

let's start back a few days before wyatt's seizure

my mom had decided to drive to california to visit her parents, stopping here on her way down and back.

i decided i was ready to have a break, to runaway, for a few days. so my mom said i could drive back to utah with her and then use my sister's buddy pass to fly home.  it seemed perfect!

free trip, my mom didn't have to drive home by herself, perfectly timed after our long and challenging trip to texas, several of my friends i never get to see were going to be home and i had visits set up with them.

the problem was (besides that i was running away from my problems not facing them) that i kept feeling uneasy about going.  i didn't let that stop me though, i was determined to go (i had been trying to go on a me-only trip for 9 months and every time i planned it something happened.)  so, i set up everything and was getting ready to leave out of town.  friday morning i still felt uncomfortable about going, i prayed and asked the Lord to let me know if i should go or not.

i then went about cleaning and finishing up stuff so i could leave, but as the morning went on, i began to have such a strong, overwhelming feeling that i should NOT go on this trip.  I tried to ignore it. then i got mad. mad that i was having a panic attack about going out of town. mad that i was loosing control of my emotions and that my anxiety and depression were ruining my plans.  i was sure that it was just a dumb panic attack and maybe it was time to start anti-anxiety meds.  it got so bad that i couldn't breathe, my chest hurt and i just felt so panicky.  i text my mom and said i couldn't go with her and instantly my anxiety went away and a peace came over me.  then i got nervous that it meant my mom was going to get in a bad accident or die or something on the way home and that was why i wasn't suppose to go.  i was frustrated with myself for not being able to be able to do the things i want to (blaming all of it on my depression and anxiety.) so my mom left without me. i was bummed and contemplating calling the doctor to start anti-anxiety meds. the rest of the weekend passed  normally and my mom, thankfully, made it home safe and sound.

monday after school wyatt mentioned he noticed he had a scab on his bum cheek and it kind of hurt.  he had know idea how it go there.  i didn't think much about it until later that night when he mentioned it again.  i jokingly said maybe it's a boil.  mara asked what a boil was, so nate looked it up and started reading to us all about boils. we were gagging and begging him to stop.  when he finally finished educating us on boils and all their grossness, i took a look at wyatt's scab.  it was a bit weird and a little red.  we cleaned it up and put some cream and band-aid on it.  I told nate it looked like it might be getting infected.  before i could say or do anything else, wyatt passed out, falling flat on his face on top of mara's backpack. the second he hit the ground he started convulsing.  i realized he was having a seizure. nate grabbed him, turned him over and held his head. i grabbed the phone and called 911. nate said we could get him to the hospital faster than waiting for an ambulance, i hung up. wyatt stopped seizing and he also stopped breathing for a few seconds. this was the scariest experience of my life. watching your son have a seizure and stop breathing is something i never want to experience again.  terrifying and heart wrenching.

just a quick note so that even if mara denies that she loves her brother, i have proof she does, in fact, love him. during his seizure and stuff mara was crying and so very worried.  she kept asking if he was going to be okay.  i talked to her several times while we were in the ER and she was so concerned for wyatt. she took care of audrey for the first few hours and then our dear neighbor came over and slept on the couch so mara and audrey wouldn't be alone all night.

nate wanted wyatt to rest for a minute before we took him in. i got on the phone with my sister who is a nurse and nate was on the phone with an on-call doctor through our insurance.  we then took him in to the ER.  it became a very long, frustrating night and early morning.

they were overcrowded so we had no bed for him but waited in the ER between each test and each talk with a dr or nurse.  they did blood work, urine sample, cat scan, etc.  the dr decided that to be safe we needed to have him see a pediatric neurologist and run a million more tests and he said that needed to be done right away, that night.  Nate didn't feel right about it all, but i pushed him into agreeing to do it all. doctors know more than us, right?  then the dr says, they can't run the tests and stuff at the hospital we were at, they didn't have the pediatric beds to do it so we would have to be transferred to another hospital.  after an hour of waiting for transport to a hospital 30 minutes away, they finally found a bed back in the ER for us. they kept telling us the transport ambulance would be there soon.  they refused to let us take him by ourselves.  about 2:30am, 8 hours after arriving at the hospital, i finally gave into the feeling i had been having for hours.  i turned to nate and said we aren't suppose to do these other tests.  i think we are suppose to take him home.  Nate visibly relaxed and said he had been feeling the same way for hours.  we talked and prayed and then found a nurse and asked to speak to the doctor. we never saw the dr again, but the head nurse came to talk to us. we asked to take wyatt home.  he said that was against medical advice. we explained we understood and would sign whatever we needed to but we wanted to take our son home and deal with him on our own, with his own pediatrician, etc.  they tried to talk us out of it.  they finally agreed to let us take him home AMA (against medical advice.) as they were finishing up the paperwork, the transport finally showed up, but we took him home instead.  i was completely trusting the spirit on all of this, but logically it wasn't what i would have chosen to do.

