Hmmm... Deep.

First entry is always awkward. Not because you are afraid of what people might comment or think of your entries (I think we've past that eons ago, right?), but more of what you can write. Right now, my eyes are practically burning because I have a glaring lamp right in front of me and I seem to be quite an absent-minded person lately. I have absolutely no idea where my glasses are; search high-low for it, which is actually funny since I wore them last night. But for now, I don't think it is fun to elaborate the number of times I went up and down the stairs just to find the god damn glasses. No, I have a far more erm... interesting rant than this.

Now I shall accentuate that this is rather an awkward entry. Apart for not updating for donkey months, I think whatever I'm going to say here is rather deep - can't remember the last time I wrote this kind of entry; about the moronic trainer I think. There you go. The first hint. Ok fine, I'm digressing.

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I'm sorry. I don't think I am that ready to open up just yet. I still need the time. To think, to feel if all this is worth it. Afterall, I don't want to sound like an effing desperado.


 

Me and Mal were doing (or supposedly to anyway) our MCP assignment. Last time checked, both of us had 200 words.

Now two hours later...
Now this is the story of a one, beautiful dysfunctional friendship. LOL

I ♥ you Malati Siniah!!!


Random Moment: I clicked on the 'Detect' button for auto-detection of my location. Somehow it shows that I'm in Philippines, Asia. ... Weird.

Something to remember,



and this.



Not forgetting this, either.



Can I say that family gathering is the most fun event that anyone could ask for? There is absolutely no harm in having fun with the loved ones.

So I mean it when I say this - I couldn't ask for anything more.

***

On another note, I'll be back. =)

I've just been away.

But I am definitely back.

=)

I'm still kicking - well and alive. My obsession with Twitter has gotten bigger - the reason why I have not updated. The locked entries are still locked and I have no intention for them to go public. Sorry.

I could go on and on about my life during the past couple weeks; but I chose not to. Those that are memorable will forever etched in my heart but the unpleasant ones ... let them be drifted off to the sea to North Pole or something. It had been tough and challenging but what is the point of letting it dangle in front you? Just take it with pride and then shove it away. The wounds will take time to heal but slowly but surely.

Results were released just few hours ago. To say that I am happy is definitely an understatement. Maybe I am feeling contented because I did not fail any subjects [Alhamdulilah], but the biggest emotion that I am apprehending now is disappointment because it clearly shows that my grades are slipping. And yes, I blame myself because I know that if I put in a little bit more effort, I can produce better results. I have the capability to produce better. Yet, instead of working harder, I slacked. Slacked in every possible way.

When I told my mom my results an hour ago, I could sense her displeasure. Even though she was calm, she refused to look me in the eye - actually she seldom looks me in the eye whenever we are having a conversation; my point is, I know she expected better. I can't help but to feel remorseful because I know even though she felt that way, as a mother she can only give words of encouragement. That made me feel even more worst.

I am aware that I have not been behaving like a good daughter. If there is ever a 'A Good Daughter' award; believe me, I would not stand even 5 feet near it. I have not been fulfiling my job as one. I am always rebellious, cranky and sadly lazy. God knows the number of times I have snapped at my mom unintentionally with the excuse of raging hormones; and, she is aware too that all her children follow the traits of their father - hot-tempered. Yet, whenever I have problems, no doubt she is always there for me. I don't usually run to her whenever I have one because I don't want it to be a burden and some things are not meant to be said, but sometimes whenever we were having some random conversations, I would immediately pour things out - although I do admit sometimes I regretted it so much. She would sometimes listened and gave me some thoughts. And it just drawn me that me she always gives me encouragements because that is the only thing she is capable of. Because she knows that I can do/achieve anything if I put my mind into it.

But I'm scared. Of a lot of things. My parents have sacrificed a lot and what did I do to repay them? Nothing. I have no feelings or what-so-ever. I know for the fact that my father's business is very, very slow and he's very stressful about it. I chose to ignore. I know for the fact that it is affecting his health and he chose to lie it to us because he does not want us to worry anything. I know a lot of things, oh yes, I do. But sometimes, it's best if you live in denial.

That's what I'd been doing. I go to Malaysia to study physically but in reality I am actually running away mentally. So tell me now, what kind of a daughter am I - picking up / listening to things that I want but choose to ignore others. A bad one, that is.

Life haven't been easy for us. There are obstacles and thorns everywhere. Sometimes we are just unfortunate enough to step on them. But my mother has taught me - always take them as a blessing in disguise and sincerely accept them. It is hard for sure but sometimes things are meant to take one step at a time.

That's it. One step at a time.

I have to make this clear...
Just because I'm patient, it does not mean you can smear the paint on my face.
Just because I'm happy-go-lucky, it does not mean I don't care.
Just because I'm a klutz, it does not mean I'm stupid.
AND...
Just because I'm nice to you, it does not mean I like you.

I've tried to rationalise things with you, but you kept on condescending me. I'm hurt appalled when you kept on rambling about how it has been half a century yet Malaysia is still undeveloped and the people here are considered uneducated just because English language is not their national language. But what seems to aggravate me was when you said the qualifications in universities in Malaysia are not recognised by other countries because they don't learn in English. And you had really crossed the line when you claimed that MY lecturers couldn't possibly graduated from a local uni and still be able to teach in a university, especially in Monash.

What.the.fuck!