we got him home, put him to bed and i debated sleeping in his room and watching all night just in case he had another seizure, but finally crawled into my own bed next to nate.  i was getting ready to tell nate sorry for not listening to him hours ago when he expressed his doubts about following the dr's orders.  before i could open my mouth, nate says sorry to me!  i asked him what for. he said for not explaining what he was feeling earlier and not being bold enough to tell me and the dr what the spirit was telling him.  we talked for a little while then fell asleep.

the next morning we were all exhausted and spent the day home, playing board games, callling drs and watching wyatt while constantly praying that he would never have another seizure. he was fine all day. again i wanted to sleep in his room just to be there in case anything happened. i didn't though.  he was fine all night and we decided to send him to school, this was incredibly difficult, but i also knew that if i didn't do it right away that i wouldn't ever let him out of my sight again.  i wanted to wrap him in bubble wrap or buy the best helmet available and make him wear it the rest of his life (truth be told, i still want to do this, but i promise not to.)  the dr put him on an antibiotic for the sore on his bum. it had to be given to him 4 times a day which was a pain but a blessing too.  it meant he had to be given the med while at school, so audrey and i ate lunch with him and gave him his meds each day for the rest of the week.  this was comforting for me to see him and check on him each day. 

he has been completely fine since that night. we contemplated running more tests and seeing more doctors, but the spirit led us away from doing those things.  as we talked with wyatt more about what happened he finally explained to us what happened to him from his perspective.  he said he was so freaked out by the definition of a boil that when i said his scab looked infected, he thought he really did have a boil and just kept saying to himself, I have a boil! I have a boil!!! until he passed out.  so, just don't talk about boils around wyatt and he should be fine for the rest of his life.

so grateful for the spirit that guided us throughout this whole thing.  grateful he is okay. grateful for the peace we feel over the entire situation.  grateful it is all behind us.

Monday, February 16, 2015

rollercoaster of emotions

i feel like i am emotionally all over the place today.  had a great run early this morning. within 2 minutes of being home i was completely annoyed by my son and told him to never again say Mom! Mom! Mom! over and over.  left a few minutes later on a hike with the whole family. on the hike i was trying so hard to be happy and enjoy the dumb thing, but it was a real struggle.  if you were near us on the hike this is what you would have over heard me saying:

"great job audrey!  you are doing awesome!"

shortly followed by

"will you just walk PLEASE!!!!"

"keep it up! you guys are doing great!"

"you are going to be the death of me!"

"seriously? can we not follow the path? i am sure we were suppose to follow the other trail, stop crying audrey!!!!"

"Looking good Mara!  Slow down Wyatt, you are a little too brave today."

"If you don't stop whinying Dree, not only will you not get a snack at the end of the hike, you won't get anything to eat when we get home either."

"Nate, can we hike by ourselves next time?"

"We did it!!! Way to go kids, you made it!!!!"

Audrey and Mara, "are we done? can we please go home now."

it was fun and awful.

the rest of the day has been much the same.

happy, up beat mom quickly followed by annoyed, frustrated mom and back and forth all day!

just sent the kids to their beds for a 5 minute break because they could not follow these simple instructions:
-do not touch your sister
-do not talk to your sister
-do not look at your sister
-do not go near your sister
-don't even smell your sister!!!!

seriously, we were going to sit down and watch a movie together, but they can't leave each other alone for 2 minutes!!! i am dreading summer, i just know if i can survive 3 months of this.

someone save me!

Monday, February 09, 2015

Good Fortunes?

Mine and nate's fortunes from some leftover fortune cookies last night.

Never much believed in these, but this time i am hoping there is some truth to them.