First thing first. Before outlining all the arguments, get your facts rights. All the universities in Malaysia are taught in English language. Just because they were taught in BM during their primary and secondary school days does not mean they lacked the capability to speak or write in English. Just because their national language gives them a sense of identity, it does not give you any right to degrade them. Truth to be told, I cannot say anything much to defend Malaysia; not because I do not want to but because I'm afraid of getting it wrong. This is definitely a sensitive issue and I care too much to fuck it all up.

But it was obviously not a problem for you. You should have stop when you know that you have crossed the line. How dare you undermine the intellect of an individual based on his/her origins. Origins, race, religious have nothing do with an intellective person. It all comes from the mind, mentality. Everybody is born with a choice to choose and apparently your abrasiveness failed to see that.

Insult whoever you want to if it gives you that much of a pleasure. I don't freaking care what you think of the country I'm studying in. But when you decided to speculate that all the citizens are screwed up big time, then I have no choice but to rebutt. Let me make this clear to you, not all of them are screwed up. Some worked their arse off to get where they are right now. Some had to rely on scholarships just so to get to the best schools. And some are not even as lucky as we all are.

I won't lie. I had a lot of mixed thoughts before coming here to study. I was afraid of the people, the surrounding and the culture. Just because Singapore is just one bridge away, it doesn't mean I can easily adapt to the culture here. And you have thought wrong if you think I have finally settling in. I am still adjusting. Slowly, but surely. The people that you claimed to be "screwed up" are ultimately the best people that I've met in/outside Monash. They don't judge and are very accepting of other people from different nations. So we do have some differences about each other countries but we have never let that jeopardise our friendship. Because unlike you and me, my friendship with them is far more valuable than any precious gems. I love my Malaysian friends and get this in your head because I won't repeat it - they are the main reason why I do not want to transfer or even do an exchange to Australia. It may be the most stupidest reason of all but I don't care. The decision is regretful but it's worth it. They are worth it.

So you see, even though there are squabbles in our group, without fail we will laugh it off. Not because we are avoiding the matter but because it is funny. Even though we share different opinions on our countries we never let that affect the friendship because the word 'respect' has been stored in our own very data system. We can joke, we can laugh and we can even 'criticise' but we should know when to stop. Like I've mentioned earlier - we are all born with choices.

Oh don't think with your blasphemy of this issue makes you a fucking Nationalist because you're not. A Nationalist won't complain about his NS days about how they were required to do more work than the superior.

Ouch?

...

I cannot believe I spent so much time penning this down around this hour. It's already 4 plus and I'm that sleepy to bother checking the grammars and the spellings. One thing for sure, it felt good.

So... I shall quote from theantidate who quoted from Cik Salboleh

 

Going back to ze hometown was simply bliss. That particular module was not on my mind and for once, just once I longed to be home alone - no meet up with the friends, not going out to shop or anything.

Of course I wasn't exactly at home during that time. My parents applied for bungalow and can I say a life-saver? The weather was a bitch, and thanks to it I got unwell but everything was worth it. The rooms, the food, the location and the company; what more do you need? I have everything. I admit that my family don't exactly have the typical happy family potrait and sure there are constant noises, fights, arguments, nagging and everything but that's what define a real family, doesn't it? I know it sounded twisted but I kinda like this kind of environment (I need to write this down quickly before I change my mind) because at least we are communicating. I rather there are arguments than everybody being hostile to each other.

I have a vision. Or I had a vision. I want/ed my family to live together throughout my living life. Living together=buying a big house, everybody gets married and still live in the same, big house. That way, all of us will constantly fight, getting sick of each other and of course there will be a risk of someone murdering another family member. But at least there will be love spreading around. (I told you, I'm twisted that way).

I'm crazy, naive gullible. There is no such thing.

But then again, twisted or not, I meant every words. My abode may not be the humblest of all and I know each and everyone of us yearns for freedom from the parents, but it is the place where we feel safe. Yes. we do hate it when our parents control our movements, we hate it when our parents interfere with our issues and we absolutely hate it when our parents still regard us like a ten year old when we're already twice or thrice the age. But I guess they can't help themselves when doing so. They might not admit it but our parents are and will always be living in denial (just like me and everyone else). And I kinda understand why - they are afraid to lose us. For them, they will never think that their job is done. When they get to see how we discipline our own child, that will the day when they know that their job is done or semi-done. I may be wrong but I know for sure, parents are never contented with how we run our life.

My opinions and thoughts may be different from all of you. Being brought up from a semi-orthodox conservative family, I've learnt a lot values, traditions and beliefs. My parents still do believe in pantang larang ie. confinements, the way you cook rice and even the way you dress up. So maybe I don't exactly follow some of these beliefs but it doesn't mean I don't care and don't entirely practice. Some people may not understand and may find it particularly weird but at the end of the day, it shapes who you really are as a person. And I have no one else but my parents to thank for.

So what's the purpose of writing this post when I have some zillion things to do?

I don't know actually. Maybe because I'm feeling bummed that my sister is moving out from the house. I may not be close to her as we seems to share a lot of our differences together but I hate it when I see a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It's not going to be the same. Shit, it's not going to be the same the next time I come back. The house will be quiet - too quiet. My parents will be alone and I know they are dreading the day my sister move out will be to egoistic to admit it.

I'm happy for her. Seriously I am. And I will be lying if I say I won't miss those two muchkins because they are one of the top reasons that always make me look forward to go back home. But sometimes we tend to forget that reality has to strike anytime soon and I believe the day has come.

So when will it be my turn?

Only time will tell, I guess.